[Hold Me Down by Daniel Caesar; Pablo Luis Martinez-Jones]
THERE IS MATURE CONTENT IN THIS CHAPTER. IT'S NOT THAT SIGNIFICANT TO THE PLOT SO IF YOU'RE UNCOMFORTABLE READING THINGS LIKE THIS, I'LL GIVE YOU A WARNING BEFORE IT STARTS AND WHEN IT ENDS.
TRIGGER WARNING: SEXUAL ASSAULT, SELF-HARM MENTIONED, NOTHING too GRAPHIC.
FIFTY-FOUR: when pauly met jules.
We didn't acknowledge the love thing after he'd said it. I was completely sure that this was something that he wanted to talk about in person and I tried to ignore how sad that made me. Paul had already told me something like this before and he hadn't meant it as much as I did and getting my hopes up now would only spark the match used to incinerate my feelings later. I was doing that thing where I pretended like it didn't bother me, pretending had become increasingly hard to do though.
It was almost as if my feelings were something like Pandora's box, once I opened up I couldn't shut down like before. I had become used to talking about my feelings or coping with my feelings that keeping them to myself felt like an impossible chore.
It wasn't all bad though, our relationship had never been stronger, my father and I talked frequently and I could safely say that I was realizing that the way I felt was valid.
Still, I knew that Paul had his reasons for what he said and how he reacted to things so I grazed over it. I could tell from his sigh that he was somewhat relieved that we wouldn't hash it out right then, we exchanged some sentiments and then he'd hung up.
That was for the best because, even if it did throw me into a spiral of me trying to distract myself from the fact that maybe we'd never get there, it got my mind off of the blond who had bulldozed through my life yet again and I couldn't help the fact that it felt like a new wound, I had kept it suppressed though, shaky breath leaving me. A mixture of sadness and optimism weighed me down and stretched me out like a game of tug-of-war.
It was around two hours later when my front door had opened, footsteps ascending my stairs and I sat there sketching in a book Paul had gotten me a while back. During my first few months in therapy, Paul had made sure to attend a few meetings with me and one day in particular, he'd pulled up in front of a craft store afterwards. I wasn't quite sure what he was doing when he'd drug me out of the car and -due to it being a rough day- I had held my head down to hide my rosy, tear-stained cheeks. I was in sweats and he still made sure to assure me of how good I looked as he led me through the aisles, holding my hand until we'd gotten to the drawing section of the store and he'd told me to pick out a sketchbook I wanted.
There was something so intimate about how he wrapped me in his arms then, craning his neck over my shoulder and his hand grazing the books as he explained the differences and the sizes and which ones I could paint in and then over the different tools and media and I had sunk into his frame, listening to everything. He was taller than me, yeah I was bigger, but in these moments, he had made me feel so small and secure.
"Hi, baby." He'd spoken once he'd knocked on my door a few times and I had called out a greeting, him stumbling in with a few shopping bags and a little duffle that he'd carried while traveling. I knew he had come straight here and the thought of being the first one he went to see made my heart warm.
He was dressed nicer than usual, a white button up rolled up to quarter sleeve and some dark jeans clinging -perfectly tailored- to his thighs.
Smiling, I watched as he threw his bags down before jumping onto the bed beside me and shoving his face into my chest, trying to gain my attention. I'd set the sketchbook in my hand down, gently, smiling at the way he instantly wrapped me in his embrace and I had to laugh at the way he huffed when he couldn't get comfortable, until he'd draped his entire body on top of mine and went to kiss my lips gingerly. It was a slow kiss but it was also sweet and I felt his fingers brushing my cheek with such care before pulling away and pecking me once more.
"I missed you." I did, my voice hoarse from not speaking for so long and I felt him smile into my skin as he laid back down and wrapped his arms around my waist.
For some reason, it brought a fuzzy feeling to my chest and my heart beat quickened, I felt more at home than before despite the fact that I'd been in my own house for hours. It was crazy how he could make me feel so safe just by being there. I loved this time with him and I was so happy about how simple time apart could make my heart grow fonder because it felt like I hadn't seen him in weeks when it was just a few days and all I wanted to do was hold him.
Raking a hand through his curls, I held his body to mine and we spoke casually about the outcome of his sale, him beaming when he told me of an upcoming art show he was not only attending but participating in. This summer was going to be a mark for his career and I was ecstatic.
"What have you been up to?" He'd asked somewhere between him showing me a picture of a new piece he had finished, one he was considering on showcasing... I wasn't sure when that transitioned to planning a beach trip for the following week but he was laying on his back then. Head in my lap, he stretched my fingers for me, cracking the bones despite my refusal. Paul had a penchant for weird things like cracking my bones and plucking my brows during his free time, I was only thankful he wasn't into pimple-popping like Jade. Shaking the disgust from my body, I pulled my hand out of his, allowing him to grab the other as I went for the sketchbook I had been busy with before he had arrived.
Flipping to the page I was on, I showed him, careful not to smear the lead with my hand, I already had those smudges on the side. How he drew without getting it everywhere was beyond me. "I've been doing that thing where I draw the bamboo."
"That one's nice." He smiled, tilting his head to look over at me and with a small smile, he ran the pads of his slightly-calloused fingertips over the edges of the paper, humming soft. "Can I have it?" he questioned after a while after admiration and I furrowed my brows at his request. He was an artist and he wanted something that I made?
"Sure?" he'd just nodded, carefully ripping it out the book and placing it to the side, folding the book back closed and sitting up before placing both objects on my gaming chair. And he just looked at me then, almost calculating, as if he were waiting for something.
I smiled, trying to pull the weight from the tenseness in the air, he smiled back at me but it seemed like he wanted to say something. Really, I felt as if him saying anything would do nothing to alleviate the pressure. Clearing my throat, I looked back down, trying to avoid his intense gaze.
It was quiet, "have you eaten?" And when I shook my head, he stuttered a bit before I heard him getting off my bed and rustling through a few things. I wasn't sure why I felt so embarrassed but maybe it was because he didn't say anything about it yet and the anticipation was hitting me. "Here." Ever since leaving his family home, Paul had been introducing me to all kinds of food I had never tried, I mean, I liked the basics but I wasn't used to any authentic or traditional Mexican food so when he had time, he would make something for me. It was weird but I knew he felt bad for never letting me in on this part of him, and he was excited, I could tell. The music he played would have a few songs completely in Spanish now and he cooked more.
I wasn't complaining as I wasn't eating out that often anymore but I wasn't 100% serious when I had asked him to cook heavenly food every day.
What he had handed me was a foil package, pulling it out of a brown paper bag and I started to unfold it. Since eating food that he had cooked a few times, I had realized that some things I would have never thought to put together could be great. "Mm, what's in this?" I had asked after taking a few bites. I wasn't sure what it was but it kind of tasted like vegetables, a little spicy but not unbearable. Everything he had me try was spicy somehow.
"Its vegetarian so black bean, guacamole, um there's some corn, jalapeños." Leaning over in front of me, he took a bite from the burrito I was holding and through his chewing, he smiled at me before finishing up with what ingredients he used. "Some carrots too, Rilee's on some health kick and I've been trying to teach Lanny that healthy food can be good too." His mouth was stuffed and I wasn't sure when Paul stopped being extra with his manners while eating but he was talking through his food, we were so comfortable with each other.
And all that ran through my head was his confession, it was small, there wasn't much bass in his voice. But he had told me that he loved me and now we weren't even speaking about it. Did he not mean it again? Was it a problem?
"Thank you." My voice was small and I tried to keep it from shaking, from giving too much away. As a distraction, I tried to focus more on what I was eating.
It was actually really good, I mean, it wasn't something I would order or ask for or even try to make but it wasn't bad. Over the past few months, I had become more secure in my own self and a better lifestyle was in the makings, I was less self-conscious yet more conscious with what I surrounded myself with. The food I put in my body helped with my energy almost as much as having him to pull me out of the confines of my bed or having my job to force me to get up every other day. The schedule was extremely flexible and from my falling off the face of the earth and requesting a few weeks off for my mental health things, I rarely had to work more than three days a week.
I mean, it was a start, getting back into the flow of leaving my house more than often and it was getting easier to be productive.
Now, I understood his need to cope alone and deal with things alone because even though I did call him after, meeting with Calum and my own terms had made me realize that I liked making decisions about my own health, the accomplishment left me feeling like my own choices could benefit me. There was something so self-assuring and reflective in these moments; Paul wouldn't be there all the time, I had to learn to stand up for myself and thats what I did, I stood my ground. Even when it got deeper, I knew my own limits now and I knew how to react to things that threw me into distress.
"You relaxed?" He'd asked after a little silence and I nodded in response, not even uncomfortable with how he was basically watching me eat and I focused more on what was playing on my tv, I wasn't sure when I had stopped watching it. "Okay."
And instead of tiptoeing around the topic, Paul waited until I was done eating and sat up, not fully in front of me. "What did he say?" I wasn't quite sure I was ready for the conversation we had to have. I had done enough beating around the bush, however, and I was planning on telling him earlier that day. I just had to fake confidence as much as I could.
That proved to not be as successful though, my voice coming out rushed, a stutter sinking in between my words. "I-I a-a-asked-"
"Slow down." he was looking at me with slight concern, embarrassment creeping up my neck but Paul had told me never to feel embarrassed around him and whereas I would've assumed I was annoying him... I tried to convince myself that he cared enough to listen.
I love you too, I love you too, I love you too.
"Can you tell me about it?" But him caring enough to listen didn't mean I had enough courage to tell.
"Can we just make out for a bit?"
And he sighed although a smile stayed on his face. "No, Jules-"
"You don't wanna kiss me?"
He frowned then, no longer a hint of amusement on his face, it was getting obvious how serious he was and that made it so real so I tried to breathe. "Stop changing the subject."
That was getting progressively harder, my lungs constricting as if I wasn't letting enough air through the more I spoke but I tried to explain the situation to the best of my abilities without letting it overwhelm me. "I a-asked him if he was gay and if that was why he hurt me a-and we... talked about it, we- we talked about the party and him outing me a-and he apologized." I recalled how distraught he had looked and tried my best not to chalk it up to anything he had said as being true. "That was the most serious I'd ever seen him and- and he, he kind of- um-"
He kind of told me that he's in love with me but it wasn't even kind of, he was so sure that he loved me and I don't know how to react because I didn't think anything he said could affect me anymore but... but the guy I love doesn't say it back, I mean he does but then it's like it never happened and the boy I had convinced myself didn't deserve me was saying things... these things that you haven't.
"Did he kiss you?" Almost.
"No." I reassured even though I wanted to scream at the thought. Paul didn't love me, Calum had said it before Paul. Why was this suddenly hitting me so hard? Why did it feel like such a problem? I didn't have an issue yesterday.
But today wasn't yesterday and today the new Calum Cain -who felt slightly like the old Calum Cain- had told me that he was in love with me. Why did I care that Paul hadn't said it? Maybe it was because he was acting as if he hadn't turned my world upside down just by professing it and that had to be a sign. "I-I mean he tried but..." I didn't let him get that far because I love you. "He told me that he's in love with me."
He was weary, almost cautious and I didn't know how to read his question. "What did you say?" Was that all he had to say? And he seemed like he didn't want to hear the answer and just the idea of him thinking that I'd respond any other way than the way that I did had my heart hurting.
"That you don't put the people you love in the hospital or make them feel like- like they're nothing." I'd gasped out, willing my voice to stay level and my eyes were on my hands then, watching as he reached out to take it in his and my breathing stuttered.
"You're not nothing, Jules." My ribcage felt all too small to hold the swelling of my heart after he had said that with the most caring brown eyes but there was still a nagging in the back of my head that had me perplexed.
I love you too, I love you too, I love you too.
Shaking my head, I tried to rid all remnants of the phone call. The way he spoke it was still stuck in my mind, how I could just picture the way he had a soft smile on his face, left corner of his bottom lip pulled into his mouth. "I don't feel like that anymore, sure, I have shitty days but low days aren't that anymore." Trying to ignore how badly I suddenly wanted to kiss him, how I wanted to confront his words but knew that it would only cause him to retreat, I sighed. "He's scared Paul, and I understand it, y'know?" And I did but I could barely focus on Calum, I was barely upset at this point, just confused. How was I supposed to react when he wasn't acknowledging it, how was I supposed to feel?
"Do you believe him?"
And that question snapped me back, all the emotions hitting me at once; I realized I wasn't as detached as I thought. Did I believe him? Did I give him that power over me? "I believe that he feels some kind of l-love for me, we were best friends for a reason, I just d-dont think he's in love with me."
He continued with the ominous questions and it was making my head hurt now. "Are you in love with him?"
No. "I'm in love with you."
"But, are you in love with him?" There was something hidden in there, almost as if he were afraid of the answer and I knew then how sincere he was. I could see the same hesitation I saw in his eyes every time ours met these past few weeks, like he had been holding back. I could feel the way his body tensed up at the thought of me allowing another boy to love me and all of a sudden, it felt like all his walls came crumbling. I love you too, I love you too, I love you too.
"Not even a little bit." I was sure of it, 100% and he visibly exhaled. I wasn't ready to breathe easily just yet thought, everything was dissipating but the tension in my own bones and I couldn't cry over this like the last time. He had alluded to it before but this time was different, this time he had actually said it. "Did you mean it? Cause, no offense, but you've said it before and taken it back. I can't do that anymore." I can't handle it, I can't believe someone else loves me only to be disappointed.
And Paul sighed, pulling me to his chest and rubbing his hand down my back soothingly. I wasn't sure what he was trying to do but I knew it was helping somehow so I laid there in his arms, allowing the fog to clear. His heartbeat was skyrocketing and his hands had stuttered as they traced my skin. Kissing my skin softly, he had started to draw small circles on my back, nearly throwing me into euphoria.
"I-I love you," his voice was soft as it always was but for some reason, it almost felt as if he was trying to build confidence, almost as if he was scared of my reaction. "I love you and I've known that I love you for a while... and I've been trying to say it for weeks, I just, I don't know what was holding me back but I know that I really fucking love you."
That was when I realized how hard this had to be for him, he wasn't used to being loved, he wasn't used to anyone giving him more attention than he had given and he wasn't sure how to react.
Everything fell into place, nothing else mattered but me saying it back as quickly as possible and I couldn't get it out fast enough. Suddenly, it felt as if I could see the next twenty years with him, hope clouded my mind. "I love you too." There was no more holding back in that moment, my heart had jumped out of my body, his love sinking into my skin and I had lost all hinderance, my heart was going skydiving without a parachute, only Paul to catch it as it fell.
Fuck, I'd give everything to this man.
He squeezed his eyes shut at that, allowing me to hug his body to mine and I could feel his fear seeping into me alongside and I wasn't sure how I'd missed it before. "I don't want to fuck this up."
And he was holding back tears, I could tell. "Hey." Despite my confusion, I ghosted my eyes over his tan skin, wiping the tears from underneath his pretty brown eyes. "Hey, don't cry."
"I'm really scared, Jules."
Was I scaring him? "Of what?"
And he allowed me to see how much pain he was holding as he pushed me lightly away from him. Holding out his hands, I watched as they trembled, he was opening himself up and he seemed to be slightly lost already. "Of losing myself again." And that pulled everything into perspective. I felt like an idiot for not noticing how long he'd kept this to himself, how much I pitied myself because he didn't say he loved me until then.
It was a power thing with Paul, he had given someone the power to break him, consistently I was sure, "I'm scared of n-not being enough for you." His voice was shaky as he seemed to think over his words a few times before letting them slip past his lips and I just wished he hadn't said any of it now, wished he didn't look as pale as he did then, wished he didn't look like I did when these thought creeped into my mind before the sun rose. But that was so incredibly selfish of me and I hated it. "That one day you're gonna decide that you still love him and that I would have given you everything and I won't have anything left after that."
I wanted to tell him that would never happen. That nothing would tear us apart but our relationship, even as strong as it was, I knew we were both too insecure. I knew that a simple confrontational tone could send me into a spiral, I knew that anything too personal could have him pulling back. We were fragile and at times like this, it was so completely noticeable.
One false move and the home in his eyes would light aflame and everything we'd built could collapse.
And that scared me, more than anything.
"I-I loved and... and I depended on Nic so much, I let him dictate everything in my life and h-he became my life. When he cheated on me..." he sighed, not finishing and I tried not to react, we had both loved people before.
We had both loved the wrong people and that fucked us up. Sometimes, I'd stop in the middle of the day and just get so sad all of a sudden thinking about how he could just decide he didn't want me anymore. I didn't know he was scared of the same thing; he thought that by telling me he loved me he would be giving me all the power to break him. He didn't know that the idea of him leaving me petrified me.
It left me shaking in the middle of the night when he didn't answer my calls, panic attacks when he decided we needed a break. And even on my highest days, something as minuscule as him getting up in the morning to go to work could have me worried.
But I was getting better at it, I didn't feel the anxiety for too long when he rose because each morning he'd kiss my lips tenderly and that reminded me that he was still here. I wasn't so sure that he was leaving me every time things got tough and sure, I worried but more often than not, I could calm down and remind myself that nothing worth anything was going to be easy.
"That relationship ruined me... And I love you so much more, I feel something with you that I have never felt before. You not wanting me or you wanting someone else, I can't handle that."
The nerves I got when over-analyzing were nothing compared to the way I felt when he held my hand, nothing compared to the genuine joy he brought me when we were laying in my bed watching superhero movies and eating from his personal supply of popcorn. The long nights where I'd lay beside him and feel like nothing could touch me or the dates, the kisses, the laughter. The fighting, the making up, everything was worth it and I would risk my heart breaking into a million pieces if that meant he could hold it for just a little while.
Sliding my hand back towards his, I intertwined them again and pulled them to my lips, kissing softly at the skin. I fucking loved him, I didn't care how vulnerable that made me.
There was something in him that felt familiar, maybe the pain, maybe the fact that we both had to navigate giving just the right amount of ourselves to someone else because we'd both made the mistakes of giving our hearts to boys who didn't deserve it but truthfully, Paul already was capable of ruining me and I didn't even care. But the fact that it was all in had him cowering, something I understood and he was quick to voice it. "You literally can- you can destroy me, that terrifies me. I don't want to end badly and hate each other, I-I don't want to retreat back into myself -ourselves- because we've both grown so much." And that was right, we had both grown so much and we had both built ourselves up again but there was something new.
He was still struggling just as much as I was and he masked it well, except for in these moments. Ever since leaving his family home, I slowly had been watching Paul's walls deteriorate and he could feel it himself, he hadn't healed as much as he thought he did, he didn't allow himself to.
He spent so much time trying to help me, trying to help everyone else except himself and he couldn't do that anymore so all the temporary fixes on permanent messes were dissolving and Paul couldn't handle letting it all out. "I get it." I did, I understood his hesitance with loving again.
"My therapist has been talking to me about interdependence in relationships." I recalled back, I'd been in the middle of a session when she'd spoken something the she seemed to be developing for a while now and when I'd went to talk about how much better I was, she voiced a worry that we had to discuss. I'd be leaving for college, halfway across the country and I had to learn to cope with things without Paul.
I had to learn to love myself and be okay with being by myself for extended periods of time. "A-and my identity as an individual within our relationship and I think it makes sense. She says she fears I will become too dependent on you. I can't depend on you to make me happy, I have to find that on my own."
"And I want you to."
Of course he did but at times like this, I had to think about how leaving would affect him as well. If he gave me everything he had to offer and I did exactly what he thought I would."I want you to be h-happy," he looked down at that and I tried not to take it personally. He was a happy guy, yeah but I had started to realize how much of that happiness wasn't genuine, how hard his life had been. He'd consistently push himself to hold up this untroubled facade but Paul was so sad.
I wasn't sure where I was going but these things needed to be said and I was sure that they'd come out a jumbled mess but I didn't care all too much. "I don't want you to feel like parts of you aren't worth loving... I want you to be 100% in love with Pablo Martinez." It was hard, I wanted him to know that I was trying but he had to try as well. "And I love you, I do, I love you so much and I'm so grateful for you c-caring about me but... i-it's okay to care about you too. You can't keep holding these things in because you're afraid that I don't want to hear it or that I'll decide that I don't love you anymore."
I could tell that he didn't expect that and the stumbling over his words were a clear indication that I was right. We were going through similar things, sure he wasn't depressed but he had these insecurities as well.
The man across from me looked lost so I did the only thing I was sure was right in that moment and I leaned forward a bit, "you mean the world to me, okay?" my voice was a whisper and I felt his hands carefully grazing up the sides of my body and hesitantly grabbing my shoulders, he looked so fragile in these moments and his confident shield had cracked a bit to expose the timid boy inside.
And he was so, so, so beautiful. So completely and utterly breathtaking and I couldn't imagine a lifetime where I'd ever think that he didn't deserve the world.
So I tried to show him that, the only way I knew how, with my hands gliding experimentally over his jean-covered knees. Kissing him, I fell further into his embrace, letting him know how much this meant to me. There were so many things I felt for Paul that I couldn't even condense into words and knowing that he felt the same or even a kind of similar feeling... I couldn't stop myself from wanting him all to myself, there was something that shifted in the air, my entire chest felt warm.
He was nervous at first so letting him lead helped him gain a bit of confidence, his hands moving slowly over every groove in my side and one slid to the back of my neck to pull me closer. We moved almost drunkenly, he was intoxicating and I was the poor sucker who didn't give a damn about the fire that raged in my lungs. My heart expanded and my nerves subsided to a gentle hum in the back of my throat. Everything was calm and I could feel his heart beat under my fingertips as they danced along his chest. I let him lead, not knowing where to go from where we were and then I was on my back and there were hands up my shirt and Paul was smiling into the kiss.
It felt almost as if everything clicked and we were moving so naturally then, no longer a tangle of limbs, it was like my body was meant to hold his. Our legs were intertwined and I could feel his hands tracing circles on my back as he laid me back, leaning down on top of me and pressing his soft lips to mine.
"I love you." he had whispered, pulling away slightly and smiling down at me, his eyes connecting with mine and I felt a shiver run up my spine as he pulled back to run his shaky hands under my shirt and up my chest. Sitting up, I pulled it off myself, sensing where this was going and I wasn't sure how far he would let it get but I knew that he just wanted to be able to control this moment and that was something that I could give him.
: : : [mature content ahead] : : :
He settled in my lap, allowing me to sit up against the headboard and his hands were back on my shoulders, studying himself before he slowly -and very lightly- let them rake down my chest and pushed himself a little closer to kiss at my lips gently. When he pulled away, that plump bottom lip was trapped in between his teeth and Paul had moved to push his hands back through my hair before pulling me back to him harshly and kissing me like it was the only thing that would keep the world intact.
My head was spinning as I pushed my hands into his sides, pulling him as close as humanly possible and I was back on my back, Paul pushing his hips into mine sensually and ever so slightly, only enough for me to buck back into him once he'd pulled away and fuck, I felt a familiar heat in my stomach.
I hadn't felt that in so long, the feeling of just wanting him and I wasn't sure I could stop it. God, this was different though, I was so lightheaded and it was a mixture of being completely calm and my heart jumping out of my skin at just the littlest touch. I was crazy about him, I was going insane. This time was so different, maybe it was the love but it intensified everything in a way I couldn't even begin to explain. He was dragging me so far up into the clouds and it still felt as if I was sinking in him and I absolutely loved it.
"Wow..." I wasn't even sure when he'd unbuttoned his shirt but it was wrinkled and hanging off his shoulders when the word had tumbled out of my mouth. His strong arms were flexed in such a way that made my mouth water and I'd been staring for too long, I was sure I was drooling when he'd pulled my attention back with his hand on my crotch and a look in his eyes that made me throw my head back in anticipation. "Fuck, you're gorgeous." My lips tingled with every word and my body ached to have him back on me, my skin singing songs of longing.
But I wanted him to be the first to feel something amazing tonight, I wanted him to feel as loved as he made me feel. Pushing his hand slightly, I tried to insinuate what I wanted carefully and allowing him as much space as he needed. "I-I wanna..." letting my hand trail down his chest, I waited for him to stop me.
He didn't.
And my hand was running over the bulge in his jeans, biting my lip, I tested his limits and went to unbutton the piece of denim that barricaded me out. Carefully I watched his face, his eyes holding onto my every move and his breathing stuttered once I popped the button out and went to pull the zipper down slowly. He sucked in a breath, almost as if any movement would end the moment and Paul's tongue flicked out to wet his bottom lip as I took him into my hand, feeling him through his boxers.
And my mouth dropped open, I wasn't sure where he planned on fitting that.
Lingering, I tried not to pay much attention to the fact that he was bigger than me, bigger than any dick I'd seen although my experience mostly existed in locker room antics and size comparisons. "Babe?" He spoke up after a while and I tried not to be intimidated. Tried to let him guide me as he pulled back, motioning for me to sit up and actually move on top of him , and this was so much more scary when I was in this position, him watching my every move. "We don't have to if you don't-"
"Pablo." I cut him off, letting him speak would only scare me and I wanted to, I did.
"It's your first time, Jules."
That sounded like a challenge and I couldn't help myself from stepping up to it despite how big of a challenge it seemed to be. Seriously, how did he think..? Grabbing his shaft back in my hand, I watched him suck in a breath and his hands were shaking. I tried not to pay as much attention and let that psych me out because he would tell me if he didn't want it... right?
I shook my head at that, he was okay, I was okay. Moving, I tugged at him a few times the way I often started myself off, watching him pull his lip back into his mouth and I swore that that combined with him throwing his arm behind his head had me harder than he was. His hips had bucked a little, Paul finding a comfortable position, I placed the tips of my fingertips on his thigh gently, holding them down as I pulled his boxers to mid thigh and watched his shaft spring up, my eyes widened at the sight and I was way more nervous than before.
He seemed to sense that, screwing his brows together and his breathless tone was still caring. "You okay?"
And all I could get out was a "I-uh- huge." Huge.
He had a good two inches on me and his body so much more toned than mine and I didn't think it was possible to be jealous of my own boyfriend but he was quite literally the most perfect individual from his personality to his physical assets. "Um, thanks." His cheeks were red then, him doing that confident smile of his and as much as I wanted to be up for it...
"That can't, that can't f-fit in me." God, why was I so fucking lame? "I don't-"
But I was getting overwhelmed already at not being good enough let alone not being able to even bottom and Paul wasn't comfortable with bottoming and then I was worried about why and then I was trying to figure out if he would tell me.
And then I was just sitting there as he sat up, tucking himself back into his boxers and giving me a concerned look as I freaked out over freaking him out. "Calm down." He looked so confused and his hands had stopped shaking at some point where they came to rest on my shoulders and he was trying to meet my eyes. "I-it's okay."
But I could, I wasn't gonna stop myself because I was insecure about things he didn't care about nor was I gonna stop myself from enjoying something so amazing when he was finally ready. "I just, I don't think that- won't it hurt?"
"It will." And he smiled softly, trying to gauge where I was, "Do you not want to?"
"Of course I do." I wasn't quite sure what was bringing my hesitance, maybe it was the fear of me not being good at it mixed with the fear of him not liking it which morphed into the fear of him still being scared of intimacy. He said he needed control but what if I couldn't give that to him? "W-would I have to-"
"You don't have to do anything, Jules."
: : : [ end of mature content ] : : :
"Can we... can we talk about it first?"
"Okay." He agreed and I tried my best to voice my concerns without making him feel bad about it.
"Do you want this?" I wasn't sure why I had been inclined to ask and I was sure he didn't know either but for some reason, the way he was responding to any kind of touch was worrisome and I couldn't get the last time something happened out of my head. I asked and he went to reply but I cut him off quickly. "Cause I don't know if..." if I can bottom, if we can do this without you regretting it, if you can do it.
"I-I want to, I want to make love to you." He voiced, looking down before sucking in a breath and looking past me. The moment was dead then but I really felt like it needed to be, we had things to talk about before we could ever go through with it. "I just, I have to be the one to do it, are you okay with that?"
There was something underlying in there: are you okay with that? Are you okay that I'll never fully be able to vulnerable with you? Are you okay that I have to be the one calling the shots or else I'll freak out? And all of a sudden the conversation wasn't so much about my worries but his fears. "Why are you shaking?" He was nearly jumping out of his skin, his body rapidly trembling and I tried to soothe him then. "Are you scared? Paul, I'm not going to hurt you or f-force you to do anything that you don't want to do."
That eased him a bit and I wasn't aware of how tight my fist was clenched until he'd grabbed it and pulled it to himself, uncurling my fingers and kissing at the little marks that hadn't been reopened. Comforting me somehow brought him comfort that I wasn't sure he could receive without reciprocating. "And I trust you, I just don't think I can handle g-giving my body to someone-" he spoke, trying to focus more on my skin, it tingling under his touch and then he was looking me in the eyes. "Are you okay with bottoming, like, wo-would you try it?"
I sighed, it wasn't that I didn't want to, I mean I was leaning more towards being the one on top but there was something he was hiding behind those brown eyes, a pain that I didn't know about. "Are you?"
My question seemed to blur lines between just sex and something that hurt him deeply and with the way he gritted his teeth after that, I kind of wanted to take it back. "I can't."
But I couldn't and I had to know. The words had left my mouth quicker than intended and my boyfriend had instantly tensed up instantly. "What happened to you?"
"What?"
"Something happened, something more than him cheating on you," He wasn't this nervous for no reason and I wanted to get to the bottom of it before anything else happened, "more than Milo. Something happened and you won't tell me what."
He sighed, "It's nothing, Jules."
If it was nothing there was no reason for him not to tell me about it. "Tell me, then."
And he opened his mouth then, I could tell he didn't want to continue, "I-I told you that my," he closed his eyes at that, screwing them shut so tight I was sure his vision would be blurry once he opened them. "that my s-sexual history isn't something I'm proud of."
"I told you that that doesn't matter."
He laughed forcefully at that, opening his eyes and they had lose that spark they had, his lips trembling as he recalled some bad memories. "I, I-I lost my virginity when I was fourteen. I've had sex with a lot of people."
"How many?" I don't know why I asked that, maybe to see if he would tell me.
"Jules..."
And seeing the way he instantly looked back down, I tried to convince him of the fact that I didn't care how many guys he had been with. "I'm not gonna judge you." What he did before was beyond me, everything he had done with anyone else was before me and there was no way that I could fault him for it.
He gulped, biting at his lip and running his hands over his face as a long sigh erupted from his throat. "A lot."
"10?" And he winced, "More than- more than 20?"
And I could tell that I wasn't even close.
He wouldn't look at me, his voice dejected. "I'm sorry." And almost, as if he felt like I was worried, he tried to ease me, "I was always safe though, I-I was on PrEP, I used protection."
"Oh." I wasn't even judging, I was just even more now worried about how I could compare to those guys. Paul had so many partners that I was sure at least one of them had blown his mind at some point.
"Julian-" he looked like he was compensating for something, maybe he was insecure with that part of his life and I didn't blame him. There was such a stigma around being gay and having frequent consensual sex, he didn't want to be labeled and really, I had no urge to do so. "I cant tell you exactly how many, I don't know that myself, its a lot."
"Hey, it's okay." And it was but he was picking at the skin on his wrist, running his hands over the little tattooed lines and I could tell that what he had to say was way deeper than just his consensual sexual history. "It's okay."
But he looked almost sick now and it had to be something bigger. "What aren't you telling me?"
"Baby..."
He stuttered for a second, screwing his eyes shut and he let the words escape. "I was... I was assaulted, wh-when I was seventeen."
My heart dropped.
And then he was picking at the comforter, body stiff and he swallowed past the lump in his throat. It was silent
Fuck.
Forcing a laugh, I could tell he was trying to make the situation less tense. "Yeah." It was shaky and then he was crying. "S-so, I—"
"Oh my god."
Nodding, he let out a gasp, as if it hurt to keep it in, stifled sob breaking free for a second and I'd never seen him so broken. Instinctively, I'd reached for him, hand grazing his wrist when he ripped away so abruptly.
His eyes held unspoken apologies, and he didn't even need to explain himself but he did. He'd relaxed, reaching out and his fingertips were grazing the skin on my knee, curling his hand around it as if to remind himself who we were.
He didn't know what to say, I was sure of that.
I wanted him to talk about it but I definitely didn't want to coax it out of him. I'd never seen Paul look so unsure of himself.
"Hey." Gently, I took his face in my hands brushing my away tears. My heart swelled at the feeling of him resting on me, I offered a small smile. "You don't have to tell me if you're not ready."
The tension in his body dissolved slowly then, his bottom lip tugged into his mouth and he was laughing again, it so breathless.
He made me breathless and he was curling his hand around mine, pushing his cheek into my palm. He'd kissed the skin then.
"Fuck, I love you."
It took me back, how surely he said it and I knew that I'd never get used to it.
My body felt so warm then and he breathed out a heavy sigh. Tugging my hand off his face and into his lap, thumb stroking over my knuckles and massaging the joints.
He continued that motion and kept his head down as he spoke, only looking up when I took his hand in mine. "I'm gonna tell you but you have to wait until the end, until I'm finished and listen to me. Don't comfort me, don't cry, just listen, okay?"
"Okay."
And he let out a shaky breath, hand tightening around mine and eyes again downcast, his voice was small, almost as if talking any louder would scare me away. But I wasn't going anywhere, no matter how hard it was so I simply squeezed gently, letting him know I was still there and he began. "I... I had a drinking problem. When I moved out -um- I started drinking. It got real bad and I wasn't depressed, I'm not depressed I just-" And he stopped completely, swallowing a lump in his throat as he grazed over his attempted suicide. "I tried to... Yeah. And when I got help I was clean and sober for a long time."
"You let me take you to a party. I got drunk." I spoke without thinking, hating myself for the fact that I had promised him I wouldn't drink, he had been sober all night and I paid very little attention to how much that meant to him. "I'm so sorry."
But he shook his head, "it wasn't your fault, y-you didn't know," but I couldn't help but think that it was, my boyfriend was put into an uncomfortable situation because of me. He could have relapsed because of me. "I have restraint around alcohol, I just can't drink or else I can't stop... Sure, you dancing with that girl made me want something in my system but-"
That only made it ten times worse. It hadn't meant anything but I should've been more mindful of his issues, he wasn't okay with me being on someone else, rightfully so and that was only intensified by his past hurt. "I shouldn't have done that. I didn't even think about it, I'm sorry."
It seemed like he didn't care about my apologies, so I tried to shut up for the time being, listen to him like he asked me to. "After Nic... I was 18, just turned 18 a-and we were somewhere in Rhode Island, I can't really remember why... this was way before LightofDay took off but I started sleeping around a lot. I'm not proud of how many guys I've slept with." And he shook his head, almost as if the question I'd asked him before was weighing heavy on him and I felt so bad for even bringing it up. "I can't even remember how many guys I've slept with."
"It's okay."
"It's not." He tried to deny, "It's not fair to you."
But I didn't have a say in any of his prior encounters, I didn't know him when he was 18 and even if I had, we weren't in a relationship and he wasn't hurting anyone. "You have a past, I get it. I'm not going to shame you for sleeping with people just because I haven't." He made decisions in the past and there wasn't any other way to take it, "You're an adult, what you did with your body is your business."
As if that validated him, Paul smiled but I wanted that to be a constant reminder, he wasn't on this Earth to please anyone but himself. "Thank you."
"I'm not going to judge you, don't forget that."
"This guy-" he tried again, tried to open up more and maybe my reassurance had fueled him much as his would me and I could feel him holding onto my hand as if he needed to know I was there. "I was drunk, I relapsed, a recovering alcoholic at 18." He laughed and I stayed silent, hesitantly running my thumb over his knuckles, I wished I could take all the pain out of is voice. "I relapsed and I drank to the point where I don't remember what he looks like or his name or anything. He bought me a drink and I said yes because a vodka spritzer was seven dollars and I was so fucking stupid."
"He asked me to go home with him and I-I said no. I didn't wanna sleep with anyone that night, I'd stopped sleeping with random older men when I dated Nic and I didn't wanna go back down that path."
"I-uh..." almost as if if were getting harder to breathe, Paul pulled his hand out of mine, wrapping his arms around himself and I could understand the short breaths he was taking in order to calm himself down. "I went to dance with Lanny and throughout the night I'd just get people to buy me drinks and flirt with guys at the bar." And his next words were enough to make my heart sink in my chest. "I think that's why I keep blaming myself, maybe I wanted it, I was always playing with guys' wallets, it was eventually going to catch up to me. I acted like a slut, might as well get treated like one."
He wasn't looking for comfort so all I could do was place my hand on his knee and watch how that affected him, let him go through the motions on his own and only hope he'd be willing to find tranquility in me afterwards and let me in with ease.
His breathing hitched, "And then I got really drunk and everything got hazy and Brandon kept telling me to stop drinking." Almost as if he were moving at light speed, the story hit it's climax and I was having trouble keeping up. "I told him that he wasn't my dad and I didn't need him, I never needed anyone..." Paul had been so independent, it was easy to see why he thought that, easy to see that he still thought that. He'd been hurt so many times, letting people care about him was scary, "and then I was in the bathroom and they always say don't go alone but you never think about that as a guy because it doesn't happen to guys, right?"
And I knew what he was insinuating so I didn't beat around the bush, I couldn't keep quiet when my boyfriend was holding himself together by a thin thread and he looked as if he could fall into tremors at any moment. "Did you go to the cops or-"
He kind of looked like me at that moment and that made me so anxious to help, his breathing was speeding at a rapid rate and it was only a little more that would break him, I didn't know where we would go after that but I knew it would be a new territory, a terrifying new experience. "I don't know anything about him! I-I-I can't remember what he looks like, I d-don't know anything, Idontknowanything but the fact that he touched me and the police laughed in my face because obviously I wanted it, right? I'm a man, I'm strong, I could've fought him off?" He was fully shaking then and all I could do was inch my way closer and allow him the space he needed.
Give him the opportunity to seek comfort in me and I really wished he would but he wasn't moving an inch closer, if anything he was recoiling, "I'm- I'm gay and I should be grateful that someone wanted to get off on me, I went to a bar illegally and I willingly got drunk, what did I expect?"
And the way he spat those words had such venom in them it almost scared me, he was crying then, sucking in air as if it were his last breath each time and he was getting louder, defending himself. Almost pleading, "But I couldn't stop him and I didn't want it/ I didn't want him to touch me and he d-did, threatened to kill me," and he was sobbing, "he really could have killed me. C-cops never catch people like that."
I realized how naive I sounded then, people like us, instances like those weren't protected by cops. The police system treated a sexual assault case like a missing bike and there were too many police officers who treated minorities like shit for Paul to trust them to do their job. "It was in some fucking club a-and I tried to fight him but I couldn't move. I was crying but the music was too loud and I was so scared, Jules." The thought of him being so vulnerable, him possibly crying his eyes out and panicked over someone who got off on other people's misery, that infuriated me.
That someone could just take something like that from him without a second thought and that they probably could do it again, to anyone... "I thought he was gonna kill me."
Had that instance be where he lost everything? Had that demon taken everything from him? "Paul." I didn't want to think about it but I had to be sure, Paul had suffered too much for me to not be what he needed. "H-he..?"
"No," he spoke and I felt a little calmer inside but just the way he was clutching his own body, fighting off what I could never imagine, it almost sent me into a panic, I didn't know how to help him, I wasn't what he needed, I couldn't break him too, I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't- "no, he didn't get the chance to... he, uh, he got off and then... Some other guy walked in and ripped him off, punched him in the face, scared him off. Adam, his name is Adam and he still- he still checks up on me sometimes and h-he cleaned me up, he called Brandon and-" cutting himself off, he went for the deflecting that he always did, he was caller than before but he was still trembling, still biting his lip, still sat with tear stains on his skin. "I mean, I know he didn't... And there's a lot of people that weren't as lucky as me."
"There are people that have had way worse happen. People have actually been raped and killed and..." he tried to stop caring about himself. "A-and I'm overreacting, I'm lucky-"
But I wasn't going to let him be selfless in that moment, he needed to let it wash over him, he needed to allow himself to experience it. "You were still assaulted, that's not nothing." He hadn't realized just how much he went through and how he didn't deserve not an ounce of the pain he had to hold.
For some reason, deflecting was the only way for him to cope and I didn't understand it but I dint fight him on it. "He didn't get to actually fuck me so it doesn't count! It was two years ago, I should be over it by now. I just- I don't like feeling vulnerable during sex I guess. You can touch me sexually as long as I'm in control, it makes me feel like I can stop it if I'm uncomfortable." And I didn't know how to get through to him so I just complied. "That sounds stupid cause I let Brandon but-"
"No." But despite how passive I was being, he wasn't going to demonize himself because of a situation in which he had no control, I wasn't going to let him decide that his reasonings weren't valid or the way he felt about anything that he had to go through wasn't allowed. "You have boundaries, I get it." And I would respect those boundaries, even if I wanted to kill the face-less man who had taken his power from him.
"When I slept with Brandon... I got super depressed after." He breathed softly but it still sounded like it hurt. "And it fucked up our friendship for a few months. And I don't want that to happen with us."
"I wanna... be with you, Jules." He blamed himself, I knew he did and he was angry with himself for it but I didn't know how to help him then. I wasn't sure how to respond to that, how he needed me to until he had leant himself into me and ran his fingertips over the baby hairs on the nape of my neck, shoving his face back into my chest and kissing me through the fabric. "I-I love you and I want to be okay with feeling vulnerable around you."
And I ran my hands across his skin, wrapping my arms around his waist and holding him as the tears started again, seeping into my shirt and wetting my skin. "I blamed myself for a long time. I should've fought back or I shouldn't have drank so much or I shouldn't have been a fucking tease." And he was angry but he didn't know how to express it as I laid back with him still in my lap and allowed him to sink further into my embrace, "It's not my fault though."
I left a lingering kiss in his curls, trying to express how much I loved him, trying to let him feel it and allowing him to cry.
"I-it's not my fault."
He didn't sound as if he one-hundred percent believed that so I concurred, tightening my hold on him.
"It's not."
A/N:
I am so incredibly proud of all of you, so incredibly thankful for all of you, and so hopeful that you get everything you want in life tenfold.
Now onto Paul's story... His story isn't just a story for some people, it is a reality. So many people have gone through similar instances and instances that are way more severe but I want you guys to know that you aren't alone despite how much it might feel like you are.
I want you to know that there are shitty people in the world who will take what they can from others because they can and it is in no way your fault. You are not to blame and I'm sure that my words might not change anything and that I might not understand but if you ever need anyone to talk to, I am here for you.
And I think we've built a little community here in these pages.
Updated: June 25, 2018.