Song for the chapter: Visions of Gideon by Sufjan Stevens
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"I have loved you for the last time.
Is it a video? Is it a video?"
"Are you guys all set?" Liam asks as Harry, Kristina, and I start piling into the car. The U-Haul driver came an hour ago, the burly guy promising that he'll get our stuff there safe and soundly. Kristina clings onto Liam for the last time, tears welling up in her eyes as they say their final goodbyes. It's hard to watch, but part of me is happy that they got to know each other and experience one another's love.
"Thanks Liam, for everything." I wrap my arms around Liam, a few stray tears falling down my cheeks and onto his shoulders as I say my goodbye to him. He was the first person that showed compassion towards me here, the first person who didn't make me feel so alone and lost.
"Stay safe, Sarah." Liam and I let go of each other, the both of us emotional as we say goodbye to each other. Harry stands by the car waiting, knowing that he'll be back here soon anyways after Kristina and I are finally in New York.
"We will," I walk away from Liam and walk back to Harry. The lump in my throat makes it hard to breath, to speak even. I just want to cling onto what's left, cling onto the past so that all of this won't seem real. I just want everything to stay, but I also want everything to keep moving.
Kristina and Liam spend a few more moments together, the both of them just relishing in each other's embrace. Harry and I just stand side-by-side, his arm around me as we stay silent and wait for Kristina and Liam to be ready. We don't dare try and pull them away from each other before they're ready; we both know that it'll only cause more parting pains.
"I don't think they realized how hard this would be." Harry says, him and I just relaxing while Kristina and Liam try not to break down in each other's arms. It may seem as though Harry and I have this all under control, that we're not worried about goodbyes and missing each other, but the truth is that we're both scared and neglecting the truth that awaits us.
"I don't think they expected to love each other this much." Kristina pulls away from Liam finally, her eyes red and wrinkled. Liam is trying to hold his own, trying his best to not let any kind sadness seep through. He wants to show Kristina that this will all be okay.
She walks towards us, her hands wiping away the tears from her eyes as she makes her way over to me and just shuffles into the back seat of my car. We all wave at Liam, knowing that this isn't the end, but it sure does hurt like it.
"I guess it's time to get onto the road." I nod my head and agree with Harry, the both of us finally getting into the car and embarking on our twenty-four hour journey. The three of us are definitely going to get tired of each other easily, but I'd like to just relish in my last few hours with Harry by my side. I don't care if we don't even speak one single word to each other; I just want to be near him as I cross this new threshold.
Kristina and I wave goodbye at Liam one last time while Harry pulls out of the driveway, the three of us cruising down the street and away from Liam's house for the last time. And so we begin our journey, Harry driving while Kristina and I try not to annoy him at all.
Hour one
We're all silent for the first hour of the trip; Kristina sitting in the back with her headphones in as she focuses on not crying and Harry just watching the road. I try my hardest to read my book, but in the end nothing gets read--not one single word. The silence between the three of us isn't something I'd call completely comfortable, but it isn't tense either. We just don't know what to do, what we want our parting words to be. I'm hoping we don't spend the whole trip in silence, that at least we find the words we need to hear. I just don't want all of it to end, at least not this way.
Hour two
"Do you guys wanna play a car game?" Kristina suggests from the back seat, her head popping up between Harry and I. I can see Harry roll his eyes out of my peripheral, a small smile spreading over my face when I notice it.
"Fine," Harry says after groaning. Kristina smiles and starts playing "I Spy," Harry and continuously smiling as Kristina comes up with new ones at every exit. At least it keeps us all occupied, even it's just for one of the many hours we have left.
Hour three
Afterall of the games were played, Kristina decided that she wanted all of us to jam out to music. The car practically turns into a club at this point, but none of us are complaining. Harry gets to play a majority of the music because--of course--he's the driver and driver always has control over the music. It's a loophole, and in the end, it's one I don't exactly enjoy.
"Are we going to listen to The Script the whole way there?" Kristina whines, just waiting to play some of her Eminem. We give into her whims and after a while she gets her way. We all happily listen to Eminem, and after about five minutes, we are all able to rap along.
It's enjoyable, this time that we all get to share together. At least we're able to smile, joke, and laugh now, happy to just be experiencing this with one another.
Hour Four
Back to silence, the three of us now doing our own things. I go back to my book, my headphones now in as I try to drown out whatever Harry is listening to. I can't pay attention whenever I listen to his music, the sounds only bringing back memories of the past. They're all good memories, but they prohibit me from focusing on the words in front of me.
I can tell that Kristina has already fallen asleep in the back seat, her relaxed face visible in the rearview mirror. I turn to look at Harry, wondering if he'd flinch away at what I'm about to do. Slowly, I reach my hand over, my hand going to cover his on the center console. Harry doesn't flinch away, but instead he intertwines his fingers with mine. I smile to myself, just enjoying the small connection I have to him right now. I still want him to come with me, wishing that there were no obstacles or complications. But our relationship has always been complicated, has always been in the face of numerous obstacles. I'm starting to believe that me leaving is the only way to get rid of these obstacles.
Hour Five
"Are you tired yet?" I whisper over to Harry, careful not to wake Kristina as she stirs around in the back seat. He shakes his head, his curls--now longer than usual-- flopping all around. I want to reach over and move them away from his forehead, but I refrain from doing so since he's driving.
"Would you be angry if we stopped at a hotel tonight instead of driving the whole way?" I shake my head, not upset with the idea at all. It actually sounds more sensical than just driving through the whole night, the three of us just getting tired of being in the same confined space for twenty-four hours.
"I think that's a smart idea." I start looking up hotels on my phone, seeing which one we'd want to stop at. Harry and I decided we'd stop at one at the halfway mark, seven more hours to go. We've also decided that I'll be driving after this hour is up, that I'll be taking on the last six hours.
Driving through a large expanse of trees has never been my favorite thing, but right now, I'm willing to drive the distance if it means giving Harry a break he needs. We agree on a hotel and I call for a reservation for two rooms, and then--after I hang up--it's my turn on the wheel.
Hour Six
There's trees on the left and there's trees on the right, nothing spectacular at all as I drive down the highway. My mind stays focused on the road, the music in the background drowning out everything but the road. It does get a bit boring from time to time, but the only thing that's keeping me on my toes while driving is the fact that if I don't stay alert I'll crash the car. That's a scary thought in itself.
"Bored yet?" Harry asks, and I have a feeling he has a smirk on his face. I nod my head begrudgingly, a mixture of exhaustion and boredom washing through me. I just wish my six hours were up already.
"I'll power through it, don't worry." I turn the radio onto a station that I like, hoping that my preferred music will help me get through the trip. I get comfortable in my seat and drive; I drive because it's all I can actually do right now.
Hour Seven to Twelve
Six hours pass by excruciatingly slow when you're stuck on the same kind of scenery. Harry and Kristina try to keep me awake and engaged. We have stupid conversations as I drive in hopes that I won't get too bored and accidentally crash the car.
Luckily, we finally reach the hotel we intended on staying at. Harry practically has to help me out of the car because if how numb my legs feel after sitting all day in the car with no given breaks. It's exhausting doing nothing sometimes.
We grab a few bags out of the car and bring them with us into the hotel, making sure we have clothes with us that we can change into in the morning. Harry does all of the checking in--a room for him and a room for Kristina and I. Sadly they don't connect, but they are across the hall from each other.
"I'm exhausted," I say, bumping into Kristina next to me every few steps. I can barely even see where I'm going at this point, where we are or why we're here. Everything just feels like a blur around me, and yet--in my mind--I still know what I want tonight.
The Twelve Hour Detour
I wait until Kristina is fully asleep, unaware of where anything around her is. I shuffle out of bed, my bare feet touching the scratchy, carpeted floor. My heart hammers beneath my chest, afraid that it might be the wrong choice, that he might slam the door in my face.
I take one of the room keys with me, making sure to tiptoe my way out of the room and across the hall. The door shuts softly behind me, and Kristina stays sound asleep.
I walk right across, my hand raising slowly to knock on his door while making as little sound as possible. He's immediately shuffling behind the door, meaning that maybe he had been awake thinking of the same thing as me this whole time.
The door swings open to reveal a disheveled Harry, his hair a mess and his gym shorts low on his waist. I want to jump onto him right here, the door open for everyone to see. But I don't have to, because Harry reads my mind and just pulls me into his room.
The night is filled with expelling our emotions into the hotel room, crying in each other's arms, and kissing every inch of each other's body. We connect and disconnect throughout the night, not once but four times. I revel in all of it, my body fitting perfectly against his one last time as we both ride out our last highs together. It's intimate, passionate, and it leaves me flustered just thinking about it.
"We should sleep," is the first thing that Harry says since we've been rolling around like primal animals all night. He spoke after number two, not knowing that three and four would be even better, even more revealing than the last two.
We were doing things that I would never do with anyone else, that I could never bring myself to do with anyone else. We were in love, then, now and even after it all. I fit my body into his one last time, my cheek resting on his sweaty, bare chest before falling asleep into him.
Hour Thirteen to Twenty
"I guess it's my turn to drive now," Kristina says as we load back into the car. Harry and I barely talk, the both of us not speaking about last night. I think we both know that what we did can't leave that hotel room, that what happened stays with us, always.
I yawn from exhaustion, my legs aching as I climb into the back seat. Harry sits up front next to Kristina, making sure she doesn't crash the car as she gets too into a song. My eyes continuously threaten to shut as we begin driving, the boredom and natural tiredness fueling me into sleep. I yawn one last time, before finally falling asleep and reliving last night and what we had said all over again.
Hour Twenty to Twenty-Four
Harry offers to drive the last two hours when I wake up, and this time I offer to move into the front seat. Kristina falls asleep soon after we start driving again, which meant that Harry and I could talk in the car, about it all.
"I can see the hickey," I say, my eyes wandering over the bruised skin of his neck. Last night was fervent and animalistic, the both of us marked and bruised because if it. We didn't feel rushed, but just like we needed savor every taste and inch of each other's bodies while we still could.
"Sorry if I hurt you last night." Harry says, his voice a whisper even as Kristina has definitely fallen asleep. We're trying our hardest to keep our slip up a secret, trying to make sure that no one knows what we've done.
"You didn't hurt me," I say, "in fact it was the exact opposite." Harry keeps his eyes on the road, even as I can sense that he wants to turn around and just catch my facial expression.
"Remember what I said last night?" Harry asks, his eyes glancing over at me for the first time ever since this road trip has started. I nod my head in response, remembering every single word. "Keep that with you always." I nod my head, promising to Harry that I'd hold onto his words, that I'd make them permanent.
The last two hours are filled with silence, the three of us not speaking a single word. Harry only speaks when the car comes to a slow stop on a busy city street, a familiar U-Haul parked in front of us. We're in New York, the ending of Harry and I's goodbye is here.