As I recall from what happened the next day, it went something like this..
**
I barely slept. Wait, I actually didn't sleep. I had a vague recognition of getting home then made some half ass coffee before sitting on my rooftop gazing towards the sky until the sun had come out to remind me that I spent the night thinking about the same thing over and over again. I consolidated my thoughts into two topics. One: you had one rule moonbyul, don't do anything with your straight best friend, you know what that'll do to you. I mean, look at yourself now. Two: I have never had such a hot moment with any one of my exes, what does that mean? Was it only erotic because yongsun is straight and turning straight girls gay is every lesbian's dream?
My mind would get lost at the replay of the kiss only to have it shattered by the thoughts of confronting sober yongsun soon enough.
As morning came quicker than I expected, a call startled me. My phone was faced down against the ground as my heart pounced, was it that time already? I'm not ready. I don't want to confront it just yet. Gulping down my nerves, I picked up my phone only to see jung wheein's caller id. Thank god.
"Jung whee, why are you calling me this early in the morning?" I held my mug and pushed myself up from the floor of the rooftop and made my way down to my apartment.
"Just to see if you are awake. We have that event at that university today and I called yongsun unnie and she hasn't picked up yet. Are you with her?"
My head leaned over to press the phone against my shoulder as I washed my coffee mug, "how would I know? Why would I be with her?"
"You didn't go to her place last night? I thought you guys drank more at her place. You are ALWAYS at her place, please." I can hear her sass even over the phone. "Just go check on her and get her will you? Okay bye-"
"What-" Before I can yell at her, she had hung up the phone already. I rolled my eyes and cursed at the phone. This kid is always making me do things that she doesn't want to do.
So, she is still not awake yet? I thought to myself before walking over to my bathroom. I contemplated whether or not I should send her a text or not. I pondered and paced around my room, biting my fingernails before finally decided to send her something. 'hey, you up?'
Pressing that send button is probably one of the most difficult thing I had to do in a while. My heart pounced as I thought to distract myself and the best I could think of to take a shower.
After a thoughtful shower, I checked my phone. Nothing. Perhaps she drank that much and her alarm didn't go off. I got dressed before heading over to her place. I opened the door to her apartment as I didn't have a chance to lock it when I was leaving last night. My eyes automatically glanced over to the living room where we shared a passionate make out. Just looking at the floor I can remember the position that we were both in. The more I thought about it, the more my body reacted to it. Stop. I had to mentally scold myself before heading inside of her room. There she was, sleeping like an angel. An angel that snores.
I chuckled to myself before walking over to her and then shook her by her shoulder gently. "Hey, leader-nim. Wake up.." I said with my charming low voice, watching her reacting to my conspicuous force.
"Mmm, no."
"We have an event soon. You are the leader but you are already late. Come on, get up." I pulled her up by her arms and made her sit there on her bed. Her hair covered her face while she whined. "Ow.. my head." She looks up at me with her pouty and lightly bloated face, why am I smiling like an idiot? I shook the doubting thoughts off of my mind before asking a bold question, "so. Do you remember anything from last night?"
Yongsun looked at me before narrowing her eyes, hand ruffling against her messy bed hair. "We drank... watched TV.." She tried to remember as my anticipation heightened.
"And?"
"And...." She was confused, not remembering what I was trying to bait her. "What else happened last night byul?"
Bittersweet, that's how I feel right now. I cleared my throat before showing a smile at her, shaking my head. "Nothing. Now come on, get up and go shower. I promised wheein to get you to the studio."
After pushing her to the shower, I waited in the living room with my phone out. I couldn't contain all my emotions anymore and I just need to vent, so I called the only person I can talk to about this type of stuff – hani.
"What byul? What's so important for you to call me this early?"
I closed my eyes before letting out a loud sigh before dumping the information on her, "yongsun kissed me last night. Like full on make out. Like she got me on her bed and gyrated on top of me."
Silence.
"Hello? Heeyeon? You there still?"
"What in the hell? So it finally happened? You and yongsun? Making the ship into a reality huh? How was it? Did you guys do anything?" Hani instantly flooded my brain with questions.
"No. She doesn't remember. I tried to get it out of her but nothing. Fuck, I'm freaking out heeyeon. FREAKING out. I broke the one rule I had for myself."
"Oh please, you know you've been wanting to get with yongsun for a while. Everyone knows, your fans know."
Okay, a phone call with her is not helping me as I expected. "You are missing the point. She's straight. Many times in our years of friendship had she clarified that. But, let me tell you. That kiss was amazing. The fire, passion. God help me." I looked up at the ceiling, as if I was actually asking god to help me.
Hani screamed, getting excited. "Then go for it. Ask her about it. If she doesn't bring it up, then you should. I mean, you always had suppressed feelings for her. If not, you wouldn't be acting like a little teenager about it."
Should I? I mean, it's not a bad idea. "Alright. I'll keep you updated." I hung up quickly before yongsun came out.
I drove her to the studio, acting as if nothing happened. Deep down, I think she knew something was different as I had a tough time conversing with her. It was indeed awkward. I was relieved to see our maknaes, because now we are not alone in a small space together.
Time went by as we arrived at the university to perform for the event. On stage, I would still playfully tease my groupmates, having fun is something we are great at. For that brief moment, I had forgotten about me and yongsun. That didn't last long as the concert came to an end.
Maybe it was the adrenaline from performing, maybe it was because how amazing she looked on stage, or perhaps I am just an impatient dumbass. I grabbed onto yongsun's hand and pulled her away from the rest of the crew to a more isolated area back stage.
"What are you doing byul?" She asked in confusion.
I looked at her. The first time today I actually stared at her for more than 5 seconds. "Last night, you kissed me. Why?" These words flew out of my mouth before I had a chance to regret it. My eyes observed yongsun's orbs widen, trying to find an answer.
"What? We did?"
"Yes.. More than once."
"I.. I really don't know. We were drunk, I barely remembered anything."
Disappointment. That was the emotion that I could identify the most right now. "Is that so? Did you feel nothing?"
Yongsun folded her arms together before shaking her head. "I don't remember. Sorry byul."
I blinked a few times, contemplating my options right now. I could laugh it off and make it a joke and go back to what we were, pretending I didn't feel anything either. But, I'm in the mood for something risky.
Holding onto her cheeks, I brought her face closer to mine before I tilted my head to the side to fit my lips onto hers, a perfect mold on top of each other. It was bazar as the rushed kiss felt so stimulating to me. Suddenly, I was pushed away by the older woman. "What are you doing byul!" She looked around, trying to see if anyone caught my sudden attack. "I don't swing that way, byul. You know that." Her words denied me of what I wanted to hear but her tone sounded unsure, almost as if she was hesitant herself.
"Are you positive? Because last night, you were just all over me." Fuck, I probably shouldn't have said that.
"That's probably because I was so drunk I probably pretended you were someone else." Her words pierced my heart like thousands of daggers into my body.
"Who?" Don't tell me, I don't want to know.
"Look, I was going to tell you soon but" She paused for a second before looking away from my intense gaze "eric, asked me to be his girlfriend."
Eric. Eric Nam? The man on the show with her that she said it was just for show the night before? I froze. She was pretending I was him last night. It made sense, somehow. "And, what did you say?" Why am I asking questions that I don't want to know the answer of?
"I said yes. He is a sweet guy on and off camera. We really just hit it off." She said. "I'm sorry about last night. If I did kiss you, I didn't mean to. I hope it we can move pass it since you mean so much to me byul. I don't want our relationship to crumble because of my drunk mistake."
Drunk mistake. That's what she called it. Finally, I suppressed my emotion and sucked in my ego before cracking a smile for her to see. "Yeah, I'll be okay. I just wanted to ask you and hold it against you because you always say how straight you are." My words is supposed to be humorous because it definitely came out, salty. "Just, give me a few days yongsun. We'll go back to normal. Don't worry."
I turned and started to make my way towards our changing room as she stayed still. Before leaving her, I turned around and smiled at her "congratulations though. On your relationship."
**
That was that and that was a week ago. Am I over it? No. Especially not when the relationship between yongsun and eric had been made public and thrown in my face for the past week. I know she felt something when we kissed. It could not have been just one sided, I need to find a way for her to tell me the truth.