"Sorry to keep you waiting," I said to Jessica, coming out of the school building. She smiled at me.
"No worries, I actually just came out of the art building. I had to go back and talk to Mr. Suazo about the modeling project," she told me. I looked at her with curiosity.
"What are you guys doing for the show?" I asked her. She gave me a sly smile.
"Well, we're supposed to be doing pictures for the art show, and I was hoping to bring in a nude model after school," she told me. I raised my eyebrow at that comment.
"Really? Who is going to pose for you?" I asked her. She gave me a large grin.
"You, silly!" she told me. I shook my head.
"Nope, not me," I told her quickly. She glared at me.
"Why not?! It's not like I'm going to have you display your junk for everyone to see," she snapped. I glared at her. "I'm actually really insecure about my body," I told her. She shook her head.
"Why? You're flawless. The only issue I may have with your body is—"
"I don't need the smoking lecture again, Jessica," I told her, cutting her off. She pouted for a moment.
"Well, it is horrible to your body," she said softly. I shook my head at her exasperatedly, starting towards the front gate of the school.
"Let's go, I'll buy dinner for today," I told her.
* * *
"What? You used to know Mr. Nishimoto personally?!" asked Jessica in surprise. I nodded.
"He used to know my older brother," I said to her. She looked at me in shock.
"Sam...that's his first name—used to treat me like his own sibling. He taught me how to shoot a gun, which was something I had continuously begged my father to do to no avail. Sam also helped teach me my studies so that I knew as much as they did on the subject of algebra." I gave a small chuckle. "In a way, he was family to me. The other boys were kind to me, but Sam was the person I was closest to in the gang, aside from my own brother," I told her. I shrugged.
"One day he just up and disappeared. I don't know where he went, but I thought I would never see him again. It turned out he had already gone to college and taken courses to be a teacher. I saw him again at River High a couple years after he left." I smiled weakly.
"I was so relieved to see him again—it was like a missing link of my family had finally returned to my life." Jessica listened to me silently. She gave me a small smile.
"I didn't know you had a brother. I know you have a sister, but I thought she was your only family," said Jessica. I nodded.
"His name was Adam. He was seven years older than me. He left when I was just about to go into middle-school, and he left for China to become a doctor," I said to her. She placed her chin on her hands thoughtfully.
"Were you two really close?" she asked me. Before I answered, several memories flashed through my mind. The times Adam and I escaped school to go to the abandoned cabin hidden deep within the forest behind the city limits. The times that Adam and I snuck out of the house to hang out with some of his high school friends, Mr. Nishimoto included. The last night Adam and I were on good terms—and the same night he took everything from me.
"Yes...you could say that," I said to her softly. She nodded at me. She gave me a smile.
"What was he like?" she asked me. I thought back on the hours together, the ones where we were still happy.
"He was gentle...yet he loved to talk tough. He protected me, but he also was very sensative to death and pain. I remember the time he cried over a dead bird on the sidewalk in 102 degrees weather," I described to her quietly. She smiled at me.
"Wow, he sounds very nice. Maybe I should go out with him?" she asked me, waggling her eyebrows at me in humor. I looked away from her, focusing my attention on the chicken that had been placed in front of me. I put a piece to my lips, not even tasting it as I chewed slowly. I swallowed it and opened my mouth to speak.
"That's not possible," I told her. "I don't know where he is."
"He left me, remember? I haven't contacted him in almost ten years," I said. She clapped a hand to her mouth.
"Oh no...how horrible," she said to me. I shrugged my shoulders.
"Doesn't matter—I don't need a brother like that—one who dumps his brother at a moment's notice," I told her calmly.
"Was that around the same time that—that—"
"Actually, he's the one who called to tell me my parents had died, and then he told me he was leaving for China that night," I told her. She shook her head.
"That's—not right—I mean you were only eleven. How did you make it this far?" she asked me. I gave her a dark smile.
"You of all people know how I've survived," I told her softly. She swallowed hard, looking away from me. She took my hand, gently entwining her fingers with mine.
"I'm sorry you've had to go through all of that on your own," she told me. I shrugged.
"It's okay—I have Anna now, so I'm okay," I told her. She gave me a small smile.
"You're such a strong person, Josh," she looked at me through her lashes, "maybe that's why I like you so much," she said to me shyly. I flushed, and she gripped my hand. She leaned in towards me hesitantly, then gently touched her lips to mine. I closed my eyes, inhaling her sweet scent. I could taste the spices on her mouth that they had used on her meal. I felt her draw back, staring at me gently. Suddenly, she stood up, dropping twenty bucks on the table.
"Let's go to your place, Josh," she told me, pulling me out of the door with her, leaving our plates on the table, almost entirely untouched.
* * *
"This is my apartment," I said in embarrassment. Aside Anna, Jessica was the first girl to ever come into my house. It made me embarrassed. I knew what she wanted, but I was still trying to break the ice. For her, it would be her first time. For me, I would have to act like it was my own as well.
"Very simple," she said to me. I looked up as Anna walked out of her study.
"Ah...welcome home Josh," she said, referring to me as a sister would to a brother. "Hey, Anna," I told her, kicking off my shoes. I gestured to Jessica.
"This is Jessica. She's a friend and a classmate," I told her. Jessica waved to Anna cheerfully.
"Hello there, Jessica," said Anna politely. I nodded at her.
"Um...Jessica and I will...probably need some space," I said lamely. Anna nodded at me, unaffected by my implications.
"I actually have a date tonight with some of my girlfriends, so I'll leave you two for a bit," she said, pulling on her own shoes. As she pulled open the door, she turned to me and gave me a coy smile.
"Don't be too rough now, Josh," she teased me. I flushed a bright red, and she stepped out into the night, giggling.
Slam!
Jessica looked at me with a face as bright red as mine. I cleared my throat nervously.
"Can—can I get you something to drink?" I asked her. She shook her head.
"No...I'm okay," she said. I nodded. We stood there in awkward silence for a few moments.
"Um...want to see my room?" I asked her meekly. She nodded at me. I led her into the small room, filled with only an uncluttered desk, a small bed, and a thickly filled bookshelf.
"I never imagined that it would be so neat and tidy," she told me. I shrugged.
"When I skip school I usually don't have enough money to screw around at the clubs, so I come home. Sometimes the mess bugs me so much I get a little OCD and end up dusting everything I can get my hands on," I admitted to her.
"You're underage! How the hell do you get into a club?!" she asked me. I smiled at her.
"Brandon is a bartender. He's another friend of my brother's and he got me a fake ID so I can come in whenever I want," I told her. She shook her head at me. "Alcohol is bad. Be honest—tell me how many times you get hung over on a regular basis?" she asked me.
"Maybe a few times per month. I at least have Anna to drive me back home—I'm not dumb enough to drive back myself," I told her. She gave me a satisfied smile.
"Good job," she told me. Suddenly, she giggled.
"Who knew that the mafia member Joshua Brown had germophobia," she joked. I shook my head, giving her a small smile.
"I don't. Promise," I told her. She grinned at me. A thick, black binder caught her attention.
"What's this?" she asked, pulling it out. I stepped towards her and put my hand on it.
"Sorry...it's private," I muttered. She gave me a small smile.
"Come on—I promise not to tell anyone about it," she said to me, pulling it out. I glared at her, my fingers tightening on the spine of the binder. I felt my voice drop to a dangerously low tone.
"Do not open that—otherwise this date is over!" I snapped. She flinched from my tone. I felt bad, but my anger did not waver. She slowly put it back onto the shelf and withdrew her outstretched hand from the binder.
"Sorry...I was just curious," she murmured. I took my hand off of the binder.
"No...I'm sorry that I can't show you it," I whispered to her.
She gave me a small smile, coming closer to me.
"I don't care either way," she told me. She tilted her head back and wrapped her arms around my neck, drawing me in. She was tall, but I was taller still. I had to bend down a bit to touch my lips to hers. The kiss lasted for a second, but it soon evolved into something else. She slid her tongue between my lips and licked my own. I heard her moan deep within her through and I pressed myself against her. Baring her back against the bookshelf, I felt her hands reach down from my neck and slip themselves up my shirt. Her warm fingers flowered against my chest and I broke away from her. I gasped for breath as her fingers searched me for a reaction. In order to repay her, I bent down further and touched my lips to the nape of her neck. She moaned again, her fingers stiffening on my chest. Suddenly, her hands on my flesh were gone and were replaced on my own hands. She raised my hands to her breasts and laid them there. I stopped kissing her neck in order to straighten up and look her full in the face.
"I want you to be my first, Josh," she whispered to me. She closed her eyes, standing on her tiptoes to reach me. I felt my lips go dry. Did I really want this? I didn't...I didn't know. I couldn't tell what my heart wanted. I swallowed hard and opened my parched lips She leaned in to press in for another kiss.
"Stop," I whispered. Jessica froze and stopped trying to reach my lips. I looked away from her.
"I—I can't do it," I told her. She looked at me in shock.
"Why not?" she asked me. I shook my head.
"I've already wronged one girl—I can't do it again," I told her desperately. She narrowed her eyes at me.
"Don't tell me you've still got feelings for Emily," she said angrily. I shook my head.
"No—I never had them in the first place. It was just an in-the-moment kind of thing," I told her. She sighed with relief, then she frowned.
"Is it because I'm not as pretty as Yumi?" she asked me softly. I shook my head, taking her in my arms.
"You're beautiful, Jess. I just don't think it's the right time for this," I told her. She pushed away from me.
"I've given myself to you, Josh! All of me! Don't tell me you're chickening out now, after all the mafia has made you do!!" she snapped at me. My eyes flashed.
"Do not bring my job into this!" I told her angrily. She glared at me.
"But it's true, right? Anna is your whore, and every other girl the mafia asks you to screw, you do in a second! Why am I any different from them?!" she asked me.
"Because you're my friend. I wouldn't want any harm to come to you," I said weakly. She shook her head at me.
"I won't get hurt doing this, Josh! I promise! What you're telling me right now is what's hurting me!" she yelled at me. I flinched away from her and she glared at me."I've spent years trying to get you to love me, and now that I've come this far, you're going to tell me that you've had no interest me all along?!" she cried. I shook my head, grabbing her floundering hands.
"I'm sorry...I had no idea—"
"That I've been in love with you since elementary school? It's a bit late for apologies, Josh!" she said furiously, completing the thought for me. I shook my head at her.
"Still, I'm sorry," I said to her gently. She shook her head at me, her anger evaporating away at my sincerity.
"Why?" she whispered. "Why can't it be me? I've loved you for so long...what do I do now?" she asked me. I shook my head again, releasing her hands.
"It's not you...it's me, Jessica. I'm so sorry," I told her. She looked up at me in shock and I swallowed hard.
"I'm gay," I choked out.