Chan let go of the deep breath he didn't even know he was holding as Kang Dae's arm swung around his shoulder, pulling him deeper inside the large house filled with dancing bodies. This scene was very familiar to Chan so he wasn't startled by the intimacy between the strangers grinding on one another or the plastic cup of alcohol that had be shoved in his direction by a boy he'd never seen before.
"Good to be back, right?" Jaeyoung smirked knowingly. It was no secret to the group, Chan loved to party and always managed to fit in well with the party crowd. Despite never admitting it to anyone, parties were the one thing Chan had missed since leaving the small gang of friends. Nobody ever wondered why he stopped turning up to parties, it was obvious, everybody knew the reason.
Chan faked a laugh before grabbing the cup and swigging the liquid back. He threw the empty cup to the floor before brushing Kang Dae's hand away and disappearing into the crowd. Kang Dae threw his head back in laughter, feeling proud by Chan's quick transition back into party life. He'd felt apprehensive before inviting Chan. Kang Dae had always cared for the younger boy and knew that parties no longer held fond memories to Chan. The happier moments of dancing till his body ached and singing at the top of his lungs had since been replaced by the sounds of screams and the image of In Ho falling at Chan's touch.
"Should we stop him?" Minjae enquired, gazing up at Kang Dae for approval. "Leave him. I think it's more interesting this way. Let's just keep an eye and see what he does." He replied, having a great deal of faith in Chan. Kang Dae knew of Chan's troubles, between his family's financial issues and the never ending negativity surrounding his life, he'd always been there to see Chan face them all head on which made him feel nothing but respect and admiration towards the younger of the two.
"He'll be fine, Minjae. Besides, what's he gonna do, huh? He hasn't got any friends left to push off of balconies!" Sungjin joked while erupting into laughter to which Kang Dae smacked him over the back of his head. "Shut up!" He warned him and his laughter came to an immediate halt.
Sungjin bowed his head down while Minjae and Jaeyoung stifled a chuckle. "I'm going to find Dongwoo. Stay outta trouble!" Kang Dae instructed the mischievous boys. People often mistook Kang Dae for a trouble maker due to his harsh appearance and his tendency to end up in the middle of a bad situation but there was so much more to him than that. Kang Dae had a strong personality. He was loyal and protective although he often showed it in a seemingly intimidating manner that made others fearful of him. He cared about each and every one of those boys in his circle of friends but yet, he never felt good enough for them. He always feared one day they'd leave him, just like his past friends did and that was something he had never got over. Kang Dae saw a lot of himself in all of the boys, especially Chan and would do nearly anything to keep them safe. Of course, his intentions didn't always go to plan and more often then not he led them into trouble.
With both Chan and Kang Dae out of sight, the remaining three took this as their cue to proceed with their night of heavy drinking. Minjae, Sungjin and Jaeyoung set off into the crowd with smirks planted on their faces.
"See ya at 2 AM." Minjae nodded to the others.
Chan's mission was just beginning. He watched Dongwoo from across the room as he sat on his kitchen counter talking to some boys Chan didn't know the name of. Now was just a waiting game. Chan had no intention to come here for the sake of a party, in fact, Chan would rather not be here at all but if he ever wanted to dig deeper into the life of the boys in the gang now was his chance. He didn't know why he felt the urge to use his time searching for dirt on them but time was something he had plenty of.
Ever since finding out Dongwoo was Bo Ra's boyfriend he'd found himself making Dongwoo his prime interest. Dongwoo seemed different from the other boys, more distant and harder to read and that was something Chan hated. What Chan wanted was revenge. If he could just find one thing to bring every one of those boys down he could finally help to clear his name from the mud.
Chan blamed a lot of his current troubles on Kang Dae and his friends. He often wished he'd never befriended them after his fight with In Ho, maybe then his life would be different. He wouldn't have been as angry the night In Ho died...he wouldn't have even been at that party.
Chan spotted Dongwoo pouring himself another drink and decided now was his time to put his plan to action. He quickly headed for the stairs, taking two at a time as he elbowed people out of the way. Once he made it to Dongwoo's bedroom he awkwardly stood outside his bedroom door contemplating his next move.
He couldn't really just barge right in but he looked like a dumbass with his hand latching onto the door handle. He glanced around the hallway but nobody batted an eyelid his way for once. He shut his eyes tight and sucked in a deep breath before swinging the door open and stepping inside. He quickly shut the door behind him, finding it surprising that it wasn't even locked but not taking it for granted. He knew he had to be quick. There was no time to waste.
He glanced around the room, not having the slightest clue on where to start rummaging. How would he know where to look when he had no clue what he was even searching for. Chan mentally cursed himself for his utter stupidity and need to act on sudden urges. Any minute now somebody would walk in on him and bust him for trespassing.
He ran to the bedside table and flung each drawer open, looking over each item carefully but nothing out of the ordinary was in there. He made his way to Dongwoo's bookcase and pulled out random books, shaking them every now and again to see if anything would fall out.
"I've watched way too many mystery movies!" He sighed to himself as he carefully put them back exactly where he found them. In the wardrobe turned to under the bed which led to him searching under the mattress where he had a breakthrough.
"Finally!" He huffed in annoyance as he picked up the piece of folded paper. He had a good feeling about this. From Chan's level of expertise...which was an awful lot of movies, anything under the mattress is clearly suspicious.
He opened the letter and scanned over the first few words written in the top right corner but instantly froze as he recognised who the writing belonged to. His hands began to tremble and he struggled to find his breath. This couldn't be real. This made no sense.
"October 14th 2015." He whispered the words written in the corner. His hand traced over In Ho's neat handwriting as he thought back to the dreadful date written on the piece of paper.
Chan read the first paragraph slowly, taking in each sentence that spilled In Ho's darkest thoughts. Each word seemed to twist the knife farther and farther into Chan's heart. The page suddenly became dotted with Chan's tears and the letter dropped to the ground by his feet.
Chan fell to the floor in shock as the silent tears dribbled down his face. He scrambled over to the letter before grasping it in his hands, determined to read the entire piece through his blurry vision.
October 14th 2015
Giving up was never something I deemed an option but sitting here writing this finally made me realise that it's my only option. I've lost everything. Absolutely everything I ever cared for. I feel so lost and hopeless. It's like I'm empty. I'm no longer me. I look the same and I act the same but I don't feel the same anymore. The only thing scarier than losing others is losing yourself. I'm not lost anymore though, I'm already gone. It's too late for me. I'm finally admitting defeat.
I don't want to blame others but I can't help but think of others when I rethink my decision to leave this world. I've come to realise that there's only so much of your happiness you can give to others before there's none left for yourself.
My girlfriend, I love you with all I have and yet I hate you the most out of everyone I've ever met. You were the start of my downward spiral. Why wasn't I enough for you? Why did you cheat and lie? Do you have any idea of how I felt each day pretending not to know that you were pregnant with someone else's kid? Did you think I'd never find out you were pregnant? I don't know what hurt more, the fact that I saw those damn pictures of a baby that would never be mine or the fact that you pretended not to know what I was talking about to my face. Were you scared to tell me in fear of losing me or in fear of losing who you are?
About what I said before, I take it back. I do hate someone more than you - myself.
When you get this I'll be gone but don't worry, this is the only evidence of your dirty little secret...other than the living proof but that clearly isn't my issue now, is it?
Goodbye Bo Ra.
Chan scrunched the letter tightly into his palm as he cried quietly. Why didn't Chan know any of this? Why did he write a suicide letter but not commit suicide? None of this added up. There had to be more to the story. It can't just end here. There was so much he didn't know. So many loose ends. So many unanswered questions.
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It's nearly 12 AM and I feel dead lol. I feel like a slightly rushed this so sorry about that.
So my birthday was on Monday and I really hoped my 'I Am Not' album would have arrived in time for it but nope....WHERE ARE YOU AT STRAY KIDS ALBUM?
Anyway, I'm kinda curious as to where you all are from so yeah, that's my question for today lol.
Thanks for the reads and votes and especially comments coz ur all so funny wtf.
Bye Bye, Imma sleep now.