It was just about time to head to class. Which meant it was just about time to put on a happy face, and pretend that he was just fine and wasn't dying inside.
Regular classes were canceled for today, so everyone else got the day off.
However, Cram School lessons were still on for today.
Yay!
Rin got up from where he was sitting under the tree and made his way toward the True Cross building.
Once he reached inside he used his special key to open a door. Moments later he found himself in the famiar decorated hallway in front of his classroom door.
It took every last bit of his will power to walk inside.
He wasn't up for any of this today, he wondered how he was usually so good at masking his pain. He could make it as an actor with how well he pretended to feel different emotions.
But for some reason, today he wasn't up for any of it. For putting on that mask and sitting inside the class pretending the way his "friends" were treating him didn't bother him.
Maybe, just maybe, he had finally cracked.
He shook those thoughts out of his head for now.
Just smile.
Act like nothing's wrong.
Keep your cool Okumura.
With that in mind, he took a deep breath and walked into class. The very moment he stepped in the whole class went silent. All eyes were on him. He could feel them glaring at him hatefully while he heard the Kyoto trio whispering about him.
(Rin's p.o.v)
"What the hell is HE still doing here?" Bon whispered. "The SPAWN of Satan shouldn't be in allowed this school! Heck, he shouldn't even be allowed to live!"
"That's a little harsh isn't it?" Shima said. Was he defending me? But why? For a second there I had some hope that someone sort of cared about me.
"Bon's right Shima. He's too dangerous, he could burst into flames at any moment and kill us all. If he were just executed, no one would be in danger." Konekomaru agreed with Bon.
"Yeah, I guess you're right." Shima gave in. Just when I thought I finally had someone on my side. What konekomaru said rang throughout my head.
'If he were just executed, no one would be in danger.'
He was right, I'm a demon, me just being here is putting everyone's life at risk. If I were dead, no one would have to be scared of me, they can all have peace at mind.
I took my seat all the way in the back of the classroom. Shiemi was too afraid to even look at me. If everyone hates me, then what's the point of sitting in the front of class? It's gotten to the point where I can't stand to be near people anymore, so I like keeping my distance. I don't mind. I was always alone, even from the beginning. So I don't mind being by myself.
I was interrupted from my thoughts when Yukio, who was also my teacher, walked into class.
"Good morning Okumura-sensei." Everybody said at the same time, except for me. I just kept my head down.
Avoid any eye contact.
He started with the lesson and wrote some things down on the board. I wasn't paying attention. Actually, I already knew most of the information. Without anybody to talk to, I had a lot of time on my hands. I spent most of that time eating, sleeping, and reading anything I could find; which were mostly just books on demons and exorcisms that Yukio left behind. He had moved out of our dorm room when we had gotten back from Kyoto.
*Flashback*
I was laying on the roof, my new thinking place. I realized it was getting pretty dark so I crawled back in through the window I had left from.
I walked into the room and saw Yukio with boxes.
"Where have you been Rin?!" Yukio said with venom.
"Out."
Silence.
"What are you doing with all those boxes?" I asked him.
"I'm moving out."
"Why?" I thought we were on good terms now.
"To get away from you! I despise you Rin. You are nothing but a stupid demon and a total waste of life." Those words hurt coming from my own brother. "Father shouldn't have risked his life for you! You're the one who should've died!" He walked toward the door.
"You don't think I know that?!" I snapped at him. "You don't think I know that I'm the one who should've died instead of dad?" He ignored me and continued heading toward the door with boxes in his arms. "Don't leave me damn it! You and I are brothers! You can't just walk away from me!"
He stopped walking, but didn't turn around.
"You and I are not brothers."
*End of flashback*
Yukio was standing there, teaching class, acting like that fight we had never happened. I thought we were brothers. What happened to us always being there for each other? What happened to the Yukio that said he wanted to protect me? Was he gone forever? Did that Yukio even exist? Maybe he was just pretending to care about me this whole entire time. It's not like he didn't know I was the spawn of Satan. He knew even before I did.
I rested my head on the desk for a second. I hadn't been sleeping well lately, I'm exhausted. Maybe I could just close my eyes for a little while.....
"In"
"Rin"
"RIN!"
My head shot up.
"I'm awake!" I said out of habit.
I heard some people in the classroom laugh while others whispered more harsh words at me.
"Rin! You fell asleep in class again!" Yukio yelled at me. "Wake up! And stop disturbing my class!"
How was I disturbing other people with my sleeping?
I didn't respond.
"What the hell are you even doing here?!" Bon yelled, he shot up from his desk and slammed his fist on his desk. "You obviously don't take this course seriously! You always fall asleep, you make a fool out of yourself and you fail at every single test and assignment! You don't even try! Some of us actually take becoming an exorcist seriously unlike you! You make me sick! You'll never become an exorcist! You'll never become anything! Heck, you're the son of Satan! You shouldn't even be allowed to become an exorcist! YOU SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO BE NEAR PEOPLE! YOU SHOULD BE LOCKED UP OR EXECUTED!" Bon ranted and screamed at me. Shima and Konekomaru tried to calm him down.
Yukio didn't stop him, or tell him to quiet down, he just watched, he seemed to agree with every word he just said.
"Bon, stop that. He'll get mad and kill us all." Konekomaru said shaking in fear.
He's right. I'll never become an exorcist. I'll never become anything. I shouldn't even try. I'm a waste of life.
I quietly got up and walked out of the room, even though class wasn't even half over yet.
"Where're you going demon?!" Bon yelled at me.
I ignored him. Something inside me had definitely snapped. What he said didn't even hurt me. I wasn't mad, I wasn't sad, I was just... numb. Like I was dead inside.
I walked to what was now my own dorm room.
'Welcome home Rin!' Kuro said happily.
I went into the washroom. I checked the cabinet under the sink.
Ah hah!
Found it! I picked up a small blade I kept hidden under the sink. I dragged it slowly across my arm.
Nope. Still numb.
I did this several more times, each cut deeper than the last.
Why can't I feel anything anymore? This used to sting. A familiar sting that would help to clear my head. But my mind is still foggy. I've never been left unsatisfied by cutting before. What changed?
Whatever it is, this is no longer enough.
Before, I continued to do this because I felt like it was what I deserved.
Pain.
Punishment.
But it's no longer enough.
I washed off my arm so Kuro wouldn't see the blood and be worried about me. I left the washroom.
'Where are you going Rin?'
"I'm going out for a bit. No need to worry about me." I said with my most convincing smile.
'Are you ok?' He asked sounding worried.
Am I ok? Haven't heard that one in a while.
"I'm fine buddy. Don't worry about me." I placed some food in a plate for him and poured him a small bowl of silver vine sake.
'Yay! Silver vine sake! You're the best Rin!' He cheered and started drinking and eating his food happily. I smiled softly.
I'm glad I made him happy.
I hope Yukio will take care of him well......
I walked to the other side of the old boys dorm where me and Yukio live. I found myself in front of the door of his new room. I figured out where it was, it's been a month since he moved out. I pushed his door open; he doesn't bother to lock it? I pushed it open further and walked inside. Class was still going on, and he had a short mission after class, I heard him mention something about it. Even though he has stopped listening to me, doesn't mean I stopped listening to him.
I searched his room until I found it.
Was it wrong to raid your brother's room? Yes.
Did I care? Not at the moment, no.
That's when I found it.
Yukio's gun.
Filled with holy water bullets.
One shot to the head or heart should be enough.
I grabbed the gun and put everything in his room back the way it was so he wouldn't know I had been in here. That would be awkward to explain. Soon though, I'll never have to explain myself again.
I'll never have to deal with anything again, the name calling, the pain. It'll all be over and Yukio, Bon, and Konekomaru, can all have a peaceful, normal life. A life that wouldn't involve me.
I took the gun up with me to the roof, where I wouldn't disturb anyone. I will go out in the same place I always went to think and clear my head.
I had made it to the roof.
Demon!
Monster!
Idiot!
You should just go and die!
No one would be in danger if he were gone.
You killed our father! You should've been the one who died!
I placed the gun to the left side of my head, tears were rolling down my cheeks. All I have to do is pull the trigger. It'll all be over.
Everyone will be safer if I'm executed. I'll do everyone a favour and execute myself.
My hands started shaking.
Why do I hesitate? If I'm dead, I'll be helping everyone, isn't that what I want? To help people?
I dropped the gun.
Why can't I do it?
Maybe I'm just too much of a coward to do it.
Or maybe I still have a sliver of sanity left.