A/N: remember this ENTIRE PART IS IN JUSTIN'S POINT OF VIEW NO MORE NATALIE OK GOODBYE NATALIE THIS IS ALL JUSTIN NOW OK OK*************
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Thirty-three: "She hates me."
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Song of the chapter:
You & I by One Direction
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My eyes browsed over the small figure before me, and god, she was beautiful. I knew she was tired by the way her eyes had dark circles around them and the way her skin was so much more pale than usual. Even with those tiny flaws, she was just beautiful.
Her eyes darted away from mine and to the ground when she saw that I had been studying her.
I really hope she's not back to doing that again, I thought. I thought I got her to stop that but then again, she probably was second guessing everything about me because of what I said to her.
"I, um--" she started, closing her lips and then swallowing. "I thought your mom would be home."
I shook my head. "No, today's her first day back to work. Did you, uh, need something?" I questioned, my eyes landing on the box. It was closed, so I had no idea what was inside.
She bit her bottom lip-- something she always did when she was nervous. But still, her eyes avoided me. I didn't blame her.
"Well, I-- your mail came to my house again but also, I have some of your things in here. Just some clothes and CDs and things like that."
I pursed my lips and nodded, a silence wrapping around the both of us. It didn't necessarily bother me considering I just looked at her, taking in every little piece of her that I missed so much. Whether it was good or bad, I didn't care. I missed it. I missed her. And I knew that it would take a lot to get her to trust me even a little.
She wants to give me my stuff back already? She didn't even give me a chance to apologize.
Don't bother apologizing, my thoughts testified against each other. You've already said enough. Keep your mouth shut for once. You lost her.
"I can't really take the box or anything so if you don't mind," I started, moving out of the door frame. "could you put it on the counter or something for me?"
She finally moved her eyes up to me. She appeared slightly taken back by my sudden invitation inside, but she nodded and moved past me, placing the box on the kitchen counter top.
"The mail is in there too," she murmured. Her voice seemed different. It was so much softer and raspier. It was as if she was trying to be quiet for the sake of a sleeping child in the next room over (for the record, there wasn't one). I hated it. I missed her voice and the words that tied along with it. The girl before me wasn't Natalie, but it was my fault.
"You'd think by now they'd know better," I joked about the mail in an attempt to lighten the heaviness of the mood. She cracked a smile, but it didn't matter because I knew it was fake.
Look what you did to her. You screwed her up.
It was quiet again and her eyes were locked on the ground like before. She anxiously scratched her arm, which made me nervous. I noticed she was wearing sleeves and it was fairly hot out. God only knows what she had done after we fought.
I used to check her arms nonchalantly to see how she was doing and for the longest time, she was okay. I never noticed anything new and that made me so happy. But in that moment with a nearly hollow shell of Natalie in front of me, I wasn't so sure.
"I'm should probably get going," her voice was just about a whisper.
God, she hates me.
She started towards the door after shooting me a really uncomfortable and forced grin. Something finally pushed me and I stopped her.
"Wait," I called as her small hand lay upon the doorknob. She turned around and crossed her arms over her stomach, looking vulnerable as ever. "I, um-- since my mom isn't home to help me out, I was wondering if maybe you could. It will only take a second and I could really use your help."
Lies, I thought. I don't need her help, I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself. But I'm nowhere near capable of handling all of this time without Natalie. Whatever I can do to keep her around, I'll do it.
She scrunched her eyebrows downwards. Her puzzled emotion quickly fled, though. I knew it was because of the second-guessing thing.
"I just need help changing this bandage on my forehead. It's kind of hard to stand up and look in a mirror when I can't even stand on my own," I chuckled, pushing another joke.
That time, she didn't even try to fake a laugh. She just nodded and it broke my heart. Even after I voiced all of the things I didn't like about her and made her feel like shit, she still felt obligated to help me.
But as guilty as I felt, I would have done anything to get her back. She made me so, so happy and if I ever had the opportunity to win her over, I would make sure not to screw up again.
So she followed me up the stairs. It was a little more difficult to go upstairs in crutches rather than down, so I was kind of slow.
"Are you sure you should be doing this?" she asked, true concern in her voice.
I laughed and turned to her once I reached the top step. "Probably not, but that's never stopped me before."
Her lips twisted into a soft grin and I knew it was genuine. It was small, but it was a start. It felt like I was back to square one: trying my hardest to get even the littlest of emotions from her. I used to try so hard because I knew deep down that she wasn't the way she presented herself. Rather than being cold and sad, she was really a caring and trustworthy person. But in that moment, I didn't know who she was. It was a side of her I had never seen before and I really didn't like it at all.
It's your fault, don't get mad at her.
We reached the bathroom and I turned to her. "All of the first aid stuff is in the drawer right there," I motioned with my eyes.
She bent down and pulled it open, bringing the box out with her. She placed it on the counter and began rummaging through it. "Is there any special way I need to do it, or--"
"Nope," I shook my head, my eyes glued to her. She wasn't looking at me, but I couldn't stop my eyes from scanning over her face. She was so pretty and it took all of me not to kiss her right then. I knew it would make her mad, though. Although she didn't appear to be, I knew for a fact that she was extremely pissed off at me. I would have been, too.
She nodded, taking out a bottle of saline solution to clean it and one of the bandages. Then she turned to me and looked up, sighing suddenly. "You're, um, a little too tall. Can you--"
Before she could say anything else, I moved around her and slowly eased myself down to sit on the edge of the bathtub for her. I set my crutches off to the side. If she wasn't so upset with me, I would have cracked a joke about how short she was or how funny it was that she couldn't reach me, but I knew it wasn't the time. Things weren't going to be like that with us anymore.
Moving close to me, she began slowly peeling off the bandage that was in use. I flinched considering it still kind of hurt, but I had to hand it to her because she was being way more gentle than my mom had been or the nurses at the hospital.
"Sorry," her cool breath swept across my lips due to her closeness. She didn't seem to be affected by how close we were because she was so concentrated on what she was doing, but it was definitely hard for me to sit there and not do anything. It was too soon for her.
"It's okay," I whispered, my eyes on hers. She wasn't looking at me, though. She was focused on my forehead. As I watched her, it looked as if she wanted to say something, but she was holding back. I wished she didn't do that. I wanted her to tell me what was going on in her head.
She bit down on her bottom lip and started applying the solution to the open wound. Again, I flinched. It stung. For some reason, she apologized again. I chuckled softly.
"Stop apologizing."
She shrugged. "Sorry."
I wanted to laugh and point out her excessive "sorry's" again, but I didn't. I didn't want to make her feel as if I was still pointing out little mistakes she made or flaws she possessed. Like I said, I had already said enough and it was time to keep my mouth shut.
I knew she blamed herself for a lot of things and if she blamed herself for my "accident," I could never forgive myself. Although she had something to do with why I did it, it still wasn't her fault. She didn't actually do anything to me.
For a minute, it was silent. I hated that we were back to those awkward silences where neither of us knew what to say. Only this time, we both had so much to say to one another but it wasn't the time. It was way too soon and she looked so tired and worn out. I couldn't put anymore stress on her.
She used both of her thumbs to smooth the bandage out over my head. To my surprise, her hands trailed down the sides of my face, holding it. Her eyes finally came to mine and she looked so sad. Sympathetic. It was then that I knew she probably blamed herself for a lot of what happened.
"Did it hurt?" one of her thumbs stroked my skin. "I mean obviously it did, but do you remember it?"
I was a little hesitant, but I moved my own hands up to rest on her hips. I pulled her close to me and drew circles on her back with my fingertips. I then shook my head and ran my tongue over my lips. "I don't remember."
Her eyes gained a glossiness that showed me how saddened she was. It was hard seeing her that way. "You don't remember anything at all?"
Again, I shook my head. "Not at first, but my mom told me a few things and it's starting to come back to me a little bit." She looked down and inhaled deeply to calm herself down, trying to avoid having a complete breakdown in front of me. Holding her that way brought me so much relief, though. I knew it wasn't going to go anywhere, but it reminded me of what it was like before.
My eyes began to burn. "Hey," I whispered, bringing her attention back up to mine. "she told me what you did. She told me that you were the one that found me and you went with me on the way to the hospital. Do you know how much that means to me? After everything, I never expected you to want to come near me ever again. But I'm so glad you did, Natalie. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be here right now."
"Yeah but if it weren't for me, you wouldn't be in this mess in the first place."
"Don't say that," my stomach flipped. She did blame herself. "You didn't do anything wrong. It was an accident."
Again, my stomach turned. Lying to her was something I didn't want to do. But knowing that she already pinned the blame on herself for what happened to me, I couldn't be the one to make things worse for her. I think I had done enough of that. So telling her the complete truth about what happened was totally out of the question.
"I'm so sorry this happened to you," she cried, backing away from me. "As much as you say it isn't my fault, I can't help but feel like it is. Looking at you like this makes me feel so guilty and I hate myself for that. I should be so mad at you right now but I can't be and it sucks."
"You have every right to be mad at me," I agreed with her, causing her to stop. The angry and confused look in her eye turned into a melancholy one. "And you should be mad at me. But you're not because--"
"Because I care about you."
I sighed, remembering the day Avalanna died. I told her the same thing. "Right."
She didn't say anything else pertaining to that subject because she wasn't ready to be anything with me just yet. She needed time to move on from what I said to her but I knew that the possibility of that happening was very, very slim. The things I said to her were things that would potentially stick with her forever.
"I-- I think I need to go home now," she stated, tucking her hair behind her ear. She was so puzzled and her mind was in so many places at once. I could tell just by looking at her.
"Can you stay with me?" I asked innocently. My eyes were locked on hers and I knew I looked genuinely upset because I was. I hated myself for making her so confused and sad and guilty. She shouldn't have been any of those things. She was way too good for that. "You know, until my mom get's home? I get kind of lonely and it would be nice to have someone to talk to."
She shrugged her shoulders and ran her fingers through her hair. "Justin, I don't know, I--"
"Please?" I begged. "I really miss talking to you and watching stupid movies with you and making you laugh. That's all I want to do, I promise."
The look on her face had me feeling worse than ever. She barely knew what to say or do with herself and it was because of me. If I hadn't sat there and pointed out every single one of the things I didn't like about her, she would be completely willing to stay with me. But then again if I hadn't done all of those things, I probably wouldn't have been in the condition I was in.
I hated that I even said those things about her because none of it was true. Sure, they were little flaws that annoyed me occasionally, but that was it. They occasionally bothered me. I was one hundred and ten percent sure that there was a handful of things that she hated about me, but she accepted them because she really cared about me. She didn't even have to tell me that and I knew.
Eventually she nodded. I liked that it was hard for her to say no to me but then again at the same time, I hated it. I wanted her to stand up for herself and put me in my place because after all I did to her, I deserved that and more. I didn't even deserve to have her talk to me anymore.
Like I wanted, we sat in my room and continued watching Law & Order together. There was about a foot's distance between us on my bed the entire time and I think she had said about five words to me. I would've given anything to hold her hand or pull her close to me or rest my head on her shoulder or whatever, but there was no chance of that happening. I was lucky that she agreed to being in the same room with me.
When my mom came home, she left. But we didn't necessarily leave on a bad note because just before she left my room, she rested her hand on the door frame and looked me in the eye.
"I'll see you tomorrow," she murmured.
And that was enough to help me sleep that night.
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A/N: A lot of u keep askin me to make the chapters longer but then u also want them out faster too so idk what to do i can't do both like sry i can't write a 5,000 word chapter in 3 days that ain't gonna happen sorry little buddies i'm really trying to get these chapters and i think 3 times a week is a lot but idk i mean some of you complain and it makes me feel really under-appreciated and it kind of sucks but then there's others of you who are so sweet and tell me to take my time and wow i really love you ok just please be nice to me i'm really working hard on these okay
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