[ CONFLICTED ]
HALO SAT OUTSIDE OF LUKE'S HUT FOR WHAT FELT LIKE AN ETERNITY.
she could feel his presence inside. weary, still closed off entirely from the force. halo knew that she shouldn't have stormed away from him when he told her the truth. she knew that she should have stayed and listened to her master, helped him work it through.
but she did not want him to think she had abandoned him. she would always be there. he had to know.
she stared absently at her lightsaber, noticing the way the sun gleamed off it's ridges in the early morning air. it felt comforting in her hand, normal, and routine. it was the only constant she had ever known. always there. faithful and steady.
her thumb brushed over its hilt, littered with tiny scratches and indents. to her, it was the most beautiful thing in the world.
she was vaguely aware of rey lingering around the falcon. the young scavenger was practicing her techniques. it made halo smile. she never gave up. that girl was determined to become a jedi at whatever cost.
she let her eyes wander for a few more seconds before she felt a familiar tug in the back of her mind.
in a moment, he was there.
"you shouldn't have said those things."
halo's lips pressed firmly at his words. she could feel anger and annoyance radiating off of him. but more than anything, she could feel his confusion. it was deep and bitter, penetrating every waking part of his mind. it was constantly there. never ending.
"why not?" she dared, her eyes lingering on her saber.
she could practically hear his thoughts as he sat down beside her. he projected aggressively.
"it's the truth," she said softly, setting her fingers down on her lap before turning her light eyed gaze to his own.
she was startled by what she saw.
dark rings were formed beneath his eyes. hollow circles giving away his every thought. his deep eyes looked haunted, the angry flesh of his scar tugging one down at the corner. he looked sick. for a moment, she felt something close to worry tangle in her heart, but she quickly shoved it aside.
in his face, she saw many things. but there was a striking resemblance in that moment. he looked like a ghost. like the ghost of his father.
halo swallowed quickly.
she began to remember more things about him than she had allowed herself to as of late.
"don't go there," he muttered, his shoulders coiled and his muscles tensed. "please."
she felt an echo of anger flurry within her. but it was gone as soon as it came. and then, she was left with only grief.
"why..." she couldn't finish her words. a soft sob caught in her throat. she couldn't look at him.
"why what?"
"why did you..."
halo shook her head. she couldn't say it. she didn't want to ask, and she didn't want to know. really, she didn't want to be around him at all. not now. there was far too much to think about, and the closer they became, the stronger their bond became, and the stronger their bond became, the harder it was for her to let go of her feelings for him. she knew he didn't deserve them. she knew she should hate him. but she couldn't. why couldn't she?
she fearfully turned her eyes to look at him. she was met with lifeless remorse.
"say it."
his voice was empty.
"why did you kill him?"
his eyes sank to his hands. they weren't gloved as they usually were. she wondered what he had been doing before the connection had been made. she wondered where he was.
his fingers wrung against each other roughly. she could feel a flicker of pain brush against her, it was coming from him.
his feelings were erratic. hazy. she had no doubt that he was not answering because he was incapable of deciphering his own mind.
but the anger was still prevalent. poignantly so.
"you've got to let go of your hatred, ben," she whispered. "let it go. let it all go."
he stared at her wordlessly, something akin to a deep sadness passing over his eyes.
and then, he was gone.
halo let out a breath she didn't know she had been holding.
she reached out to him, but their connection was blocked from his side. his defenses were up, and there was no way around them.
an aching sigh left her lips. she turned to face the blank door of her master's hut.
halo was beginning to feel alone.
utterly and completely. alone.
[...]
halo watched in awe.
rey sat before her, in a deep state of meditation. her mind was clear, flowing easily with the force. halo was tentative to reach out at first, her mind still reeling from their previous experiences with meditation. but so much had changed since then. rey has come so far. and now, halo sensed no darkness, no light. only balance. peace.
it was a kind of feeling that she had never seen inside of a jedi. something she didn't know could exist. but she was watching it bloom before her very eyes. and it was beautiful.
she wished that luke was here. to see this.
she understood now why she had felt rey to be so important all those days ago. what she possessed was entirely new.
the stillness of the scavenger enveloped halo in a great sense of calm. for a moment, she let her mind go. she let everything go. it was so quiet, so peaceful. and then, she was no longer on ahch-to.
she could hear explosions all around her. her eyes were blinded by the glare of fire and debris in the distance. she felt pain ripple through her, sharp and inexplicable. pain at the sheer loss of life. it was everywhere. lights going dim, too many. there were too many.
she pressed her hands to her head, begging it to stop. what was this hell she was in? was she dreaming?
and then, everything grew still.
and she saw him.
sitting in the pilots chair of his ship. eyes trained on something beyond. she followed his gaze to what she knew to be the head of the resistance fleet. the mothership. and at its front, leia.
her heart fluttered in her chest.
his finger moved to the trigger at his side, his movement quick and hazardous. his body shook softly, a deep quiver that seemed to wrack his entire frame. halo watched as he pressed his lips, as his eyes stared ahead, as if they were looking at something.
that deep shade of brown belonged to the woman below. those same eyes were looking back at him.
halo wanted to say something, to scream for him to stop. he couldn't do it. leia couldn't die, and he couldn't be the one to kill her.
she had to stop it. she had to.
and then, she felt something come from his side of the bond.
memories. distant and cloudy. memories of a crying boy, being held by his mother. of the falcon, how big its halls felt to such young eyes. chewie's fur beneath tiny fingers, eyes rising to impossible heights off the ground as he sat on the wookie's shoulders. a birthday, han solo gone. a goodbye, han solo gone. loneliness, luke skywalker. fiery hair, blue eyes, love. sorrow. anger. betrayal. regret.
a man walking across the bridge. a father and his son. pain. anger. fury.
a lightsaber extended, no one willing to take it.
his father, dead. gone. his father who he could never see again, who did not know the force and therefore could not return. he could never atone. he could never move on.
a girl lying in the snow, red hair blending in with red blood. pain. anger. fury. regret.
that same girl looking at him like no one ever had.
snoke, splitting his mind apart. tearing through it without a care, seeing everything, knowing everything. unmaking him. ripping him apart.
leia. leia. mother.
he pulled his finger away from the trigger.
a tear slipped unnoticed down his face.
and the bridge of the resistance ship lit aflame.
she was gone.
[ hehe things are really gonna start picking up.
;)))))))
- kona ]