i covered skinny love --- listen to it if you want!! ;)
"you're doing that thing again."
"what thing?"
"the thing where you press the cigarette against your skin."
taehyung looked down at his hands; he had the cigarette pressed forcefully into the skin of his wrist. he pulled it away and saw that it had left a small red imprint.
it was as if he made himself relive the sensation of having a cigarette burned out against his skin.
"do you want to eat anything?"
"no thanks."
yoongi raised an eyebrow, clearly worried and trying to hide it. "are you sure? you've been here since four, so i know you haven't had dinner."
"i had lunch."
"but you didn't have dinner."
taehyung shrugged, leaning back into his chair and putting down the cigarette to cross his arms across his chest. his black coffee sat on the table in front of him, barely touched, and his sleeves were pulled all the way over his fingers. soft music played in the empty cafe, echoing lowly.
"i don't need dinner."
yoongi furrowed his eyebrows. "seriously?"
"just drop it, yoongi. i'm fine."
"you're not fine; that's the thing."
taehyung visibly stiffened, clenching at the fabric of his shirt. he stood up, pocketing his cigarette.
"i need to go."
he started walking away before yoongi grabbed his wrist frantically. anger surged in taehyung's chest.
"taehyung, stop-"
"don't fucking touch me!" he jerked away violently, turning around to face yoongi with dark eyes. "i'm fine! i thought you might understand and shit, but clearly you don't, so why don't you just leave me alone and let me fucking kill myself? yeah?"
yoongi stared, appalled at the words that had just left taehyung's lips. all the while, he could still feel the way that his fingers wrapped around the younger boy's wrist so easily.
taehyung was angry, breathing heavily and hands shaking.
they stared at each other for a few seconds, and then taehyung left, slamming the door behind him.
* * *
jungkook glanced nervously at taehyung.
they sat in the break room, side by side, completely silent. taehyung looked worn out and tired, eyes nearly half lidded.
"are you okay?"
taehyung looked up, empty, gray eyes meeting jungkook's worried gaze. he forced a tight smile. "yeah. just tired."
jungkook nodded, averting his eyes. "are you going to eat anything for lunch?"
taehyung shook his head. "not hungry."
taehyung was wearing a white long sleeved shirt, despite it being well into spring and much too warm for long sleeves. the sleeves were pulled over his fingers to cover his hands.
"are you cold?"
"a little. why?"
"just wondering."
jungkook stood awkwardly, hating the heavy silence of the room. "i'm going back to work. are you coming?"
taehyung nodded. "yeah. coming."
* * *
taehyung opened his curtains, gazing outside into the city facing him.
he had been laying in bed staring at the ceiling for hours, unable to sleep because of nightmares that plagued his dreams and thoughts that suffocated his every breath. he hadn't spoken with yoongi for three days, purposefully avoiding the cafe and ignoring any text messages yoongi sent.
the city gave off a dark blue glow, illuminating his small room and leaving a shadow on his ceiling of his window. he stretched out a hand, watching his shadow move in the light; that was all he was: a shadow. he had nothing else to his life.
he could end it all.
he could kill himself tonight.
where had he left his medicine?
he padded slowly into the bathroom, opening a cabinet door and pulling out a small container. the pills looked so forlorn and harmless sitting in the bottle. funny how something so small can kill so easily.
taehyung opened the lid, fiddling with the pills inside. he shook the bottle once, spilled out a few pills into his palm and felt the weight of them. he put them back, paced back and forth in his bathroom for a moment, then opened the bottle again.
did he really want to?
yes, he did.
so what was stopping him?
just then, his phone vibrated in his pocket.
he pulled it out, squinting in the dark to see the bright screen.
text message from: yoongi
tae? please respond to me. i'm worried.
he froze, rereading the message again. he looked at the bottle of pills in his hand, then looked back to his phone.
taehyung decided he would say goodbye to yoongi; he deserved a goodbye.
he called, and yoongi picked up quickly.
"tae?"
"hi yoongi."
"you called," yoongi breathed.
taehyung smiled. "yeah. i'm... i'm busy, so i have to go soon, but let's just talk for a bit. i missed your voice."
he put the pills down for a moment and sat down on his bathroom floor, leaning against the wall.
"are you okay? how has everything been?"
"yeah, i'm okay," taehyung said. "everything's been the same, just a little boring without you." he bit his lip. "sorry for that whole meltdown a few days ago. i don't know what took over me."
yoongi audibly shifted. "it's fine, no big deal. i just started to get worried about you because you weren't answering my texts and... and... i don't know, just... talk to me. vent. anything. god, i missed you."
taehyung laughed softly, glancing back at the pills sitting on his sink. "honestly, things are bad," he said. "i threw up yesterday, i cut this morning, i haven't been able to sleep because i'm just so tired and so scared of the nightmares... i don't know what to do anymore."
i do know what to do.
please don't try to save me.
"yoongi, can you buy me white lilies?"
the other line went silent for a moment. "white... lilies?"
"yeah."
"why?"
taehyung felt his eyes sting with tears.
"tae, those flowers represent death."
"i... i know."
"what are you trying to say right now?"
taehyung smiled. "i'm going to kill myself tonight," he said. "i called to say goodbye."
yoongi struggled to find the words to respond with. they caught in his throat, choking him; no, no no no, taehyung couldn't, he wouldn't. "no. taehyung, don't you dare!"
"i'm sorry." taehyung's voice was soft, shaking ever so slightly from the sobs that were constricting his chest. "just get me those lilies; white lilies are pretty."
taehyung hung up.