Okay, soooo I will be posting each chapter after I am done editing them. This is 1/4. Everything ended up being shorter then I anticipated.
Changes will be made because I believe they will enhance the story. They have not been made yet but if there are some messy parts that's why.
I really hope you guys like the way that I have written the rest of this story!
Enjoy!
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The street was eerily quiet except for the incessant ringing of the dial tone in my ear. Derek didn't pick up the first try.
He didn't pick up the second try either.
I stare at the phone angrily wondering who else I could call or where else I could go.
I just left Caroline's and I didn't really know if we were on that level of relationship to ask her to comfort me and she didn't know my history with my father. Jet and I were just getting close, bonding over our sexualities but not our families. Erin, who I loved, never said any of the right things but always said things on the more superficial level. I definitely couldn't go home. Not in this state, it would wreck my mother.
My ideal choice would have been Dylan of course. She knew all my ups and downs with my family and my father. But I just couldn't get past the haunting look that she had on her face the other night. I still haven't gotten the courage to talk to her about it. It was a lot to just expect her to still be there for me during my low points.
I called Derek again.
As soon as I heard his gruff sleep coated voice over the phone I started to cry again. " Hey, woah what's going on?"
"Can you please just come pick me up?" I knew I probably sounded like a complete and tragic mess but I didn't care. I just needed someone.
"Sure sure. Just tell me where you are?" I told him while wrapping my arms around myself and sitting on the curb in a pathetic heap. " Stay where you are."
I don't know how much time had passed with me with my head on my knees before Derek's pick-up came roaring down the block.
I didn't bother getting up from my place on the curb. Derek stopped the car near me, then gets out to jog over to me. All in soft cotton duck pajama pants. If I didn't feel so crushed I might have laughed at the sight.
Derek didn't bother making me move into the car but instead, he just plopped down right next to me, putting a toned bronze-colored arm around my shoulders for a hug. He didn't say anything but instead just let me cry my silent tears.
When my sniffles signaled the end of my tears, Derek said, "Who do I need to beat the shit out of?"
I just shook my head. " My father," I breathed in trying to catch my breath and gather the actual courage to repeat his words. "Scott said that I was a mistake. That the boys were a mistake."
"That son of a bitch."
I just nodded because what else could I say.
Derek's fist shook violently, itching to punch something. I could feel the anger rippling through his body. "What gives him the right to treat people like crap? He is a real piece of work."
"You don't get to pick your family."
"That man is not your family. I am and so is Dylan." I scoffed at the mention of Dylan.
"If Dylan were family.."I was surprised when he cut me off quickly, shaking his head back and forth.
"I'm so sick of this." He looked like he was going to say more but he just couldn't get the words he wanted to say. Dylan and Derek had that in common. Sometimes they looked so much alike when they mulled over their words. " Dylan is your family. You guys are both just being stupid but also stupid within reason."
"How am I being stupid?"
"You haven't even tried to talk to her," Derek said with a dismissive laugh.
"I have, Derek! I really have but she just doesn't say anything or she just says she can't. What am I supposed to do with that?"
I really wasn't in the mood to get into an argument with Derek. This is one of the ways that talking to Derek was unproductive. He had a way of diverting the conversation with his feelings and his opinions, trying to get me to see things his way.
"You know Dylan, she can't speak sometimes. Especially when it's something like this." I was so fed up with all of this back and forth, with neither of us saying anything or maybe with Dylan trying to work up the courage to tell me what the hell was going on.
"Something like what?"
Derek stood, wiping his hands on his pants and then rubbing his face roughly. "Look, I can't."
"Why does everyone keep saying that? Tell me what's going on."
Derek looked at me with a fixed stare. In the dark of the night, I could still see his lips were in a firm line with a set jaw. "I can't. I just can't. Especially not now that you are with Caroline."
His words jarred me for a moment because I hadn't been expecting Caroline to be a topic of conversation right now." What does this have to do with her?"
"Wren I can't."
I stood now, trying to match his height, or at least wanting to look like I was going to stand my ground. "You can't or you won't?"
"I can't and I won't. We can't talk about this." My eyes narrowed at him but I knew that he wasn't going to budge on the matter.
"What do you mean we? Do you mean you and I? Or Dylan and you?"
"Both." Derek jingled his keys, twirling them on his index finger. "Look birdie, I'm sorry your dad is a major piece of shit and I'm sorry that we can't talk about this but you just have to trust me. Trust us."
I just didn't know what to say. What in the world could Dylan have been keeping from me? What were both of them keeping from me and what in the hell did it have to do with Caroline.
I was still extremely hurt by Scott's careless and heartless words. The look on his face when he said them is burned into my skull. I don't think I would be able to ever forget it. It was worse than seeing his car for the last time. Suddenly I couldn't breathe again.
"Hey, hey." Derek pulled me into a hug again, realizing my distress. "I am sorry. Forget about that dick. Let's just go to my house and you can just stay there for tonight."
Derek started to steer me toward his pickup, opening the passenger side door for me to get in. "What about Dylan?"
"Don't worry about her." I looked at him for reassurance. I got a nod in response, so I got into the truck.
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When we got to their home, the windows were dark. Everyone must have been sleeping with I was glad for because I really didn't want to explain my appearance. I'm sure my hair was a mess and my face looked like a swollen tomato. I hated when people asked why I was upset because most of the time it just made me want to start crying all over again.
Inside the house, Derek pushed me toward the couch then commanding me to sit. Soon he comes bounding back into the room with an armful of blankets and a DVD that looked quite like Pacific Rim in hand.
"Really? You want to watch that?" I said exasperated. A girl could really use a good chick flick but Derek clearly thought I wanted to see aliens fighting big mega zords.
"What? It's a good movie!" That was his only defense and I didn't feel like arguing so I just watched him as he put the DVD in and pressed play. I snuggled into him, happy when he came back to sit down.
Less than ten minutes into the movie, car headlights pulled into the driveway, shining through the window in front of us. I looked at Derek, who looked back at me with wide eyes.
Before we could even make a move, Dylan was lumbering her way into the house. At first she didn't notice us, but instead, she just tossed her ice skates on the floor by the door, then stripped off her jacket hanging it on a hook. She only noticed us when she walked toward the living room and turned on the light.
All three of us just stared at each other not really knowing how to approach the situation. Then Dylan looked directly at me and I could just see a fuse going off in her mind. "What the hell happened to you?" She practically shrieked.
Dylan trekked over the mound of blankets, tripping a little, then landing next to me in a heap. I think she forgot all about the way we ended things last because suddenly her hands were all over my face. She ran her hands over my unruly brown hair, before moving my chin sided to side checking my face.
I jerked back because I did remember how we left things and I just couldn't stand another second of her being that close to me. I couldn't stand how long her eyelashes were, and how smooth her tan skin was, or how brown her eyes were.
"I'm fine."
"She wasn't fine a minute ago." I immediately glared at Derek for ratting me out.
Dylan flexed her hand with a high chin. She looked away from me and Derek. She stood abruptly, pacing away from us. When she faced us again, her hands were on her hips. "Was it Caroline? Because I swear to God if she hurt you." I was completely thrown by this new demeanor that was radiating off of Dylan. The heat in the room rose tenfold.
"Calm down baby sis." Derek got up from the couch, letting the blanket fall off of me and onto the floor.
"I'm literally 2 minutes younger than you." He ignores her with the wave of the hand, which she smacks away. It was so odd being back in their home and watching them interact together.
"Whatever. Wren's father said some pretty harsh stuff." Derek said solemnly.
Dylan's glower increased as she clenched her fist repeatedly with nostrils flaring. " What did he say?" She said with an edge to her voice.
I didn't respond though. My throat just constricted making words impossible. I lowered my hands instead and fiddled with my fingers.
"I think you guys should just talk," Derek said while coming over to me once more, he plants a kiss on my forehead, which normally I would have found disgusting but instead it was endearing. "I'm just no good at this stuff. Feel better." Then he leaves the room.
Dylan and I are left in the room alone. Neither of us makes a move to say anything, the sounds of screaming aliens coming from the screen. The screeching was a rendition of what I was feeling on the inside as Dylan's brown eyes bore into mine.
Abruptly she breaks our eye contact. "I'll be right back." I smiled a little, amused at Dylan's low people skills.
It took her at least ten minutes to finally come back into the room and when she did, Dylan was holding two mugs in a very unstable fashion and a DVD was crammed under her armpit. I moved to help her out but she had already successfully placed the mugs on the coffee table.
Dylan waved the DVD case at me showing me that she had picked out The Princess Bride to replace Pacific Rim. "I think we could use some happy endings right now." I most certainly agreed, plus I loved The Princess Bride. But I knew that really the movie was going to be used as a cover for not making the moment too intimate. The movie would fill all awkward silences and also give us a reason not to look at each other for too long.
When Dylan settled on the couch, not to close to me but not too far away either, she passed me the chamomile tea that she had made. One of the best things about Dylan was that she always knew how to make the best tea. Never too much honey or too much sugar.
I sipped the drink slowly, loving the feeling of the hot liquid spreading through my body. I noticed that how tired I was as the tea seeped into my bones. If Dylan wasn't looking at me with expecting eyes, I probably would have just curled up in the blankets to doze off.
I looked at the dark liquid in my cup, not wanting to look in Dylan's eyes. I knew it just might make me cry again. " He said he didn't want me Dyl."
Dylan clenched her jaw, just like Derek did before. " He doesn't deserve you."
I shrugged one shoulder. " But you don't know how crappy it feels when the person you wanted to love you your entire life tells you that your entire being is just a mistake." Dylan's eyes were sad as she gave me a heavy nod. She really hadn't drunk any of her too so I wasn't surprised when she put it back on the coffee table.
I was surprised when she scooted closer to me, pressing my body to her side and put an arm around my waist. It wasn't a very tight hug, but it was a hug all the same. She didn't make any move to move away after the action was done either. So we sat bodies pressed together, in a way that was supposed to be comforting.
And it was but also it caused all the nerve endings in my body to come to life with just simple and caring contact. It just felt so right that I couldn't bring myself to move. I didn't want to move even though every part of my brain was screaming at me to move away. I kept waiting for her to say something, anything. Or waiting for her to be the one to move away.
" Wren, do you remember when I came out to you?" She wasn't looking at me when she finally speaks but instead at the movie. But I can't look away from her.
I had no clue where she was going with this. "Of course I do," I answered.
" I was scared shitless. I was so scared that you would think I was some sort of freak or that you couldn't be my friend anymore because you didn't want to be best friends with someone who liked girls. Of course, you said none of those things because low and behold you also liked girls. Which I didn't see coming, by the way. But that's not the point and of course, I do have one. A point I mean." She said starting to ramble a bit.
"Dylan"
" Right what I'm trying to say is that you didn't say any of those things. You told me it didn't matter who I liked or who I wanted to be with. You told me that it matter who I was as a person and whoever that was you would never leave me and you would never think less of me because I was always so much more to you then my sexuality.
That's how I feel now. It doesn't matter what your father thinks. It doesn't matter that he was stupid enough to let you go, or stupid enough not to get to know you. What matters is that you are so much more than anyone could ever be. You are so much more than him. You are so much more than all of this.
You don't need him in your life to validate that you are important. You are important to so many people. You are important to me. You could never be a mistake. "
I was absolutely breathless as I stared at Dylan. She wouldn't look at me but instead started to bite her nails. I didn't know what to say. What do you say to someone who said that? I blinked at her, pulling back to get a good look at her face. My heart beat rapidly in my chest.
This was Dylan.
Dylan who kept everything so bottled up inside her, never voicing how she really thought and felt about anything. She was never this articulant. But when it came to making me feel better Dylan said whatever was on her mind, as long as it helped me. I always wanted to be around Dylan even when she didn't want to be around me.
I wanted her to be in my life even if that meant that I could only be friends with her because all that mattered was that she was there. Dylan let me be vulnerable and I always felt so okay, so at peace with Dylan because she always let me. She always was the calm to the storm that was my life. She was the calm that set my heart racing wildly and my nerves burning.
Holy shit.
I didn't just like Dylan. I was in love with her.
This entire time I thought I was working on getting over her, that I was moving on. I was forcing myself to be into someone else, forcing myself to like someone else because that was what I thought was the right thing for me. But instead, I had just been ignoring my feelings and forcing myself not to think about them. I was forcing myself not to feel anything for her.
Holy shit I was in love with her.
I abruptly stood, sloshing the now lukewarm tea onto the couch. But I honestly didn't care. I just needed to leave. I needed to talk to Caroline. I needed to get away from Dylan. "I have to go."
I placed the mug on the coffee table not caring that it clanked hard on the wood or that more tea had sloshed out there too. I moved hastily to the door, fearing that if I looked at Dylan now, I'd start crying all over again, or kiss her, or even worse I might blurt out that I loved her.
Dylan was hot on my heels, successfully reaching out and grabbing hold of my arm. "Wren wait! What's going on?"
I don't turn around, and I try not to wrestle out of her grasp since I knew that I was already exhibiting erratic behavior. "No, I have to go. I'll explain later. I just can't right now."
Dylan gaped, still gripping my wrist. " You can just stay the night."
"No!" I would not be staying anywhere near Dylan tonight. I couldn't especially now knowing that I was in love with this girl. My emotions were making me feel completely insane and my body flushed hotly. I lowered my voice this time when I spoke, "No, I'm just gonna go home. I'll see ya tomorrow."
"Okay..." Dylan trailed off, letting over of my wrist. "Tomorrow then."
So I left, walking home to my house. I needed a walk.
I needed to figure out how to tell Caroline that I was in love with someone else.
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The next morning before class I had quickly written a note back to the writer because I just wanted to them to respond with literally anything at all. Anything to prepare me for breaking it off with Caroline.
I realized now that I fell for the idea of everything that Caroline was. Caroline was there and willing to be with me and like me. I wanted a relationship so bad and I wanted someone to care about me that I just went after the first person that it made sense to. Of course, I liked her and of course, she was an extremely great person but that doesn't change the fact that my feelings just aren't in a place to be with her. I was so desperate to be loved and to love someone I was okay with not getting the person who I really wanted. But now I know that that is not okay and I need to be honest with myself. I'm already in love with someone else.
Dear Cautious and Weary,
There have been some major developments in my life.
One: I feel like I know you. I know that's crazy because I probably don't but when you write to me I just feel some sort of a familiarity. Crazy right? Or maybe it's not. But I will admit, that in some ways because you are so familiar to me, I might have feelings for you which is even crazier. I'm just confused about everything right now. Please tell me that this is not crazy?
Two: I think I know who you are, but if you are who I think I don't want it to be you. Which leads to point three.
Three: Caroline if this is you, I'm so sorry for what I am about to say to you right now but I'm in love with someone else. I don't want to be, oh how I don't want to be. I'm sorry for how stupid I have been. I shouldn't have ever started a relationship with you. I loved being with you, so much but I'm just not in love with you. I have been in love with another girl this entire time and I feel so stupid for thinking that I could just get over her. I feel so stupid for thinking that it would be okay to just start a relationship with someone else because for once someone actually liked me. How could I do anything else but love her?
I have been so extremely stupid. Have I said that?
Four: Scott the sperm donor, doesn't want me and never did, no surprise there. But it doesn't matter because I don't need him to feel important and loved. I have my friends and I have my family. Hopefully, I have CC too but let's not get into that.
If this isn't Caroline then I'm thoroughly embarrassed but you have always been there for me through all the ups and downs of my relationships and my father stuff so I just expect that me just rambling on about my love for a girl would be nothing out of the realm of the stuff we talk about anyway.
Whoever this is, I think we need to meet because I could use a person like you right now.
From,
Crazy in Love.
Now, classes were over and I was rushing to get to the library because I needed to know if the writer was Caroline and if they weren't then maybe they would have revealed who they really are. Anticipation was flowing quickly through my veins as I rushed into the library.
I round the corner nearing where the writer and I hid our letters to each other.
I came to a crashing halt when I saw a girl reading the notebook.
A girl with red hair.