For you, with full of hatred.
I hate to fall in love. I hate to feel happy whenever I see you again, smile sheepishly, guessing, always guessing. I hate my heartbeat when I wait for you to online. And when you’re on, I’ll be on my bed, pillow under my chin, then think, smile and try to find some funny sentences so you could laugh over there. Because what people say, the easier way to make someone fall in love with you is to make her laugh. And I hope it is right.
I hate to feel surprise whenever your text popped in my inbox and I hate when I had to take a long time to reply it, delete it, thinking every words to say. I hate when I fall in love, like every detail I say, type, write and send to you become matter, as if it has to be perfect or I could just lose you. I hate to be in that position. But I can’t have a bargain, right?
I hate to translate every signal you gave. Is your questions are mean something or a rhetoric or just another meaningless question I misunderstood with over confidence? What was the mean of your head leaned on my shoulder yesterday? Was that only usual gesture or is that mean anything, or maybe it just me who misunderstood with over confidence over again?
I hate when I had to think about you before I went to bed and feel something moving inside my chest, spreading across my whole body, and I feel giving in, anxious. I hate to think that I could do this all night long, without sleeping. Just like this.
I hate when you stick your head on mine whenever you tried to take a peek on the camera I hold. Oh, I hate it why our heads touch each other, I hold my breath, I felt awkward and I want to run away. I hate cause I’m fully aware of my awkwardness but can’t do anything at all.
I hate when my head start to remind me, it said. “Hey, it just a physical attraction, eventually you’ll know that you hadn’t anything in common.” Which answer immediately by my heart, saying. “Don't listen to your head.”
I hate to always try to seek your flaw. Flaw which I desperately force to seek because I hate to know that you possibly be perfect, you’re flawless and I hopelessly madly in love with you.
I hate to fall in love, especially to you. And for God’s sake, I hate to fall in love with you. Because this madness feeling, all of longing, fear, awkwardness which raging inside and slowly sparks…
I don’t want to be alone...
Sincerely
Ben
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This isn’t originally mine, this writing is belong to one of Indonesian’s writer and I just (poorly) translated it in English cause I love his writing and honestly it related to me so bad.😂