Our footsteps resonated through the vast space of the building as we paced.They bounced off the walls that breathed with a certain severity and earnestness,as I felt slightly out of place. People came and went as we walked. Some serious,some sad,some angry and some furious...but all in all,it seemed to me all of them had one thing in common as I realised something similar reflected in Chris' eyes that morning as well.
My eyes were steady on Chris' back as we walked out of the courtroom,almost hypnotised by the way his dark locks danced on the fabric of his jacket. That morning's biggest achievement was talking a bad-tempered Chris into wearing a suit jacket and pulling his mane together in a rubber band. It really was the least I could do to prevent the judge from showing him out of the courtroom before he'd even have the time to pronounce his name.
However,the combat boots,torn apart black jeans and an Alice in Chains T-shirt were off limits.
I observed Chris' features change from calm to furious in a split second,the moment she refused to sign his belongings back to him. A few old guitars,a few records and some other music equipment were now another thing that was off limits.
Suzan's stare made me feel out of place,I could feel it burning on my face as I gripped on Chris's arm when he shouted at her when she claimed her right on his belongings. She didn't seem to even notice his reaction,focusing on to shooting a venomous glare at me instead. I wondered whether it might have been her way of telling me I was the reason of his unhappiness.
Still,she was now out of the frame of his life...as I still dwelled on the right words to say to him. Was I even supposed to show my compassion and support when I knew nothing about this whole situation at all? After all,everything I knew was introduced to me by Chris. I simply didn't want to sniff around something that had nothing to do with me.
It takes two to ruin a union.
I decided that simply being there and walking behind him with my eyes on his back would do.
"Thank you for everything you've done,I know you did your best." Chris stated as he greeted his lawyer,before he finally turned around and looked at me with cold eyes that quickly softened as they met mine.
"Walk with me?" he simply asked,a smile slightly curling the corner of his lips.
"Always." I answered,a broad smile adorning my face as our palms slid against one another's in a tight grip.
In complete silence,we walked beside the many piers down by the green looking waters of Elliott Bay,our eyes scanning over the many boats that were docked as tourists awaited the next panoramic ride. For once,the sun was up and shining over the forest of gray concrete that was Seattle. It reflected off the sea as it transformed into speckles of luminous shadows on its waves.
The only proof of him being here in the form of his gentle grip on my palm.
I hardly even noticed we had reached all the way to the docks of Waterfront Park when his feet stood steady in place as he turned to face me.
"Wanna go for a ride?" he asked,his eyes smiling brighter than his lips as his hand motioned over to the Seattle Great Wheel that rose above the many buildings.
"On that thing? Never." I said as my body shivered under the thought of being high amongst the clouds.
"Oh,little Chloe's afraid of heights,I see." he joked,his arm sliding over my shoulders as he pulled my body into his.
"No,stupid. It's just I'd rather sit by the water and soak up the sun.My skin desperately needs it...this town has turned me into an albino." I laughed and he followed me into it.
"Come on."
Chris walked me over to a bench on one of the docks,the one closest to the end of the dock.
He sat and pulled me onto his lap,so I sat across his legs and wrapped my arm around his shoulders. I noticed his eyes scanning the horizon whose line shone under the warmth of the afternoon sun,strands of gold marbling the dark of his eyes.
"You know...what happened with Andy a few weeks ago made me think a little." he started,his sight now focused onto my face.
The truth is,Andrew and I both acted normal around each other. Nothing changed,except for the fact I paid a little more attention to how I walked out of the bathroom we all shared after having a shower,no more hands on my boobs whilst running over to our bedroom shirtless.
"I love him like a brother and I am one hundred percent sure he would never...you know,try anything. He's all words,but he respects and loves us both...you know he'd never stand on our way. " he seemed to struggle with his words as he observed my face for a trace of reaction.
I,on the other hand,waited for him to continue.
"You and I have been together for long enough...even though I knew you were something unique when I first lay my eyes on you. And..." it was almost amusing watching this man,who screamed his heart out along to heavy riffs and was always beyond amazing with words,struggle to put his feelings in to words.
"I think we need our own place. To just...you know,have a space we could use as we like..." I gasped as he spoke,all of it coming like a much needed breeze on a boiling summer evening. A million sparks seemed to shatter my insides with happiness.
"I love living with the guys...it's just,I want to take us to the next level. We can still visit and all-"
"Ooohhh Chris shut up and let me scream my happiness out!" I cut him off,wrapping my arms around him and burying my face in his hair as I pulled him against me.
Chris simply laughed at my reaction,his grip around my waist tightening as he brought me even closer to himself.
"Is that a yes?" he enthusiased.
"It's a big fucking yes..." I started,my voice filled with gentle emotion.
"For the best fucking thing that ever happened to me...you." I breathed before his lips brushed against mine,both of us smiling against each other's mouth.
"I am glad I made you happy baby...because you make me happy just by breathing." he said, tucking a rebellious strand of hair that found its way on my face back behind my ear.
I said nothing,because there truly wasn't anything to say as the words to describe my happiness simply didn't exist.
"We gotta go love,I need to meet the band tonight. We are finalizing some stuff for the show in Olympia this week." he said.
Right,this week's concert for which Mother Love Bone would be opening.
"Up we go then." I said before we headed to where we'd parked.
If I loved something about Seattle it was the fact it was a relatively well connected city and its driveways were in a good state,so Chris' old mustang did the job instead of public transport. I loved to sit beside him when he drove,the radio always on and our voices always singing along in perfect harmony.
I wondered,was there anything involving Chris that didn't make me happy?
Even the smallest of things,like the sight I had before my eyes just as we rounded the corner of the parking lot and entered the red brick building we lived in.
His right hand was in the pocket of his favorite jeans and his eyes stared forward,into nothing in particular.
A minute and two seconds.
We often joked about this,how it always took him too long to find the keys to the apartment whether he was drunk or sober.
"Where the fuck is everyone?" Chris asked as a calming silence greeted us upon our arrival.
"Practicing for Olympia perhaps?" I assumed,closing the door behind me.
"Could be. Right,I'll be jumping into the shower and then heading out." he said before pressing a kiss on my forehead.
"I'll be in the living room." I announced as he walked down the corridor,leaving a trail of clothes behind him as he made sure to leave the bathroom door opened.
I could see him as I lay on the couch in the living room. With his back turned to me,he slowly slid his shirt over his head,his muscles tensing as he lifted his arms up. Chris then turned around,revealing his perfect profile before his hands went to his belt.
I felt a pleasant feeling build up inside of me as I watched the mischievous smirk forming on his face whilst his jeans slid off his long legs,and to my surprise-his boxers went down with them.
I realised I was smiling as I watched the definition of beauty standing there in all of his glory. He knew I was watching,his lips curved into a sensual smile as his long fingers slid across his hip bones,his eyes fixed onto the mirror in front of him. I chuckled as my cheeks burned a bright red,Chris' hand travelling up to his torso only to run through his thick hair as his lips parted in a sexual exhalation.
"Enjoying the sight?" he asked,smiling but never looking my direction.
"You savage." I said through a laugh as I covered my face with a pillow.
"Join me?" he asked.
"I'll pass." I teased.
Chris turned around,facing me as he leaned against the wooden door frame.
"You sure?" he insisted.
"Absolutely." I said,looking at him as I bit my bottom lip and let out a sigh.
He was a sight for sore eyes,but I wanted to make him wait until tonight.
"Suit yourself." he said before disappearing behind the blurred door of the shower,leaving visible only the shadow of his tall frame.
I laughed it off and made my way to Chris' and Andrew's secret record collection. Kneeling before the old wooden box,my eyes scanned the colorful row of vinyl before I run my fingers across the carton covers.
Dark side of the moon by Pink Floyd. The perfect soundtrack for leaning against the pillows on the couch and drifting away into a parallel universe. Listening to the soft cracking of dust as it touched the needle of the record player, I let the music take me away as it healed parts of my subconsciousness in a magical way.
"I want you...all of you."
For the first time since that cold evening when my best friend's lips clashed against mine in an attempt to pour his feelings out to me,Andrew's words resonated through my head like the loud whistling of a hurricane.
I remembered the scent of his skin as he leaned closer to me,his lips brushing against my cheek and his breath caressing my earlobe.
I blushed under the sudden feeling of uneasiness caused by those memories.
I wished he'd kept it all inside of him,that he never said anything to Chris or me...that he never showed me the side of him I never wanted to see,because now...I saw him as a man rather than the ever cheerful ball of happiness he used to reflect as in my eyes.
I suddenly became aware of his gentle features that sharpened up whenever he tried to hide his feelings behind them,of how big the hazel of his eyes was...of how beautiful he was in general.
I wondered if Chris really beared no grudge against him when my thoughts begun to dissolve into colorful scenes of a crowded space,with people dancing before a stage and music blasting from the speakers before them.
A Pink Floyd concert?
"Chloe?" I heard a familiar voice pull me out of my dreams,a gentle hand stroking my hair.
"Chris...?" I muttered,my eyes still half closed and my sight slightly blurred.
"I am going to meet up with the guys. We'll head out for a couple of beers after we're done in the studio. Should I pick you up?" he whispered as I leaned into his touch.
"I'll meet you there...Mambo's?" I asked with my voice still coarse from sleeping.
"Yes. I'll meet you there then,all right?" he said before I felt a soft kiss on my forehead. I loved when he did that.
"Yes baby. Go,be productive..." I slurred my words,hanging somewhere between sleep and reality.
He kissed my lips before pulling a blanket over me,the sound of his boots against the old wooden floor bouncing against the high ceilings of the apartment as he walked.
I heard his key turn in the lock of the entrance door before I slipped back into the comforting silence of sleep.
I slipped back into a comfortable kind of darkness in which I seemed to float for quite a long time...a much needed escape from my ever rushing thoughts.
What seemed like seconds turned into hours after Chris had left when a loud sound penetrated through the tall walls of my unconsciousness and slowly woke me up. The living room was dark,and I realised I must have slept for quite a long time.
A laugh followed by a bang against the entrance door as a key seemed to be trying to enter the keyhole...and it was failing miserably.
It seemed to me I could hear a woman laugh followed by another familiar voice...
Jeff and Carrie? - I thought to myself as the key seemed to finally have unlocked the door.
"Shit,I think we might've broken them..." Andrew's slightly slurred words echoed through the emptiness of the apartment.
"Catch me if you can baby!" Xana shouted as I heard her running to what I assumed was his bedroom.
"You better be naked in one...two...three..." he started counting before running after her.
A loud bang as he closed the door behind him,their laughter muffled by the thick concrete walls.
"Silly lovebirds. "I said through a laugh as I sat up on the couch.
My eyes slid across the room,finally landing onto the clock on the kitchen wall.
I grinned as I realised I still had time for a little nap before heading downtown to meet up with Chris and the rest of Soundgarden.
I nestled into the soft fabric of the couch and pulled up the blanket some more,the laughter from Andrew's bedroom finally ceasing a little.
However,my eyes opened up wide as I heard it and realised the door to his bedroom was somehow opened again.
I blushed as their loud panting filled into the place of silence,his low moans making me blush a deep red.
"You like that baby,huh?" he asked,his voice so much deeper than usual,her response merely a low grunt. I could almost hear how much he enjoyed from his voice.
I dwelled on whether I should leave...or simply tell them that I was there?
The sound of bodies colliding and heavy breathing filled the apartment as I pulled the blanket over my head. It was mostly Andrew though,releasing the energy of pleasure through soft and yet perfectly audible sounds that resembled his way of singing-sensible and yet harsh and manly.
I realised it made my insides tickle with a strange feeling.
The image of his lust filled eyes hiding under locks of damp strands of blonde crossed my mind,as I imagined his big hands holding onto her hips to keep her steady beneath him. I shook my head,in hope to shake these images out of it too.
I was beyond embarrassed and I wanted to scream only to let them know I was here.
It seemed to be going on for a long time and I wondered just how much more of this I could endure.
"Oh God..." I heard him breathe as his name left her lips in a few loud,high pitched moans.
"Finally..."I whispered to myself.
A few more minutes of heavy breathing were all I heard before silence ruled over the apartment again.
Then suddenly,somebody closed a door in the corridor and a pair of feet walked over the creaking wood. I silently turned around,pretending to be asleep.
I knew it was Andrew by the way he walked,I had learned to distinguish everyone's footsteps since I moved in with the guys.
He poured himself a glass of water before he started walking towards...
"What the actual fuck?!" he breathed in surprise as he sat on me,quickly jumping back up at his feet as he realised someone was on the couch.
"Watch it,Don Juan!" I said through a laugh as my eyes landed on his naked torzo.
"You...you've...for how long have you actually..." he fumbled around with his words,his hands tightening the nod on the towel around his waist.
"Enough to hear all of it." I fought the urge to look at the still visible bulge he was trying to hide with his hands.
"Damn you,little mouse." he said through a laugh before nestling on the couch next to me,pulling the blanket over himself.
We sat like that for a while,both embarassed and puzzled.
"I wished it was you,you know? I couldn't even pronounce her name,because I couldn't stop wishing it was you." he said in a low voice,almost as if admitting a crime.
I sat in silence,trying to figure myself out as I stared at the space infront of me. I flinched as his palm took mine into his,holding it gently without a clear purpose. I knew he didn't expect me to answer his statement anyway.
"Chris and I are moving out." I said.
"Because of me?" he quickly asked.
"No you stupid. I want you in my life,and running away from you is certainly not a way to keep you in it." I said through a laugh.
A short silence followed,before his strength knocked the air out of my lungs as he pulled me in between his arms.
My face against the warmth of his skin and my palms running against his back in circular motions,I wondered whether all of this wasn't my fault in the first place.
"What am I supposed to do now?" he whispered,his lips against the top of my head.
"Go back to bed and lay beside your woman." I explained,well aware he was going to protest.
" Do you love me,Chloe?" he asked,the tone of his voice a seriousness that was unknown to me.
This might've been the only time that I heard him address me in such a manner,directly and without a silly nickname he'd thought of a second before.
"There are many types of love..." I beat around the bush.
" That doesn't answer my question." he simply added. I knew I wouldn't be able to get away with that anyway.
"Fair enough. Well yes,of course I do." I said,the fact that I loved him as a friend seeming needless to mention.
"Then kiss me." he said,his hands on my shoulders as he broke our embrace.
I sat before him as Andrew's palms cupped my face. This time,if it happened,it would be out of my own choice and I couldn't allow it.
"You know I can't do that. Besides,your girlfriend is only a wall apart. Where's your dignity man...?!" I said,hoping that would make him reason.
"I don't care. You know my heart belongs to you." he quickly answered.
"And you know my heart belongs to Chris." I said in a sharp tone before getting up from the couch and walking to the kitchen.
"Wait." he exclaimed as he followed me,his hand gripping my arm as he pushed me against the kitchen counter.
Before I knew it,he held my hands against the wooden surface of the cupboard and his lips locked mine.
"Just let me do this Chloe...just for a moment,and I promise I will never try it again." he breathed,his lips merely an inch from mine.
" What's the point when you know it will always be him that I'll choose..." I hissed at him. I was stuck in this way deeper than I'd wanted to.
The truth is,he always had the ability to make me feel like I had no choice against him. Unfortunately for me,he knew it. So he kissed me again before his hands pulled me closer against him by holding onto my hips,passionate and slow as the vibrations of a deep moan travelled from his throat to my mouth.
My breathing went from heavy to heavier as he arched against me and I tried to mingle out of his embrace,afraid I would give in to his touches if I didn't break free soon enough.
However,his lips suddenly parted from mine as he playfully kissed the tip of my nose.
"I love you pumpkin...and you make me the happiest piece of shit alive,you know that." he said,a smile adorning his features. He was so beautiful when he smiled.
"Which is why I know I have to let you go." he continued,simply walking away as if none of this had happened.
I was left in the dark,my emotions wild and my thoughts rushing a million miles per hour as I struggled not to cry.
All that we were, it crumbled into the darkness of what would become our past.
***
My eyes scanned through the crowded pub,none of the many faces revealing the features I longed to see.I swayed through the crowd as my ears focused onto the music playing in the background,shoulders brushing against strangers as I walked.
I reached the other side of the pub when my eyes finally spotted a mess of dark curls sitting behind the table in the corner of the large room.I crossed the dancefloor in a few long steps,Chris' eyes catching the glimpse of my small frame before I even reached their table.
I glanced at the table.
By the amount of empty beer bottles in front of him and the way his eyes sparkled under the dim lights of the pub,I assumed they'd been here a while now...and that he was drunker than it might've seemed.
"I was starting to fear somebody had kidnapped you or something." he said as his right arm stretched towards me,the rest of the group greeting me with loud cheers.
"Yeah,my nap turned into proper sleeping. " I said as I sat down beside him,Chris' arm framing my shoulders.
His lips immediately found their way to my temples,a quick kiss catching me off guard.
"It's a good thing you're here,this one over here was going crazy." Kim said through a laugh,pointing over at Chris whose attention was on me.
"Actually,that might be true..." Chris laughed as he popped a bottle opened before handing it to me.
I took a swing from the dark glass bottle,the cold liquid leaving a bitter taste on my tongue as I suddenly felt Chris' hand on my upper thigh.
It suddenly became clear to me that I would be needing more than one beer to tell him what had happened whilst he was here,as I feared his reaction might be everything but calm this time.
However,he needed to know as I was a strong believer in sincerity being the key to a healthy heart.