Riven-
The day we'd all been dreading had finally arrived, our last day here. The week passed by faster than expected, with therapy sessions, swimming and surfing, bonfires and eating- we weren't aware of how fast the time was passing. I still hadn't figured out how to surf, I'm starting to think I need a special prosthetic for that. But I did spend a lot of time in the water, ignoring all responsibilities that would weigh me down once I got back to campus.
Bianca's high school reunion was approaching, and she told us she had decided she would ask to deliver a speech about her experience, and what she went through. I could tell the idea of it was making her anxious, she asked for us to be there, and we all said yes, without a doubt. Secretly I'm wondering how badly this will affect Yuna, but I don't ask.
Currently Hayes had his guitar out, strumming random chords while Bianca listened. We're outside by the fire pit, the sun still high in the sky. I had to give it to Hayes, the dude was a romantic.
Yuna's lying on her stomach, bikini top undone a little bit so her back could tan. I make a joke about offering to serenade her- and as I look down, I see that her back isn't tan anymore, but is actually very pink.
"Yunes," I gently press a hand to her back, it's on fire. "Aren't tans supposed to be golden?"
"Yeah why?" She leans her head back to look at me, eyes absorbing me into them.
"You look like a lobster."
"Shit!" She looks over her shoulder and I snap a picture on my phone, showing her how red she was, causing her to jump up immediately, tying her bikini strap and darting for the house.
"Ooh, that's gonna hurt." I wince when I glance at her blood red back, She immediately ran inside the house and began raiding her bags for something.
"Can you rub this Aloe Vera gel on my burn? Maybe it'll get rid of some of it." She pulled her hair to the side, turning her back to me.
"Babe, nothing can reverse that." I chuckle, but give in, squeezing the thick gel onto my hands and rubbing it in her back. Her skin is hot against my hands, hot and soft and smooth. It's going to hurt later, I'm sure of it, she'll probably get chills tonight.
"Well...What else can we do today?" She sighed, pulling a long sundress on over her bikini, pinning her hair back, it's long, but still too short to tie back, so she uses an array of sparkly bobby pins.
I check her shoulders under the strap of her dress, they're red as well. Poor baby is going to be in so much pain tonight.
"Want to go get pizza?" She nods, and we dart for my car. This entire week we've done things as a double date and today I want it to be just about us, no one else. I drive through town, distinctly aware that this feeling of relaxation will be gone by tonight when we're packing. Then it's back to the stress of everyday life.
But for now... Now things were good.
We stop at a pizza shack and Yuna orders something called taco pizza, in between bites she asks if I've started to write anything to Marc yet, and a flicker of anger ignites in my gut. I wonder if I'll ever be able to hear his name and not want to throttle him.
I honestly don't know what to write... It's much easier to stay mad at someone than it is to forgive them. I could go on and on about how I felt abandoned and betrayed by him but couldn't think of a single word to write in a forgiveness letter. Did that make me a bad person?
What do you say to the one person you used to look up to? And what do you tell them when they up and leave you for dead? I shrugged, not saying anything, because I was at a loss for words.
My anger is always something palpable, and to fix it I needed physical motion, physical things. I can't fix a physical feeling with words. I never could. How could mere words make this churning in my gut and boiling in my veins better? What was there to say? Emotions were better to be displayed, not talked about. If I punch you, you don't need me to say "I feel angry" You know instantly. But I've learned through Yuna and Bianca and the time I've spent away from my family, that sometimes you do need to verbalize emotions. You do have to tell someone how you feel. I've learned that you can't just bottle your emotions up and go about your day and hope for the best- believe me I've tried- You always end up drunk or in a fight.
Talking about it did help- as much as I hated to admit it. The only thing is, I don't know the words to explain it, I don't understand myself!
"Well...Do you need help with what to write?" She glances up at me through thick black lashes.
"How do I be a nice person? How do I forgive someone? This is all new to me." I run both of my hands over my face, groaning.
Yuna cocked her head to the side and set a cool hand on my bicep, squeezing it gently, "You are a nice person, you want to forgive Marc. Forgiving isn't supposed to be easy, if it was everyone would forgive everyone and there would be no grudges or fights or drama."
"What if I can't forgive him?"
"It's okay...I haven't forgiven Austin." She lets out a weak chuckle and I glance to her, she was shaking her head, "I've tried to forgive him, and For a while I think I have, then I'll be reminded of something he did and the urge to vomit arises, I get mad and want to scream...So I don't think I've even forgiven him."
"That's different...He physically hurt you." I defend, crossing my arms.
"What hurts more is the mental aspect, you were hurt mentally too Riven, don't underestimate the power of just verbal abuse or neglect...It hurts just as bad as physical."
"How is it that you understand me better than I understand myself?" I raise an eyebrow.
"I don't know...I think you just worry too much and stress yourself out further."
I kept looking at her with a quizzical expression, hoping she'd elaborate further- and since she knew me so well by now, she did.
"You have a thought or feeling, then you convince yourself it's not normal or it's bad or you need to forget it, so you push it aside, convince yourself to not feel or think that way...I think you just need to allow yourself to feel whatever it is that's bothering you."
"So you're telling me to allow myself to feel mental pain worse than anything I've ever felt?
I let a hoarse chuckle escape, I'd been running away from pain all these years, now I have to let it all in. 21 years' worth of pain. Geez that might kill me.
"If it allows you to truly heal? Isn't a little bit of pain worth it?"
I nodded, not speaking because once again-me being my prideful asshole self- I couldn't admit that she was right and I knew nothing on this subject, just nodded to show I understood. Who would I be if I let all the emotion in? Wouldn't the pain overtake me? Would I still be me?
We ate and drove home in silence, when a thought dinged in that thick skull of mine.
"You know those rooms you can rent and break things and smash stuff?"
"A rage room?" She answered as we trudged into the empty house, the others still outside.
"I'm starting to think a rage room is what I need."
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A/N: Have you ever used or rented a rage room? Did it help?
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A/N: So, I didn't include Bianca's whole speech in the last chapter, the reason behind it is since this book focuses more on Hunter and Sofia. Hayes' and Bianca's book will explain it all, including any details not mentioned in this book, just so both books have some surprises :).