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MY LIDS felt heavy but I gathered all my strength to open my eyes. It was hard to move and my vision was blurry but as soon as it became a little clearer, I roamed my eyes around the whole room.
Hospital.
Again.
There's an oxygen mask on my face, an IV drop is injected in a vein on my hand, and no one is around. I suddenly remembered everything. Was it all a dream? Or was it a reality? Is that why I couldn't remember a couple of years back then? Is that... the scar on my forehead?
The door slowly opened and I saw Jiyeon coming inside, her eyes widened when she saw me. "Omo!" She quickly ran outside and when she came back, she brought a doctor with her. He gently pulled my eyelid and checked my eyes with a flashlight, "How long has she been awake?"
"I don't know, I just went outside for a call and when I came in, she's already awake." Jiyeon answered.
He checked my other eye, and slowly removed the oxygen mask on my face, "Xu Yan-ssi, do you hear me?"
I gave him a short nod.
"Can you clearly see me?" I nod again. "Does anything hurt?" I shook my head.
I honestly don't feel anything hurting, my mouth and throat just feels dry and in need of water. The doctor stepped away and checked the apparatus on my side before he faced Jiyeon, "You can let her drink water but please don't feed her anything yet, we still have to monitor her condition."
Jiyeon nodded her head, "Ne, seonsaeng-nim." She quickly went to my side with a glass of water after the doctor left, it was hard to sit so she had to pull me up. My hands were trembling as I took the glass of water, Jiyeon helped me drink it too. "How are you feeling, Xu Yan-ah?"
I finished the whole glass before answering her, "I'm quite fine."
She heaved a sigh, "Heol, that's a relief."
I watched her sit on the chair beside my bed, "How long have I been here?" I have a feeling that I've been missing out a lot in school.
Jiyeon didn't answer me and just kept on staring, I raised my eyebrows at her, "You're unconscious for almost two weeks now, Xu Yan."
What the hell? "Two weeks?!" She nodded her head. Wow, that's a lot! Those are the amount of sleep college students are dying to have, but isn't that dangerous? "I-I never woke up in that two weeks?"
She shook her head, "Never. That's why we were so worried about you."
"What did the doctor say though? What happened?"
She crossed her arms and leaned against her chair, "Rohee found you that morning, she saw how you kept screaming and eventually fell unconscious. The school called the ambulance and we brought you here. The doctor doesn't discuss anything to us because he said he's already explained it to your parents."
The last thing I remember before I blacked out was that headache I couldn't handle. And my parents? Do they even have time to listen to the doctor?
That afternoon the doctor came back and announced that I'm now allowed to eat soft food but before he can leave, I asked him to stay and told Jiyeon to leave us alone for a while.
"Is there anything you want to ask, Xu Yan-ssi?" He was warmly smiling at me.
I licked my lower lip, hesitant of asking but still continued, "I-I had a long dream while I was asleep and that dream feels so real. It was somehow detailed and I just can't ignore that. Can you tell me what is happening? Are those delusions?"
The doctor took long enough to answer, "You were involved in a car accident six years ago, your parents brought you here to start anew. You suffered from selective amnesia wherein you forget some memories. For some people, they forget those that happened before the accident. Unfortunately that's what happened to you, Xu Yan-ssi. In Psychology, it could be what we call repression, you repressed all those that happened in the accident, and everything that is connected to it, as a defense mechanism."
My mouth hanged open. Car accident? Mom said it was hit and run? Is she lying again? And selective amnesia? Repression? What the hell is happening?
"And the dream you're talking about could be your memories. Some people can remember theirs, some people can't. You're lucky that you can, although it took you sixe years to remember."
My memories? Zian? Zhang Yixing?
I stared at my arms, goosebumps. This is creepy, and weird. And impossible. How—How can I be involve with EXO's Lay before? Is this some kind of a sick joke? Because it's not funny! "How sure are you that those are memories and not delusions?" I asked.
The doctor stepped closer and squeezed my hand, "I don't know about that, Xu Yan-ssi. But I am sure the people around you like your family or those in your dream can prove you that. For now, you should rest so you can leave tomorrow if you're all clear."
I thanked him before he left, Roheen and Songyeon came during the afternoon and brought food for me. But those words that came from the doctor are stuck inside my mind. Those are my memories? If they are... why didn't Yixing tell me anything?
And... we have a son!
"We're on the same age but why do you call me 'oppa'?"
"Xu Yan!"
"I missed you."
"If I tell you everything... would you believe me?"
"Call me Yixing."
"You're Chinese, right?"
"I trust you and I know you won't hurt me."
I said, "You're right, I'll even protect you for sure."
"I know you will."
"Still chocolate ice cream, huh?"
"Years after and it's still chocolate ice cream over me."
"Your hands are one with the piano until now."
When he wanted stay over the night... my face heated up, I looked away, "You can't, I want to stay virgin until I get married."
He held my chin and made me look at him, "Really, huh?" A smirk was visible in his face.
He was smirking because he knew I was no longer a virgin! Because I was his girlfriend before and we have a son!
My hand flew to my mouth as I started sobbing. I have a son! Zhang Zian! And it's been six years since I last saw him, I wasn't there when he needed me. I couldn't teach him how to walk or hear his first word!
Songyeon came to me and caressed my back, "Why are you crying, Xu Yan-ah?"
I covered my face with my palms and cried harder. I failed him, I failed my son. He grew up without me and that hurts so much, I didn't even know he was existing all this time—Wait, he's in the car with us! Is he even alive? Oh my gosh, I don't know what will happen to me if something happened to him! I need to talk to Yixing! I need to see him as soon as possible!
THE DOCTOR made me stay for a couple of days before finally discharging me, he wanted to make sure that it is safe for me to go out of the hospital. Fortunately, there was nothing wrong with my CT scans and my MRIs. It is alright for me to go home and rest for a bit before returning to my usual routines.
The girls are with me the whole time, they take turns in the hospital so the moment I was discharged, I took them to Subway for some snacks.
Silence welcomed me as I opened my house, my friends came here occasionally to get some of my clothes. I quickly charged my phone when I got inside and while waiting for it to be fully charged, I packed my clothes into my luggages.
I need to talk to Zhang Yixing.
I need to know what happened.
I need to hear his explanations why he never said anything all this time! Is that why he talked to me in the first place? Because he knew me right from the start! I zipped my luggage close when I think I got everything I have before checking my phone again.
Zhang Yixing sure left lots of messages. He must've been worried but well, he lied to me still!
The last message was sent the other day. He must be busy with schedules that he forgot to send me texts again. I was about to type him a message when another popped in.
I bit my lip and typed back.
I cleaned the house after sending my message and prepared dinner for us. Since Yixing is flying back to China, I'll be going with him. I want to know everything, he needs to explain a lot of things and Zian... I want to see whatever I can see from him. If he's alive... or not.
There's this hole inside my chest that I can't seem to fill up whenever I think of never seeing him again. Zian will be seven years old this December and I never celebrated it with him, I vow to spend it with him from now on until the day I die.
I grabbed a quick shower while waiting for Zhang Yixing. By 11 PM, someone knocked on my door and I knew it was him.
Tears formed in my eyes at the sight of him. Was he really... my Zhang Yixing? Did he love me that much? I couldn't help but change the way I looked at him, everything has changed in a span of few days. Because I knew something now that I didn't before.
He was mine. He was mine.
But instead of welcoming him with a hug, I slapped him hard. His head flew on the side. Biting my lip, I called his name, "Zhang Yixing!"
He slowly looked at me, an unknown emotion in his eyes.
Shaking, I asked him, "W-Where is Zian? Where is m-my son?"
His eyes grew wider at the mention of our son but he didn't speak, he just pulled me into a tight hug. I cried harder on his chest, repeatedly asking him where our son was. I wanted to pull away but he didn't let me, "Where is Zian, Yixing?! Tell me!" I resisted until I got tired. Why can't he tell me where Zian is?!
He brought me to the couch without breaking the hug, his was face on my neck and I stiffened when I felt my something warm on my neck. I slowly pulled away and saw Yixing crying. "Why?" I wiped my tears away from my face.
He shook his head, smiling but there are still tears falling from his eyes, "I'm just happy." He cupped my face with both his hands, "Zian is safe, he's in China."
Tian na, tears fell again in relief. I'm so glad that our son is safe. As long as he's safe and Yixing too, then I'm okay. "Why didn't you tell me? You had all those times with me! We were together almost every week! Why didn't you tell me anything? Why did you lie to me, Yixing?"
"I was scared," he bit his lip, trying to suppress the sobs in his mouth. "You've always been hysterical at the sight of me and will eventually have seizures so the doctors prevented me from seeing you and the next thing I know, your family took you away. From me. And Zian."
I held my breath, my family again. Why do they always interfere with my life? They took me away from my son! Why do they hurt me so much?! I lowered my head, ashamed of my family. "Why did it take you this long to find me?" My voice was hoarse from all the crying ever since I woke up in the hospital.
He pulled me closer to him, "I found you already, you're the reason why I'm part of EXO."
I sniffed, burying my face on the crook of his neck, "Tell me more about it."
"We found out that you were brought to Korea by your parents, I took the chance of auditioning in SM when I was scouted while searching for you. I was training until dawn while I'm busy finding you in the morning. Then I saw you walking into your music school.
"It took my six years because I'm afraid that you'll be having seizures again by seeing me that's why I approached you slowly that night in the convenience store and was surprised that you were alright being close to me."
I can't help but feel even more guilty. He went through so much because of me. Yixing wiped the tears on my cheeks, "Baby, are you really my Xu Yan again?"
I nodded my head despite the tears, "As long as you buy me chocolate ice cream."
We both chuckled at what I said, he nodded his head, "Of course, you can't be Xu Yan without it."
"I want to go to China and see Zian." I stated, there's nothing else that could stop me from seeing my son. Missing him for six years are already enough, I guess I deserve to meet him as soon as I can.
Yixing rolled his tongue over his lower lip, "Yeah, sure. I'll book your flight and take you to him tomorrow."
Tian na, I can't wait to meet my baby! I wonder how big he's grown already! And if he knows me or at least my name.