8. Black-Out -
Hush little baby don't say a word. Mama never gave you permission to speak.
And if you don't listen to me. Mama's gonna carve out your little tongue.
And if you can speak after that. Mama's gonna make sure you can't talk back.
So don't you dare complain to me. Mama's had enough of your misery.
Now go off and leave me alone. Mama's gonna go kill the whole damn world.
I haven't taken my medication in over a week. The voices have returned, they are growing stronger as I grow weaker. I will not survive here long, not in this condition. My body is strong but my muscles are frail. My strength is intimidating but my brain is pudding. These voices will rip me apart from the inside and then out, I do not know how long I can fight. I have never known struggle until now.
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"Bella...wake up. Bella, c'mon don't you do this to me, wake up."
"I hope she dies."
"I hope you rot in a hole so far down in the pits of Hell that not even Satan himself would go to see your pathetic little face, I'm glad I choked you but I'm sad I didn't kill you."
"I'z think she be wakin', hush now. Bella sweetie, can you wake up fo' me please..?"
"Well.. is she dead? Is the witch, oh sorry, is the girl dead..?"
"Margaret, I need you to stand back a couple of feet because I am not in the mood for iso and you and Leona are about to send me there for the rest of my life."
The voices are colliding with themselves, and I'm trapped. I'm trapped in this nightmare that I cannot awake from. I am aware of my consciousness yet I am still unconscious. I try to open my eyes but the voices tell me no. They are beginning to control me rather than me controlling them. These voices control parts of my body, limb from limb. I am becoming nothing without them, they are the cause of my relapse and yet again the cause for my dysfunctional body. I have become the drug addict who can never get away from their addiction. I am the drug dealer who uses their own supply. I am becoming my old self, and the sight of isolation is looking pretty good as of now.
"Back up.." Bellatrix stood onto her feet, almost collapsing right then and there. Jax quickly caught her by the waist, pulling a bit closer than expect. She stumbles back into him, his body pressed onto her own as his lips are next to her ear. The voices starting shouting "kiss him, do it kiss him. It's not like you don't want to, I'm sure you want to do more to him don't you? You share your mind with us, we know your deepest secrets, you are not safe." Quickly Bellatrix pushed him off of her, and for the first time she had rejected his affection on the protection of her own self, not him.
"Something wrong..? You seem a bit t-."
"I'm fine, perfectly fine. I'm peachy, grand, happy, lovely, glad to be alive, all of the above." She walks out the room into the recreational hall, her old attitude slowly coming back. The same attitude that got her sent here in the first place was now taking its position in her mind and forming the old Bellatrix, the Bellatrix that was a female serial killer too mentally deranged to be put in front of a jury. They all sat around her, Jax closest to her.
"Your eyes look more like an ivory green when you're angry.." Jax knew something was wrong, and he knew there was nothing he could do about it. He motioned for everyone to back up a bit or even leave, but there wasn't enough time.
"I'm not angry, I'm off meds." On queue, Bellatrix slid over the table and landed on top of Margaret. The chair flipped back and Margaret hit the floor. She dragged Margaret by the hair, pulling her blonde locks viciously through the halls. Only a matter of time before guards would get to her she darted, dragging Margaret behind her. Jax ran after her, trying to stop it from getting worse but no one can stop a tornado once it touches the ground.
"Bellatrix we can discuss this, don't do this. You're not in your right mind." Jax walked slowly as she rushed into the girls bathroom, slamming Margaret into the tiled walls.
"Jax, oh sweetie if you only knew, I'm never in my right mind. It is an image I put up to show you. I fool people into thinking I am stable but once I am off my medication, nothing about me stable. I am a wave of emotion waiting for the storm. Once the waves clash, anyone on the boat drowns. I'd prefer if you got off the boat first."
"I'm not going to, I'm staying on the boat when everyone leaves. When all the people have drowned I will be the last one alive because I'm not leaving this boat, not this one. A captain always goes down with his ship."
"You are not the captain, you are just simply a private. A sailor, not a captain. The captain is buried deep within your mind, because he left mine."
Through all the talking, the guards had followed the path of noise. Jax was in the bathroom by now, trying to calm Bellatrix down. The guards were outside, waiting for her to walk out.
"Patient 1-0-5-8-3, come out the bathroom nice and slow."
"Is that all I am to you, a number? What are you doing, giving birth to me? What do you mean nice and slow, because frankly I do not believe in kindness. Kindness is a weakness, it is how your heart gets broken and your life gets shattered. Kindness is what I have had for MUCH too long, and that time is over." Bellatrix looked to the bathroom door, waiting for the guards to walk inside. About three nurses walked into the bathroom, trying to calm her down. Margaret on the other hand was a bit of a provoker.
"If she wants to kill me let her try. She may die trying but hell at least she tried."
Bellatrix tossed her onto the floor violently, slamming her head onto the tiled walling of the female bathroom of the sanatorium. The tiling along the wall chipped where her head hit, it being a harsh impact.
"I dare you to lay a finger on me. I want you to, I really do." Bellatrix allowed for Margaret to stand to her feet, her head bleeding a bit at this given time. By this time, a majority of the patients were looking into the bathroom, trying to watch the altercation.
Margaret stood onto her feet and tackled Bellatrix.
"I had him first and you stole him from me! You evil bitch, he will forever belong to me!" Margaret shouted in full rage, slapping Bellatrix across the face. Bellatrix rolled, ending up on top of Margaret's body.
"He never wanted you which you failed to realize. And I may be an evil bitch but I least I know when to let my boyfriends free."
"From what I've heard, you let your boyfriends die instead."
Then it was silence in the room. No more words were shared, no more shouting. Bellatrix stood up from Margaret, her face had gone pale as her velvet black hair laid against her face. Jax stepped in between the two girls, and it was clear by the look of worrisome on his face that he worried for Margaret.
"Margaret...you may have just planned your whole funeral with that one line." Jax was holding Bellatrix back, keeping her from getting to Margaret. Bellatrix started to shift from conscious of her surroundings to not being aware of what is going on. The first time that happened she was told she brutally beat a cop into a coma, and the second time she killed a nurse as well as a guard. Jax tried his best to keep her self-conscious to her surroundings but once the drift started there was no coming back until what needed to be done, was done.
You know what must be done. You must eliminate the enemy. She is the enemy, and so is he. He is protecting her, when he should be protecting you. Now what will you do, let him free because you love him? Do you even know what love is, you don't even know to take your medication let alone fall in love with someone who clearly isn't good enough to have you. Kill them both, but save the boy for later. I want to see his blood rush like rivers through Hell so I can paint the hallways with him. They will know, who you are before this day is over. You are Bellatrix, the one and only.
The blackout soon began. In order to understand what this means, turn out all the lights in your room. Close the door and sit in dead silence. Now grab any pair of headphones you have and put on the noise your tv makes when it has no signal. That little white noise in all that darkness, is all you know. Nothing else is real anymore, it is just a figment of your imagination now and once it starts it does not stop until you succeed in removing what caused the white noise to begin.
Oh my dear child, you make me so proud. After all this time, wasted years of teaching you to be a woman, I can finally call you my daughter.
And now you wake up, you're back in society. The darkness is now a figment of your imagination and everything you once thought was real was just simply a horrid nightmare. Except for Bellatrix, the nightmare was after the blackout. Her hands were covered in blood and Margaret laid on the floor with her neck snapped and her jaw broken. Her nose was bleeding and lip busted as well as her eyes gauged out from her head. Her eyeballs laid next to her body, squished and crushed into nothingness. Jax laid on the floor, holding his nose which was also bleeding, staring at her in disbelief of what she had just done in what seemed like days, but was just simply minutes. The guards rushed up to her as quickly as she came back, dragging her out by her arms to the isolation chambers. She could hear Jax screaming "let her go" but it was no use. Following after his scream was silence, a dead silence. Then a herd of screams, following behind like a baby cub to its mother. If she was going to isolation, apparently Jax was too.
After she had been thrown in isolation, the chamber next to her's was being occupied. She knew who it was, and luckily it was the chamber that had the hole in the corner. The guards slammed the door, wallking off down the hall.
"Why didn't you tell me I had a crazy girlfriend..?"
"Answer my question first and I'll tell you an answer."
"Alright, what is it?"
"What did you do you end up in here..? I was kind of being dragged away so I didn' t know."
"I purposely changed..into Frank. And then attacked a guard while he had his back turned, bashed his skull a couple times on the wall. And by the way you headbutted me in the nose, that hurt."
"Sorry about that and I didn't tell you because this side of your girlfriend hasn't taken her medication so this side doesn't usually come out. And I haven't gotten that bad in years..I think it's years."
"Sure you weren't just jealous..? You said something before you killed her which makes me think that by the way."
"What..what did I say..?" Bellatrix began to fidget nervously, a bit scared of what she may have said during her black-out.
"You may have had him first but I will have him last. And then you killed her, a bit more violently than expected but I mean.."
"I don't want to talk about it. I just have these moments when I black-out and I don't remember anything I did, I don't even know I'm doing it. And you didn't tell me I had a crazy boyfriend who dresses up like women so we're pretty even now."
"Guess it's too late to dump you."
"You can try, but I'd just kill you if you did."
"Don't worry, I wouldn't. Not even if it killed me.."