Blue Eyes - (Chapters 1-5) by SplatteredInkJet
Reviewed by EPICEVANTYLER
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THE GOOD
The second paragraph in your first chapter was exquisite. Short but delicious, packed with a meaning the reader definitely wants to figure out—"That was a night of perfect mistakes, jaded eyes and broken plates."
I very much like the phrase you used—"time was thinning away." That's an uncommon phrase that gives character to your writing.
I immediately noticed that your grammar is pretty much on point. This is invaluable in writing, so many kudos to you!
I think you capture the inner thoughts of the main character with excellence. I definitely get the poor-little-rich-girl thing without it feeling overdramatic.
The first paragraph of the second chapter is quite strong. The verbs are heavy and it definitely has the entertainment factor.
Oh my word!—the second to last paragraph of the second chapter is brilliance. I actually think this second chapter is much tighter than the first. In fact, if there were a way that you could start with this chapter, I think it'd make the story far more mesmerizing from jump street. Just a thought...
"The sun had almost disappeared underneath the forest tops"—yet another example of strong writing. This is setting the scene without overdoing it.
I think most of your dialogue sounds realistic. It would help if it were maybe a little bit sharper. People rely a lot on sarcasm to achieve this, but I definitely think you can do so without it. Just focus on making the reader FEEL every bit of dialogue.
Oh, and a word on chapter sizes—as far as the Internet story medium goes, your chapter sizes are excellent. I think you thematically pull off everything you want to say in each chapter. Each one has a nice story arc that connects to the next chapter but is not completely dependent on it.
"The dark hallways had shadows that looked like tall hunchbacks with crooked fingers"—stunning imagery. You know what? It'd be even stronger if you went full drama and said, "The shadows in the dark hallways were tall hunchbacks with crooked fingers." It makes the difference between a simile and a metaphor, but metaphors can be so much stronger. You've already got great imagery; don't water it down with words like "like."
Last paragraph of the fourth chapter works so well. It's a nice mortal with a lot of flavor in tone.
From chapter five, I can definitely say that I like the way that Pacifica relates to the world around her. I love that she has a moment of missing home. It gives her heart, despite the fact that she needed to escape that world.
THE NOT SO GOOD
I'm not a big fan of the first paragraph of the first chapter. It seems somewhat cliché. I think you could start with the second paragraph and unravel were she is and what she's doing from there. That will give your story a different tone from most of this genre on Wattpad.
The third paragraph of the first chapter is a bit overdone in how you stress what a rush Pacifica is in. "Hurriedly," "racing," "quickly," "ran"—the reader gets it. Remember less is more. In that vein, you can definitely lay off of adverbs if you use strong verbs.
This takes me to the subject of overwriting. Here are a couple examples: "nodded mutely." No need to say "mutely," as nodding implies as much, unless otherwise stated. "Looked around the garden they were in." Simply "looked around the garden" works, as the reader will take for granted that they are in the garden. "Taking a sharp intake of breath." Notice the two forms of take. You could simply say, "inhaling sharply." I know these all seem small, but to make your writing tight, you'll want to leave out excess wordage. These were just a few examples in the first chapter. You'll want to search around the proceeding chapters to find other extraneous words and phrases.
Although your grammar is nearly spot-on, you'll want to be wary of how you use commas, that you are not overusing them and also that you are not using them to connect two independent clauses.
I actually like the usage of colors as a kind of theme. My only concern is that the theme is not strong enough to justify the bolding of the color words. If it is a truly strong theme, you won't need to physically do anything to the words to make it stand out. Think about how you can thematically play with the colors in a way that is obvious yet subtle, without having to bold them in a way that says, "Hey, Reader, look at what I'm trying to show you."
In the third chapter, there is a paragraph of description with a line, "his luminescent-like skin"—the descriptions here sound non-committal to me. For example, his eyes are "almost black." And as I stated the skin is luminescent-like, instead of simply luminescent. I think the writing would be stronger if the adjectives are strong and exact and that you trust that the reader will get it. You have an excellent way of building images in the mind so definitely go with it one hundred percent.
Perhaps too many of the paragraphs in the beginning of the fourth chapter were devoted to describing motions that weren't necessarily significant. You may want to whittle that down a bit.
THE FINAL VERDICT
You've got style. Upon finishing the fifth chapter, that was my first thought. It's not often that you find style and flavor in a writer, and I think you are achieving that well. I'm not sure that I've read enough of the story to comment on the actual plot itself. I think you've spent a good amount of time building the world of your characters in a flavorful way, while still creeping the plot forward. I'm sure the chapters to come will unravel with a good amount of suspense. I'm happy that you're taking the time to build this world even though this is fanfiction. I'm not familiar with the original, so this makes a world of difference to me.
I would love to read an original work from you, as I can tell from your cover art, that you've got an interesting brain.
My one major critique is something I've mentioned throughout. You've got incredible imagery that would be even better if you committed to making it dramatic. You seem to have drama in the very lines of your writing, and I think your personality jumps off the page. It will give you a voice that sounds louder than others when you commit fully to it. You're the real thing!
So, the question is, would I continue to read? Yes indeed. From phrases alone, I am inspired. All of that to say, great job and keep at it!