Chapter 22- Two Steps, Twice
Flashback:
"I'm seriously worried about him Mad, he's hardly ever home and when he is he's quiet, just not like himself" Mel frowned, the skin wrinkling in her tanned forehead. She had gone to Paris last week with Linda and had come back bright eyed and bubbly, telling me about it nonstop. Where they'd been, how good the food was, how annoying the other tourists were... Etcetera etcetera.
It had been a relief that Mel had been away for a week, she was too perceptive when I was upset. She would have immediately recognised my red rimmed eyes and dead, blank stare. I felt like an idiot for crying over him, but I couldn't help it- I missed him. I was around him all the time, but that side of him was closed off to me. Leave it to me to fall someone utterly and completely unavailable.
"I know: I've noticed it too. Have you asked him about it?" I asked gently and I can tell by the way her face falls slightly that she already has.
"I have, but he's being all evasive and shifty. I wish it was down to a girl, but everybody knows Greg doesn't do girlfriends" she pondered thoughtfully and a shard of ice pierced through me.
"I know it's something serious, but he normally tells me things." She said sadly.
I was worried too, I didn't have to speak to him to notice the change she was talking about. He smiled less, looking more tired and drawn every time I saw him. I wished I knew what the problem was. Though it wasn't like we were even on speaking terms.
He would give me a polite greeting if I was around Mel's, but that was as far as it went. I had hopes that eventually, we might get back to how we were before. The not-quite-friends teasing sort of relationship, but it was worse than before. He didn't look joke or tease with me anymore.
At school, we would walk past each other like strangers. Everyday I would walk past the place we used to meet and it was like a fist was squeezing my heart, twisting and pulling relentlessly. I needed to move on, meet someone else, like he had done so quickly. I tried to tell myself it didn't matter, that if he didn't care then I wouldn't either. But no matter how many times I repeated it to myself when a new girl was on Greg's arm, I never for a moment believed it.
I tried hard at school to pretend I was fine, but it was difficult when I kept coming face to face with him wherever I went. I had started walking to lesson much faster than I used to, just in case I ran into him. I turned a corner and was dismayed to see the familiar wavy copper haired boy in the distance. I swear the universe hates me.
I swallowed and exhaled deeply to compose myself. I could do this. I continued walking, determinedly not looking towards him as our paths were about to cross.
"Hey" I smiled at him as he walked by. Greg's eyes narrowed slightly and he just nodded. I closed my eyes as I kept on walking, running a hand through the crazed mane that was my hair. Great, I couldn't even manage to look good when he ignored me.
I watched his silhouette fade into the distance, wondering if he would glance back. Basically, I was looking for a sign that he cared, even a little. He didn't look back and not for the first time did I wonder, why him? My heart has never given itself to any previous guys, to the nicer ones. Greg was selfish, impulsive and everlastingly overconfident, but the problem was: I loved those flawed parts of him more than how funny he was, how perpetually loyal and ultimately good hearted he was. It was those parts that made him like everyone else, that made him human.
When I realised this I knew I was in some serious trouble because not for one minute of the lifetime I had known him would I ever had said, that I wouldn't change him if you payed me.
..............................................
Again I spotted him in the distance, looking as if he would have changed paths if he could, again I smiled at him, determine to be friendly.
With a extreme sense of déjà vu he just nodded, deep inside me something flared at his response. It was a fiery, irrational creature that made me blurt out:
"Is this how it's going to be now Greg?" I asked. He wheeled around to look at me, expression detached and emotionless.
"This was how we were before, isn't this what you wanted?" He replied coldly.
"We were never this Greg" I replied softly, trying to sound as remote as he was.
"Whatever Maddy" He scoffed. He didn't call me Lin, that was all my mind took from that sentence. He was no longer singling me out, but calling me what everyone else did. It cut deeper into the scar tissue that represented my heart.
"Is this how you treat your friends Gregory?" I challenged as he went to walk away. I don't know what made me say it, but as soon as I said it I felt foolish.
"No, but that's because we're not friends Maddy" He shrugged. I swallowed and looked away from him. Even one look at his eyes was like pouring salt over an open wound. Something flashed across his face as he realised what he had done to me, but he said nothing. I know I'm close to crying so I walk away before he can even think about moving.
My throat is thick as I gulp repeatedly, attempting in vain to make the tears go away. I had known all along that Greg was capable of such hurtful words: I knew his reputation, even knew some of the girls who he had messed around with. I had just never anticipated them to be directed at me.
The constant, everlasting thorn in my side was that this conversation was the last I had with Greg before he disappeared.
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It was about a week following that conversation. I remember that morning so vividly, I could still recall the faint pitter patter of the rain outside as I dragged myself out of the bed. I looked out of the window, seeing the great puddles of rain murky and dark in the morning light, a remnant of a horrific thunderstorm the night before.
I had been tossing and turning all night long, kept awake by endless hammering of rainwater on the roof. It had been a dark night. Cold and cruel. Like God had vented his anger through thunder and lightning.
The second I walked downstairs I sensed something was wrong. Mel was stood in the kitchen, arms wrapped around herself so tightly it was like she was holding herself together.
"Mel, what's wrong?" I asked instantly, walking towards her. She stared at me, eyes looking straight through me.
"Greg didn't come home last night" she answered, staring at the floor fixedly. Greg always let them know if he wasn't coming home, no matter what- he always found a way to get a message to them so Linda wouldn't worry. Even if he had lost his phone or got drunk: he would have got in contact by now. My body went rigid:
"What do you mean?" I whispered.
"He isn't answering his phone. No one knows where he is" She said the words like she had tasted something unpleasant.
"I'm scared Maddy" she whispered, entwining her hand with mine. Her fingers held none of their usual warmth, like the sun had gone out of her. Her fear was contagious, it gripped me full force as I squeezed her hand.
"So am I Mel, so am I" I replied in a shaky voice.
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Present:
"Hey" Dean walked into the kitchen looking considerably chirpier than the last time I'd seen him.
"Hey" I smiled and the smile is almost genuine. I want him and Lily to get together, to be happy. I had just gotten a little too used to having Dean all to myself.
"Did you have fun?" I asked suggestively.
"Yes, we really did Mad, I actually think she might like me too" He grinned, looking like a lovesick puppy.
"Of course she does Dean" I rolled my eyes. I pinched his cheeks and made a cooing face at him.
"Awww, Dean is in love" I said childishly.
"Get off" He pushed my hands off his face grinning.
"What have you been doing?" He asked worriedly, his forehead wrinkling, probably concerned he had left me alone after all that had happened this week.
"I had a argument with Tom on the bus" I replied quietly, turning my back on him.
"What about?" He asked gently.
"I asked him if it was his fault" I answered numbly.
"And he said?" Dean prompted.
"He didn't need to say anything: it was written all over his face" I muttered.
"He said I didn't understand, but he was just trying to protect me" I murmured, frowning.
"Maybe he is." Dean said thoughtfully, walking over to me. I rested my elbows on the counter, sighing. Dean rubbed circles into my back soothingly.
"I can't think about that right now Dean" I muttered.
"Ok, we won't talk about it" Dean relented. "What happened at school today?" He asked. So I filled him in on the dramatic days events, enjoying his looks of surprise and astonishment.
"Fucking hell! He didn't! I can't believe he actually told her" He cried, happiness lighting up his face.
"I should probably apologise to him tomorrow" Dean said nonchalantly. I groaned in understanding:
"Oh God, the filter wasn't in place was it?" I teased. Dean was well known for being unfailingly blunt, he didn't really have a filter when it came to difficult conversations. I could almost picture how brutally honest he must have been.
"You could say that" Dean said vaguely.
"What did you say to him?" I demanded. He grimaced.
"That he hadn't been paying attention to anyone but himself and that he was going to lose Mel if he didn't grow a pair" Dean shrugged, smiling without remorse.
"Dean! Please tell me you didn't" I exclaimed, caught between laughter and indignation.
"Can't do that Mad. It worked didn't it?" Dean smiled. I chuckled.
"You really are something else Dean Johnson" I replied, laughter still in my voice.
"One of a kind" Dean winked.
"Undoubtedly" I smiled.
We curled up on the sofa and watched a film. It was dark by the time Mum and Dad got home and joined us in the living room.
"Hey kids" Mum smiled as she came into the room. Over the last week she had completely accepted Dean into our dynamic, making sure he was happy and comfortable, always asking if he was OK. Dean appreciated it: I could tell. His mum was by no means unaffectionate, but she just wasn't here and nothing made me more thankful for her constant presence in my life.
"How was your day?" Dad asked through a mouthful of food.
"Fine, pretty uneventful" I replied, glancing at Dean, whose mouth twitched as he fought a smile.
"Not seen anymore of that boy then?" Dad fished, smiling mischievously. Mum elbowed him with a smile on her face, whispering something to him. He chuckled at whatever she said, and I rolled my eyes at the two of them.
"I don't know who you mean" I replied obstinately. Dean snorted.
"Yeah right, everyone here knows who we're talking about" Dean scoffed and I glared at him.
"I thought you were meant to be on my side?" I accused him. Dean smiled sweetly at me and made no reply. I sighed heavily.
"Fine, no Dad I haven't, we actually had an argument earlier" I muttered, running a hand over my face tiredly. Mum frowned at that, leaning forward slightly in interest. Suddenly it became apparent how little I'd talk to them over the last couple of weeks. What a terrible daughter I was.
"He hasn't cheated on you has he? That's the problem with really handsome boys Maddy" Mum said. My mouth fell open.
"What? No! We're not even together mum. It's not anything like that" I spluttered whilst Dean fell about laughing at my expression.
"Oh OK, well I'm sure you two can figure it out" Mum went on, unabashed.
"I'm sure we will" I offered in a neutral tone, though I didn't believe it in the slightest. Mum, however looked convinced and didn't push any further. I stifled a yawn.
"Is it time for bed Maddy-kins?" Dean said in a playful voice. I glared at him through fatigue filled eyes, the day really had taken lot out of me.
"Yes please" I shot him a small smile. Dean looked at me carefully, in a way I had come to associate with deep thought. I could feel his pity rolling off him in sympathy for me, and I hated it. Was I really that bad? I thought I did reasonably well with my lot, acting like everyone else at least.
I heaved up myself from the chair and padded across the room.
"Night Mum" I kissed her cheek softly."Night Dad" He ruffled my hair affectionately and kissed me on the side of my face. Dean hovered on the threshold, uncertain. Mum got up and pulled him into a bone- breaking hug. Me and Dad chuckled softly at her behaviour. Dean returned the hug slowly, slightly shell shocked.
"Night Mrs R" He smiled, pulling away. He looked slightly dazed, but pleased all the same. Dad laughed loudly at his expression:
"Don't worry mate, you'll get used to her" He joked and Mum pushed him half-heartedly, no real heart behind it.
Once we were curled up in bed, Dean whispered to me on the edge of sleep:
"Thanks for letting me stay here Maddy, you're lucky you know" I glanced at him in surprise, guessing what was on his mind.
"I know I am. You're always welcome Dean, you know that" I whispered and the bright flash of white from his answering smile was the last thing I saw before I drifted off to sleep.
...................................................
"Hey guys" I greeted as I sat down. I smiled as I took in the scene: the rift in the group had healed. Joe and Ana sat on one side, Dom and Mel in the centre, arms wrapped around each other's waist and shoulders. Dean and Lily sat on the end chatting happily about nothing in particular.I felt like I was moving two steps at a time, I didn't register it until it had happened, but once I did I saw the person I had left behind. The old Maddy was afraid and selfish, and it was with pride I realised I wasn't that person anymore.
"Any plans this weekend?" I asked collectively, looking around at them all, smiling.
"There's a party at Ben's on Friday" Dom suggested, smiling. He looked down at Mel for her reaction. She smiled slightly and I could tell she wasn't completely convinced.
"We all remember how the last party turned out" Dean interjected. He faked a cough and whispered: "Maddy". I glared at him.
"Shut up Dean" I warned, and he replied with his cheekiest grin. Lily, who had previously been frowning now fought a smile.
"Yeah shut up Dean" Dom grinned, and I smiled at him.
"Thank God you're back Dom. Imagine having to reason with this one on your own" I teased.
"Yeah Dom. I don't think I could take another second of her" Dean said. I scowled and flicked him on the forehead.
"Oh we all know I'm the best one here" I said, raising my hands in feigned over confidence. They all laughed.
"Yeah, keep telling yourself that" Mel rolled her eyes. Dom glanced at her and I knew I didn't mistake the flash of happiness in his eyes as he saw her enjoying herself.
"Oh, I will Mel" I quipped, smiling.
I loved how easy it was for us to fall back into the usual banter, to feel completely at ease with each other again. It couldn't go completely back to normal, all decisions have consequences, but the main result of my decision was Tom. No matter how hard I'd tried: I couldn't deny I cared about him and I had let him in, against every instinct in my body.
I got my friends back, and all that came with it, but I had lost a friend in the process. The reasons were different, but the facts remained the same. I wish I could talk to someone, I needed a different perspective. Dean and Ana were great, but they had their own problems: I was tired of burdening them with mine.
Somewhere in the depths of my psyche, the answer formulated itself. There was only one person who I could speak to and I think I knew exactly where to find them.
.......................................
The cafe was sedate, almost empty. I sat in the corner, biting my nails nervously. It had seemed a logical thought process at the time, but the longer I sat here waiting for her to get here,the more foolish it seemed.
"Maddy?" Jenkins' said. I looked up, startled and she gave me an apologetic look, before she sat down opposite me.
"Hi" I said timidly, suddenly intimidated by this beautiful accomplished woman.
"Look, I probably shouldn't have called you..." I said, my voice trailing off in embarrassment.
"I'm not saying agony aunt is in my job description Maddy, but I'll do my best" She gave me a wry smile. I returned it shyly, not quite comfortable yet.
"I didn't know who else to talk to, my friends are great, but you know..." My voice quietened again, still feeling awkward.
"I understand. When Sam died I had no one to talk to either" She admitted, shrugging, but the smile had died slowly from her face.
"When did he die?" I blurted out. My cheeks reddened as I saw I may have crossed some invisible line.
"1 year, 7 months and 3 days ago" She replied matter-of-factly, sounding not at all offended.
"What was he like?" I asked, my voice lowering slightly.
"He was a lot like Greg: he had that quality that drew people to him, he made me laugh like no-one else could, but he was also stubborn and independent to a fault. He never gave anything away and by the time I figured it out-" She broke off and the unspoken words reverberated around my mind: 'it was too late'.
"So when Greg came to me, how could I not say yes? I had failed Sam, but I could save Greg from the same fate. Or so I thought" She met my earnest gaze, her alluring eyes shining slightly as she relived her failures.
"It wasn't your fault: I know Mel doesn't blame you in the slightest" I assured her. J frowned at my response.
"And you?" J cocked an eyebrow and it was my turn to frown.
"What does it matter what I think?" I muttered, looking away from her. She tapped her fingers impatiently on the table, looking at me expectantly for my answer.
"Looks like stubbornness runs in the family" I said under my breath.
"Just answer the question Maddy" She sighed.
"Of course I don't blame you. Greg had a mind of his own: I know that. Though it doesn't matter what I think about it" I answered honestly. Jenkins considered me closely for a moment and I lowered my eyes under her scrutiny. She had a way of looking at you: like she saw every inch of you. Flaws and all. It was both strangely liberating and unnerving simultaneously.
"What do you think Greg told me about you Maddy?" J asked briskly. I pursed my lips:
"I don't know, nothing much I suppose" I said.
"Nothing much? Really?" She replied disbelievingly.
"Fine, what did he tell you?" I huffed.
"Didn't you think it was strange I knew who you were before you even told me your name? Greg told a lot about you Maddy" She questioned.
"I suppose it was a bit strange." I smiled at her. "I can't explain what Greg was to me, but I know what I was to him. He didn't even call me his friend" I explained,each word aiming a blow to my heart as I forced them out.
"Well that's not the way he told it Maddy. You have no idea how hard he worked to keep you and Mel safe. To keep you from finding out" She assured me. I wanted to believe her, but something held me back. There was no reason for her to lie to me: but a lifetime of Greg paying so little attention and affection to me dismissed my reasoning.
"He did it for Mel, he knew what I mean to her" I denied quickly, wondering just how much Greg had told her.
"Even if that were true, we both know you wish it wasn't that" Jenkins challenged. Silently I nodded, there was no point denying it anymore, especially as J probably already knew. She was like that bloody all-seeing eye in Lord of the Rings, she was so well informed, apart from all that evil, taking over the world part.
"I spoke to Tom yesterday" I volunteered, changing the subject to what I'd really wanted to talk about. "I told him I knew it was his fault, he said it was complicated. I told him to leave me alone because he was my friend and he lied to me. So many times." I looked up at her with tear filled eyes.
"He lied to everyone Maddy, he had to" J reasoned and I stopped short. "Imagine it was your fault your best friend was killed. Would you let anyone else get hurt? Would you give up what he had died trying to achieve?" She demanded, the passion coming out full force.
"Of course not. Are you saying he's working against Morton?" I asked, wide eyed.
"Of course he is Maddy." She exclaimed like it was obvious, then she softened slightly as she took in my expression:
"I know its hard, believe me, I understand. But, don't push him too hard." She advised me, the faint furrow of her brow obscured beneath the dark hair falling into her eyes. I remained silent, no idea how to reply to that.
"It was the first time I didn't call him today" I admitted.
She sipped her coffee and studied me. "Who?" She asked
I closed my eyes because they were feeling rather watery. "I've called Greg's phone every day since he disappeared" I whispered. I didn't know why I was telling her this.
"Oh Maddy" She said, her eyes filling with sympathy.
I wiped away the tear on my cheek. "I just...." I paused and took a deep breath.
"I just miss hearing his voice" I said, smiling sadly.
"I don't know if you'll believe me when I say this, but..." She hesitated and I looked at her encouragingly.
"If the roles were reversed: Greg wouldn't have handled it like you. He would have been a mess, unable to put himself back together. At least you're trying" She said gently.
I stared at her, a little at a loss. Before I could reply she was finishing her coffee.
"Look Maddy, I need to go" She excused, a guilty expression on her face. Though slightly crestfallen, I dismissed her guilt instantly:
"It's OK, go" I murmured. She stood up and pulled on her jacket, hesitating as she glanced back at me.
"Really it's fine, I can tell it's important" I smiled through it. She shot me a wry smile before sweeping from the cafe. I watched her go wistfully. To think I had been so intimidated when I first met her, that I had found her too offhand and all-knowing. Today had revealed something I never would have expected: I respected her for what she did, liked her even. She was kind, but not pitying and wasn't afraid to say things I didn't want to hear. Which I knew my friends could not have done.
She was captivating, an effect probably created by the air of mystery she held at all times. You could never quite tell what she knew and what she didn't. Especially when it came to me and Greg, but we were such a messy state of affairs: I could hardly disentangle them myself, but she had still tried without asking for anything in return. And to think: I didn't even know her first name.
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Sorry the flashbacks were so short- I just wanted to include those snippets to give an idea of what it was like just before the story began and how Maddy reacted to her breaking it off with Greg and his reaction following it.
So, what do you think of J? Do you think Maddy was right to go to her instead of telling Mel the truth? I wasn't completely happy with this chapter, but I thought more needed to happen before the next step in the story (basically I didn't want to rush it)
Chapter Song:
"I am a blank page before,
I am a fine idea you crave"
London Grammar- Stay Awake
Thanks for reading!
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NotOriginal1997 xxxx