(This is a bit sad and so heads up.)
School.
I got to go to school.
Yeah sure I might be a smart student, but by no means should that imply that I don't dislike school. Because if anything, I do.
I sit in the car, Maven driving me to school.
I stare out the window, looking at the blur of houses as we drive by them, my body in the car but my mid wandering off into its own world. I can't shake off that negative feeling from last night when Dexter was here.
"You good?" Maven asks me.
"Pardon?" I ask, in sure of what he said due to my lack of attention.
"I asked you if your okay." He says. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah," I reply. "just thinking."
"About...?" He trails the sentence.
I try and lighten the mood. "Do you really wish to know everything that goes on in my head?" I joke.
Maven snorts. "I got better things to do."
"Of course you do." I scoff.
We bicker, fighting with each other the whole ride until he pulls up to the school.
"Ugh, finally, I can be rid of this burden." I says.
"Stupid." I say before getting out of the car.
"Idiot." I hear him say as I close the door.
His car then drives off.
I shake my head and curse at him under my breath. Times like this I really just want to damage that beautiful face of his.
I walk through the parking lot and to the freeway now entrance of the school, trying to act invisible as I walk past all the "popular" kids and their "popular" gangs.
Just as I'm about to walk through the front doors of the school I catch a glimpse of a certain someone who seems engrossed in a conversation with a beautiful blonde girl with deep hazels eyes that look as though you can see the universe in them, and a perfectly curvy figure. I make eye contact with him and instead of calls by me over or walking up to me like he usually does, Dexter simply gives me a wave and a bright smile. The blonde girl also turns her attention to me and gives me a small smile even though I don't know her.
I return the gesture and give both of them a forced small smile and wave at Dexter before going inside.
I take a deep breath and stare at the ground the moment the door shuts and I'm inside the school. What is happening to me? He was busy, that's what he didn't approach me, yet why do I feel rejected?
I feel my heart clench and a lump in my throat. It is like I'm suffocating, something squeezing you chest causing my breathing to become heavy. I know what happening. My eyes begin to become heavy, not because I am sleepy, but because they are filling with tears. Damn me. I hate how emotional I get over the littlest of things. It's not that I am actually a very emotional person, it's just because of my bottled up emotions. I keep them to myself and when the time comes I struggle to contain them.
I'm struggling right now.
I suddenly become self conscious. Are people looking at me? I am having one of my mental breakdowns at school, in the middle of the busy halls. Did someone notice me?
A group of students, my age I think, stand by the lockers laughing for some reason. They smile at each other and continue to laugh.
I become paranoid.
My heart starts to race and I can't stop the gut feeling that they are laughing at me. I know they aren't but I can't help but feel as if they are. My breathing becomes heavier and the squeeze in my chest only gets worse. It is official, I am having a mental breakdown.
I keep by head down as I walk to the nearest girls restroom. My heart bangs against my chest and I start to feel weak. I need to go to a quiet place and calm myself down otherwise I might just give in and start bawling. I enter the girls restroom and speed walk to a stall, opening one and closing it on a matter of seconds. I put down the lid of the seat and sit.
All that is hear is my heavy breathing.
Don't cry.
Don't cry.
Don't cry.
I keep of repeating those same words to myself like a mantra.
Don't cry Calypso.
Be strong.
I sit on the seat and take deep breaths and think happy thoughts, things to distract me from all the negativity. Now that I am already upset about Dexter, a bunch on bad things from my past won't stop coming up.
Maven.
That's a happy thought.
He is amazing, like my big brother, I remember all the times he was so overprotective. I would get mad at him about it. He made my life happy again.
But...
He's not here. He's not here to help me, no one is.
But that's okay, I have other friends.
But where are my friends? They don't care for me, they are not looking for me, they don't care.
No. They probably just didn't notice. They are probably busy.
My mind fights with itself.
Forget it.
Forget it all.
I take out my headphones and my phone, deciding to listen to music, it will clear my mind.
Music has always helped me. I'm not musically inclined myself but I love to listen to music, it always helps clear my mind and smooth me when I have an anxiety attack or is I have a mental breakdown.
I close my eyes and remove my bag, putting it in my lap and hugging it like a teddy bear. I rest my head on it and close my eyes, listening and focusing on the music.
Without realizing, a lone tear streaks down my cheek.
*
Smile, and no one will know. No one will know I was sad or that I feel down.
Smile, everything will be alright.
Smile, and I can go one about my pathetic life.
School just ended and I am walking through the halls, almost near the entrance doors, the exit.
I missed my first 2 classes but was able to attend the others, keeping my head low and staying "in the shadows". I ended up running into my friends but did my best to act alright. They bought it.
I was able to shake them off and walk to the doors myself but it was hard seeing they were so persistent. I love them for that. If only I had the guts to tell them, to tell someone how I feel and not keep my feelings bottled up like this. I know it is unhealthy to keep these things to myself but I can't help but do so. I am scared to tell anyone, even them, my friends.
I'm so lost in thought I don't notice and arm hook it it's with mine, I look down at the arm and then up at the person.
"Hello, my wife." They say.
Chapter Eight of:
LOVE