“I will try to fix you.” Coldplay
Lena Rose Winter
Loss was something I was used to my entire life. In fact, it all started when my hamster Gibby died when I was about three years old. Although, every time I lost someone dear to me, it was like salt being added to a fresh wound. Your whole body feels numb, and fresh memories crush their heavy weight on a newly broken heart.
Watching someone lose a loved one is entirely different though. You can see the person crumbling like a dry pastry before your eyes. You can do nothing but stare at them. You itch to comfort them, to convince them that everything was going to be alright. It was easier said than done. You are aware that they are suffering, and you want to take all that sadness away from them.
I currently stood a few feet away from a casket that contained my best friend’s deceased grandmother.
I clutched Liam’s hand with every piece of power I had. His hand seemed lifeless, yet I never let go.
Mom and Tori were behind me, their heads bowed down in respect. Tori’s eyes never left the snow. Liam’s neighbor stood by his side, her cheeks wet with tears. A few other people I couldn’t recognize stared at the casket with a couple of betraying tears falling.
“Lena, it’s your turn,” nudged me Tori. I noticed that the priest present with us had been done with his prayers. It was time for me to say the poem Liam had written this morning.
I stepped forward, reluctantly letting go of Liam’s hand. I cleared my throat and got the small piece of paper out of my jacket. I held it in the same hand as the white and blue roses.
“Well, uhm, to me, Darla Black was one of the kindest women I’d ever met. She is a happy, caring and generous soul. She took care of everyone in her life, and they will forever be grateful for that.”
I looked at Liam over my shoulder; his eyes were glued to the casket.
“This is a poem by Victoria L. Payne, that Liam wanted me to read.”
“In my Rose Garden of memories
I see you standing there
an angel in disguise
who taught me how to care
I long to hear your voice
for real not in my dreams,”
I paused for a second, letting a tear splatter on the paper.
“I am missing you so much these days
how empty my world seems
People say time heals all wounds
that someday the pain will subside
But Grandma I can tell you
I think they must have lied
The emptiness I am feeling now
is strong and I am weak
These days go by without you
so dreary and so bleak
In my Rose Garden of memories
I know you'll always be
for though you're gone
from this mortal world
in my heart you'll always be”
There was a sudden silence as a cold breeze blew over us, making me feel as if Darla had heard me and she saw how much we loved her.
My legs shook as I walked closer to the casket, my steps making traces on the snow. I put the flowers on top of the coffin and whispered: “I’ll try to take care of him like you did.”
I walked to Liam and put my hand in his again. Despite the freezing weather, his hand couldn’t possibly be warmer. I refrained from talking to him this whole morning. He avoided my eyes.
The priest and a man beside him looked at us with pity. “It’s time for the burial,” the man said. I stiffened.
He was giving us a choice to whether stay and watch, or leave. The burial would take a longer time, since there was snow. The caretakers of the cemetery took care of cleaning the places of snow, but it didn’t stop nature from crying frozen tears on places where dead bodies laid.
For the first time that entire morning, I spoke to him.“Liam?”
He nodded.
“I’ll stay too.”
He squeezed my hand and our eyes met. He pleaded me to go, he wanted to go through this alone. In a way, I understood. A part of me wanted to stay with him, and another comprehended that this was something he wanted to see alone.
“Okay. I’ll go.”
He nodded in gratitude.
Liam’s neighbor shook his hand, and there was a mutual understanding between them. The few others; a middle aged woman and two men did the same with him. They were gone by now.
Mom blinked at me and headed towards the car. Tori patted his shoulder and walked away. It was a matter of seconds before I had to leave as well.
I positioned myself face to face with him. He looked down at me with a passiveness that made my blood get cooler in my veins.
I wrapped my arms around his waist, catching him off guard. He never responded, he just put his head down to my shoulder for a few moments.
“Come over when it’s all over, alright?” He didn’t answer. He hadn’t talked to me again since Friday night, and it was slightly disappointing. I didn’t expect him to talk again, but a small part of me hoped he did.
I put my hands on his shoulders and looked straight into his eyes. They were an empty blue, as if the ocean in them had lost life. There were no waves.
“Everything’s going to be okay, I promise.”
I half-heartedly believed my own words. I heard them over the years so many times, I couldn’t understand if they were true or just lies that are supposed to make you feel better.
But for now, it was all I had to help.
-
12:01
I wondered how easy life would be if we could all transform into animals whenever we wanted. And that spirit was the one that revealed your true form to others.
I wished to be a bird; a dove, precisely. They were simple, tiny, sneaky and innocent looking.
The door bell broke off my concentration and I jumped off my bed in seconds. Tori was soundly sleeping, mumbling something about different kinds of tea. I crept into my mother’s room, and she was bundled in her covers, soft snores signaling just at what point she was exhausted.
I slowly went down the stairs, took a freshly washed pot from the kitchen, and held it in my hand as I looked in the peep hole. It was dark, yet the person’s head was down. They were slightly swaying.
He raised his arm to bang on the door, and I let out a small shriek. I recognized him within seconds, dropped the pot on the ground and hesitantly opened the door.
“…Liam?”
He looked at me with a crazy gleam in his eyes. The smell of alcohol seemed to have been sprayed on him. His clothes were messy and they were the same he’d worn this morning.
“Liam,” I repeated, instantly steadying him. I had to breathe through my mouth to avoid the reek of alcohol.
He gave me a little hysterical laugh. “Lena,” he said in the same tone. I was momentarily stunned that he was talking. I lead him to a small chair beside the door, and he refused to sit.
“Please, sit, Liam.”
He shook his head. “No, you’re not my mom.”
I tried to push down his shoulders to make him sit.
“In fact, my mom can’t even tell me what to do, because she’s dead!” He chuckled dryly. I tensed and stared at him.
“Neither can my dad say anything, because his body is underground! He’s dead!” His tone rose.
I put my hand on his arm. “Liam, pl—” He abruptly took his arm away from me.
“And they say that siblings will always be here for you, eh? Mine, where is she, huh? She’s DEAD, too! How old was she, Lena? FIVE YEARS OLD!” He was shouting by now.
I stayed frozen.
“And Grandma, she used to tell me what to do.” He paused, taking ragged breaths. “But now she can’t, you know why, Lena?”
I didn’t answer.
“You know why? Do you?”
I shook my head, feeling that it was the right thing to do.
He put his hands on my shoulder and looked at me in the eye.
“She’s DEAD TOO!”
I wasn’t used to Liam talking just yet, much less to him yelling. I decided to stay calm and silent, just to let him get everything out.
“And why?” He whispered, walking around the living room. His steps made stains on the carpet.
He turned to me and pointed at himself. “Me. It’s all my fucking fault!”
“I’m letting them die, Lena! For god’s sake, I’m losing everyone around me! I’m an orphan!” He shouted, every fiber of me was shaking.
“It’s not your fault,” I said. “It never was.”
He scoffed. “My family died because of my god damned birthday present! I was a selfish brat who couldn’t wait for an airplane for his tenth birthday! They got killed in that car crash! It was my fault! And then, Grandma came to live with me! And maybe she wouldn’t have gotten sick, and maybe she wouldn’t have fucking died, Lena!”
He swung his fist into the closest thing to him, which was the old lamp Mom had always refused to get rid of. He grimaced at the blood on his knuckles and looked up at me.
The anger was gone, and it was replaced by a look of heartbreak.
“They’re all gone,” he mumbled, falling to his knees. In a flash, I was by his side.
“None of this was your fault, I promise. It wasn’t your fault that a drunk driver crashed into their car. It wasn’t yours. It wasn’t your fault that your grandma got sick.” I kept on repeating.
He let out a sob and covered his face with his hands. “They’re all gone,” he kept on saying. My heart broke at the sight of him. I put my arms around him, feeling our bodies vibrate as he cried. We remained like that for a long time. I held a broken soul and watched as he got out of the shell he hid behind.
A small trashcan was placed in front of me and I realized that Tori and Mom were awake. Mom leaned against the wall and looked at us with a broken expression.
Tori gave me the trashcan and nodded. As if by telepathy, Liam grabbed the trashcan and started retching. I breathed through my mouth, and Tori turned away.
I rubbed his back as he got every drop of alcohol out of his system. He coughed repeatedly, and I grabbed a tissue box. I handed him about five of them and watched as he wiped his mouth.
Mom handed me a bottle of water and he cleaned the puke in his mouth out with it.
I helped him get up and I put him on the red couch I loved to read on. He blinked at me several times. I took his hand.
“It isn’t your fault, Liam.” I said.
“It is,” he replied, his voice barely audible. His cheeks were wet from the tears that still fell.
I shook my head fervently. “It isn’t. Your mom, your dad, Serena and Grandma Darla are looking down on you right now, guarding you. They will always be in your heart. They wouldn’t want to see you like this.”
“But they’re not here.”
“They are,” I pressed my palm on the place where his heart should be. “They’re right here.”
He closed his eyes and opened them with difficulty. “…will you leave me?”
“Never.”
He took a deep breath and fell to sleep. I turned to my mom and sibling. They looked at me with sadness and pity.
Mom scrunched her nose. “I never really liked that lamp, anyway.”