Charlie
I woke up to Jax scribbling away in his little journal. It had been awhile since I saw him doing that. I raised an eyebrow at him but he didn't notice and I didn't question him about it. I leaned up and gave him a kiss. Jax immediately closed the journal and kissed me back. Odd... I thought to myself as I slid out of bed and grabbed some sweatpants to put on over my underwear.
"What time do you..." he trailed off.
"Noon. But I want to get there an hour early to set up since I haven't been there in almost two weeks." I told him.
"I'll let Chibs know." He said. I didn't give him a sigh or any attitude. Today was a test and I knew it.
"Morning." Jax said to me kissing the back of my head.
"I have to head to the clubhouse this morning, but I'm gonna take the boys with me." He told me. I turned around in my spot to look up at him.
"Really? It's so early." I said.
"And the boys too?" I questioned. He gave me a shrug and walked over to the table and sat down.
"Club stuff running over from last night. It's been awhile since they've been up there. Plus Gemma should be up there." He told me. Odd... I thought to myself again. He had been acting different in the slightest ways this morning. Something was off and I knew it. Though it was probably my appointment with Alonzo. I knew he wasn't happy about it but he still allowing me to go. I only hoped that Alonzo was going to be on his best behavior
"Alright..." I said to him as I brought over a plate of bacon to the table.
"Did you want to come by and meet him?" I asked Jax slowly. I watched as he stiffened at my question.
"No." He said simply.
"Would you have wanted to meet Tara after every-"
"No." I said as I turned on my heel walking back over to the stove. If Tara was still around today there wouldn't be a single bone in my body that would want to meet her. Especially after what she did when we were young. Everyone knew Jax was mine. Especially her. I felt bad for still hating her for that after she died but I always knew how to hold a grudge. I slipped away to get ready for the day. I was thankful that my bruises were even better today than they were the day before. I could easily hide them with some color correction. Unfortunately that meant that I would be wearing a lot of makeup and it might look like I was getting dolled up for my appointment. Which I was not. I knew that if Alonzo saw me visibly hurt he would have raised hell. And to keep everyone safe I had to make sure that I didn't give either one of them a raise to be mad at each other.
Jax was watching Abel brush his teeth when I finally came out of the room ready for the day. He studied my face and what I was wearing. He smiled at me then kissed my cheek.
"You look great, babe." He told me.
"Why don't you put that green shirt on that I like." He said and I gave him a confused look.
"Why?" I questioned. I never wore shirts that showed my cleavage when I worked. Or any form fitting shirt for that matter. But that specific shirt was tight and low cut. It even dipped down in the back to show a good amount of skin.
"I just like that one on you. Makes your eyes pop. Please, for me?" He asked and I narrowed my eyes at him but agreed. We both looked over at the door when we heard three quick knocks.
"Chibs" we both said in unison. I went to change and Jax went to answer the door. When I came back into the living room Jax was whispering to Chibs. I assumed he was giving him all the information about Alonzo and how he can bullet in him if he tried anything.
"Morning sweetheart. You look like you're feeling better." He said to me, opening his arms to me. I gave him a smile hearing his accent and wrapped my arms around him. He kissed the side of my head and gave me a gentle squeeze.
"Love ya kid." He told me and I smiled, giving him a squeeze back.
"I'm serious Chibs. You're on her ass every second of the day."Jax said sternly. His voice "I won't let anything happen to her. Me and Charls are gonna have a good day, yeh?"Chibs said to Jax and to me while I grabbed my bag. Jax grabbed me by arm, gently and i turned in his hand to face him. He moved hand from my arm to cup my cheek. His blue eyes stared deep into mine before he gave me a tender kiss.
"You better come back to me." He whispered out and I leaned up giving him another kiss. "Always." I told him then walked out the door behind Chibs.
-
"So what's this about some Italian lad coming to take you?" Chibs asked me while we walked through the doors of my tattoo shop. I rolled my eyes at his question. I knew Jax had told Chibs some false truth about what was going on today.
"He's an old friend and he's not going to take me away." I told him as I turned on the lights. My eyes scanned the room looking at the mess I left it in. I had forgotten that I was giving Sam his big tattoo the day I was taken. We left in a rush trying to make it to his party on time and I didn't clean up anything. At least I got here early. I thought to myself as I made my way over to my station picking up the little caps of black ink and tossing them into the trash.
"I heard he was more than an old friend..." Chibs said. His silence spoke for itself but I didn't want to have to explain to yet another person about my relationship with Alonzo. It was complicated but yet so simple. I loved him-platonically. He was my twin flame and he helped heal what was broken.
"Why don't you just tell me what Jax said?" I said to him,
"Not much, love. Just that you two have history and that he was concerned that this lad would take you away." He said to me and I rolled my eyes as if he could see me. I still couldn't understand why Jax was so insecure about this. He had loved many while we were a part. Why was it okay for him to do so but for me it was suddenly a sign that his world was coming apart.
"Well I can assure you Chibs he isn't here to take me away. And our history turned into friendship. That's all." I told him as I wiped down my station and started to set up. I looked up at Chibs when he took a seat on the couch next to my work station instead of the couch that was in the waiting room at the front desk.
"Just in case." Chibs said, giving me a smile. I let out a frustrated sigh and shook my head at him. These men were going to be the death of me.
"How are you really, love?" Chibs asked me. I looked over my shoulder at him and he was leaning off the back of the couch toward me.
"Are you asking as my surrogate father or to tell Jax?" I asked him in return. I listened as he made a clicking sound with his tongue.
"You know which one, lovey" He said to me causing a small smile to appear on my lips. Chibs always called me lovey when he switched gears and treated me like a daughter. There was a certain comfort in having Chibs play my father. As much as I loved mine part of me wished that Chibs was actually my old man. He was better at it than mine was- kinder and more thoughtful. I trusted him and I knew there wasn't anything that he would do to hurt me. Meanwhile my dad constantly tried to change me when I was younger. I knew that if Chibs had always been my father he would have loved who I was back then.
"I'm tired." I told him with a sigh.
"Im tired of trying to prove myself to everyone... To myself even. I honestly didn't come back for Jax. There wasn't a single part of me that thought I would be so deep in this again in such a short amount of time. I don't regret but I do wish that I didn't have to prove that I'm the right one for the job." I admitted to Chibs.
"I don't think anyone is expecting you prove anything doll. We all love ye... I can see how much Jackie loves you. The boys... you don't have to prove anything." He said and I let out a humorous laugh at his words.
"That's what everyone keeps telling me." I said.
"Then let me tell ye something no one else has. Jackie put on one hell of fight to get to that seat at the head of the table despite having to battle and prove to the woman at home that he deserved it and needed it." He started. I turned to look at him as I leaned my hips into the counter behind me. He had a serious look on his face, he was telling me the truth and wanted me to know it.
"He had to prove himself to everyone; not just us but all the other charters and associates that he was the right man in that seat while also trying to hold his family together. He did it alone- wouldn't take help from anyone because he didn't know how to. Jackie lost his way. Lost his meaning, lost his fight. Before Tara was killed he was going to take the fall for everything. Be put away because that's what he thought he needed to do save his family." I knew some of this already. Jax had told me, Gemma too but this was different. This was coming from someone who truly cared about him and saw the wreckage first hand.
"The Jackie I saw after Tara was brutally murdered was a boy I had never seen before. I never thought the smart man with his priorities and head screwed on straight was ever going to come back. We were all just blindly following him to our death. Until you walked through that door. You don't have anything to prove to us love because you single handily brought him out of that sorrow- that grief. You not only saved his life but all of ours. We would follow Jackie to hell. But you Charlie, he'll follow you to the heavens and we'll be right behind him." Chibs finished. Not once did he look away from me when he spoke. I had to wipe a couple tears that had slipped out while he was talking to me.
"You have nothing left to prove, lovey. Jackie knows that you aren't going anywhere now. He just had to let go of some of his past. It's not that he's afraid of you leaving. It's that he's afraid of who he'll become if he does lose you." He said to me and I nodded. I knew that much. The look in his eyes had changed so much in the time I had been back.
"Thank you for that." I whispered out. Chibs waved off my words and leaned back into the couch.
"Someone needed to tell you. You needed to know- We all tried to love the Doc but we needed you. A president is only as good as the woman behind him." He added in. The famous words that Gemma used to tell me any time Jax and I got into a little spat when we were younger. The words that convinced me to stay after I saw him in our bed with another woman. I didn't know what else to say. I was tried of proving myself but maybe I was tired of trying to prove that I was the same girl and I'm all reality I wasn't that girl anymore.
I sat in my chair staring at the black rose wallpaper. My foot was shaking nervously as I waited for time to come. I wasn't fully better and sitting on this chair only reminded me how much healing I still had to do. I prayed that Alonzo wanted some simple design but I was a photo realistic artist- simple only went so far. When I heard the chime of the door as someone walked in, I spun in my chair to face the door. I looked over at Chibs who jumped to his feet and made his way to the front desk.
"Hello, I have an appointment with Charlie Monroe." A voice said. I knew that voice all too well. My breath caught in my throat
"Aye. And you are?" Chibs said.
"I'm Alonzo Cardano. Who are you?" Alonzo asked.
"Chibs-"
"My bodyguard for the day." I said cutting Chibs off as I moved past him to land my eyes on Alonzo. He was dressed in his typical well tailored navy suit. His hair was pulled back into a bun. I watched as a wide smile spread across his tawny skin. He brought his hands up and placed them on his chest.
"Mia Amata" he called out. I couldn't help the smile that came to me hearing the endearing name he gave me years ago.
"Hi Lonzo." I told him as I walked up to him. He wasted no time pulling me into a tight hug. I buried my face into his chest taking in his scent of wood and spice. I ignored the soreness and the pain my body felt while he squeezed me. I smiled, feeling him kiss the top of my head before he pulled away, keeping his hands on my arms.
"Let me get a look at you." He said as his warm brown eyes looked me over. His smiled pointed into a frown and he raised a brow at me.
"Why do you need a bodyguard?" He asked me.
"I got kidnapped two weeks away." I told him bluntly. I laughed to myself hearing the scoffs that came from Chibs when he heard my honesty. Alonzo and I were always fully transparent with each other. That's what made our relationship go from lovers to friends without any issues.
"Kidnapped!?" He said. Shock took over his face and then concern followed immediately.
"Are you alright? I knew I should have come down sooner when you stopped returning my calls." He said. His hands were now running up and down my arms and I waved off his concern.
"I'm okay. I promise." I told him as I patted his chest. I watched him take a deep breath as he calmed himself down. His eyes left mine and focused on Chibs instead.
"Were you her bodyguard when she got kidnapped?" He asked.
"No." Chibs said simply
"But if I was Charls wouldn't have left my sight." He said. I smiled hearing his words. I watched as Alonzo nodded then focused back on me. His smile came back to his face as he looked at me. Studied me. Alonzo knew this version of me better than Jax did. It was nice to be seen in that light again and not be compared to everyone else. Not to have to prove and explain that I was different. That I had changed even from how I was seventeen years ago. I had known Alonzo longer than I had known Jax. The reality of that always saddened me because I loved Jax with my whole soul and I felt like I knew him like the back of my hand.
"I like the design of this place." Alonzo said as he came out of the bathroom. He had changed into a black tank top shirt. I glanced around looking at the black rose wallpaper on the wall to black leather couches to the white marbled floor before I looked at my art that hung in frames on the walls.
"I do too." I told him.
"So we are doing a tattoo today?" I asked him and he chuckled.
"We are." He told me. I patted the chair next to my station for him to sit as I sat down in my swivel chair.
"But we are going to talk about you not calling or writing or even shooting me a text in the last two months." He said to me as he sat and I let out a sigh.
"You asked me to help to get your stuff packed up and moved out here and that was the last I heard from you. You wouldn't let me come down for your grand opening. Didn't come to the girls birthday party." He said. I knew I was being a bad friend to him. I let myself get wrapped up in this life again and I completely forgot about the outside world.
"Angel's more worried than I am. She was going to come instead of me a couple weeks ago. She had herself convinced that Teller had killed you and was texting us for you" Alonzo finally finished. I looked up at Chibs when I heard him clear his throat at Alonzo's words.
"Jax didn't know about you." I said, grabbing my favorite blue pen.
"You didn't tell Jax about me and the girls?" He asked and I shook my head.
"Why not?" He questioned.
"Jax is..." I started trying to find the right words to tell him.
"You've never been ashamed of us before. Why now?" Alonzo said and I rolled my eyes at him.
"That is not the reason. Jax is sensitive right now. His ex was killed and he has two young boys. We've just been trying to figure out how to make us work again. Bringing you up just never really felt like the right time." I told him and he narrowed his eyes at me. He glanced over his shoulder at Chibs then he looked back at me. He leaned towards me before he spoke.
"Bringing me up or bringing up your ex fiancé who's second in command of the biggest mob in New York?" He whispered out and I took a deep breath in.
"The latter." I told him. Alonzo looked at me in disbelief as he leaned back into his seat.
"There's not a good way to explain us without bringing that up. I tried to, okay? That first night I came back I told him that I had been with someone and that I loved him. He knew about that. I just didn't know how to tell him about everything else. I'm not as hot headed or hurtful as I used to be." I admitted to him.
"Instead you just acted like we didn't exist? You thought that having us worry about you was better than having your biker boyfriend know that you have a family in New York that loves you?" He asked and I closed my eyes. Hearing Alonzo say it out loud really did make me sound awful. But he was exactly right. I let myself dissociate from the outside world to play house with Jax. It was a happy little world and I didn't want to do anything to disturb that.
"If he was to leave you over something like that Charlie then he isn't the man for you." Alonzo said bringing the fear that I had been hiding inside of me since the moment I got back. If Jax wasn't for me then who was? Jax made my whole world turn. He was my sun- my light and I was just a moth being drawn to him.
"What have you gotten yourself into Charlie?" He asked me.
"I fell back in love with Jax, alright? I felt like I had to fall back into the role that I knew all too well. His boys call me mom Alonzo! You know just how bad I've wanted to be called that. I just love him and I would be anything that he needs me to be. I'm sorry that I shut you out. He didn't need the Charlie that you know. He needed the girl he fell in love with to help him heal from the shit that he's been through while I was gone. Talking to you just reminds me how hurt I was- how badly he hurt me and I just wanted to be happy with him instead." I told him. I felt like I was going to vomit but it was my words that came out instead of my breakfast.
"Oh Charlie... you're right back where you didn't want to be." He told me and I nodded. I was. I didn't know how I got sucked up into this world again; into this life. I swore that I would never come back. That I wouldn't let that cocky smile or those blue eyes woo me back into this toxic lifestyle. But I did. I was here for two days and our love had rekindled and I had no plans on ever leaving again.
"Tell me everything so I can help you." He said to me and I could feel the tears build in my water lines. I started with my bike being messed with and having to take it to T.M. Seeing Gemma there and her setting me up with Jax. I told him about how I felt when I saw the man that I had loved since I was sixteen and how he looked so lost and painful. I told him about the dinner and how it felt too easy to slip back in my place with him. How Gemma told me that Jax didn't love Tara the same way he loved me and how he needed me. I told him how Jax even told me that he needed me now more than ever. I could tell that Alonzo was surprised when I told him that I told Jax about my miscarriage but not as surprised as he looked when I told him that I bought them a house and moved into it. I couldn't handle living in a space that just felt like it was another woman's and not mine. I told him the reason behind me opening the shop and making a big deal out of it. I told him about the smallest details of hanging out with Chibs and how Jax made me smile and when Abel asked me if I was his mom. I finally got to the kidnapping. How all I wanted was to get home to Jax and the boys. Then I told him about my depression. Something Jax didn't even know about. I was fighting with who I was trying to be and who I had grown to be. The girl that was locked in that shed fought like the girl who slit a guys throat just because he wouldn't take his hands off my ass then back handed me because I told him to stop. The biker old lady that I was trying to be was not the woman that I was now and I couldn't get myself out of bed until I figured out who I wanted to be now. Worried that if I picked the wrong one that Jax wouldn't love me the same. Then I ended it with telling him about Jax finding my go bag that Alonzo had gifted me and how that started a huge fight between me and Jax. I stayed silent while I watched him process the information I had just gave him. I wiped the tears from my face waiting for him to give me the advice that I desperately needed.
"You're in pretty deep, Charlie." He told me and I nodded. I knew that.
"You aren't going to leave with me... Even if I asked you to, I know you wouldn't." He said and I shook my head. There wasn't a piece of me that wanted to leave Jax again. That much I knew.
"Which means that you genuinely love this life- my life is the one that's bad for you. I think I turned you into something you never were..." he said and he grabbed my hand and brought it up to his lips.
"You never loved me the way that you love him. You've been here four months and left everything that you built- for him. It took you six years to find your footing with me. Six more to stand on your own after we broke up but in four months with him you're running. As much as I've been worried about you- This is where you should be Charlie." He told me. I gasped for air as if I had been holding it in for the last three months. He gave my hand a squeeze and I returned.
"That being said. If you ever need a place to go to, the girls and I will always welcome you with open arms." He told me and I gave him a smile.
"If you need to put distance between us. I understand. I wouldn't be comfortable with Angel talking to her ex like we used to either but at least call Angel back. She misses you and I can only hold her back for so long" he said with a chuckle and I joined him. She was even more strong willed than I was.
"Tattoo?" He asked me and I nodded wiping my face away.
"I just want a few Magnolias and Camellias on my bicep for the girls." He told me.
"How are Heaven and Grace?" I asked him as I pulled out his arm and shaved his bicep.
"They're great. They're growing so fast I hate it. They do miss their Aunt Charlie." He said as he looked up at me. I smiled softly thinking about them. I did miss them as well.
"I miss them too. I miss all of you but this is my home." I told him. I took my blue pen and I starting drawing the stencil for the flowers on his skin.
"Maybe they could have a playdate with your boys someday?" He asked. I couldn't help the smile that took over my face when he said my boys.
"I'd have to run it by Jax but I think they would like that." I told him. I had missed Alonzo. He was a part of me in a way that I couldn't explain to anyone else. It was validating having him here and having him notice who I actually was. It helped me realize that all these years I was running away from myself. From my feelings and my love. Nothing would have satisfied that hunger unless it was Jax Teller himself.