Waking up with his flat all lit up and Zayn curled up next to him in bed, hogging all the covers, Liam had a sudden realization that his life had changed dramatically in more than one way. For some odd reason, in the midst of dehydration, starvation, and slowly slipping into mental instability, Liam had forgotten about how completely and entirely straight both he and Zayn were.
In that room, all he'd known about the situation is that it felt right. He hadn't even thought to be surprised when Zayn revealed that not only were the feelings mutual, but had been a very long time coming on his end. Now, though, Liam couldn't help but begin to panic at the various reactions he'd have to soothe if anyone ever found out about what had really happened.
Not only would the fans freak out, but his parents and ex-girlfriends would probably be extremely confused. His new-found infatuation with Zayn didn't lessen his previous affection for those women in any way-- however, he worried about Perrie endlessly as he watched Zayn breathe low and soft.
Finally, unable to swallow the guilt any longer, Liam reached over and shook at Zayn's shoulder until he stirred awake. "Zee, you need to go home."
Zayn sat up and rubbed at his eyes, looking annoyed and confused. "What are you on about?"
"Perrie's probably waiting for you," Liam said coldly, peeling the sheets off of his body and walking briskly out of his bedroom, not bothering to wait for Zayn's response.
"Liam," Zayn was saying following him to the front door. "I don't--"
"You don't miss her? You don't love her? What? Just go, please. Don't need anybody making assumptions, okay?"
"A bit late for that, wouldn't you say?" Zayn asked, tugging on his shoes and jumper. "I'm going to text you."
Liam shrugged, shutting the door softly in Zayn's face and collapsing neatly onto the welcome mat, back pressed against the wood. He bit back his tears and just sat there, looking around his flat like it was a foreign country. How was he supposed to jump right back into living his life? Living this odd, dream-like life, especially after only just leaving the nightmare?
The day dragged on so slowly after that, Liam felt as though he was constantly trying to move through a room filled waist deep in honey. When all of his family crammed themselves into his flat with the obvious intention of camping out until they were satisfied that he was alright, he let his mother and father wrap him up in suffocating hugs for hours at a time, and ignored his soft ring tone from between the layers of fabric. He knew it was Zayn, and he was not going to answer.
His mother said something about she'd always been scared that this level of success would lead to bad things-- Liam wanted to point out that people all over the world are tortured, raped, and murdered every day. He was locked in an uncomfortable room for a small chunk of time, and although other members of his band had been harmed, he had not, and had instead kissed and cuddled and proclaimed his ridiculous love for a boy. A boy with a girlfriend.
He excused himself to wash his hands, turned on the sink, and cried on the bathroom floor for five minutes, letting the way his life had altered extremely resonate in his chest. His own mother touched his arm as though she feared it would shatter. Liam imagined Zayn's father holding tight to the nape of Zayn's neck and look him hard in the eyes with a watery gaze. He felt a misplaced guilt low in the pit of his stomach when he imagined Perrie kissing Zayn hard and desperate.
Eventually, Liam splashed water across his cheeks and exited the bathroom, gaze low as he crawled back into the too-gentle arms of his parents. The conversation happened entirely in the kind of calculating whispers that made his skin itch. He longed for the casual infatuated way Zayn had spoken to him for the entire time they'd known each other, without fail and unwavering, completely void of pity for Liam which he was now being fed by the spoonful.
His parents occupied his guest room in the night, and the other members of his family that had taken time out of their days to come over spread out on the floor and couches. He offered to get them hotel rooms nearby, but it seemed like they thought only his bedroom belonged to him and him alone. The rest of this property was theirs to be occupied in order to look after him. He didn't say so aloud, but he'd felt more safe with Zayn in his arms the night before than his brother-in-law could ever make him feel by sleeping on the living room carpet.
"Perrie?" Liam grumbled, rubbing at his eyes. He checked the time on his watch and moaned; half three in the morning.
"He woke up in a cold sweat, mumbling about Jim... I don't know who Jim is, I just want him to stop crying. Please come over."
Liam's protective instincts kicked in and he scrambled out of bed. "I'll be there in five."
Careful not to wake up anybody scattered around his house, Liam pulled on a pair of shoes and a jacket, weaving around the floor on his toes. One of his police escorts followed him wordlessly down the stairs and opened the passenger side door of his squad car for Liam. He was the cop from the original car he and Zayn were driven to the station in, he realized, and without Liam saying anything about it, the officer went in the direction of Zayn's house. The way his knuckles turned white and his foot seemed to be made of lead, Liam was almost surprised that he hadn't turned on the siren.
When they pulled up outside, they both exited the car, and Liam buzzed up to Zayn's flat. Perrie let them in without saying anything in reply, and they rode up in the elevator in the sort of silence Liam had left back at his own flat.
Perrie opened the door before he could knock on the door, pushing her messy hair out of her face. She looked distressed, but stepped aside to let Liam in. The officer stayed behind, taking up a stance next to one of the other men outside, so she shrugged and shut the door.
The scene here was similar to the one at Liam's place, but with more children. Tiny bodies curled up on a sofa, and Liam could name all of them without thinking too hard about it. He'd been invited to the most intimate of family events, even some of the ones Perrie didn't even attend. He held these people's hands and prayed with them before meals. He carried these children on his shoulders. He kissed the boy in the other room hard and felt his worries melt away.
"He's on Twitter," Perrie whispered, leading the way, as though Liam didn't know his way around. "I told him not to, but he didn't listen." They paused outside the door, and Perrie cleared her throat awkwardly before turning her body towards the kitchen. "I'll just.. uh, calm him down, yeah? Hate seeing him like this."
Liam nodded, tugging off his jacket as he opened the bedroom door. The entire room was only illuminated by the screen of Zayn's phone. Curtains drawn tight, lights off, walls absorbing the light with their darkness. Liam kicked off his shoes as he shut the door after himself, then climbed into the bed next to Zayn, gently taking the phone from his hands.
Zayn grabbed onto Liam instead, arms wrapping tight around his waist, not at all afraid of breaking him. "You didn't text me back," Zayn pointed out.
"We're not doing this," Liam said. "Not with your mum in the next room-- not with.... not with Perrie in the next room, alright? I can't."
"Li," Zayn breathed. "I can't sleep without you."
"Take a pill," Liam replied, trying to sound like this didn't bother him at all. His own sleep had been restless and came in hour-long chunks with minutes of thought in between.
Zayn took in a shaky breath, arms moving off of Liam's body. "It's too hard for me. To look them in the eye and whatever else. I can't-- I can't take all the pity, Li. I wasn't-- I didn't die back there. But they're looking at me like I'm a ghost... they touch me like they're not sure if I'm real, like I'll disappear if they press too hard."
"I can't fix that," Liam pointed out, voice shaky and wrecked, because Zayn got it and probably will always just get it. "I can't make that better."
"You don't do that," Zayn continued, ignoring Liam. "Perrie won't even kiss me. Like she's scared of me-- but I know she isn't. She said your name like she knew. But she doesn't, or she wouldn't have called you. Didn't think she would."
"She said you were talking about Jim. You know what he did, then?"
Zayn shook his head. "I had a feeling about him. A... a not-bad feeling. Makes my skin itch, thinking about what's going to happen next. What did he do?"
"He called the police, Zee," Liam said, eyes staring intently into where he knew Zayn's to be. The darkness prevented him from seeing Zayn's real features, but he could imagine them all so well-- it was like it was daylight. "Always knew you were a bit psychic."
"I need to kiss you," Zayn said, ignoring the new information. "May I kiss you?"
"Kiss Perrie," Liam replied, in the sort of voice that could break anybody's heart.
Zayn placed two fingers under Liam's chin and pressed their lips together soft and damp. Liam kept his eyes open, searching for the truth in Zayn's image, even in the dark. This close, he could make out the flutter of Zayn's eyelashes, eyes shut gently.
"You," Zayn said when they parted lips. "I said I needed to kiss you, Liam."
"This isn't okay," Liam said, climbing out of the bed. "Please go to sleep. I'll see you at work."
Zayn was going to protest, and he could tell, so he collected his jacket and shoes and left the room, shutting the door quiet but firm behind him. His heart hurt with the kind of conflict that ends relationships and sends a person into a panic. The passion for Zayn outweighed the pain for Perrie, but it didn't lessen it in the slightest.
He ignored the tingle on his lips and the longing in his bones as he and officer climbed back into the car. He wondered how Zayn felt, how he planned on trying to make this work with Liam. How was he so ready to cheat on Perrie, lead her along, make her hurt like that? Or was it Liam he was playing for the fool? Emotional support and comfort didn't equate to infatuation, and although Liam felt all of those things with Zayn didn't mean that Zayn felt all of the same things.
"I know it's not my place," the officer said. "But you've got to give him a little bit of time. If you really love each other, he's going to do the right thing for you both. It'll work out in the end."
Liam nodded, staring out the window closest to him. "What about her? And the band? There's a lot of people we could be hurting."
"The world hurt you, and this beautiful thing came out of it, and you mean to tell me that hurt is entirely bad 100 percent of the time? You and I both know that every cloud has a silver lining. And if you didn't before, you certainly should know. He's that silver lining, right? You love him?"
"Yeah," Liam agreed. "I do."