Charlie
"Dit Da Jow?" Jax asked me as I placed the oil in my hands before rubbing it into my face. It had been a weird 72 hours. I hadn't spoken to him much after our fight the other morning. He had every right to question what was in my bag. I'm sure it did look like I was going to pick up and run from him. Given our history I understood why that was his first thought. Didn't make up for how much it hurt that he really thought that I would leave him and the boys.
"It heals bruises and helps with swelling and soreness." I told him. I looked over at him out of the corner of my eye. He was leaning against the doorframe in our bathroom, staring at me. His face read that he was sorry. I knew he was. I just didn't want to hear it anymore. I took in a breath before I spoke. Part of me didn't even want to bring up Alonzo but the other part of me realized that was the reason why we got into the fight in the first place. I was never ashamed about being with him. I loved him. He was a great guy who taught me who I was and still loved me for it. We were far better friends than we were lovers. We finally admitted that to each other after years of trying to force some great once in a lifetime passion between us. Jax was my greatest love- we both knew that.
"Alonzo gave it to me. I used to put it on him after he got into fights... then he used it on me when I started training." I told him. I held my breath waiting for him to say something, anticipating him to start another fight.
"I wish you had that years ago when you were putting packs of frozen peas on my face." He told me, giving me a small smile. I let out my breath and gave him one in return.
"Yeah it would have helped." I told him.
"Your face looks a lot better." He said. I nodded at his words. It was a lot better. The purple bruises were now blue and the blue ones were now a dark green. They were only a couple days away from being yellow and then they would be completely gone. Maybe I could put that horrific experience behind me once my body was healed. I pressed on my ribs and a hiss came out of my mouth. Still Tender... I told myself.
"Need help with your shower?" Jax asked me. I stood there for a second trying to figure out what to tell him. I wanted to say yes just so we could have sex and apologize to each other but I also didn't want to be in any more pain than I already was in. Sex probably would have been too much for me to handle right now.
"I can manage." I told him before carrying on with my normal morning routine: Shower, blow dry and style my hair, apply some make up. This morning I needed more makeup than I normally ever put on. I hated wearing makeup. It was a pain to me; Not to put it on because that came easy but to keep it looking the same all day. I touch my face all day without ever noticing. To have makeup on just doesn't work. I would be walking around with smudges and smears on my face before I would ever notice. I walked into the bedroom and found Jax sitting on the bed. He looked like he was lost in thought. We were both walking on eggshells around each other. Trying not to set the other one off. We still hardly spoke a word to each other. I was grateful for it because I didn't really know how to get back to where we were a couple weeks ago. I wanted more than anything to have a normal day with him. It seemed out of reach right now. Too much had happened for us to just hop back in our false reality.
"Gemma here?" I asked him. I knew she had to be. The boys were too quiet for her not to be. I just needed an excuse to talk to him.
"Yeah. She's here." He spoke up. I grabbed some black jeans from the dresser and slid them on. I looked up into the mirror of the dresser to see Jax staring at me.
"Why didn't you tell me about him?" He asked me. His voice was soft. He didn't want to fight about it and neither did I.
"I was planning on it. I just didn't, I honestly couldn't tell you why." I told him. There wasn't a particular reason why I didn't. I just didn't think it was anyone's business besides the two of us. To us it was just a chapter in our lives that we kept to ourselves.
"Maybe embarrassment?" I told him as I pulled on a black v neck shirt.
"We were better friends than we were a couple." I told him. Jax watched me intently hanging on to every word that I was saying. It was the complete opposite of what he was doing yesterday.
"We had just about called it quits when he met this girl. She was perfect for him and I could tell in his eyes that she turned his whole world. I was never that for him and he was never that for me." I said to him, I walked over to Jax and sat down on the bed next to him.
"I'm good friends with them. They got married- I was in the wedding. They had kids and they call me their kids' aunt for god's sake." I told him with a little chuckle.
"Your god daughters?" He questioned and I nodded at him.
"They're the two friends in New York?" He asked and I gave him another nod. I could tell in his eyes that he was piecing it together.
"Yeah." I said simply.
"Is he the skeleton you have in your closet?" He asked me and I let out slow puff of air. I wasn't sure if was ready to open that door just yet. The horrors that I had personally created- the violence. That wasn't who I wanted to be anymore.
"Yes and no..." I said slowly.
"I never loved him like I loved you. He never made my world spin. I just didn't feel like that was worth talking about." I finished. He gave me a slow nod and grabbed my hand in his. He kissed the back of my hand and closed his eyes.
"I would never leave you, Jax. I'm sorry you thought that." Jax shook his head at me. His blue eyes stared into mine. He still had sorry written on his forehead.
"I shouldn't have reacted like that. I think I just couldn't understand how he did a better job at protecting you than I did." He admitted to me. That broke my heart. I never once thought he would feel that way. It explained his rage yesterday. He wasn't mad at me. He was upset with himself. My hand left his and went to his face. I held his cheeks in my hands.
"You gotta stop making that your burden alone, Jax. I can help protect myself. That's how he did it. He taught me and then trusted that I would be okay. You just gotta do the same." I told him.
"I can't lose you Charlie." He told me and I nodded at him. I knew that. I knew of the evil he was capable of if he did.
"Then you won't. I'll be more cautious. I'll start carrying my gun with me, okay?" I asked him. He pulled away from me and rubbed his face with his hands.
"I gotta be more honest with you too. I should have told you that we were on bad terms with the Irish. It's been hard for me to unlearn what not to tell you and what to tell you. Tara was so picky on when she wanted to know." He told me.
"Tell me like I'm a member." I told him. That was the easiest I could put it to him.
"I couldn't ask Alonzo what was going on for obvious reasons. I had to wait for him to tell me. I guess I was just waiting for you to do the same. This is on me too." I said.
"Yeah."He gave me a small smile before he leaned forward and kissed my lips. It was light gentle kiss but it was still more than we had done in the past week.
"We good?" I asked him and he answered with another kiss. This was longer, passionate even. His hand grabbed the back of my neck while he kissed me and my hand held his wrist.
"As long as I'm good with you." He said against my lips. I smiled and gave him another peck. Even when I was mad at him there wasn't a man in this world that I loved more than him. I left Jax alone in the room to shower and get ready for the day. Walking into the living room I saw Gemma sitting in the couch feeding Thomas while Abel was on the floor playing with his race cars.
"Morning." Gemma said to me.
"You look a hell of a lot better." She told me. I knew my bruises were better but I also knew that the makeup made me look like I was somewhat normal.
"Thanks." I told her.
"Abel..."I sang softly to him while I walked behind him. He turned around with a smile coming to his face.
"Momma!" He said as he caught up from the floor and charged after me. I bent down with open arms and he ran into them. I kissed his head rubbing his back.
"You sleep okay?" I asked him and he shook his head.
"I had a bad dream that didn't come home." He told me, looking at me. His hand touched my face. I kissed his hand lightly and smiled. He had been having a recurring nightmare that I died since the night that I came home. On the mornings that I felt okay enough to get out of bed I had to reassure him that I was alright and safe. He had even snuck into our bed a few nights.
"I'll always come back home to you, remember ?"I asked him and he nodded at me.
"Promise?"He asked holding out his pinky to me. I gave him a grin, hooking my pinky around his and then bringing my thumb up to kiss it.
"Pinky promise." I told him. I leaned into Jax when I felt his hand on my head and his legs behind me.
"I have to go to the clubhouse." He told me.
"Happy's outside. Call me if you need anything. I should be back in a couple hours." He said and I nodded.
"We'll be here." I told him as Abel gave me another hug. From what I could remember this would be the first time that he left me at home since I had been back from the Irish. I had been pretty out of it due to the pain meds but I always remembered Jax's presence. He left for a while to kill Oliver I assumed. He hadn't told me what he did or if he did it but I also knew that I shouldn't ask about that.
"Glad to see you two back on the same page." Gemma said once she heard the door close. I gave her a humorous laugh as Abel brought me some cars to play with.
"He gets in his head too much." She said to me, I was well aware of that. If he would actually talk to me about what was going on in that head of his instead of keeping it one giant secret I could probably sort out the chaos that was in there.
"You know he was a mess when you two broke up." She started. I rolled my eyes to myself knowing that she was going to give me some speech to try to get me to see things from his point of view.
"And when Tara..." She whispered to me.
"I thought he had finally snapped. I didn't think I would get this version of my son back." I turned my head to look up at her on the couch.
"I'm just glad you stayed and that you're safe." She finished telling me. I figured that my resting face told her to get to the point. I turned back around to Abel, running the toy car on the ground like he was doing.
"When we first started dating I told him to read Shakespeare. I figured he would like it as much as I did. I didn't expect him to make his life like a Shakespearean Play. Full of death and some glimpses of life. The self loathing... I'll love him through anything. I don't know how else to get him to understand that. I can't and won't leave again." I told her. Gemma was quiet for a while. It was rare that Gemma didn't know what to say.
"Just keep doing what you're doing. Loving these boys and him. He'll put it together." I hated when she was right. All she had done since I came to Charming was make me eat my own words. She fought for me even when I wasn't.
"Why me over the other's Gemma?" I asked her. I heard her let out a hard sigh.
"They weren't a good fit. I told you that." She said. I turned to look at her again.
"You weren't crazy about me when when I was a teenager. You didn't think I was a good fit either" I told her.
"Yeah well I thought you were going to pull him away from the club when y'all were that young." She said.
"You were a good girl. Your upbringing was completely different than his. Thought he was just a phase for you. Your parents thought the same. But you two were hell bent on being with each other. Y'all were like damn magnets. No amount of distance was going to keep you away from each other. It wasn't until I actually got to know you that I found out you were a lot like me when JT and I got together." She said, shaking her head while she thought back on her past.
"Nothing beats your first love. I could see that in you, I still can. Jax is it for you. There's no amount of searching that you could do to recreate that kind of love. I thought only women felt that shit. But I've watched Jax try and to recreate that kind of love over the years. None of them were like you. That's why it's you over the others." She told me. I hoped she was telling the truth and this wasn't some game she was trying to play. I needed the reassurance before I got deeper into this family. I smiled at Abel when he called me. I drug the toy car over the racing tracks like he was doing. I smiled and laughed with him when his car beat mine. I heard my phone go off and took it out of my pocket.
"Shit." I said as I read the text that popped up on the screen.
"What?" She asked and I sighed.
"Alonzo is coming tomorrow. I completely forgot." I told her.
"Who?" She asked me. Of course she didn't know who i was talking about or why it was such bad timing for him to come down.
"The guy we were fighting about the other day. He has an appointment tomorrow." I said. I listened to Gemma clicked her tongue before she gave me a humorous laugh.
"Shit is right, Sweetheart. You better not let Jax know. If there's anything between you and that guy you better squash it now or Jax might start a war with the Italians." She told me. I let out a puff of air and rolled my eyes. There was nothing between me and Alonzo. I just had to trick Jax into letting me go to work tomorrow. I didn't know how I was going to do that without telling him the real reason why I needed it. I didn't want to push off this appointment any longer. I hadn't spoke to Alonzo since I moved here. When he found out that I was opening a shop up here he wanted to be my client but I lied and told him that my books were already full. The only reason why I agreed with to this was because he didn't give me a choice. He wanted to check to make sure I was alive.
-
Jax had been gone longer than he said he would be. He had been gone the whole day long enough for me to be going through the boys night time routine. I was completely anxious for him to come home. Mainly because of what I had to tell him but also because I hadn't heard from him much. He usually would have called to check in by now or even shot me a quick text. Maybe he just wanted to give me space and let me have my alone time with the boys. I didn't take the time for grated. I enjoyed it just being the three of us for the last half of the day and I think they did too. I was able to watch all three Lion King movies with Abel and Thomas. Abel enjoyed it more than Thomas did. Gemma had let Thomas sleep a little too long and he had all this bent up energy. The last thing he wanted to do was sit still for a movie let alone three of them. I eventually won him over with cuddles. I had just gotten both boys bathed and dressed for bed when I heard the familiar roar of an engine coming down the street. I was putting socks on Thomas's feet when Jax walked into the room. He said his greetings to both boys then he walked over to me and placed a kiss on my lips.
"Sorry I've been gone so long."He told me before he gave me another kiss.
"It's fine. I enjoyed my day with the boys."I told him. I turned my focus back on Thomas. I smoothed out his hair giving him a smile once I saw his.
"Club stuff?"I asked him.
"Yeah... Just a lot going on." He told me. I took my bottom lip in my mouth, biting down on it. I had been so worried about how late it was getting without him being home that I had pushed aside my anxiety on what I had to talk to him about. Now that he was home all that was starting to resurface.
"Wanna catch some air after we put the boys to bed?" I asked him. My back was still to him when he answered.
"Sure." He said. I picked up Thomas in my arms but soon handed him off to Jax when he heard the gasp that came out of me.
"You're not suppose to be lifting. You still have a broken rib, Charlie." He said to me, I rolled my eyes at him but I knew he was right. That was another reason why I didn't like taking the pain meds. I felt too good and I knew I would do something strenuous and hurt myself even more. I walked over to the oversized chair in Thomas' room. A wide smile came to my lips when I saw Abel walk into the room. He climbed up in the chair with me, nestling himself into my side. I watched as Jax started to sway slowly with Thomas in his arms.
"The ship, it swayed, heave ho, heave ho, On the dark and stormy blue..." I sang lowly to them. It always amazed me how this was still the only song that worked for them. I still couldn't sing anything else in replacement for it. Before the second chorus the boys were already asleep. Jax put Thomas into his bed then made his way to Abel. I gave a kiss to Abel's head before Jax scooped him up in his arm his arms.
"Night momma." Abel said to me with a yawn.
"Night baby." I responded as I followed them to his room next door. I watched Jax tuck him in bed and then gave Abel a kiss before he came out into the hallway with me.
"You're pretty good at this mom thing."He told me with a smile. I returned it immediately. I hoped that I was excelling in that. I wanted nothing more than to make those boys happy.
"You still want to catch some air?" He asked me and I nodded. The knots in my stomach had once again subsided but were now brought back. I followed him out onto the patio of the back yard. I watched as he took out a pack of cigarettes. He offered me one but I wavered it off.
"That bad, huh?" He said and I gave him a questioning look.
"You never smoke when you have something serious to say. You only smoke when I gotta get something off my chest." He said with the cigarette between his lips. That couldn't have been true.
"That's a lie."I told him as I sat down on the chairs we had on the patio.
"Whatever you say, Darlin'" He said to me as he lit his cigarette.
"You wanna start?" He asked me and I shook my head. I watched as he took in a long drag and let it out slowly.
"I owe you an apology Charlie." He said and I sighed. I still didn't want to hear it. I didn't want it.
"I know that all I've been doing is apologizing to you but I really do mean it." He said to me and I leaned my head back into the chair.
"I know you do." I told him.
"I'm just tired of hearing it. You never used to apologize to me." I told him and he chuckled taking another drag.
"Maybe I should have." He told me and I rolled my eyes at him. At least he was smiling and making jokes. He was still in a good mood.
"You know... as much as you've apologized I'm still worried that you'll try to push me away." I told him. I glanced over at him and he was watching my every more. He pushed his brows together as he breathed in the smoke.
"I'm done trying to push you away."He said to me holding the cigarette inbetween his fingers.
"If I had known back then that breaking up with you would just send you to the mafia I would've just let you stay." He said and I let out another sigh.
"Not this again, Jax-" I started but he cut me off.
"I mean it Charlie. I truly did it because I thought I was keeping you safe. If I knew how capable you were of handling yourself. I wouldn't have done it. Which is why I'm done trying to get you to leave. I'm done trying to push you out of Charming- from me. I asked you stay this time and you did. If you want this family then it's yours. It's always been yours." He told me. My heart swelled in my chest hearing him say those words. He finally understood what I wanted.
"Of course I want that." I told him. He smiled at me like he knew something that I didn't. He leaned over and gave me a kiss. He smoothed the end on the cigarette into the ashtray that was sitting on the table in front of us. He started to stand up and I let out a sigh knowing that I had pushed off this conversation for as long as I could.
"My turn." I told him. He tilted his head at me and then chuckled while he sat down.
"I knew you had something you wanted to say." He told me. I chewed on my lip while I thought about the best way to word this.
"Alonzo texted me today..." I said slowly.
"He has an appointment tomorrow at the Black Rose. He's had it for awhile. Just with everything that has been goin on I forgot." I told him.
"Are you ready to go back to work?" He asked me and I gave him a shrug.
"I would only want to do Alonzo. I don't think I could do it all day." I told him.
"Could you reschedule him?" He asked and I shook my head slowly.
"Not really. I mean I could but I've been fucking him around with this appointment. He's worried about me. It's more of him checking on me than him wanting a tattoo."I said. I watched as he sat on my words. It looked like he really took them in and thought about what he was going to say.
"We're just friends, Jax. I promise you." I told him hoping that last bit would win him over.
"Okay." He said simply.
"I trust you. But I want Chibs to go with you. If this guy tries anything I will have Chibs put a bullet in him." He told me. I shivered at his words. Just the thought of something happening to Alonzo and leaving his family behind saddened me.
"I mean it Charlie. I want Chibs to follow your every move even to the bathroom. I need you to take this seriously. You said to treat you like a member when it comes to stuff like this so I'm going to try. But that also means listening to me. " He told me. I nodded at him. I couldn't help the smile that was slowly starting to creep onto my face. He was finally getting what I had been trying to tell him after all of these years. It suddenly made all the pain and heartache worth it. I kicked my feet up on the table and handed my hand out for a cigarette and the lighter. Jax gave me a laugh, proving his point that I only smoke when I'm relaxed. I gave him the middle finger while I lit the cigarette and took in a drag then blew it out. I let my eyes look him over. I started with his hair then down until I reached his cut. I read over each worn patch that was stitched into the leather.
"Does this mean I'm your VP, Mr. President?" I asked him with a grin. He looked at me, smiled and then shook his head no.
"You're my President. I'm just the VP telling my President what's going on and asking for advice." He told me which in return only made me smile that much harder. I reached over to touch his face and let my fingers run through his beard. I really hated that I was still hurting enough to stay away from sex. I wanted it- needed it with him. From the look in his eye he felt the same way. I let out a lungful of smoke out slowly, earlier today I thought it would be impossible for us to get back to the imperfect reality that we had created but here we were already back in it.