As I've said before, this story is based on a song. And I will reveal which one soon...
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The last couple of days Dakota have been planning her own funeral.
She told me exactly what she wanted it to look like, what kind of food she wanted people to eat after the ceremony and who she wanted to invite. I tried being a good husband and listen, but listening to her talking about her funeral was awful. It's just not right for a 28 year old to plan her own freaking funeral.
Mum had gone back to Mullingar, but we would go down there next week with the kids. Then Dakota wanted to throw a "going away" party in her own honour. She has started to tell people now, and everyone came up to me to tell me how sorry they were. All I could do was smile and thank them.
It was Friday night and the kids were watching cartoons in the living room. We were about to tell them, even though none of them would understand. I mean how do you tell a 5 year old and a 2 year old that their mum won't come back?
Dakota squeezed my hand, took a deep breath before we stepped into the room. I turned off the TV and we sat down in the couch. Dakota took Taylor into her arms; meanwhile Jamie was determined to turn the TV back on. Eventually I had to hold him still.
"Mommy and daddy got something to tell you." Dakota started off, looking at our kids.
The lump in my throat was unbearable.
"It's something big, so I need you to stay quiet until I say you can talk, okay?" She continued, looking mostly at Jamie. He nodded and Taylor just started playing with Dakota's necklace.
"From now on, you will live here only with daddy. I have to leave and... I won't come back. Because I'm sick and the only doctors that can help me are those who are in heaven. They're going to cure me, but once I step through Pearly Gates I can't return. Daddy will take care of you and I need you to promise me to take care of him too, okay? It's only going to be you three living here now and even though I won't be around, you need to brush your teeth and eat your vegetables. Not at the same time." She said with a weak smile, looking at Jamie.
"This doesn't mean mommy don't love you." I said. "She loves you very, very much. But we want her to get better, don't we?"
Jamie nodded. Taylor didn't seem to understand what we were talking about. I wasn't sure Jamie understood either.
"Can't you go to the normal doctor?" Jamie asked. "He's good."
"Mr Parker can only help you when you're sick. This is an incurable sickness."
I gulped and my throat was hurting from the lump that was stuck there.
Jamie then crawled over to her and took her hand.
"Mommy?"
"Yes, sweetie?"
"Are you going to die?"
Dakota looked up at me. Her eyes were glossy and her voice was shaking when she answered:
"I'm going to heaven."
Jamie slowly nodded and his little hand disappeared inside of hers.
"Can I come with you?" He asked.
Dakota let out a small laugh and kissed his head.
"No baby, you need to stay here with daddy and T."
"Okay. But before you leave, can we go to the zoo?"
Once again, Dakota looked up at me.
"Of course." She smiled. "Only if we go to the zoo in Mullingar."
***
We had left the kids with Dakota's parents for the night. It was time for Dakota's "going away" party, and I wasn't even surprised when she said where she wanted it to take place. Of course she wanted to say goodbye on her favourite grass hill.
Sebastian and Zachary had helped me put up lights and temporary furniture. Dakota was in charge of the guest list.
Around me I could see our closest friends. Sebastian and his girlfriend Molly were sitting down on a bench with Zach and Erin. Lucy was talking to Dakota. Her cousin Lucas was standing by one of the table, pouring up drinks in cups, and Bella helped him hand them out. Ben and Ashleigh were here too, and they were standing with Caroline, talking about the charity project. My old co-worker Gabe from the restaurant was standing next to me, sipping on his drink.
"How are you holding up?" He asked me.
"I'm not." I admitted. "But I'm trying not to show it, because it would only make things worse. She's weak and doesn't need to see me weak too."
"I remember your wedding. She was dancing like a maniac at the reception afterwards and I don't even think she was drunk. That's why I wasn't surprised to hear about this party. Not many people would take the time to throw a goodbye party, but of course Dakota would." He smiled.
"Yeah, she really is something special. She said she doesn't want people to cry and grief just yet. She wants them to remember her as happy and strong."
Then Dakota started asking people to sit down on the chairs and blankets. Apparently she wanted to either make a toast or hold a speech.
"Thank you all for coming down here tonight. It really means a lot to me." She started off. "This hill has always been some kind of escape for me. Throughout my teenage years, I often came here to clear my head. This was also the spot I took Niall to on our first date."
Everyone turned to look at me, with smiles on their faces.
"That was nine years ago." She smiled, locking eyes with me. "And that's why I wanted to have this party here. To celebrate life and getaways."
She raised her cup to make a toast, but I could tell she was faking her smile. Any second tears would stream down her face, and I wanted to stop it from happening. So I quickly made my way over to her, placing an arm around her.
"In high school, I never picture any of this to happen." I began. "I never thought I'd move out at the age of nineteen, getting married at the age of twenty-one, having our first kid at the age of twenty-two. And I definitely didn't expect to be standing here, at the age of almost twenty-eight... saying goodbye to her."
I glanced down at Dakota, who buried her face into the crook of my neck.
"Throughout the years, people have told me we're too young. We're too young for marriage and we're too young to be parents. Some people actually told me that marrying young would be the end of my freedom. But it wasn't. Marrying young has been one of the best decisions I've ever made. I still enjoyed going to bars, or dancing in clubs. Then at 2am I would stumble back home with her and we would eat pizza in our underwear. When I was nineteen I knew I wanted to kiss those lips every morning, and every night before we fell asleep, for the rest of my life. So to all those people who told me we were too young, all I can say is that they're wrong. If you see marriage as the end of your freedom, you're doing it wrong."
"I'll drink to that." Sebastian said, making people laugh.
"And a special thanks to you and Zach, who pushed me into asking her out in the first place." I said, also raising my cup.
"You were practically drooling every time you saw her in the hallways." Zach laughed.
"I lost count on how many times I caught her staring at him as well!" Bella joined in.
"Oh really?" I grinned, looking down at Dakota.
She was blushing by now, covering her face with her hands.
"And Dakota, even though you don't want us to be all sappy and miserable, this is a party in your honour." Lucy announced, smiling a bit. "I'd say we go around and everyone has to say one thing they love the most about you."
"Please don't." Dakota looked up.
"I think that's a great idea." I agreed.
"I'll go first." Caroline said. "I love your big heart and how you're always nice to everyone."
"I love your jokes, even though some of them are really bad." Lucas said.
"I love your contagious laugh." Ashleigh said, leaning into Ben.
"I love how you always wants the best for everyone." Ben said, smiling.
"I love the silly dances you do at parties." Molly said.
"What do you mean silly?" Dakota defended herself, barely able to hold back her laugh.
"I love how carefree you are. Like seriously, nothing can bring you down." Sebastian said, dramatically gesturing with his hands so he almost spilled out Molly's drink.
"I was also going to say the dancing part." Gabe chuckled. "And your husband would kill me if I said I like your body."
"Watch it, Gabe." I said, trying to sound serious but probably failed miserably.
"That's why I'm going to say that I admire your patience. It must be hard having three kids to take care of." He grinned.
People laughed and I started to walk over to him to mess with him a bit, but Dakota giggled and held me back.
"I'm with Sebastian. I love how chill you are with everything. Not a single care in the world." Zach said, raising his cup to her.
"I love the way you've changed so many peoples lives." Erin said, looking at me for a second while smiling. "You've achieved your goal, Dakota. You made the world a better place."
In the corner of my eye I could see her tearing up again, and she wrapped her arms around my torso.
"I love our memories the most. Do you remember that time we were at my grandparents place and you accidentally broke my nana's vase?" Lucy laughed.
"Note accidentally." Dakota pointed out.
And now it was only her best friend Bella and I left to say something, in Dakota's honour. Everyone turned to look at Bella, apparently giving me the last word. But Bella seemed to be having a hard time dealing with this. She was quietly sobbing and refused to look up.
Eventually Zach walked over to her, wrapping her up in a hug. Despite their earlier on/off relationship, he still cared about her a lot.
"I'm sorry for crying, Dakota, but it's impossible to name one thing I love about you. I love all the things everyone has said, and I love that you've been like a sister to me for over ten years. I just love you and I can't believe this is happening."
Dakota quickly walked over to her friend and they hugged for quite a while. Erin came over to me, probably noticing how close I was to crying as well.
"You'll be fine, Niall. Remember that."
Dakota and I made eye contact from a distance, and everyone looked at me.
"I love your voice, because it makes me feel safe."