"So I'm sorry to my unknown lover
Sorry that I can't believe that anybody ever really
Starts to fall in love with me."
- Sorry x Halsey
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Anisha looked out to the ocean. The blue, salty waves smashed against the ocean. The morning was cool and misty. And quiet.
The beach was fairly empty and the pier wouldn't be open for another two hours.
She liked the calamity, the quietness. It was soothing, it was nice. She let the cool winds surround her.
Anisha let out a small laugh as she rubbed her nose. It was cold, cold by the sea shore. She felt good. She didn't have to worry about anything. She tried not to worry about anything.
She just watched as the waves splattered against the sand.
"Anisha? Hey."
She looked up, smiling as Sebastian sat down next to her.
"I'm sorry I'm late. I fell asleep early last night and I just your text this morning." He gave her a tight smile, worry slowly filling his eyes as he stared at her pale face.
He reached out, letting his hand brush the hair out of her face. He pressed his hand against her warm forehead. He always did this. Every time she would see him, even if it wasn't for a doctor's appointment, he'd always still check everything about her. "Do you still have a fever?"
Anisha quickly looked away. Sebastian already knew the answer to the question. But still, it hurt. Because he was the only one who had truly cared about her.
And she, she had broken his heart.
"Yes, and I've been having bone pains a lot lately. Not to mention, I feel tired all the time. Sometimes, it's hard for me to even stay awake. It's like I can't sleep enough. All I want to do is sleep. But I took painkillers this morning. The night sweats are getting worse, I woke up last night. The pain in my stomach is killing me and I already had two nosebleeds just this morning." She smiled, pathetically. Her eyes were focused the waves, the heavy ocean roared against the sand.
He was watching her. And she was watching the waves.
Sebastian reached out, taking her hand in his. He gave her hand a small squeeze, trying to convince her that she'd be fine, that she'd get better.
"Isn't it funny how fast life just happens?" Anisha bit her lip, looking back at him. She tried to keep her voice light, but the pain hidden in her voice was obvious.
"I mean, it feels like just yesterday, when we were in college and you brought me to the pier for the first time."
She looked at him, only him, his eyes already set on her.
His bright green eyes still held a boyish glint to them. And looking at him, his morning hair, his bright eyes, his sharp face, Anisha knew how easy it would be fall in love with him.
He cared, he always cared. He just had. It was something she had taken for granted.
But broken people, they weren't supposed to fall in love. She wasn't supposed to fall in love. She couldn't fall in love, not now. She didn't want to lead him on. She didn't want to break his heart, again.
So she looked away. She looked out to the ocean.
"We were so young, and foolish." Anisha looked down, picking at her chipped nails. It was one of the reasons she hated wearing nail polish, she'd end up picking on it. Mira had painted her nails for her, a light blue. Anisha had gone along with it, knowing that later she'd end up picking or biting her nails.
"Yea, but we were happy. Not to mention, I also spent twenty dollars just buying you cotton candy." Sebastian poked her playfully, offering her a small grin.
He just wanted to see her smile. In her last few days, he wanted her to smile, to laugh.
He wanted her to be the eighteen-year-old girl he'd easily fallen in love with, the girl he'd always been in love with.
Sebastian still hadn't told her about her latest blood test results. He didn't want to either. He had been meaning to call her but he hadn't found the courage to do so.
"It was like two bags. I was hungry and I really like the pink cotton candy." A small smile danced on her lips. She intertwined her hand with his, scooting a little closer to him.
"You didn't even share. You ate both bags by yourself." He smirked as she glared up at him. His playful smile slowly faded as he stared at her current state.
She wasn't the eighteen-year-old girl anymore.
No, she was different.
She was older, older and sadder.
The weight loss was evident. Everything about her was frail, too pale and too empty. Her wrists were thin, her fingers were bony, her face was exhausted.
Anisha quickly looked away, diverting her gaze back to the ocean. He could see right through her, she knew that.
"Everything was so easy back then." Anisha tried to stop the wobble in her voice. She pulled the jacket sleeves over her hands, it was cold. And she wanted to hide her scars.
She just wanted to say goodbye. And then go home, to sleep.
She glanced at Sebastian from the corner of her eyes. She was afraid of the answer but she asked anyway.
"How long do I have left?" Her voice was barely audible. It was soft, filled with sorrow.
She wasn't sure if she even wanted to know. She didn't. But she did.
"Fuck Anisha. I don't know."
She watched as he rubbed the light stubble on his chin. Almost in irritation.
His green eyes darted back to her. They held so much care for her, she could see that. She hadn't always but now she did.
Anisha tightened her hold on his hand. She wanted an answer. "I think you do know. Tell me Sebastian. What is it? Another week, a month or two at the most?"
"They're just estimates Anisha. I can't tell you an exact date. You can't count on these kinds of things. It's just an estimate. Maybe you'll get lucky." Sebastian rubbed his eyes, they were already red and glassy. "And maybe you won't."
"It's far more severe than we'd originally thought. It's far too aggressive and it's uncontrollable." His voice cracked, a small sob filled his words.
Sebastian quickly buried his face in his hands. He didn't want to her to see him cry. Especially, since he was supposed to be strong, for her.
"I know."
Anisha looked out to the ocean again.
And then she looked over to the pier. She'd first come there with Sebastian. Then Andrew. Then her kids.
Here she was, one final time.
"You need to tell him Anisha. He deserves to know."
"I know. And I will."
She didn't want to tell Andrew. But she had to.
Anisha shrugged before she smiled and looked back at Sebastian. She leaned over, resting her head against his shoulder. He wrapped his arm around her as she closed her eyes, letting the morning breeze calm her.
Sebastian played with her hair, twirling the short strands of hair. He smiled faintly, holding her as closely as he possible could.
"Anisha?"
She opened her eyes, looking back at him. His lips were inches from her, his nose brushed against hers. Her eyes, dull and faded.
"I love you." He pushed the hair out of her face and looked at her, only her. He just needed to tell her. His voice was soft, but it was filled with hints of regret. He just wished he had told her sooner. He wished he'd loved her sooner. "Anisha, I really love you."
He cupped her face in his hands, brushing away any stray tears with his thumb. He let his thumb graze against her soft but warm cheeks. "God damn it Anisha, I love you. I still fucking love you."
Sebastian quickly stood up, pushing her away. She wasn't his. As much as he wished she was, she just wasn't his. He'd lost her a long time ago. But he just wanted to tell her, tell her that he still loved her.
He kicked at the sand, sending small bits of sand flying all around.
"I just need to tell you. I know it doesn't change anything. And maybe, maybe I should've told you before. I wish I told you before. But then you were so happy with him. And I couldn't take that away from you."
Sebastian looked out to the ocean, his own regrets surrounding him.
"I never got over you, I never got over us. Of all the mistakes I've ever made, leaving you was the one I'll never forgive myself for."
He turned around a little, just enough to face her. His heart ached as she stared at him, tears streaming down her face.
Sebastian let out a heavy sigh. He could remember the last time she'd stood in front of him, crying, begging him to not leave, to not break her heart.
"I love you, Anisha. I loved you, I still love you. And I'll always love you."
He chocked down a sob, closing his eyes as a heavy tear slid down his cheek. "I don't want to lose you."
"But I think I did, a long time ago." He kicked the sand again as he mumbled a sorry, hiding the fact that he was on the tip of tears. "And I'm sorry for that."
Anisha slowly stood up, making sure she wasn't dizzy. His hands immediately wrapped around her, holding her steady.
He was standing so close to her.
She could see the reflection of the wavy ocean in his eyes. But she could also see the concern, and the love. She took his face in his hands, gently caressing his cheeks.
"I'm sorry." And she was, for every single thing she'd ever done.
His eyes held far too much intensity for her. In a way, he was the only one who was begging her to live. To just try and live.
"I loved you. I did." Her voice was soft and gentle. The wind blew her tears away, leaving her nose cold and her cheeks rosy.
She let her gaze wander to his lips. Anisha let her finger brush against his lower lip.
She watched as his lips parted slightly, his hold on her tightened as he pulled her closer. For a second, she was almost frozen. He was looking at her, like she had always wanted to be looked at.
"Anisha?"
Anisha closed her eyes, listening to the sound of the waves. And she slowly leaned in, placing her dry lips against his.
She shut him up before he could say another word. And she begged him to show that he still did love her.
His lips were soft, synched against hers. They held affection for her, care. She could taste the peppermint chap stick he always wore. And she could feel every bit of emotion he'd ever felt for her, poured into that kiss.
The kiss was short, short and sweet, his lips moving softly against hers. Sebastian slowly pulled away, his arms still wrapped around her and her arms around his neck. He rested his forehead against hers, her eyes still closed.
She could feel his hot breath, brushing against her lips. She slowly opened her eyes, taking her time and letting her blurry vision focus on him.
"I loved you too, Sebastian." Anisha gently placed her hand on his chest, right above his heart. "For what it's worth, for whatever it's worth, I really did love you. Even if it was a long time ago."
"I don't know if it changes anything but I did. I really did love you, a long time ago." Anisha shook her head, looking at her hand placed right above where his heart was beating. "Everything that happened, none of this is your fault. We didn't work out back then. And we wouldn't have worked out now."
"We're too different, Sebastian. We wanted different things in life. But I loved you, I really did."
Anisha gently pulled away, wanting to sit back down on the bench as a sharp pain pierced her stomach. She smiled as she looked out to the ocean. The sun was starting to shine, the mist slowly disappearing.
"You were the first guy I ever fell in love with." She bit her lip, suppressing a painful laugh as he sat down next to her. The corners of his lips slowly twitched upwards.
"Literally, the day my mom dropped me off at college, she warned me to stay away from boys like you. And boys like Andrew." Her smile slowly faded and she looked away. "Because boys just go around breaking hearts."
She sucked on her lips, welling herself not to cry. Anisha reached for his hand again, holding his hand in hers.
"But you're not that kind of guy Sebastian. You're the sweet kind, the kind of guy every girl dreams about. I just never saw that."
"Yea huh? Good guys always finish last, I guess." Sebastian leaned back, rubbing the back of his neck. Regret surrounded him. And so did heartbreak.
"And good girls end up broken, like me."
He looked back at Anisha, with pity as she continued staring, looking everywhere but at him.
"Stop Anisha, you've let your insecurities and fears ruin your life." He gave her hand a small squeeze, her wedding band pressing against him as he swallowed the bitterness.
She wasn't his.
"You care too much about what people think about you. And you're biggest problem is that you're always focused on other people. It's always what other people want, what makes everyone else happy. You are your last priority."
"After Nicole got sick, I treated you like shit. Yet, all the fucking time, you still tried to make things better between us. If I hadn't broken up with you, you'd still be trying to fix things between us." He smiled, pathetically, in pain. He wished he hadn't ended things with her. It was the only thing he wished for.
"I let you go because I didn't want to hurt you anymore than I already had. You deserved better. Even if better was someone else, someone that wasn't me." Sebastian shrugged. It had been done. He loved her, enough to let her go. Otherwise, he would've ruined her. "You still deserve better."
"But it isn't that easy." Her heart pricked, an inconsolable sadness filling her. "I've always tried to be good enough. I've spent my entire life trying to prove I was good enough. And all I've ever wanted is to show that I'm the kind of girl who can keep a guy. But I'm not, I'm really not."
"But I don't blame you. Of all people, Sebastian, I couldn't blame you. You did nothing wrong." Anisha shook her head, trying to push the regret and distress away. She wished she'd loved him instead.
God, did she wish she'd fallen back in love with Sebastian.
Because Sebastian was, in every way, the better she'd deserved. And then, again, it was all her fault. It was her fault because she hadn't realized that before, she hadn't realized she deserved better because nothing had been more important than making things work with Andrew.
"After you left, I tried focusing on school. I slowly got over it, I mean, me and you, we just didn't last. And then, everything with Andrew, it just happened. I thought it was love." Anisha blew out a puff of air, hiding the tremble in her voice. "Maybe I don't know what love is."
"Hell, what do I even know about love?"
Anisha shook her head, vigorously. She was trying to convince herself otherwise.
"But I do know, I've always cared too much. I've always cared too much about everyone else. I've always tried too hard. I've always tried to be person everyone else expected me to be. I don't know."
Anishapressed her lips together, almost as if she didn't want to say anything anymore. She focused her eyes back on the ocean, following the waves that painted the sand.
"I just don't know what love is. But heartbreak? More than anything, I know what heartbreak is."
She smiled, faintly, taking in the happy world around her.
"After you left, I was all alone. I guess a part of me hated you. I hated you for leaving and I hated you for being the first person to break my heart. But I got over it. I really did."
"You came back two semesters later and we were friends again. I liked that. You've been the best friend that I always needed. You've always been there, for me."
"And then I got engaged to Andrew. I though it was love." She snorted, the awkward sound was heartbreaking.
All that was left was for her to talk about the past. It was the only time she'd been loved.
"Then Andrew fucked me over." Anisha looked at Sebastian, he was already looking at her.
"And then once again, I fucked you over."
His green eyes held a puzzle for her, bright and sharp. But they were weary. Almost as if he was blaming her for not giving them another chance.
"I played with your heart. I kissed you, I almost slept with you. And then I acted like it never happened." She tightened her hold on his hand, her bony fingers pressing onto his strong hand. "I played with your heart, Sebastian. I gave you hope and then I broke your heart, all over again."
Sebastian held her hand, wishing he could just go back in time. To fix his own mistakes.
"Anisha, just stop. Stop blaming yourself. None of this is your fucking fault. It's never been your fault. I just wanted to tell you that I still love you. I may never get the chance ever again and I needed to tell you while I could."
"You, Anisha, are the kind of girl everyone wants." His heart was aching. He could feel his heart shattering into pieces. "You're the kind of girl I want. And with every fucking thing I have, I wish I'd never let you go."
Anisha shook her head, pleading with him to stop making this harder for her. This is why she had almost gone back to bed this morning instead of coming out to the beach to meet him.
Goodbye, saying it was too far. Too fucking hard.
"Do you know what my biggest regret is?"
She had many regrets. Many mistakes and regrets that she'd accumulated throughout the years. But there was one thing that she regretted the most.
The way things had ended between them. That's what she regretted, more than anything.
"I wish I had given you a second chance. There were so many times, so many chances. I wish I had taken them." Anisha bit her lip, smiling, trying to keep her lips from quavering.
"Sebastian, we, me and you, just didn't work out. None of it was your fault. And it's not my fault. But I really am sorry for leading you on, especially after I was married."
"What we had, it meant the world to me. The way you made me feel, when I was eighteen, so young, naïve, and so fucking foolish. But it meant the world to me. It really did." She let go of his hand, of the past they'd shared. Once and for all. "I loved you, Sebastian Knight. I really did."
"But you need to let me go."
"You need to let me go." She looked back at him. His dark black hair, bright eyes, sharp jaw. She'd loved him, a long time ago. And he deserved better.
"You've always been there. You've seen me at my worst, and my best. And you loved me either way. I wish I'd realized that sooner. Maybe then things would've turned out different. But still, I'm thankful, Sebastian, for having someone like you in my life."
Anisha let out a small sniffle, trying to hold down her cries. She'd fallen apart enough, numerous times, especially in front of him.
"But you need to move on. You'll find better, someone much better than me. And she, she'll love you better than I ever could. But just don't forget me?" She nodded, her eyes glistening with tears. "Yea? Just remember I existed? That some girl named Anisha loved you, a long time ago."
She let a shaky breath as she took in every bit of him, for the last time.
"You're kidding Anisha. How the fuck will I ever forget you? It's been twenty years and I haven't even found anything close to what we had." Sebastian ran a hand over his face, his eyes swollen and his heart heavy.
He tugged on his lower lip with his hand. A few seconds of silence before he continued again.
"You're not the kind of girl people forget easily. I know I won't. I sure as hell won't ever forget you. How could I forget the only girl I ever loved with all my heart?"
He gave her a small smile, his chest felt tight with pain. He wanted to kiss the fuck out of her. And then cry on her shoulder.
Anisha was dulling, fading right before his very eyes. He couldn't help but wonder if this was the last time he'd get to hold her close, to love her so.
And he knew it was.
Sebastian sighed, almost unsure if he should tell her or not. Anisha had previously tried setting him with her friends and a few other random dates.
Not that it'd ever worked out. Nothing, nothing ever came close to what he'd had with Anisha.
Until Amanda. And that hadn't ended well for him either.
"I've been trying to move on. I...ugh...I have a date tonight. Melissa Wang? I don't know if you remember but she's a pediatrician. She works on the second floor."
Sebastian playfully glared at Anisha as she leaned over to punch his arm.
"Finally! She's liked you since forever. Took you long enough." She let out a soft laugh, trying to lighten the air around her.
"Ugh, yea. You know, she asks about you sometimes." He swiftly ran a hand through his hair, his eyes still focused on her. "Why'd you shut everyone out? People are work, your friends Anisha, everyone always asks about you. Once you left work, you just shut everyone out."
Anisha shrugged, standing up, slowly. She could feel blood rushing down. She always felt light-headed, just a little queasy and always tired. And never enough.
"Melissa still texts me sometimes. Karrissa, Sophia and Mark. Ming still emails me sometimes, asking if I want her to put in a good word for me at Kaiser. I think her husband is the CEO of the one on Sunset Boulevard. I'm guessing you haven't told them the truth about what's wrong with me?" She looked as Sebastian as he shook his head.
"I've always ignore all of their phone calls and texts and emails. I always let the phone calls go to voicemail. I always delete the texts without reading them."
Her eyes looked out to the ocean for the last time. She watched the waves slamming into each other, against the shore. She wished the pier around her goodbye. She wished the pier, the beach, the ferris wheel, the ice cream shop, everything that had ever given her happiness, she bid it a farewell.
"It made saying goodbye easier. That's all it was."
"Do you have any idea how hard this is for me? How hard it is for me to stand here, knowing that I might never see you again. Or how hard it is for me to go home, sit around my kids and pretend to be happy while knowing that soon they won't have me around? That any second could be it for me."
"It's hard because this might be it for me. This is it for me." Anisha let out a soft sob, the words barely escaping her lips. "And then I'll be gone."
"It was easier to shut everyone out, just so I wouldn't have to say any more goodbyes. I was selfish. So be it. I just wanted this to be easier for me. But it isn't." She clamped her lips together and shut her eyes, trying to stop herself from falling apart any further.
"This isn't easy. It isn't fair."
Anisha slowly opened her eyes as Sebastian took a small step towards her. She wiped her tears away, her cheeks still rosy and her eyes still glassy.
Anisha smiled at Sebastian, her face glowing with just a little sparkle.
"And this is goodbye. For us. I mean, I'll see you on Thursday for my next blood transfusion but I just needed to say goodbye. And that's all."
"So goodbye. And thanks for always being there, for loving me." She tried not to cry but a small tear drop streamed down her face as her voice cracked, her chest tightened in pain as she tried to choke down yet another cry.
"And maybe we'll meet again. Somewhere far, somewhere different from here. Maybe then, fate will be on our sides, and we'll work out. But for now, let me go."
Her voice was soft, a whisper, a goodbye. She looked at him, for the last time. A heavy sob was stuck her throat, her eyes were swelling with more tears.
"I loved you." Anisha shook her head, smiling one last time, biting down on her lip. She turned around, turned away from the first person who'd first taught her what love and heartbreak were.
"Goodbye Sebastian."
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This is the very first chapter that I actually felt sad writing. The last time I felt this sad was when I watched Finding Dory for the first time a few weeks ago ;)
Sebastian deserved better and I feel for him. I hate myself atm for writing this book. Time to go cry in the corner and eat a bunch of cookies while watching Frozen. Frozen is my favorite movie ever. Besides 27 dresses haha. I literally love Frozen so much. I'm way too old to be watching it but who cares :)
I couldn't decide the song or quote for this chapter so I went with Sorry. It was between Sorry by Halsey or One Last Time by Ariana Grande or But We Lost by Pink. Should I change it or leave it?
Plz vote and comment :) The next two chapters are going to be emotionally draining to write because they're the last Anisha and Andrew chapters.
Do you all have any ideas for the next two chapters? Cause I don't. I'd appreciate any feedback or suggestions. Like how should Andrew react when Anisha tells him she's sick and the truth about his sister. Like what should they be doing? I like to have most of their interactions at home because most couples fight at home and it felt realistic this way but idk, I'm open to anything