Dedicated to all the beautiful girls out there xx
Chapter 23
The following Monday, I was sitting in English class and staring outside the class window instead of doing my class work. There was only one thing on my mind. Hamid.
I've been smiling non-stop for the past 30 minutes. My mind kept replaying that 'special' moment we had under the tree on Friday night.
"Can I.. kiss you?" He asked.
"I don't think I know how to kiss." I replied, looking down.
"I doubt that." He said and kissed me immediately.
I touched my lips and silently squeal to myself. Zainab was right, I've been missing on those lips for a very long time. And my cousins' predication did come to pass, Hamid and I did kiss under the tree and not on top of the tree.
I looked down at the almost faded henna on my hand. I trailed my hands on the flower Hamid drew and smiled. Could he make me any happier than this?
The bell rang, causing me to snap back to reality. I turned to my notebook and realized I had only done eleven out of sixty past WAEC objective questions that we did for classwork. But who cares? Miriam is a happy girl now.
"Alright pupils! Stop writing!" Mr Zamani said and banged the teacher's desk he was sitting behind, "Submit your notebooks here!"
Everyone made noise while carrying their bags and standing up, finally relieved that school was over for the day.
I was the last student to leave the class as I quickly wrote down random letters in my notebook for each question, confidently knowing that I was still going to fail.
As others were leaving and making noise, Vitamin D immediately entered the class and rushed to Peace who was leaving class as well. He quickly helped her with her school bag like he always does after school.
She didn't say anything but just rolled her eyes and gave him her bag as they walked out of class.
"Peacy Peace." I heard Vitamin D say from outside the window as they walked, "What can I give that nobody can't afford?"
"Space." Peace hissed.
"Miriam Garba!" Mr Zamani shouted from his desk after realizing I was the only one left in class.
I quickly turned back to my book and finished my class work. The last letter I wrote down was 'A', knowing that was the first letter of his name. I blushed and covered my book before carrying all my stuffs and walking to the teacher's desk.
I dropped my notebook on the desk and adjusted my bag on my shoulders. Before I could leave, Mr Zamani spoke up.
"Why are you smiling?" He asked, looking at me in confusion while licking his lollipop, "I hope it's not boy making you like this?"
I chuckled and shook my head, even though that was the reason. Then he nodded and gestured for me to leave.
I quickly made my way out of class. Once I stepped outside the class door, Mr Zamani called me back from inside.
"Garba!" He shouted. I took a long sigh before turning around and coming back inside to stand in front of his table.
"There is this maths equation I've been trying to solve baa," He said while looking inside a notebook, "but I can't seem to solve it because the teacher didn't finish it."
He removed the lollipop from his mouth and showed me the notebook and I looked at it, wondering why my 'English' teacher was asking me for a 'Maths' problem.
'Miriam + Hamid'. That was the maths problem. In my notebook. I cringed because I had forgotten to erase it off when I was done with my class work.
"So what is the answer equal to?" He asked, knowing that I was the teacher.
"Nothing." I shook my head in embarrassment and looked away.
"No you must answer me. Are you not my pupil?" He handed me his pen, "Oya write the answer."
I hesitated but he made sure I had to do it. And I did it.
'Miriam + Hamid = like like with an extra like.' I wrote.
Mr Zamani slammed his hand on the table, causing me to jump. He took the pen from me and he inhaled before putting the lollipop back inside his mouth.
He removed the lollipop from his mouth immediately and asked, "What did your mother- sorry what did your grandmother teach you about boys?"
"Nothing." I shrugged.
"Did she teach you about the 'ripe' method?" He started, "You know girls there is a certain age you become 'ripe' to date-"
"Bye Mallam!" I said immediately and quickly started walking out of class.
"Garba I'm not finished!" He shouted from behind but I closed my ears and quickly walked out of the class door.
"God bless you sir!" I shouted as I ran away, "See you on Wednesday!"
Since Mr Zamani was like our father-teacher, nobody took him seriously. He was a nice man after all and I was grateful but I wasn't ready to spend my after-school time hearing about the 'ripe method' from a man.
Adults will be treating us girls like Mango. Boys never had their own 'ripe method'. And even if they did, the only fruit they could be compared to was Banana. You already know why.
As usual, every time school was over, I bought Gala from hawker who passed my school everyday.
After I paid the hawker by the school gate, I put the Gala in my bag and turned to see Kabir standing in front of one of the school blocks. He was with a girl. A very fair and skinny Muslim girl who didn't cover her hair.
They were holding hands and giggling at each other as if it was a legal thing to do on school compound. For some reason, I felt a hint of jealousy in my chest. I shrugged it off and went my own way, hoping the principal or a teacher catches them and gives them punishment.
The moment I got back home, Kaka was already waiting for me in the sitting room. I was already tired and ready to have my own siesta but from the look on her face, I knew it was impossible.
Kaka had already written something on her notepad and she brought it out for me to read.
'Have you gone for vaccination?' She wrote.
I shook my head and she took back her notepad and wrote down on it.
'Hurry and go now, Today is the last day. Remember we only get free vaccination immunization once in 2 years.' She wrote, 'Carry Kauna with you for immunization.'
"But Kaka-" I whined and she stood up to leave before I could finish my sentence.
****
The line for free vaccination and immunization was the longest line you'll ever come across. Even longer than the line in banks and job applications.
Kauna and I finally entered the clinic building after standing outside the hot sun for hours. We thought the line was going to end when we got inside, but it seemed like we were just halfway.
My legs were starting to ache and I groaned in frustration. A few lucky people were sitting down on the clinic chairs despite they were part of the line. My prayer was that an angel would give me their seat.
I glanced at their direction and to my surprise, I see Kabir and the same fair girl from earlier sitting on one of the seats. Sadly, they weren't punished like I hoped for.
One of the men, who sat close to them, kept glancing at me and I frowned at him in annoyance. He immediately tapped the small boy that sat next to him and said, "Stand up and give this pregnant woman a chair."
The boy looked at my direction and I was lost for a moment. I looked around and there weren't many women here, one that looked pregnant.
The boy stood up and looked at me, "Madam you can take my seat."
I scowled back at the man in annoyance and not at the boy.
"I'm not pregnant." I sneered.
"Oh really?" He looked surprised and studied me, "Na your size that disturbed me that's why I thought you were pregnant."
He was loud enough that almost everyone within that room could hear him. I glared at him before I glanced to see Kabir and the fair girl looking at me. The fair girl was laughing while Kabir just gave a light chuckle at what the man said.
I couldn't even try to pick up an argument with the man like I always did for those who disrespected my body. I sighed and shook my head.
"Meet me outside when you're done." I whispered to Kauna and walked out of the clinic in annoyance.
Despite I've been on the line for a long time, I couldn't care less anymore. Days like this made me want to bury myself on the ground.
I stood in front of the clinic and leaned against the wall beside the door, ignoring stares from people that kept walking in and out of the door.
I looked outside the gate and suddenly saw two soldiers passing by, believing that one of them was Hamid.
I quickly entered back inside the Clinic and hid behind the door way. I peeped through the door to see the two passing soldiers, only to realise none of them was Hamid.
I sighed and just watched them in a distance. It seemed like I was already going crazy for this boy because of one simple kiss. I didn't even want him to see my after school face. It was a disaster.
I looked down at my hand, remembering what the clinic man just said. Now I see why Kabir never looked my way. I was fat and black. Most Muslim guys like Hamid and Kabir were after fair and skinny girls. Hamid's ex was one. Even Hamid's sister had told me about this few weeks ago.
"Don't expect anything because Hamid only likes fair and skinny girls" Mariam said.
I sulked. Why can't I be fair and skinny?
****
I went back for Kauna after feeling disturbed about my looks. I needed something to keep my mind off it. I watched as Kauna received her injection and she didn't cry nor move. She was really strong for a 7 year old girl.
When Kauna and I were walking back home after Kauna had received her immunization, I still sulked about my body. I kept sulking and sulking until we came across a Dollar pharmacy along the roadside and I immediately stopped walking.
"Hold on." I said to Kauna, "Wait here. I will be back."
I quickly entered the pharmacy and looked through the shelves. I wasn't sick or anything but I needed to get something more important than medicine.
I looked through every shelf, hoping I could find that thing. After a little while, I found it in the right section of body products. There it was, staring right at me. I picked it up and smiled. I didn't care how much it cost. This was the one thing that has changed many women's life.
I took it to the counter. The woman at the counter smiled at me and when she looked at the product I picked, she frowned.
"How much is it?" I asked, "The bleaching cream."
****
When Kauna and I finally got back home, I heard Kaka's movement in the kitchen and quickly ran to the room with the pharmacy nylon bag so that she won't know about my plan.
I shut door, knowing that Kauna was going to watch tv in the parlour since there was light. I sat by my bed side and removed the bleaching cream from the nylon.
I stared at it for a while and thought to myself, "I know this is a terrible decision. But it's worth it."
I stood up and stretched before I started jogging round the room.
"Loose weight. Bleach. Become beautiful." I said while jogging and kept repeating, "Loose weight. Bleach. Become beautiful."
I stopped jogging and stood in front of the mirror. I was still seeing the fat and big Miriam in front of me. I turned around and studied my body.
I realised I was losing my plump size and gradually becoming an actual fat girl. Just few more calories and I've lost my plump size. I raised my shirt and looked at my big belly. It was sad to know that all my life I've never had a flat tummy. Never.
I sucked my tummy in and within a few seconds, I couldn't breathe anymore and decided to give up the sucking. I hated the flabs around my belly and it looked twice as big as it was before.
I put my shirt down and moved closer to the mirror. I touched my face and noticed that a double chin was forming as well.
"My cheek bones are disappearing." I whined.
I stopped the whining and looked at myself hard. I couldn't take it anymore. It's about time Miriam. It's about to time to,
"Loose weight. Bleach. Become beautiful." I said lastly.
***
For two days I've been working on my 'become beautiful' routine. There was one word to describe it- deadly.
I glanced at myself in the mirror every ten minutes to see my weight loss and fairer skin but, there was no difference with my old self. There were still stretch marks and rolls around my body.
It kept making me depressed and tired. I hadn't had much time to pick up Hamid's call or do anything else. But just focus on myself and nothing more.
Wednesday was here, and those were the only days the school cooked a proper lunch for us. Luckily, they made my worst dish- yam porridge.
It was long break period and I sat in the dinning hall with some of my class friends, staring at their food 99% of time. They all brought their food from home and were eating it in their lunch box.
My lunchbox was water. No matter how bad I was tempted to cheat my diet, I had to resist it. And every time I ate and thought about my weight, I felt guilty for eating. The world made me feel guilty for eating.
My stomach growled, causing all the girls on the table to look at me.
"Miriam are you sure you don't want to join the line and get food?" Fatima asked. She was the skinniest of us all, and always had red henna on her finger tips.
I shook my head and scoffed, "I told you I'm not hungry. And I don't even like yam porridge."
"If you say so." She shrugged and continue eating her dan wake, causing my stomach to growl more.
Mary Barau was the first person to notice what I was doing and asked, "Oh you're on a diet ne?"
"No!" I denied.
"You're not even that fat." Salma, my tallest friend, said, "So I don't see what you're dieting for."
I hated that sentence so much. There's no such thing as 'that' for me, it's either I'm skinny or not.
"Do you even realise that your body is the kind that African men love? They love flesh." Fatima pointed at me, "See big breast and all. You think it's broomstick girls like us that they want. I'm even looking for a way to add weight."
"Ah Fatima you're even lucky your stomach is flat." Mary Barau said, "I've been flexing my stomach everyday for the past two years!"
Then the others joined in too to talk about body, making me more uncomfortable. I groaned and told them I was going to the toilet.
I went to the senior girls toilet and looked at myself in one of the mirrors, checking to see if the double chin had disappeared this time. Luckily, it was actually disappearing and that was a progress.
Two ss3 girls came out of the toilet stalls and washed their hands before adjusting their school skirts and looking at themselves in the mirror.
"I'm getting fat." One of the girls complained and turned around while looking at herself.
There goes the body talking again. I glared at her from the mirror. She was about half my size! If she knew what fat was, she wouldn't even be alive.
***
Back home, I wore my school sports wear and jogged round the front of the house compound. Kauna sat on the front two step and watched out for the wall clock in the parlour as my timer.
Jumbo kept barking and following me around while I jogged. I soon stopped and breathe heavily.
"How long have I been running for?" I panted.
Kauna glanced at the clock and said, "30 seconds."
I shut my eyes in frustration. I knew Kauna wasn't lying because 30 seconds felt like forever.
I just removed my sports shoe and threw them wherever they could land. That's how I feel right now, throwing myself wherever I could.
After I gave up on the jogging, I had a long bath, just thinking about what life would be if I was skinny. And fair. Kabir would have had a crush on me a long time ago. Hamid would probably like me more. Nobody will ever insult me. My life would be perfect.
I stepped out of the bathroom, feeling very refreshed about my perfect future. I hummed lowly while walking out of the bathroom with my wrapper around my wet body. I peacefully entered the room door and shut it behind me before I looked up to see Kaka sitting on my bed. She didn't look happy. As usual.
Before I could talk, she rose up an item she was holding in her hand. It was my bleaching cream.
"Why are you so careless Miriam." I muttered to myself and looked at Kaka, "I can explain everything from beginning to-"
Kaka rose her hand, gesturing that I should be quiet. She patted the space beside her and I slowly came to sit beside her before she wrote in her notepad.
'Why?' Was all she wrote.
"I'm tired of the way I look." I said.
'Who isn't?' She wrote, trying to make a joke.
"Kaka this is serious." I complained, "Some of these girls never get tired of the way they look that's why they carry mirror up and down. Me I want to be like that."
'Did you drink?'
I put the notepad down and groaned, "Kaka."
She wrote on it again, 'Alcohol or boys. Who caused this?'
"None." I replied.
She glared at me, knowing that I was not good at lying.
"Boys." I mumbled and looked away.
Kaka looked at me for a while before she stood up and walked to my dustbin. My eyes widened when I noticed what she was about to do. Before I could stop her, she opened the bleaching cream and poured everything out into the dustbin.
"Kaka why?!" I cried out and pulled the cream from her, "You didn't even take my permission! What is this! You don't know how much it cost! Kaka!"
She didn't respond but just went to sit back on my bed. I looked at the empty bleaching cream in despair and threw it on the floor in anger.
She gestured that I should sit beside her but I refused and when she gave me that death look, I quickly obeyed.
I refused to sit too close to her but she pulled me closer and made sure I could see whatever she was about to write. As she was writing, something that has been bothering me popped up in my head and I needed an elderly person like Kaka to help me understand it.
"Kaka, why do we women have to be the ones to put in all the effort to be accepted?" I asked.
She stopped writing, looked up to think for a while before writing down her answer on the bottom page of her notepad.
'We don't have to. It's the society that just tells us to.' She wrote.
"Then what do we do about it?"
'You make your own rules and live by your own rules.'
She handed me back her notepad after writing another longer note.
'I'm not going to tell you it's going to be easy, because it won't.' I read slowly, 'People will disregard you when you do something out of the natural order of things. But don't let that shake you because the ones afraid is them not you. They are the ones scared of getting out of their familiarity, not you. You hear?'
I nodded my head in agreement to everything she wrote. I looked up at her and gave her a small smile.
"Thank you, Kaka." I said, "I will try my best to live by my own rules, I promise."
She patted my back gently. Then wrote on her notepad again.
'Anyways, I didn't come for all this drama. I came to tell you something.'
"What happened?"
She kept her notepad aside and didn't write on it. This time she rose her hands and clapped them rhythmically.
The door opened and Kauna walked into the room. She was wearing a school uniform. She stood in front of us and looked down at herself in amusement but she was not smiling.
My eyes widened in surprise and I turned to look at Kaka.
"What's going on?" I asked.
Kaka smiled in response, not needing to state the obvious. I looked back at Kauna and put my hands over my mouth in excitement.
"Kauna." I said and she looked at me, "You're finally going to school."
_________________
END OF CHAPTER 23