Onika's pov....
As soon as we got into the room he hugged me tight, as if I was about to disappear from the face of earth.
I tried to wriggle free from his hold but it just led into him tightening it even more.
I just groaned in frustration, he is one stubborn thing, I just gave up, It's better that he say whatever he has to and get done with it.
For god's sake, few hour before he was behaving like I am some puppet, his personal toy to play with as he likes, and now here he is acting as if I am the most precious thing to him is this world.
What does he take me for? His mood swings are now getting on my nerves. I am done with his dramas for the day, so it would be better if he cut short the ordeal.
He just buried his face into my neck, breathing heavily, after what seems like an hour, which may actually be just seconds, he finally said,
"I am so sorry." in a broken voice. I felt something wet on my skin.
Oh god no, please no.
"Agustin please leave me." I said with determination and clenched my hands into fists before I can do something stupid like hug him back.
He reluctantly pulled away and looked into my eyes, his eyes looked like deep, dark, bottomless abysses filled with torment and pain.
He took a deep breath and said, "In my life I only had this few people I trusted, when every other person is out their to just use you for their own benifits it's a bit hard to trust easily. I won't deny, I always had trust issues.... As you can see most of the people I trusted had already betrayed me, my own mother, my best friend, Xavier and Jacob.. every one.
I always wanted someone to love me for who I am, but deep down I knew it was next to impossible.
When I saw you the first day, my heart said, she is the one. Your confidence, defiance, innocence, doe eyes... . and the list goes on, I was captivated by each and every one of them.
As stupid as it sounds, I felt a pull towards you, I had never been this irrational in my life before. Then I came to know you better and that pull just got stronger and stronger, to the point were I got restless, if I don't get to see you, to the point where I found it hard to live without you.
But deep down I always had this insecure feeling that good things never last, how is it that, someone like me is given a loving angle like you? Somehow I was not able to digest that, there surely has to be some catch, deep down I was waiting for...."he stopped suddenly, gulping the saliva down his throat at his foreboding situation, so I completed his statement for him,
"To disappoint you? To Betray you?" There is no sugar coating that.
He nodded his head.
I just shook my head in disappointment and anger.
"You decided my fate even before I did any mistake?" My voice shook as I said that.
He continued "And when I thought the day came, I was devastated..I was broken..I wanted to brake you in the same way you broke me...I know, I have no excuse for what I did. I know, no amount of apologies can ever correct it..." He trailed off.
I brought both of my hands on my forehead to ease the throbbing pain. Oh God, he had got this all wrong, Sometimes I am confused whether to feel anger, or pity for him.
" Yes, you are right, you absolutely have no excuse, Life doesn't work like that, Agustin. You need to open your heart and mind for new possibilities, why do you think so low of yourself, that no good thing can ever happen to you?
Before I met you, even I didn't had any happy memory, in twenty two years of my life, when I looked back for some happy memories I had absolutely nothing, my whole life was some dark, neverending tunnel of miseries. That doesn't mean I give up my chance at happiness. That never stopped me from accepting you in my life as my.... everything, I still gave you my heart, no matter how vulnerable it was, I still took that chance to find my happiness in....you.
I never judged you on the basis of my past, if your past is like that it's not necessary that your future will be the same, you yourself ensured your own doom, it needn't be like that.
I surely agree our experience has a lot of effect on how we think, I can't deny that what we presently are, is surely influenced by what we went through in our life.
But, God has rewarded everyone with a brain, use that to judge a person and not your past, a person's behaviour towards you is decided by present actions and not your past, use your past experience to judge a person better, but not to be prejudice, if you won't be open to new possibilities then you yourself are making your past your future as well.
Just because you have a bad past doesn't mean you have to come out of it being a monster, that is not justified in any way.
Eyes see what the brain beliefs, and thanks to you who already labeled me as some gold digger whore, why the fuck did you even marry me? Tell me did you even need those photographs, or just Xavier's statement should have been enough? Tell me now that you have destroyed me, are you happy? Do you congratulate yourself when you look at me, for accomplishing your task so well?" I asked, my voice raising by an octave.
"NOOO!...please...I am so sorry..." He said and held my face with both of his hands and pressed his forehead to mine.
Shutting his eyes close, a single tear escaped from his eyes, he didn't make any move to wipe it away, as if not bothered to hide his vulnerability, anymore, as if wanted to show me what my words are doing to him.
He whispered " I am so so sorry, I know I am an idiot, punish me in any way you see fit, I know an apology will never be enough, but please just don't leave me, please... I will do anything to live upto your standards..I am trying hard to change just don't give up on me.."
I saw few more tears poring out of his eyes, his rugged breathing falling on my face.
It took everything in me to pull away from his hold and harden my heart for what I was about to do, I know he is already hurting and trying to change, but he had destroyed lives because of this stupid reason, and what I am about to say will make me savagely cruel....but that terrible day flashed infront of my eyes and that was all it took to break all hell loose.
"What are you sorry for?" I asked, no sarcasm intended, I actually wanted to know, among the millions of thing he has done to me what is it that he is sorry about.
I saw him stiffen, after a while he took a deep breath and said in a shaky voice,
"About everything"
I let out a humorless laugh and asked, "Do you know, what this everything is?" And then it hit him what I was about to do. He pleaded me with his eyes not to do this, but I was too far gone to understand anything.
"I will tell you..I used to be up all the night trying to soothe my wound so that I can at least sleep for an hour, to prepare my body for the next days torture, and it's not just about me, its way more than that.
I don't even think you are even mature enough to understand the gravity of what you have done. The day I will tell you the extent of it, it will leave you ruined....like me."
He looked at me with furrowed brows, and opened his mouth to say something, but I beat him to it.
"I am sparing you the details not because I want to protect you from it, I just don't want to think about that dreadful night, I don't have in me to feel it again.
I will tell you the whole truth the day I myself am strong enough to accept it, and it will hit you like a tornado, it is going to ruin you, the way you have ruined me. The damage is so intense that it will destroy you if you even feel a small part of what I had been through.
You didn't just break me, you have destroyed me.
You made my life miserable to the point where I didn't want to live any more.
I know repeating the same thing over and over again won't change our past, none among us can go back to undo the things we did in the past. What is done is done, I will try my best to forgive you, but
Asking for a second chance is too much Agustin.
Because if I give you that chance. I am not sure I will ever wake to a morning where I can ever truly forget what you have done to me, I don't know whether I can ever feel the same way with you again, the way I did before
Because let's face it what you have done to me even if forgiven can never be forgotten....never.
It's etched deep within my soul, believe me I have tried to get rid of it but to now avail....now it's a part of who I am.
And I am not going to risk everything again for you..... I will never do such a disservice to myself ever again...after going through all kinds of torture in my life, I own myself that much.
This time it's me who can never fully trust you and as I said before, a relationship can't work without trust in it. So it's no more just about you trusting me it's more than that....it's about me trusting you...it's me who can never again trust you with my....heart."
He took my hand in his and said in a desperately plea,
"I promise I will never hurt you..I will make everything okay, I will make you forget everything..it may take time but I will... I promise you I will love you the way you deserve.." I cut him off and said,
"And may I ask how are you going to do it?" I asked him harshly.
"Let me guess by repeating again and again that you love me? Sorry if it hurts, but I had stopped believing in your words long before.
You can't promise me that Agustin....I doubt that you ever even loved me, love is not about how many times you say I love you..it's about how many times you make me feel you do...it's about how many times you prove you do...." I paused for a moment and asked him,
"I may forgive you if you promise me one thing."
"Anything." He said, hope infiltrating his voice.
"Let me go, and try to move on in your life...you will get someone who will be right for you...."
"Enough!" His voice echoed through the room, making me stop mid sentence.
I saw a spark of anger pass through his eyes, he let go of my hand and clenched his hands to his sides, as if to control his anger.
Making me cower back in fear. He grabbed me by my arm, pulling me close to him, though it was not rough to hurt me, but was enough to spike my fear.
"Whether you want to give me a chance, or not is your choice but whom I want to keep in my heart is mine...no one can take that away from me, not even you.
I can't forget you for the life of me, You are a part of who I am, You are everything to me.
Just a smile from you makes my world stop, makes me forget everything....just a smile from you...
You say this is not love?" He demanded, a tear escaped from his eyes, making my heart clench, painfully.
I tried hard to hold back my own tears, pricking at my eyes, No, he is just messing with your mind, wriggling out of his hold, I looked at him defiantly and said,
"No, I say it is not." I answered. He looked at me taken aback.
"It should be my tears to do that to your heart and not just my smile...if you actually loved me, it should have been my tears to make your world stop, where were your love when you were the reason behind every tear I shed?"
He looked at me intently and asked, "So do you agree that you still love me because I can see my tears are still affecting you, in that way."
At the Sharp intake of my breath, he gave me a victorious smile.
I looked at him for a moment, this completely took me off guards.
Don't let him get at you, he is talking non sense, I mentally screamed at myself.
Then I shook my head and said, "unlike you I am not a sadist to enjoy anyone's tears, that's it."
"That's it? Is that so?" he asked me mockingly. To which I nodded my head vigorously.
" Then my tears shouldn't affect you to the extent which is enough to bring tears in your own eyes, why is it that whenever I am in tears, I find tears in your eyes as well?" saying that he wiped the tear from my cheek, I didn't even realize had escaped.
"I am sorry for ruining your dinner....I had ordered your favourite food, it's on the table, please eat before you go to sleep." Saying that he made a move to exit the room, leaving me behind, flabbergasted.
'Fuck you, Agustin De Luca.' I mumbled.
"Gladly", I heard his amused voice as he shut the door.
Did I say that out loud?
***********
Phew! Done with another chapter. I guess it will take me 15-20 chapters more to complete the story.
And it was a bigggg chapter!!! (To compensate for my upcoming slow update😝)
Many readers ask me who is going to end up with Onika, sorry I can't tell you that now, but personally I am not a shipper of Onika and Agustin, though I try hard, not to influence my writing with my personal opinion.
Please vote, comment and share, if you like the chapter, it will mean a lot to me.😊😊
Until next,
Ricky ❤❤