#ABNQ03 Chapter 03
"Thanks," I told Psalm after he drove me home. He just asked one of his guards to drive my car hom kasi hindi ko na talaga kayang magdrive. I was too smashed, and I wouldn't dare touch the steering wheel because I didn't want to cause accident.
"No prob. Are you all cried out?" he asked.
I nodded. "Yeah. I feel a little better na."
He nodded, too. "Okay. You go sleep," he said, patting my head.
"Babalik ka pa sa club?" tanong ko sa kanya.
"Yeah. It's just 1am," he replied. 1am pa lang? It already felt like 4am dahil sa dami ng iniyak ko at sinabi ko kay Psalm. I was so thankful for having a friend like him because hindi naman niya responsibility na alagaan ako, but he still did it.
Before this whole fiasco with Steele, I wasn't really this close with Psalm. I mean, I talk to him almost every day, but we're not this close. Anj was my best friend... but after everything, after a rift was form between Anj and I, it seemed like Psalm felt like I was alone, so he always made sure na may kausap ako.
He's just a really nice guy.
"Alright. Take care," I said, waving at him as I open the gate.
"Hey, Jo!" narinig ko na sigaw niya mula sa labas kaya naman naglakad ulit ako, at saka binuksan iyong gate. He was still standing outside. I creased my forehead.
"What?" I asked, then yawned. It was already 1am. I wasn't used to staying up late. I mean, before yes kasi magkausap kami ni Steele hanggang madaling araw. But as he said before, it's been months already... wala ng dahilan para magpuyat ako.
"Just want to tell you that I always got your back," he said, casually shrugging while both his hands were inside his pockets.
Napa-ngiti ako.
Kaya maraming nafo-fall dito, e.
"Thanks," I said, smiling. "Enjoy, but don't drink too much."
"Roger that," he said, even doing the salute. He waved one more time before he walked back in his car. Pumasok na ako sa loob kasi sabi niya pumasok na muna ako bago siya umalis.
Habang papasok ako, my phone vibrated.
From: Eldest broccoli
When you're done, maybe you can tell me his name.
To: Eldest broccoli
You're driving. 'Wag ka magtext
From: Eldest broccoli
Then why are you replying
Ang kulit! Umakyat na nga ako sa kwarto ko. I removed my makeup first, then took a quick shower before plopping down on my bed. Ipipikit ko na sana iyong mga mata ko nang maramdaman ko na nagvibrate iyong cellphone ko. I grabbed it, and saw that Psalm sent a text a few minutes ago.
From: Eldest broccoli
I know we're not really that close, but you can always talk to me. I know it's weird but I really hate seeing my friends getting hurt. Also, I'm here at the club na so don't worry about me texting while driving. Night, Jo! Tomorrow will be better.
Unknowingly, I was smiling as I fell asleep. It's nice to have a friend who cares about you. Someone who'll go out of his way to make sure that you're okay even if you already lied about being all right.
The next few days were a little bit better. I felt better than how I'd been feeling for a few months now kaya naman napagdesisyunan ko na pumunta na ulit sa tambayan namin.
Matt and Simon were looking at me weirdly. Wala pa kasi iyong dalawang babae.
"What?" sabi ko nung naka-tingin pa rin sila sa aking dalawa.
"Nothing. It's just weird seeing you here again," Matt said, shrugging.
"I've been just really busy before," I lied. "Si Psalm?"
Simon creased his forehead. "You've been with Psalm a lot lately."
"Yeah, so?" I asked. Nasaan ba 'yung broccoli na 'yun kapag kailangan ko siya? Nagugutom na kasi ako. Nasa kabilang ibayo pa ng campus 'yung caf, at tinatamad akong maglakad. I was thinking of just getting food from his mini-canteen.
"Nothing," Matt said.
I rolled my eyes. "Ang dumi ng isip mo."
"Hey, I said nothing!" Matt said, raising both his hands up. "And besides, Psalm's known to you know... make girls fall."
Psalm had this crazy reputation in school because as I'd said, he's just really nice. Alam mo 'yun? 'Yung tipo na kapag umiiyak ka e bibigyan ka ng panyo at saka hindi aalis hanggang 'di ka tumitigil sa pag-iyak? He's just that kind of person. I guess he was raised that way... and add the fact that he's captain of the basketball team, so it wasn't all surprising that girls were throwing themselves at him. 'Yung tatlong kapatid niya kasi, medyo mga suplado. Si Psalm lang talaga 'yung sociable sa kanila.
"But Jo knows better than to date a friend," Simon said, draping his arm over my shoulder, and then tousling my hair.
Right.
Habang hinihintay ko si Psalm na dumating, balak ko sana na mag-aral dahil paparating na ang mga exam, pero hindi ako tinigilan ni Simon at Matt. I didn't know why I was even friends with them! Sobrang kulit ng mga lalaki na 'to!
"Dude!" sigaw ni Matt nung makita niyang paparating si Steele. I shifted uncomfortably on my seat, but I told myself that I should get over it. I should. Okay, I lost Steele, but I didn't want to lose my friends, too. And I knew that if I kept on distancing myself from them because I didn't want to be around Steele, I'd lose them, too.
Steele looked at me. Nag-iwas ako ng tingin.
The last time we talked, he begged me to move on. And I was doing it. Pero hindi naman ganoon kadali. Kasi kung madaling magmove on, walang masasaktan. Kung sana may switch lang ang feelings, 'di walang hugot lines na maiimbento.
But I knew I could do this.
Tama naman si Psalm. I wouldn't hurt forever. One day, this all would end. And I couldn't wait for that day to come.
I concentrated on the book that I brought with me habang sina Steele, nag-uusap tungkol sa sasakyan. Maya-maya, dumating na rin si Kitty, Anj, at si Psalm. Psalm was actually carrying boxes?
"Thanks, Psalm!" Kitty said as Psalm put the boxes on the table. Tumayo si Matt, at saka tinignan iyong mga naka-lagay sa box.
"I think you befriend us to order us around," Simon said.
Kitty rolled her eyes. "Duh. Besides, what's the use of your muscles if ou won't help me carry stuff around," sabi niya.
"Para san 'yan?" Matt asked Psalm.
Psalm shrugged. "Don't know. I was just walking towards here, when these two dragged me and made me carry those frigging boxes."
"Bakit 'di si Steele utusan niyo? Siya kaya laging humihingi ng tulong sa inyong dalawa tungkol sa girlfriend niya," Simon said.
Oh, fudge.
Why was I here again? Right. I needed to hear this. I needed to be okay with this. I wouldn't lose my friends, too. Nope. Not gonna happen.
Tahimik lang ako sa isang sulok habang nagtatalo si Kitty at Matt kung sino ba ang dapat utusan kapag may mga ipapagawa si Kitty. Kitty's member of the student council, so she's always running around the school— and that includes some lifting.
"So... I gotta go," Psalm said.
"Sama na ko," I replied. I already stayed here for an hour. It's enough... I think. At least they knew that I was around. I just didn't want to stay here longer. Baka kung saan mapunta ang usapan nila.
Matt and Simon were looking at me weirdly, and I resisted the urge to flip my middle finger at them.
"Kadiri," I mouthed at them before I jogged to catch up with Psalm. May tumawag kasi sa kanya. Paglapit ko, naghintay muna ako na matapos siya sa kausap niya. He was speaking in Spanish, so I thought he was talking to his relatives.
"San ka?" I asked when he was done talking.
"Gym, why?" he shot back while we were walking.
"Ah..." parang tanga ko na sabi. We were still within the view of our friends, so I was forced to walk together with Psalm kahit na gusto ko na lang dumiretso sa parking, at saka umuwi.
"Are you going home?" I nodded. "You should've stayed, and help Anj and Kitty," he said.
I sighed. "I know..."
"Anj is asking about you." I sighed again. "You should talk to her. She's your best friend."
Hindi ako makapagsalita. Hindi ko kasi alam 'yung sasabihin. Hindi ko ma-explain na hindi ko pa kayang sabihin iyong problema ko hanggang alam ko sa sarili ko na hindi pa talaga ako okay.
Maybe when I was all better, I'd tell Anj.
But for now, I just wanted to heal in silence.
"She seems to enjoy Kitty's company," I said instead.
"Yeah, because you're ignoring her," Psalm said.
"I'm not."
"She said you won't reply to her texts."
"I don't reply to anyone."
Kung hindi nga lang dahil sa text kami iniinform tungkol sa balita sa class, baka hindi na muna ako nagcellphone. Baka nagpakalunod na lang talaga ako sa library. Baka nagpaka-ermitanyo na talaga ako.
"You reply to me," Psalm said.
"Don't feel too flattered," I shot back. He laughed.
"See you tonight!" sabi niya.
"San?"
"Kitty's party!" he shouted as he jogged towards the gym.
Aw, fudge. Makikita ko na naman si Steele?! And possibly Andrea?!
* * *
I was freaking out. I knew that I needed to attend, lest I wanted Kitty to forever vanish me from her life. She's that sensitive when it comes to her birthday. Gusto niya kumpleto kami lahat palagi. She came from a dysfunctional family kaya ang pamilya niya, kaming kaibigan niya pati 'yung trabaho niya sa student council. Once, Simon had to stay here in the Philippines habang nasa Cali lahat ng pamilya niya just so he could attend Kitty's party. Kitty's the baby of the group.
Ugh.
Bahala na!
At around 6pm, I was already all dressed up. I just got her a gift card from her favorite cosmetics since 'yun naman talaga ang binibigay ko sa kanya. Mapili kasi siya sa gamit kaya mas mabuti na siya na lang ang bumili.
"What?" I answered when Psalm called. I was already outside waiting for Manong dahil kinuha pa iyong sasakyan sa garage.
"Be there in 15."
"I'll be driving there."
"Nah, I'll pick you up."
"You're not my yaya."
"I'm too hot to be your yaya," he said, which made me roll my eyes. "Besides, you're just gonna ditch early if you bring your car."
Hate it when he's right. Ang plano ko talaga ay pumunat saglit tapos umuwi. I'd stay for two hours, tops... a maybe get a little drunk if Andrea's there. I knew I wouldn't be able to stay sober with them talking about their happy love life.
I was miserable. Sue me.
I ended the call. Wala na kasi akong masabi. A few minutes later, Psalm's car pulled over. Pumunta na ako sa passenger seat, at saka sinuot iyong seatbelt.
"Pag gusto ko na umuwi, iuuwi mo ako."
"I don't think Mom will appreciate—"
I glared at him. "First, asa ka pa. Second, I'm your responsibility now."
"Are you avoiding someone in our group? You're being really sketchy lately, Jo," he said while he was driving. I remained quiet. I didn't want to talk much because I might slip. Feeling ko naman magiging maayos na ako. At kapag maayos na ako, masasabi ko na rin naman sa kanila.
God, I couldn't wait to be okay again.
"Kapag nagganito ako," sabi ko sabay wiggle ng dalawang beses sa kilay ko, "It means uuwi na ako."
Naka-kunot ang noo niya. "What?"
"I'm serious!" I told him.
Psalm sighed. "I'm not your mom, so I don't want to be a nag, but if you still want to be friends with Anj, you better stay and at least talk to her," Psalm said. I knew he meant well, but I just couldn't! Best friend ko si Anj, yes, but things had been so fucking crazy lately. I'd been too alone lately, and I knew that it was my fault. But I still couldn't bring myself to tell her anything.
I just... couldn't.
And I couldn't explain myself, too.
One day, best friends; the next day... just friends.
Pagbaba namin, dumiretso agad kami sa loob. Kilala naman kami ng guard. The usual suspects were already there. Anj was talking to Andrea. Great.
"Happy birthday, Kitty," I said, hugging her.
She hugged me back. "Thank you, Jo," she replied. "Anj is at the receiving room. I'll just call you guys if ready na 'yung food."
God, I felt so guilty for being such a shitty friend.
Nasa entertainment room din si Psalm kaya wala akong choice kung hindi sumunod doon. Pagpasok ko, narinig ko na nagtatawanan sila dahil sa kung anuman na kinu-kwento ni Andrea. I bet it was funny. Masaya kasi kausap si Andrea. 'Di naman ako tanga na 'di mapapansin 'yun. She's also nice. She volunteers at pet shops during her free time. She also hikes. She also dives. She also donates blood.
See? Ang dami kong alam tungkol sa kanya!
"Jo, she's also a fan of Jo Koy!" Simon said.
"Oh, my god! You're also a fan?" Andrea said, sounding genuinely excited.
I awkwardly smiled. "Yeah..."
Andrea proceeded on telling things she liked about Jo Koy. I politely nodded, but didn't say a thing. Naramdaman siguro ni Andrea na wala ako sa mood kaya iniba niya iyong topic. I quietly stood up to go outside.
"Where are you going?" Psalm asked, probably worried that I'd hotwire his car just to get out of here.
"Just let her be," Anj said.
Natahimik lahat bigla. Pati ako, hindi makasagot.
"It's obvious that you'd rather be somewhere else than here," Anj continued. I stayed silent. I deserved this. "Just go than spoil the night for us."
My chest began to tighten. I fisted my hands, and took deep breaths.
"Anj—" Psalm said.
"Bakit? Tama naman ako, ah. Palagi niya tayong iniiwasan, tapos ngayon na nandito siya, ang bastos niya pa kay Andrea," sabi ni Anj. Napa-tingin ako kay Steele na walang imik.
Huminga ako nang malalim.
Paulit-ulit.
"Sorry," mahinang sabi ko. "I'll just leave."
Mabilis akong lumabas. Iniwan ko iyong regalo ko kay Kitty sa lamesa, at naglakad palabas. Parang tanga ako na naglalakad sa village nila. Gusto ko lang makalayo sa bahay. I was starting to feel suffocated, and I hated how I was losing friends because of this secret! Gusto ko mang sabihin, pero saan ko sisimulan? Hindi ko alam!
I didn't know what I was doing. I was mindlessly walking, not knowing where I'd go. I just wished that it wouldn't rain because I didn't need the dramatic effect. My life was miserable as it was.
"Jo!"
Napahinto ako nang marinig ko iyong boses ni Psalm.
"Bumalik ka na 'dun. Baka madamay ka pa sa galit ni Anj," mahina kong sabi.
"Let's go back," he said.
"I'll go home."
Psalm sighed. "I don't know why you girls are so emotional," he said, running his fingers through his hair. "It's Kitty's birthday. Balik na tayo."
"I already left the gift."
"You know Kitty wants to—"
"Ayoko nga. Bakit ba 'di mo maintindihan?" Bigla siyang natigilan. Ayoko na kasi na pilitin niya ako. I just wanted to go home! Today's been too fucking much for me already! Alam ko naman na dapat magmove on ako. Ginagawa ko na. Pero 'wag naman ganito! 'Wag sabay-sabay!
Psalm stared at me.
"Don't wait until everyone's given up on you," he said before tossing me his key and walking away.