My eyes shut close at the mention of me being pregnant, my first reaction would be to completely bash out on him and yell as loud as I could in his face until he fully understood the damage he had done by telling Justin in this moment.
He had just found out that I slept with Lucas and now I was throwing this information down his throat, too? Was I trying to give him a heart attack? It wasn't fair and I didn't know how to save the situation from here.
I sneaked a glance at Justin's face and he took a step forward, closer to me which had me wanting to back again but the wall behind me was stopping me from doing so. I shouldn't feel guilty but that was the only feeling that was rushing through my body, intruding every single nerve that it could possibly get. My eyes were forcingly going back and forth between his eyes, not knowing which one to look into and not knowing what to expect next. Both his eyes looked dark but confused. It was a mixture of emotions that I couldn't really make out one by one.
He hadn't said anything for at least a solid twenty seconds.
Lucas looked guilty too and I saw him mouth that he was sorry to me. Sorry for breaking, what might be, the most important news of my life. I wanted to hate him but I knew that he was in a quite stressful situation too which had me going a little easy on him.
So I nodded, letting him know that it was okay. The news had to get out one way or another, anyway.
"When were you going to tell me that?" Justin asked, his words low and I couldn't figure out whether he was trying to collect himself or if he was still recovering from the shock, "When did you find out?"
"I know you have a lot of questions and that's okay," I assured him, "But maybe we should focus on the fact that there's a baby-"
"When were you going to tell me?!" His voice got louder and I jumped uncomfortably at his harsh tone. He took a few steps forward which didn't seem to be Lucas favourite thing because he was quick to be by my side.
"I want you to back," Lucas said as he stepped in between me and Justin. I saw Justin's eyebrows raise and I already knew that this was going to end badly. Lucas didn't seem to care about Justin's reactions to his words because he continued to push him further, probably thinking of the previous situation where he had pushed me, "I don't want you that close to her, back up."
Justin scoffed, "The last time I checked, she wasn't your girlfriend."
"Well, the last time I checked I was the one touching her and not you," I hated Lucas for continuing the comebacks when we had already been through that. I really didn't need another fight between them to occur. Although my wishes were not their command because, within a second, Justin clenched his jaw before he violently threw himself forwards to punch Lucas again.
"Stop!" I screamed quickly, interrupting them before something else could happen. Justin calmed down at the sound of my voice and I hated myself for having that effect on him. It would be much easier if we all just despised each other. It would make this entire break up so much simpler.
Justin wasn't satisfied with my actions, though, "You're going to let him talk to me, like that?"
"Justin, you're clearly upset." I took a deep breath, trying to remind myself what it felt like in the courtroom so that the aching in my chest could disappear and go back to rejecting him. All I wanted was to wrap my arms around his neck and tell him that it was going to be okay, "I think maybe we should all calm down."
"This is bullshit," He shook his head violently and I bit my lip to keep myself from saying anything else. It was better to let him have this moment, to just let him cool down for a bit, "You're all fucking bullshitting me. I didn't sign up for this-"
"I didn't sign up for this either!" Well, my plan of keeping quiet didn't last long but I don't know what I was expecting, when do I ever listen to myself and my plans? "You think I enjoy being in this situation? I don't wanna be pregnant!"
Justin stopped his movements again, freezing at the mention of a baby growing inside of me. He had yet to say something that would truly show me how he was feeling about it but I knew that whatever it was, the outcome right now was not positive. It only increased my thoughts of getting rid of it. If he wasn't going to be supportive of our baby then I definitely don't think it was a great idea of keeping it.
But maybe I had read all of his signs wrong because once he had taken a deep breath, he stared deeply into my eyes and all of his features had returned to a calm sense. His breath was no longer pulsing and his eyes weren't as dark anymore.
"You think that's why I'm upset?" He took a step closer which Lucas seemed hesitant to but I carefully removed Lucas hands off of me, allowing Justin to get close to me. I felt a pair of hands grab a hold of mine and suddenly it was like Lucas wasn't even in the room with us anymore, "It's great that you're pregnant. It gives us a very strong reason to get back together."
"Justin-"
"I'm being serious," His grip got a little tighter and I could feel my breathing get stuck in my throat, the overwhelming feeling making me dizzy all over again, "This is God trying to show us something."
"This was a condom not working," I mumbled even though I was pretty sure we didn't use any protection in the first place. I think I'd always trusted my pills to work and I rarely ever believed that this would happen. It was tough to get pregnant, it had to be at an exact time and I guess I always assumed that it wouldn't happen to me, "It was an accident. I'm not sure I'm keeping it."
"What did you say?"
"I said I'm not sure I'll be keeping it," I shrugged and I felt Justin let go off my hands, a sudden annoyed look on his face and I assumed that he wasn't really up for my idea. I had to try and convince him that it was the right thing to do, "It's not a good timing for either of us right now."
He immediately shook his head, refusing to believe my words, "You're not killing my child."
"It's not killing," I bit my lip, an uncomfortable feeling hitting me like a wave through my body at the thought of killing a baby. I had to try and remind myself that it wasn't the case, "Also, that's not your decision to make."
"Now I've made it my decision."
I heard Lucas scoff at me which reminded me that he was also in the room. My mind had completely blocked him out and I had to restrain myself from looking too intensely in Justin's eyes, they were pulling me down that road all over again and I hated that he was forcingly trying to control me with his eyes. The worst part of it was that he knew what he was doing and he knew that he's always had that control over me. Since we first met, there's something about his eyes that just makes me wanna obey.
I sighed, both of us keeping quiet for a few seconds. My brain was furiously trying to figure out what to tell him to make him understand that having a baby right now was the worst possible thing. It was not the timing and especially since we were no longer a couple, the baby would clearly not grow up happy.
But I knew Justin and I knew how stubborn he could be once he wanted something. There were no words in my brain that I could come up with that would help my situation and explain to him how bad this really was. He seemed to like the idea of us having a child together and he clearly didn't want to do anything about it - leaving me feeling completely powerless in the question. I knew that I couldn't do it without him, it wouldn't be fair to go through with an abortion without his awareness. That felt stupid. Although I also knew that it would be difficult to make him understand that I likely not going to keep it.
My eyes darted over to Lucas and I pleaded for some privacy without opening my mouth to speak with words. He huffed but said nothing as he left the room, leaving me alone with Justin and the hope to get him to understand the situation a little bit better.
"I just wish you could see it from my perspective," I whispered, my voice a bit lower than before. It was clear that I was using my soft seductive voice, which came out of nowhere but always showed up in the situations where I needed to get my way so I wasn't surprised, "With the move and everything, I just don't see how it's a great idea to keep a child-"
"The move?" Justin questioned, completely cutting me off which made me want to roll my eyes but judging from the situation, I knew that'd be stupid so I held it inside, "You're not still moving, are you? I'm not allowing you to move with my baby."
"Which is why I think the smart and adult thing to do here is-"
"You're not getting rid of the baby!"
I jumped at his voice, suddenly loud and harsh. From the corner of my eyes, I saw Lucas walk back through the door but I shook my head at him; indicating that everything was fine and that I didn't need his help with this. It was getting annoying how he felt the need to involve himself in every little move Justin made towards me. I could handle myself.
I shut my eyes, Justin's yelling voice still ringing in my ears, "Okay, fine, I'm birthing a child."
"Hell yeah, you are," Justin mumbled back, the disrespect suddenly getting a little too overwhelming. I was close to slapping him again but I decided to try and keep it together this time. It wasn't fair of me to use violence on him and with a child growing in me, I definitely should be more careful of my actions towards people, "Blame yourself for being pregnant, don't take it out on the child."
"Okay, woah," I instantly allowed my hands to throw up in the air in surrender, taking a step forward to get closer to his face so that my pointed finger could get really close to him, repeatedly being pushed against his chest with each word I spoke, "Last time I checked, it's the mans sperm that impregnates a woman. This is not my fault."
"Oh, shut up," he murmured, a little smirk on his face that had me wanting to rip his hair out of his scalp, "You were begging for me to finish in you."
I gasped, "When have I ever-"
"We're getting a little off track here," Justin mumbled, making me roll my eyes visibly this time. All I wanted now was to go to sleep and let this entire discussion go, I didn't feel like this would help us at all anyway, "All I'm saying is that you're not leaving me if you're having my baby."
"I feel like you're using that against me," I whispered, looking up to meet his eyes and I think he could notice the little bit of fear that was visible in them. I wasn't scared of Justin but I was terrified of the situation we were in and I was nowhere ready to have a child, "I feel like you're forcing me to go through with this when I really don't want to."
"You feel what you gotta feel," He shrugged and the cold breeze hit me from his odd behaviour, "I'm not changing my opinion and I am not allowing you to do anything but to birth that child."
"Why are you so demanding about this?"
"Because I've already lost a child!" He yelled out, making me once again jump and take a step back. I didn't know much about parenting but I did know that stress and fear weren't good when pregnant, still, I couldn't help but feel extremely stressed out, "I'm not letting a mother kill my baby again!"
I shut my mouth, his behaviour suddenly making sense to me. His previous child had completely slipped my mind and if I would have been more thoughtful, I would've remembered. I found out in the most unacceptable way and then I allowed it to slip my mind? What kind of girlfriend was I?
Wait- did I just call myself his girlfriend again?
"I'm sorry," I whispered, the contrast between mine and his voice was very obvious and I wasn't sure whether I liked it or not. He was always in control and that disturbed me, someday he needs to learn what it feels like to let someone else take charge.
I didn't know what else to say so I repeated my apology, hoping that it was the okay thing to do. I never knew what to say to truly comfort Justin because he was always so shut. His doors were always closed and he rarely gave me any chances of being there for him, I never felt like I was saying the right thing whenever he was upset. It just doesn't feel like I'm doing him any difference.
We stood quietly in each other's company for a little while, my brain working vividly to try and come up with the right words to say. I tried to read his facial expression but all I could see was sorrow written all over it. Once again, I had a hard time to come up with anything to try and lighten the mood.
It wasn't exactly the right time for jokes to be made.
"I miss him," Justin said out of the blue, thankfully giving up the silence and I was really happy he decided to be the first one to say something, "I feel like I am finally given a second chance to be a great father. With a mother who has some sense this time."
I felt myself blush but I tried to ignore that, knowing that it wasn't the right time to feel flattered, "I'll keep it," I said, a more confident feeling shooting through my body and I knew that he had won me over to his side again, I reached out to touch his hand lightly and a sprint of hope flew to his eyes, "You'll be an amazing father."
"Really?" His eyes were wide as if it was shocking to him that he got his way. He usually did, especially lately but I tried to ignore the fact that my mind was somewhat not convinced about the situation. I had to remind myself that this was the right thing to do for Justin. He had been through enough and even though a little part of me hated him after what he did, another was happy that we would get to do this together, "So, you'll stay in New York?"
I took a sharp breath, "No, probably not."
"I want you close to me through the pregnancy and then I want the baby close to me so I can be the dad I aspire to be," He said, a confused look on his face as if he didn't really understand what was going through my brain. I tried to gather my thoughts, tried to come up with an explanation that sounded reasonable enough for him to understand, "You can't take away the baby. Not my child."
"I have to work, though."
"The offer to come up to the office is still open."
"I won't get any jobs," I shrugged my shoulders, knowing that my reputation as a lawyer in New York was screwed. It was all over the news, people were talking about it and the scandal was printed in magazines. People didn't know my name until now and it wasn't good publicity, "It's ruined, Justin. I can't stay here. Atalanta is my new chance."
"Not with a baby," He shook his head again, refusing to take in any of my words which was extremely annoying because I didn't know how else to explain it to him, "Not with my baby. You can't move by yourself."
"I'll make new friends-"
"I don't want you to have friends."
"What?" I said shocked, a disturbed expression taking over my face, "What is wrong with you? Stop being so possessive and stop interrupting me every time I try to talk, it's really annoying."
I heard him chuckle gently, "Sorry, it's a habit."
"It's not funny," I mumbled, trying to keep myself together as my brain was working in every single corner to try and come up with a fitting solution that would make both of us happy. There were none, and I didn't know what else to offer him.
I had already made up my mind that I had to move and start my new lawyer job in Atlanta. I knew that I couldn't stay here, not after the whole scandal, and I didn't have much other job offers to fall in. An option was to change career path but the thought of working as something else wasn't appealing to me and I shouldn't give up my dreams because of a boy. That wouldn't be fair to myself nor the baby.
I had to make sure I was happy so that I could be a positive and happy mother. So, what would make me really happy?
"So, what's the plan?"
Who was I trying to fool? I knew exactly what made me happy.
//
How cute
Oh, you guys thought this was the end chapteR???? I changed my mind there will be at LEAST 5 chapters more of this fsdjfksldfsk sorry for any heart attacks that were caused by this ending?????
I just couldn't say goodbye to these characters yet??? Jierra are my babies I just can't... *wipes a tear*
ANYWAYS I'm sure you guys aren't against 5 more chapters???? Or??? Should I just leave this story and call it a day????? Wooops??????
thanks for reading xxx
(EDIT: I wrote the above A/N for a couple of days ago when I wrote the chapter but also feel like it would be wrong of me to post a chapter without talking about what happened yesterday. We just can't ignore it. Well I know I can't anyway.
I wanted to write a quick message regarding the terrifying school shooting that happened in Florida yesterday. My heart is completely broken for Florida, for anyone involved and for all the victims with their families. I am so terribly sorry that things like this still happen when it really shouldn't and I just can't understand why there are so much hatred and violence in this world?
It's so sick how someone so young could be so cruel and not know any better. It's sick how adults don't take responsibility to make sure that children and teachers feel safe going to school. School is a place to learn new things and be happy, not get violently murdered at. So, for anyone who has been affected by the Florida shooting, whether it's physically, mentally or just someone who's laying sleepless tonight thinking about the victims (I know I am), I'm sorry. I'm with you. Let's all send a thought to all those people affected by this horrible tragedy. Never take anything for granted and tell the people you have close to you that you love them, any chance you get. You never know when it's the last time you'll see them.
Stay safe, everyone).