No matter how things have turned out, I still and will always miss you.
As days continued to pass by painfully slow, I realized humans didn't just crave company, but it was more of a necessity. We would definitely die from hunger and thirst, but loneliness could kill too. Being cooped up in our house for too long wasn't too healthy for me, even if Alicia or Erik visited occasionally.
There were things a parent could never tell their children after all.
It wasn't a matter of trust but as parents, we would never want to burden them with what they didn't need to know. My days weren't long but theirs are still a number to go. They didn't need to carry what I had carried for so long.
Humans may be intelligent and independent creatures, but in the end we are still animals. We flock together, we find company, and we seek understanding.
I kicked a pebble to the side of the path and continued walking down the path. Grayish-blue sky, humid air, no sun visible. It wasn't the perfect day for a walk in the park and it wouldn't be weird if it rained anytime later, but a phone call from Tom had managed to drag me out.
I didn't know how much I craved company until my phone rang and my heart informed me of its desire.
Surprisingly, even with an age gap of 18 years, we had quite similar interests. I wouldn't say we click instantly, but we warmed up to each other faster than we usually do, considering how we were both reserved people.
After a short stroll, we sat down together on a bench near the lake.
"Thanks for the call today. It's refreshing to finally come out for some air with great company. What made you decide to call though?"
A smile ghosted Tom's face, but it only made him look sad more than anything. "I just had too much at work these past few weeks. I feel like crumbling when I got home and realized it was my mom's death anniversary today." He paused for a little while, as though letting that statement sink in. Then, he took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. "All the stress got to me but I can't believe I forgot about it."
I placed a hand on his shoulder firmly. "It's okay. I'm sure she would understand. It's enough that you still remember her all the time."
Tom lowered his hands and glanced up at me. "Would she?"
Unlike his usual aloof, gentle and confident self, for once he looked so exhausted and lost. Like he needed some kind of assurance and hope to be lit in his heart again.
I nodded firmly. "What more can you do for the dead aside from remembering them? By reliving the moments you had with them, it's as though you're making them come to life again. And if the people I love would do that when I have passed on, I'd be contented."
Silence settled in as we stared out at the lake. It was serene, even with kids shouting behind us, teens giggling away a little distance away and the sounds of people jogging.
The park was so full of life, and that won't ever change. The only change would be the people who come here. Over the years, new people will fill up this place, while the people that we see now will be gone and eventually leave the world permanently.
The world couldn't remember every single person. Their traces in this world will vanish eventually. But humans are such magical beings. We may die the next day, but surely, all the days we lived were not wasted if someone remembered you. For the things you had done for them, the emotions they had felt when they were with you, and the shared memories, no matter bitter or sweet.
Humans continue to live on in one another.
Remembering the dead is the only thing we can do, but that's all that they need.
From the corner of my eyes, I saw Tom sitting up a little straighter, putting on his glasses again and smiling bitterly. "Being a psychologist is hard sometimes. You're busy helping others, reaching out to them, listening and taking in whatever they have to say. And at the end of the day, no one remembers to ask if I'm okay.
"I needed someone to talk to, or just their presence would be enough. I didn't want to be alone with all my thoughts. You're my first patient to ever cared. That's why I called." Tom turned to me, flashing me a genuine smile, even if it was just a small one.
I smiled back, accepting his unspoken gratitude.
***
It's quite ironic how life works.
When we were young and full of life, there was nothing we couldn't do. We rushed to do everything we wanted and achieved all our goals, constantly worried over how little time we were left with in this world.
But as we aged, we slowed down. As our time ran out, we decided that taking our time to have a closer look at the things and people around us were much more important. And when you are old, with nothing left to excite you, and no people to look forward to meeting, surprisingly life started to seem really long. Time passed by so slowly, yet at the same time, the days went by faster than you could realize it.
Such is life.
"Oof!" I heard a yelp and felt something collide against me.
My body jerked up reflexively and I found a young boy who had tripped over my legs.
I got up from the bench, picked him up and placed him on my seat as I checked if he had any injuries. He turned out to be fine except for a few light scratches on his face.
"Does it hurt anywhere?" I asked, but there was no answer.
Even as I was patting off the dust and dirt off of him, he only stared at me quietly.
He was most likely a shy child. Kind of like Erik when he was younger. Except he was less curious, more anxious and wouldn't just let a stranger just talk to or help him if this happened when he was a child.
I expected the boy to run off soon since he didn't react much. But surprisingly, he stayed and smiled at me instead.
"Thank you." He said softly.
"You're welcome." I smiled back and ruffled his hair a little. What an adorable kid.
"Where's your parents?" I asked, since I couldn't possibly look after him for long.
He shook his head.
I arched an eyebrow. "You don't know?"
He nodded.
"Well then...shall we go look for them?" I got up from crouching on the ground but at the same time I hear heavy footsteps closing in. Glancing at the direction they were coming from, I saw a young couple running towards me.
They came to a stop in front of me -- still panting a little hard -- as their gazes went from me to the little boy. I took a step back, watching how the look in their eyes hardened as anger swept passed their faces for a brief moment before they sighed in relief. Their tensed shoulders dropped but their gazes on the little boy didn't.
"Zack, we told you to never run off on your own, didn't we?" The young lady reprimanded the little boy, Zack, with a frown.
Frustration and exhaustion. I understood that. Running around frantically like someone out of their mind with only one aim, one person to find. Mind filled with all the worst possible outcomes and then you found him. Relief floods you so suddenly that you just end up standing in defeat.
Zack looked down and fiddled with his fingers. Then he slowly glanced up. He looked down again.
I wonder what made him so distant, so quiet and so scared of his own parents.
Seeing as he wasn't replying her, the lady turned to me instead and flashed me a small smile. "Thank you for looking after him."
I nodded with a smile back. "It's alright. I didn't do much. He tripped over himself so maybe you want to take a look at him later. I checked and he was fine but I thought you should know that."
"Thank you."
Nodding at me again, the young couple left with Zack, now safely walking in the middle, hands held by the both of them.
I sat back down on the bench, eyes still on them. They stopped walking all of a sudden, after just taking a few steps away. They turned to face each other and from the looks of it, they started yelling at each other. I could hear them faintly since it wasn't too far away and their voices were loud.
"It's all your fault that he ran off! I told you to stop spending so much time with your phone. Pay attention at your son instead!"
"You were there too! How is this only my fault?! I was checking my phone for work-related emails!"
"We came out for a walk. Why can't you leave work behind for an hour? What would you do if we lost him for real?!"
Zack stared back at me. Even from afar, I could see how sad he looked.
It clicked for me why he was so quiet now.
Just like Erik then.
***
I was taking big strides, walking as fast and as far as I can from you and your yelling and blaming. I was already blaming myself inside and I certainly didn't need you to do so too.
"If only you paid more attention at him, then he wouldn't have gotten lost!"
"You're the mom! You should have never taken your eyes off him! I'm exhausted from working all day and even during weekends. Why won't you be more understanding?"
"I'm tired too! You always go straight to blaming others when something happens like it's an instant reaction from you. Why can't you shed your pride for once and think about your mistake!"
I clenched my fists, feeling anger well up inside me. It felt hot, like volcano. "Anyhow, Erik is fine now! We found him and that's it. Stop fussing over it!"
Instead of letting it go, you got angrier. "You can't put it behind just like that! It might happen again. You're too careless. We could have lost him forever!"
I groaned. "He's here and he's fine!" I turned to Erik and growled at him, unable to contain my anger. I could see that he flinched but it didn't bother me then. "Erik, you're fine, right? Don't ever walk away on your own again, you hear me?!"
"You're scaring him! Don't resort to anger and threats every time! He's just a child, John!"
"How else will he listen?!"
You let out a loud, frustrated sigh. "I'm done with you! Alicia, Erik, let's go!"
"Fine! Be that way!"
***
It never really hit me then when I was too overwhelmed with anger.
One second he was there, the next he was gone. My own 4 year old son, gone. Nowhere to be found. That was a feeling I never wanted to experience again. I thought I had lost my own limbs. That wasn't even as bad.
The sense of relief was so strong that I could still remember it now. My whole body was tensed and my heart was beating so fast as though I was on the verge of getting a stroke before they all just stop for one second when I found Erik. Everything just relaxed. It went too fast from high tension to none at all. Cold sweat and shaky hands.
The relief even got my tongue. I couldn't say anything much. Guilt kicked in right after. Punching me in the gut and reminding me that there was actually a chance that I might have lost him for real. Then anger settled in with frustration at how careless I was. All of those emotions coming together fueled my anger more so I walked away then, from you, Erik and Alicia.
You took it wrongly though. You thought I took this matter lightly even though what I did was the opposite. I just didn't like expressing myself. I didn't know how to.
You, too, were in the same boat and I guess that blinded us both momentarily and we forgot just how well we know each other to understand it wasn't the case.
We wouldn't talk for days when we fought. I wonder how much it had impacted our children. We fought over the littlest things too and we just wouldn't let it go.
Sometimes we forgot what it was that we fought about. We were just too worked up over being in disagreement and we were led by our emotions without sorting them out properly. Anger and pride blinded us so much that we lost sight of what was truly important.
Misunderstandings happen. They show how imperfect we were. But that's perfectly alright. Because at the end of the day, one of us will apologize and we would make up.
It wasn't that hard when you start to realize you value the other party more than anything. Than pride. Than winning and proving you were right. It just took time and some separation to realize that again.
You were stubborn and you always wanted to get to the root of everything and properly solving it. I valued pride and winning too much, and couldn't control my anger well.
We were sometimes too similar, yet different at the same time.
Marriage sounded like a beautiful dream where everything comes true as you get to live with the one you love forever.
We never really realize each other's flaw as prominently before we got married. They seem to just show after that. And it got worse too.
After all, we are two unique individuals who were born in completely different environments with different upbringings, personalities and flaws.
Tied down together, seeing each other every day. Our different habits will clash. How we perceive every single little thing is different too.
Marriage isn't easy.
Marriage requires commitment and sacrifice as the foundation. And to maintain it, patience and constant reminders are needed. Reminders of how important this family is, how much we love each other and why we decided to get married in the first place.
At one point our children became more important than the both of us. We no longer put each other as top priority. That's to be expected but this change really impacted our relationship. We fought so much more over our children, most of the time, for their comfort and their future.
We forgot that this family came to be in the first place, because of us, not them.
And when you don't take care of the core of the family, it slowly crumbles from the inside out.
***
"Hey! Won't you marry me?" A young boy held out a small flower to the girl in front of her. His hair was messy and he was covered in dirt, yet his smile was bright.
"But mom said I can only marry someone who loves me. Do you?" The girl -- equally covered in dirt -- asked back.
"I do! So let's get married!"
"Okay then!"
With that simple exchange, the girl took the flower in one hand and the boy's hand in her other. They looked at each other and kept giggling.
Love can be simple when you let it be.
"Innocent, aren't they?"
I glanced at Tom, realizing that he too, was looking at the kids like I was.
"Most would say it's naïve. But what's wrong with that? It's beautiful. Love starts out simple and it ends the same way too."
Tom nodded his head, seemingly in agreement of what I said.
The world complicates everything for us when really, life can be as simple as you enable it to be.
Wouldn't you agree, dear?
I gazed up at the sky above, watching as clouds slowly floated away in the peaceful silence. Without tearing my gaze away, I spoke, "Tom?"
"Hm?"
"Can you do me a favour?" I closed my eyes. "Not now, but in near future."
***
The sun was setting so people were starting to leave before it turned dark. Tom left before me, since I said I wanted to sit here for a little while more.
Watching people leave -- some taking it slow and some rushing -- felt like I was watching how life unfolded for them.
As the crowd cleared out, I couldn't help but notice a pair of couple that walked particularly slow. They were probably even older than us. Though slow, they walked with their arms linked and soft smiles on their faces. Taking all the time they needed, since nothing else mattered aside from each other.
I wonder...if I had done things differently, would that be us?
Sighing, I stood up and made my leave too.
I miss you, dear.
So, so much.