This is betrayal! We made an agreement. I know I screwed up before and kept things from her, but why is she doing this now? I've been honest with her ever since and have told her everything going on in my life. When she mentioned my father at the police station I found it odd, but thought she called him to tell him what was going on. Then he calls me in the middle of picking pajamas for my daughter.
"Devin, how's it going? " he asked.
"Overwhelmed as you can imagine. I assume Tania told you that we had to go to the police station to pick Roxy."
"I'm aware of everything that's been going on. I heard that Tessa's boyfriend was involved in dodgy businesses, and if the police wasn't willing to take action, then I was. The idea of my granddaughter living under the same roof as that man was unacceptable."
"Wait! What do you mean take action?"
"I hired the same investigator who found you. She confirmed the rumors and delivered the evidence that led to the arrest."
I was left speechless for a long time.
"Dad," I began when I recovered my talking capacity. "Didn't you think of involving me in something as serious as this? It's my daughter. If you knew that she was in a dangerous situation, you should have told me first."
"I thought about it but things happened too fast. The guy isn't the smartest and it was too easy for the investigator. I also didn't want Tessa to think you were setting a trap to gain Roxy's custody. When I called Tania-"
"Tania? She knows about this?"
His stutter confirmed my question and left me with a bad taste in my mouth. I hung up before he could say anything else and almost broke a hanger as I yanked a pajama into my shopping basket. I paid as soon as possible, barely exchanging a word with the bubbly cashier, and headed to pick my daughter.
I couldn't even look at Tania in the face for fear of saying something hurtful. What did my father and her achieved by withholding the information? I wasn't going to meddle. Why would I do that when they know all I want is Roxy's well being? Did they think I was going to appear at Tessa's door and demand she gives me my daughter back. Is Tony also involved in this?
"I wasn't finished getting your stuff," I say to my daughter while I drive. "I got you underwear and pajamas, but I have no clothes. We need to go back to the stores."
"Can I go back to Tania?" she asks and hearing her name fuels my anger.
"Tania and I are upset with each other, so I need you with me. It's actually good because you need shoes and I don't know your size."
"You are angry with her, she wasn't. I'm size 13. Now you can go to the store and I can stay with Tania."
"Rox, now isn't the time for you to run a smart mouth. Plus why do you want to go back to her? You just met her and barely know her."
She shrugs and goes back to looking out the window.
"She was showing me how to decorate a Christmas tree. Can we get a Christmas tree? We don't have one at the apartment and they are pretty. Santa can leave our gifts under it. I hope he knows I live now in another house."
Gifts? Christmas! Another house? Of course, I saw the decorations at the mall and there isn't a place where they aren't playing Christmas songs, but I haven't had time to internalize the holiday is almost knocking at the door. I never celebrate Christmas. It's usually me nursing Tony back to sobriety after he's gone out to some strange party since Roxy has always spent it with her mom. Where to start? Maybe I should give Tania a call. Wait! No! She has betrayed me and I will figure out this on my own.
"Uhm... yeah... I guess we should get a tree," I say, but fear I don't even know where to get one.
"Tania and I also planned my birthday. There will be kids this time and mommy's friends are not invited."
Depending on Tessa's mood, I was allowed to give my daughter a call on her birthday and otherwise send her a card. I close my eyes as we reach a stop light and rub my temples. Roxy's birthday is in a few weeks, and Tania picked up on that and took care of it. But now I'm back at square one and will have to plan it myself.
"Oh... yes, your birthday. You are turning six. Uhm... what did you plan?"
"I'm not sure. She asked me what I liked and I told her to only serve white wine."
"Whi- what? What?"
Roxy shrugs again and sings a song to herself. Tania surely isn't planning to serve alcohol at a kids party. Of course not, that isn't her style. Where did Roxy get that?
"And where will the party be? In our apartment?"
"Don't know. She wrote stuff all over a page and I think she will use stuff from her magical store. You have to ask her."
Talking to Tania isn't in my plans for the time being. At least not until the funky mood I'm in passes.
"About your mommy, you don't need to worry. I'll take care of you until we know more."
"It's okay. Tania told me that you and my mommy love me very much and I will see her soon."
Why is this making me feel so guilty?
We make it again to the mall and I'm resigned to park all the way in the back. On top of having to get clothes and toys for my daughter, now I need a tree, decorations and gifts. Then I will probably need to shop for party supplies for Roxy's birthday in a few weeks. How does Tania manages to do all this? And why I keep thinking about her?
"You look crazy," Roxy giggles as we walk together through the parking lot.
"What do you mean?"
"Your mouth was sad, then you smiled and then you got lines in your face. Tania said you were crazy. Now I see it."
"Why did she say... never mind."
Did Tania have good reason to hide the investigation from me? She was nervous this morning, but I thought it was because she was about to meet Roxy. Was it because she knew what was about to happen? No, it can't be. Her reaction when we got the news about Tessa's arrest was what you would expect. We were together the day before and she was calm and happy, talking about how her mom wanted to have us for dinner soon.
Shopping together with the mass of people at the mall is a challenge. I will have to return on another day to get more clothes. My head hurts and all I want is some quiet time.
"Let's go home baby. Daddy needs to lie down."
I can't even complain when Roxy sneaks in a Barbie in the shopping cart. At least it gives me a pretty good idea on what to get her for Christmas.
After sorting her old clothes and putting away the new ones, my daughter watches TV in the living room while playing with her new toy. I take the time to drink a cup of coffee, lie on the couch and stare at nothing. When I hear a soft knock at the door, I curse internally, then the pain in my head intensifies when I open it and find Tania outside.
"Before you slam the door on my face," she pushes a cart filled with plastic boxes between us. "I have some stuff for Roxy."
"What stuff?"
"Clothes and shoes. Also a small Christmas tree and decorations. Hopefully the string lights will still work."
"Do you think I can't take care of my daughter? I've been doing it for almost six years. You don't have to come and try to save the day."
"How much did you get at a mall filled with the madness a week before Christmas can cause? I'm not trying to be a hero. I'm trying to be a helpful and caring girlfriend."
Tania unloads the cart roughly next to the door and I look at Roxy to see if she notices Tania is here.
"I gave a call to one of my cousins. She has a girl a bit older than Roxy. These are second-hand clothes but are in great shape. The tree is mine. Yours now. Roxy liked it a lot when we were decorating one and I figured you probably don't have one. Enjoy the holidays."
She turns around and rolls the cart outside.
"Where are you going?"
"Home. Where else?"
"Are we done? Is it over between us?"
Tania stops in the hallway and her mouth forms a half smile. "Why do you think we are going to break up?"
I feel the rush of blood creeping from my neck to my cheeks.
"Maybe if you had let me explain instead of storming in to pick Roxy we wouldn't even have this conversation."
In the silence that follows I can hear the noise coming the TV and my daughter's laughter.
"Why didn't you tell me?" I sound like a sulky kid.
"Because Stephen called me yesterday at ten in the evening. I was about to go to bed. He told me that your ex might get in trouble in the coming days and that you might need extra support. I didn't know trouble would happen twelve hours later. What was I going to add or solve by calling you right away? You were so happy about seeing your girl the next day. Why would I ruin that? Why would I tell you about something that might not even happen? Why would I want to worry you unnecessarily? I'm not being a fucking hero here. I only want to protect the man I love."
"Tania!"
I sigh when Roxy walks past me and greets Tania with a hug. Tania gets on her knees and explains to her about the small Christmas tree and the clothes she left in the kitchen. My daughter walks back inside and Tania stands up.
"You have a lot to think about. I'll let you settle with your daughter."
As Tania walks back to the elevator, I feel worse than ever.