Sunday, December 24, 2017
(Long chapter guys! Second to the last chapter 💔 Play the song above once I tell you to or you can play it now if you want :) )
3:01 am
Sucking in a swift inhale, you looked at him in disbelief. Your eyes searched for any sign of amusement or joking in him but with how his voice filled with burning disgust hidden for too long, you can’t deny this horrific truth. Your eyes glued on him, wanting answers and an explanation. Slowly, you pulled him down to sit on the floor, you sat next to him and he leaned his back on the wall with his knees up, elbows resting on them as he placed his face on his fists, hiding any expression that could give off anything to you. You figured that whatever he’s about to say right now was needed to be said with support or ground because you don’t think you can ingest what’s about to said. Although it will be hard, you’ll try your best to understand, for Yoongi.
“I was 18, more selfish and driven by passion about music. I was obsessed with the music, the piano, the lyrics, everything. Ever since I was a kid, I discovered my passion so I started playing and writing songs. I had notebooks filled with lyrics and I dreamed about being an artist. My parents however...they never supported me… I remember them ripping up all my notebooks and just yelling at me on focusing on my studies. They never understood why I love music and I got frustrated. Unlike my parents, my younger brother loved my works. He used to come with me whenever I sneak to the music room in my school on the weekends to play the piano. He would listen to my composition and try to sing or rap my lyrics, he used to goof around with them but he has an ear for good music. He supported my dreams.” Yoongi paused to chuckle bitterly, his legs spread out and hints of provocativeness in his voice startled you a bit. His sharp tongue was for his parents, for his anger towards them for getting in the way for his dream but it turned into a poignant tone once he starts talking about his brother.
“I became an underground rapper for a bit, just starting to have fun with my music. It was exciting and fun for a short while. I invited my brother to one of them so I gave him a flyer where it’ll be and when. It was supposed to be a night out for us to enjoy but it...turned into something else. When I got home in the middle of the night to sneak my brother out, our parents caught us. My dad destroyed all my equipment in front of me, my mom was screaming and wailing to get out and was holding my brother back. I had enough of their bullshit so I fought back. I remember going up to mine and my brother’s shared room and throwing everything in our bags. My brother came in and helped me and we quickly ran out of the house. My parents were yelling before us and we just drove off. I was seeing red that time, I went past the speed limit, drove through red lights and I was just fuming in anger.” He growled, reminiscing those awful memories. “He...he was shaking. I...could see him scared and he was saying something, he was so fucking scared. I’m so selfish and stupid. God what was I thinking?” Banging his head in frustrated, his fists tighten until his knuckles turned white.
“I saw in rear mirror, our family’s car. My parents decided to follow us. They were on our tail even when I’m speeding up. It was getting annoying and there was a turn so I…” He inhaled sharply, soon his voice sound weak and it gotten so silent. He sat there with his forehead furrowed and stared at the space in front of him. The tension was building up and it gotten more tight but he managed to go on “I took the turn. I didn’t know what I was thinking when I just pulled the wheel harshly but the next thing I remember...the car was flipped over, glass was everywhere and I couldn’t see well. I looked over at my brother and...blood was dripping. I took him out of the car with my remaining strength, I was losing consciousness but I remembered crawling out of the car and crying with...his body...on my lap. It took a few moments before I realized another car behind ours. It was crumpled up in front, it was smoking and it was destroyed. I crawled up to it and I remember yelling out when I saw my parents in the car...both...were dead. I took them out of the car too and I was saying sorry multiple times. They were all dead and I just cried and cried until...I passed out.”
You felt a drip on your hand and looked down seeing it slightly wet. You reached up to your face and realized that you’ve been crying, when did it start happening? It felt numb, listening to his story because you weren’t thinking about how you feel, you concentrated on Yoongi and only Yoongi. His voice was getting weaker and it was trembling, his body’s slumped on the wall as the story that you assumed he hasn’t vented out in years was just let out free. It made you think how exposed he must feel and that he might feel vulnerable talking about it, the thought made you sob. Your noise made him look up to you, his expression painted with worry and sadness. “Hush, don’t cry princess. I didn’t mean for you to cry. I knew it. I’m going to hurt you.” His hands grasp your face, wiping your salty tears away. You shook your head to reassure him that you’re okay.
His cold fingertips contrast to his hold onto you, you felt warm that he still thought of you even when he’s the one that needs supporting. You stared at him expectantly and he gulped “I should finish off. They all...passed away...that night. I stayed in the hospital for months and that’s when my nightmares began. I dream about the whole scene and everytime, it feels real, as if I’m reliving it over and over. The pills they prescribe to me are strong, they knock me out that it’s like my mind’s not conscious that it can’t make me see the images anymore. The pills are the only way I could barely sleep. The doctors and therapists couldn’t help me until now.” He sighed and he slouched further. You grabbed his hands once he finished expressing his tragedy. You swallowed despite your dry throat. After silence and a long stare, you gained the willpower to talk.
“Yoongi… do you still hate them?” Facing him, you asked, earning you a surprised look that turned serious. “...For the first 3 years, yes. I despise my parents then and even my brother. I just felt anger and I took it out on them. I blamed them for making me live in a hospital. I blamed them for their own deaths. I blamed them for giving me a miserable life. I still hate them every once in awhile but...I hate myself more.” Pain shot through your heart, you asked the next question “Do you hate them now?” He took his time answering “I...don’t know...I hate myself more. I apologize to them whenever I remember them. I hated that my parents were just...not with me for my music you know? They think it’s no good but then I think that maybe they’re just thinking that it’s not right for me. They were thinking about my future I supposed and they think that music isn’t going to get me anywhere. I...regret what happened to my brother the most though. He… his passion for music was just starting. He was just beginning to learn the guitar. He has been there for me, supportive and fun to be with. I...loved him so much. I took a good life away from him...and I’m sorry about that. I’m so sorry… I loved them all and I killed them....”
Sorrow was defining him. This was stored deep in his mind for a long time and this is killing him slowly. You can’t help but broke down in tears and rest your head on his chest, not because you were in pain but because he was. You understand his grief and this must traumatized him. You cried because you felt helpless on his behalf. Carrying this weight on your shoulders for years and not be able to vent out would be so hard for him. He...doesn’t deserve any of the pain he’s experiencing.
4:28 am
“Yoongi. Listen to me okay?” You began, wiping your tears away. Grabbing his hands, you look directly at him “It must be so hard for you growing up with having the most important people to be against you and your passion. I know that you love music and for you to not have the freedom to do what you want must be pressuring you so much. You have worked hard and for your parents not to see that? That’s their mistake. I’m glad that you’ve matured to think about their perspective but honestly you won’t really get an answer to why they were like that. As for your brother, he seems like an angel.” “He is…” Yoongi muttered to himself and that made you smile. “I would want to meet him, probably see him grow alongside you. He sounds wonderful and I’m so glad that he’s there to support you.”
“Their...horrible deaths are tragic and it scarred you, I can tell. However, you shouldn’t beat yourself because of it. It’s not your fault, none of this is your fault. I guess it was their time, but not yours. You have the opportunity to do your passion, for your brother. If he was here, he’d be so proud of you grabbing this wonderful audition, this is a step closer to your dream. I understand your grief and this...made you depressed right? I’m not telling you to get over it because it’s not that simple, I know it isn’t but living all those years blaming yourself because of an accident isn’t living at all. You have to start forgiving your parents and yourself. It will be hard but...I’ll be there.” You cupped your warm hand on his face. His eyes shut tight and he pressed his face into your hand by grabbing it with his. All you want in the world is to comfort him and to love him.
“I don’t know what to say about how to move forward but I just want to let you know...that I’ll always be there. You opening up to me must be so hard and it also proves to me that you trust me. I’m never leaving you, ever. I trust you with all my heart. I’ll be there for you through the years of sorrow, I wish I was there with you when you were 18, when you needed someone. I’ll stay with you...Min Yoongi… I love you.” The three big words slipped out of your lips with all the sincerity that you could offer. Those words were genuine and heartfelt, you were so sure to say them. Your heart beat so fast, a faint blush rise up to your cheeks. You finally admitted to yourself - You do love Min Yoongi, incredibly in love with him.
His eyes grew larger, it was clear that he was astounded and overwhelmed. The intimate habit when he bit his bottom lip brought you to a sense of some kind of gleeful high. Everything about him just makes you fall in love with him deeper and deeper: his quirks, his personality, his habits, his appearance, his passion, his secrets, his story, his scars, his pain, all of him. “I love you too Y/N. I’m deeply in love with you.” he whispered wholeheartedly and reached for you.
Your beating hearts pounded in your ears, you wrapped your arm around his figure and pulled him close, sealing your affection as your lips connected. It was amazing and filled with emotion. The kiss was intimate and genuine, his hand on your face held on lovingly as you continue to lock away any space between your bodies. His back pressed against the wall and you didn’t want to pull away, you moved to sit on his lap and linger on the kiss. He grabbed a fistful of your hair and he sucked and bit on your bottom lip, surprising you slightly. You giggled in the kiss accompanied with his chuckle and his tongue flicked on your lips, teasing you. You opened your mouth and that made him gained access for him to explore you. You did the same and the kiss turned from affectionate to hot. You didn’t want it to end but with the lack of air, it was impossible not to.
4:40 am
“We should go to sleep.” You mutter to him and pulled him up. He stiffen a bit and a sad expression covered his face. “Just lay with me” You assured him and sank in the soft mattress, him following with you. Once you two are in the bed, you asked him with a soft voice “Do you remember the bet that we did?”. “Yes.” He replied “Well, here’s your reward.” Smiling, you took your phone and played an audio that you know too well.
(Play the song!)
Yoongi laid silently beside you, his breath shaky and uneven from earlier. The moonlight highlighted his features, the pained expression on him shot a spear to your heart. He was suffering so much, you know that, but this is what you want, for him to be yours, for him to be limitlessly open to your stories and your moments, for him to be there with you when you smile and finally, for him to lay with you and experience the peace that he deserves.
You slowly played the song and locked your phone, placing the device on his chest. He stiffens by your touch, his closed eyes looking strained but as the melody gently plays, he relaxed. Yoongi laid there still, eerily still in fact, to the point that it could look like he's not breathing. You slide your arm on his broad chest, your legs tangled with his and you continued to watch him. Feeling the dried tears on your face sticking, you wiped your eyes and you finally saw a reaction. His lips parting slowly and he let out a small breath. His breathing started to balance out and you could finally feel his chest going up and down. Without moving anything else, he used his free hand to reach for yours and held on lovingly.
"Close your eyes, join my heaven"
The song continues to play out, your singing voice was all that you two could hear. You poured all emotion that you felt to this song and it's all for him. You're very proud of your work and the sole purpose you sang this is to help him, help him fall asleep. After the moments of hardships for Yoongi, he deserves this - this was the perfect time. And you think it's working.
The melody filled your ears and your heart pounded on your chest as you watched him. In a split amount of time, you caught it. A single tear fell out of his slit eyes, it was small and fast but enough to pull your heartstrings. It was enough for you to feel him and his emotions, he's slowly forgiving himself. The tears were a sign of his acceptance, his prayer for forgiveness. You remember him texting you one time that for years he hasn't cried and for him to cry in front of you was so emotional and vulnerable. You could feel how scared he is and how tired he feels every single day, this was his cure.
And as the song plays on towards the end, you scooted closer and placed your head inches away from his. The wrinkles on his face are more visible now but slowly they start to ease out. His lips still open and still, his breathing even and well. He laid there not moving too much but it was clear that his body is relaxed. You smiled to yourself and let your voice loop to the beginning once more, whispering to him quietly "Goodnight.". closing your eyes and letting yourself fall to a deep peaceful slumber, knowing that he too finally did the same.