"You were enough
maybe you were too much
maybe he prefers less
and you deserve more."
- r. h. Sin
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Andrew's hands traced the scars on her hand. He didn't say a single word but instead stared as small teardrops fell from his face onto her hands, covering the razor marks she'd made on her wrists.
For the first time, Andrew Hayes showed emotion. He was nothing more than a weak man, a vulnerable man who just didn't have it in him anymore. It was something he hid well. But all of a sudden, everything came down. Crashing down, for him.
His mistakes had caught up to him.
"I'm sorry." His voice quavered. Andrew Hayes had fucked up. Everything was slipping out of his grasp. "God Anisha, I'm fucking sorry."
Anisha was the only one he had. Anisha had saved him. She had always saved him.
But he didn't know how to save her. He was the one who'd drowned her. He sure as hell didn't know how to save her.
He didn't know how to save her. Just like he hadn't been able to save his sister. Because he was a failure, a fuck-up. He'd always let down the people who'd loved him. Always.
"Fuck, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so damn sorry."
Everything was getting to him, again. The façade of a strong and powerful man was chipping away. Underneath, was the reality of Andrew Hayes - a man suffering with pain and heartbreak.
He closed his eyes. Everything was turning into a dull gray, the same gray that had shadowed Anisha for some time now.
Andrew Hayes was losing everything he had. He'd be without anything if he lost her. He'd have absolutely nothing.
And he was afraid, he had already lost.
Anisha pulled her hand away, staring at his conflicted face as Andrew fought his own demons.
The truth was on her lips. The truth about Cassie. The truth about Sebastian. The truth about herself.
The truth that she ill, very ill. And she wasn't going to get better.
But she just couldn't. She wasn't ready. She wanted to sleep, instead. It seemed that was all she was left to do.
She watched as he zoned out, mumbling a sorry every few seconds as he tried to block out the words, the events, the people, the pain that seemed to ruin him.
Anisha stayed, for years. She still hadn't been able to save him. Better than anyone, she knew how broken he was. But she just wanted him to understand that she hadn't given up on him. That's all she'd been able to offer.
Even though no one had helped her, with her pain, her sorrow, her depression. She'd stayed. She'd stayed and she'd helped him. Hoping, that at least, he'd understand that she cared. She cared enough to stay and try. Always.
She didn't leave when things had gotten hard.
Maybe she should've. But she hadn't.
Now, her truth was her way of giving up. She just couldn't anymore. She really couldn't.
She prayed it wouldn't push him further. She prayed it wouldn't hurt him any more than he already was. She didn't want to break his heart any more than she already had.
She winced and slowly moved. The pain in her stomach reappeared. It was a constant reminder of the ending that was slowly nearing closer.
She just wanted to go back to bed. This emotion, his love, just all of it was draining.
"We kissed once or twice, you already know that. I wanted to hurt you. That's all it was. I wanted to hurt you. To make you feel the way you make me feel." She spoke, quietly, almost afraid to admit her short-lived affair with her best friend. She shook her head, looking back down at her hands. "Fuck, that's not even the truth. I want even thinking about you when I kissed him."
Anisha turned around, sucking on her lip and looked at him. Her eyes were glossed with tears. And so were his.
His tired blue eyes met her dull brown ones.
"Fuck."
Before she could help it, she pushed herself onto him, her face colliding against his chest. She sobbed as he held onto her, wrapping his arms around her.
She held onto him with everything she had.
Anisha wasn't even sure what she was crying for.
Maybe, maybe it was the fact that he still cared. As pathetic as it was, she did mean something to him. That was all she had ever wanted. To know whether or not he did. If he ever did.
Or maybe, maybe it was because everything was ending for her. The sun was slowly setting for her. She was far too gone to be saved. All this, it only made it harder for her to give in. It was just harder for her.
She slowly stilled, her eyes closing as she tried to control her pain. She wished she could just stop feeling. She didn't want to feel anything anymore.
"I just wanted someone to love me." Her voice was muffled against his chest. It was all she had had wanted. That's all Sebastian had been for her. Anisha Hayes was well aware of the way he still felt towards her. At least for the past few years. She didn't want Sebastian though, she wanted Andrew.
She had played Sebastian, given him false hope that he might still have a chance.
"And he did, he was willing to love me when you wouldn't. When you didn't. When no one else did. I just wanted someone to want me, to love me." She pulled away from him, finally letting him see how broken she really was.
She let him see her, the real her. The Anisha Hayes who was struggling to stay alive. The Anisha Hayes who had scars on her wrists. The Anisha Hayes who had a broken heart. The Anisha Hayes he had destroyed be loving. The Anisha Hayes who was far too gone to be saved.
A ghastly smile highlighted her face as she stared off into space, her eyes focusing in on the dining table. "You know, when I first figured out you were cheating on me, it hurt. It fucking hurt. I just...I've never been able to figure out why I wasn't good enough. That's what really hurts. That's what still hurts."
"Every night, I used to sit here and wait. I used to wait for you to come home, for you to come home to me. Every night, I'd wait five minutes, then another five minutes. Your dinner would get cold and I'd reheat it. I'd wait for you, another five minutes. Every night, you'd come home, late- drunk, with disheveled hair and lipstick stains on your collar. I always knew that you were out with her while I was waiting for you at home."
She had ignored all the signs of her broken marriage, holding onto the little bit of hope that maybe things would get better.
"At first, it hurt a lot. I mean, what could she give you that I couldn't? And I guess that's the problem. It's my problem. I'm the problem."
"I've never been enough." She really hadn't.
Her entire life, she'd focused on trying to be enough. But it seemed that Anisha Hayes always fell short. "My mom used to tell me that you would leave me. She used to tell me that I wasn't the kind of girl someone like you would want, especially for the rest of your life. And I'm not. I'm really not. You got tired of me, you tired of being with me."
She looked at him, his hands stuffed in the pockets of his pants. His dark brown hair tousled. And his eyes.
It had been so easy to fall in love with him.
His eyes, a heavy blue held a raging ocean. But they used to brighten, like a sparkling sea, whenever she had been around. And he had loved her. Now, they were dull, a faded, washed-out wave. Because of the lies that had torn them apart. And the mistakes.
Anisha bit her lip, quickly looking away. She played with her hands. The scars on her wrists had healed. But they were still there.
The shatters in heart, they would never heal.
A broken heart could never be fixed. Not completely, at least.
"You found Amanda, she's better than me, I know that. She's the kind of girl boys like you go after. I've never been that kind of girl. Maybe that's why it was so easy for you to push me aside. Maybe that's why I've always been pushed aside."
She ran a finger over the cuts on her wrist. It was the only time she felt good enough.
Anisha never felt good enough. Someone was always better, better than her. Someone was always smarter, prettier, nice. Just better. Always better, than her.
"Cassie was beautiful. And my mom used to compare me to her. She used to ask me what I was, especially compared to someone like your sister. I guess it was you. Everyone thought, especially my mom thought that you could do better than someone like me. Because no matter how much I tried, I was never good enough. And you deserved better than me. I'm plain, I'm naïve, I'm pathetic. I'm the kind of girl who gets her heart broken, far too easily. And no one wants a girl like that."
She was begging herself not to cry. Every single word held behind it the heartbreak and pain she had suffered.
"You have no idea how useless and pathetic I felt the first time I saw Amanda. God, she was beautiful. She was beautiful. And there was me, I was eight months pregnant. I looked like a mess." Anisha shook her head, looking everywhere but at him. She continued playing with her hands. She could very well remember the first time she had pieced together the lies he had fed her. The day Anisha found out about Amanda was the day everything came crashing down for her.
After that day, Anisha had never been able to pick herself up.
"I was a mess. But Amanda, she looked put together. She looked like the kind of girl fresh out of a magazine, the kind of girl someone like you would want. Amanda was, she still is, everything I'm not. Everything I've never been and everything I'll never be." Her voice cracked, everything fell apart for her.
The only thing Anisha Hayes had ever wanted was a love that would last. A love that would leave her breathless, for the rest of her life. That would make her feel loved and cared for, for the rest of her life.
When she had first fallen in love with Andrew Hayes, exactly nineteen years ago when he had stood outside her dorm room, stuttering and begging her to go on a date with him, she had really thought she had found what she really wanted, what she really desired.
Of course, Anisha Hayes was still never enough. Never good enough, even for her own husband.
Anisha pulled out a chair and sat down at the dining table. She paused and then finally looked back at him. It was almost as if she was afraid to meet his gaze, to look into his hopeless eyes. He was leaning against the counter, his mouth parted.
For a second, she wanted to laugh at his pitiful state. He had no right to care. He had absolutely no right to feel any sort of regret or remorse.
All he had to do was love her. Just a little bit. That's was all she had needed. That was all he had to do. If he had done so, he would've picked up on these things. How she felt, how she was falling apart, how she couldn't even hold herself together anymore.
"I've never been that girl. I'm only good, on the inside. And I thought that someone would appreciate that." Her voice held every bit of emotion but her eyes, they were dull, faded and empty, as she stared back at him. "I thought you would appreciate that. It doesn't even matter anymore."
"I've always been the nice girl. The girl who gives in easily and forgives too easily. I've looked for the good in people. But that's why I ended up like this, isn't it?"
"The only thing I ever got was heartbreak. Because I'm that kind of girl. It's because girls like me get used, they get played. Simply because they're too nice and they forgive, they believe people when they say they've changed." She sucked in her lips, she could taste the salty tears that always seemed to adorn her face. "But girls like Cassie, like Amanda, they know how to get what they want. They don't stop until they get what they want."
But Anisha wasn't like that. As much as she wished she was, she just wasn't.
She let out a deep sigh. She felt her face getting hot. And her stomach, it was killing her. The medicine didn't seem to be working anymore.
Maybe her dosage needed to be increased. Or maybe she needed stronger painkillers.
Neither was the real answer. The real answer was it was all over. The ending was closer than she had expected it to be.
Her finger gripped onto the chair, bony and frail. The tears had dried up a while ago, maybe she was finally done crying.
"They would be the kind of wife who'd keep a husband like you on their toes. But me, I'm the kind of girl that's the second choice, always. Even for her own husband. And it's because I'm the nice girl, the girl who's naïve and forgiving." She waited for him to say something, to say anything. Instead, he was just staring at her, a blank look on his face. He hadn't said a single word, not a single sound.
Anisha wasn't even sure what she even wanted him to say. Sorry? It wouldn't change anything. I love you? It was bullshit.
He hadn't done or said anything, in a really long time, that would make her feel loved. The things she had suffered through, they'd made it clear. She was his second choice. Her husband couldn't even stay in love with her.
It was because Anisha Hayes was never enough.
And she wanted Mira to be nothing like her, absolutely nothing like her. She wanted Mira to be like Amanda. The kind of girl who didn't get her heart broken. The kind of girl who knew how to get what she wanted. To go after what she wanted. She didn't want Mira to be naïve or nice. She wanted Mira to be nothing like her.
"If Mira grows up to be nothing like me, I'd be happy. More than anything, I don't think I'd be able to handle someone breaking my daughter's heart the way you broke mine."
Anisha offered him a small smile, her gaze drifted back to the floor. She focused on the dark, wooden floor, admiring it as though it was the most interesting thing.
"Do you remember when Mira was five, she had that princess storybook and she'd always ask one of us to read to her at night?" Heaviness filled Anisha's voice and her eyes were glossy again.
She was going to be leaving her kids behind.
"Sometimes, she would hold the book in her hand and read to me instead. She didn't even know the alphabet yet. But she would point to the pictures and make up random words, random stories. God, it was beautiful. She used to laugh and smile and tell the cutest stories possible. I would sit there, smiling. And I would hope that nothing would ever take that kind of happiness away from her."
Anisha, she smiled. A soft but painful smile.
"And then I'd tuck her into bed, with the blue Cinderella pillows around her and her pink teddy bear on the nightstand. I used to stand by the door and just watch her for a little bit. And then, I'd come here and wait for a little bit. Promising myself, that you were finally going to change. And then, I'd cross my fingers and hope that Mira would grow-up to be nothing like me."
She still hoped, even this very moment, that Mira would grow up to be nothing like her. And maybe, maybe once Anisha was gone, Mira would grow up to be independent. To be on her own. And not to depend on another.
Mira would grow up to be nothing like her mother.
Because Anisha was dependent. In every which way possible, Anisha was dependent on Andrew. She always had been.
"A part of me hoped, a part of me still hopes that Mira that Mira grows up to like Amanda. Cold. Selfish. And a bitch." Anisha let out a pathetic laugh, almost a snort. "But also confident. Confident. And independent. And more than anything, happy."
"Those are things that I'm not. Those are things I wish I was. But I'm not. And Mira? Those are things I hope she grows up to be."
Anisha pushed the long sleeve back, showing him her wrist. Her eyes followed every single razor mark she had created with the cheap razor she had bought from Target.
"I stopped cutting a long time ago. I haven't cut in years. But the scars, they don't fade easily. They're still there. And they'll always be there."
"I was alone, I've always been alone. Alone and unloved. No one's ever loved me enough, even when they promised to." She flashed him a fake smile, pushing the promises and vows he'd made to her out of her mind. They were just a collection of lies he had told her. Lies that she had believe to be the truth.
"After Mira was born, I got sick of everything. You were always busy, entertaining your mistress. I was alone, at home, taking care of both of your kids. Cutting my wrists was the only way out for me. The stupid therapist told me to try writing down how I felt. But that's the problem. I felt too many thing. And I didn't want to feel anything." She was whispering, her voice was barely audible. The pain was still fresh. It was hard, having to remember everything she had put herself through.
Anisha could remember the days she had sat in her room, with a razor in her hand. She could also remember Mira's smile. The way Mira had reached out to her mother. Mira's had smiled and her eyes had sparkled, giving Anisha a chance of hope.
"Every time I cut my wrists, it was the only time I didn't feel anything. I felt nothing. You have no idea how good it felt to just sit there and not feel a single thing."
"And then I'd go to bed, crying. I swear, I'd stain the pillow with tears every night. My wrists would throb, in pain. I'd feel even worse than I did before. I'd feel pathetic. For staying. For loving you. For letting you break my heart, over and over, again and again, all the time. And most of all, I'd hate myself, for never being enough." Anisha let out a shaky breath. She blinked her eyes, trying to clear the tears out of her vision.
"I tried to be a good mother. Ryan and Mira deserved better. And I tried, I really tried, to be better. I stopped cutting. I stayed. For them. You have no idea how much they both adore you. Especially Mira. I can't even believe you would doubt the fact that she's yours." She looked at him, bitterness in her eyes and heartbreak in her voice.
"After a while, I just stopped caring. I stopped caring about what you were doing with her or how late you were going to be staying out. The cheating, the lying, it just stopped bothering me. All of a sudden, it was as though I had suffered enough, too much. Nothing mattered anymore. Except my kids."
"And I know sometimes it feels like I love Mira more. I really don't though. I love her as much as I love Ryan. But Mira, she's the only one who loves me back. Mira loved me, she still loves me. You have no idea how much I needed someone to love." She shook her head as tears clouded her vision again. It seemed as though Anisha Hayes could never stop crying. "She did. They both did. Ryan and Mira loved me when you didn't, when no one else did. Especially Mira, Mira loved me when I was unlovable."
"Anisha, I..." Andrew didn't know what to say. He ran a hand through his hair. Sorry? But he had already said, for many days and for many years.
He looked back at her, her frail face.
He still loved her? Who would believe that? Even he couldn't bring himself to believe the three words. Because instead of loving her, he had gotten so caught up in his own pity. Everything had been about him and only him.
"Don't. There is absolutely nothing for you to say. I won't listen to anything you say." She said it, almost pathetically. A part of her still begged to be loved, to be cared for.
It wouldn't change anything though. It was too late. Far too late.
There wasn't anything he could do anymore. There just wasn't.
Anisha stood up. She wanted to go to her room and sleep. She turned back to look at him, his eyes still set on hers.
"Of all people Andrew, I wanted to be your first choice. Your first and your only choice. That's all. I just wanted to be the only girl you cared for and loved. That was what you promised."
She looked down at her hands, the wedding ring on her finger. She wasn't even sure why she even wore the extra weight anymore.
She knew why. It was the only reminder she had that he had loved her. That long ago, someone had loved and cared for her.
Anisha Hayes just wanted to be loved. Maybe that's why she had ended up so broken and shattered. Because over and over again, she had let her heart get played with, stepped on. Just because she had really thought that love would save her. She had just wanted someone to love her, to love all of her.
But if there was one thing she had been incapable of doing, it was fixing her broken heart.
Anisha pushed the hair out of her face and pressed her hand against her forehead. She could feel her face getting hotter.
She had a fever. A little small fever. But she wasn't strong enough to fight it.
Anisha silently begged, begged and prayed that it wasn't the end. She still had at least a few more days, if not weeks. She wanted a few more days, with her kids, with her family. But Sebastian had told her, and she knew very well, everything was going to go down from here.
She was fighting against time. But time was unpredictable.
Anisha smiled at him, one last time. Her lips slanted upwards and her eyes sparkled, just a little.
Anisha Hayes finally let go of the heartbreak and pain that had ruined her. And she turned to walk out of the room, away from the man who had broken her heart and shattered every piece of hope she had ever held.
"Wait Anisha." Andrew walked over to the dining table where she was standing. He awkwardly pulled out a chair and sat down at the dining table, right across from her. "I love her."
He looked down at his hands as he admitted his mistakes for the first time. As he acknowledged his failures for the first time.
"Mira, I love her. She...She's my daughter. I don't doubt that. I never did. I'm scared. Of having her hate me." He made a sucking noise with his lips as he looked away. There was one thing Andrew Hayes would never forget and that was disapproval that filled his son's eyes whenever he looked at him.
Andrew Hayes was a fuck-up. Once again. Always again.
"I'm scared she'll hate me as much as Ryan hates me. I'm scared of losing them." He ran a hand over his face, his mistakes were ruining him. His voice was barely above a whisper and he was looking everywhere but at her. It was hurting him to look at her. To look at the woman he ruined. The woman his mistakes had ruined. "And you. I'm scared of losing you."
"God Anisha, I fucked up." Andrew buried his face in his hands, hiding from the mistakes he had and the many people he had hurt.
He had no idea how to stop suffering. He was sick of suffering. He didn't know how to stop, though. No matter how much he wanted to.
Losing someone he loved and cared for had ruined him. It had ruined him and his own mistakes, in turn, had ruined his life and his marriage.
All of a sudden, it was though he'd never get to his sister again. He'd never get to see her laugh or tease him. And maybe, more than anyone, he resented his sister. For ruining his life.
"After Cassie died, everything just fell apart for me. I couldn't save her. Hell, I wasn't even there when she needed me. I was her younger brother. Of all people, I should've known someone was wrong with her. But I didn't." He snorted, lightly. It was a pathetic laugh at himself, sort of. His sister had called him, in the middle of the night, crying, begging for him to save her and instead, he had told her a stupid story.
He hadn't been there when Cassie had needed him. Or when Anisha had.
"But I guess that's my problem. I've never been there for anyone. Especially for the people I claim to love." His eyes snapped back to hers, begging her not to leave him. His eyes held a silent plea and he hoped she'd understand.
He couldn't lose her.
Of all things that had ever happened to him, to all things he had ever done, losing Anisha would destroy him.
And he begged, silently, pleading with her to not give up on him, to not give up on them.
"I'm sorry Anisha. Fuck, I'm sorry."
Andrew leaned back against the chair as a somber silence surrounded them.
Everything he wanted to say was on the tip of his tongue. Truthfully, he had no idea where to begin. It seemed as though his mistakes ran in circles, never ending and never beginning.
He finally said something, something that was a small start.
"You, Anisha, you always been what I wanted. You're what everyone wants. Fuck, I couldn't have asked for anything more. I swear, if there is anyone who's never been enough, it's me. I'm the one who's not enough. I'm not good enough, for you." He ran a hand through his hair, again. He always did, especially when he nervous.
"I have always fucked things up. It seems as though that's the only thing I know how to do. It's the only thing I'm capable of doing."
He was. He really was.
That's all Andrew Hayes was. He was always fucking up.
Anisha reached out, holding onto the chair in front of her. Steady. She was feeling a little dizzy. It was all too emotionally draining for her. She didn't have enough energy, she didn't want to waste whatever energy she did have. She wanted him to stop talking.
She didn't want to talk about his sister. She didn't want to talk about anything anymore. She just wanted to sleep.
"After Cassie..." He paused and awkwardly pulled on the collar of his shirt. The words left a bitter taste in his mouth, it was reality and it was the truth. It was what Cassie had done, no matter how much he didn't want to acknowledge it. "She... she killed herself. After she, I just. I don't fucking know. I blamed myself, I blamed you, I blamed my parents, I blamed everyone."
"I don't know how to deal with pain." His throat tightened as he pushed back a sob. "All I know how to do is fuck things up, to make a mess of things. That's all I know and that's all I've ever done."
That was exactly what he had done. With his wife. With his parents. With his son. With everyone.
With everyone, except his daughter.
Mira was different.
Ryan and Mira were the only reason Anisha had agreed to stay. But Mira, Mira was the one holding them together.
Mira was different. Mira was the only one who have him hope. Because she was the only one who didn't look at him like he was a failure, like he was always ruining things.
Andrew let out a long sigh. Everything was weighing down on him. It seemed that the guilt his heart carried was getting heavier and heavier.
"Mira, she's the only one who I haven't let down, yet. She's the only one who makes me feel like I'm actually worth something. When Mira smiles and laughs around me, it's the only time I feel like I'm worth something. Like I haven't completely fucked everything up yet." With everyone else, he had. Just not with Mira.
"I did, though. By doubting that she wasn't mine. I let her down. And I ruined this marriage. I've fucked up, far too many times to count. This marriage, I ruined it. And I ruined you. I know that. I just, I never saw that. I was far too deep in my own sorrow that I, I was far too caught up in my own pity and I never really realized what I was doing. Fuck, I still don't know what I'm doing. I have no idea how to make things better."
Andrew finally said the many things he'd kept pushed away. He finally admitted the things that he had tried to ignore to ease his pain, not that he had ever succeeded. "It was easier to blame you. That's all it was. It was easier to blame you, than to actually admit that I was the one who had fucked up. Because I am, Anisha. I'm nothing more than a fuck-up. To you. To Ryan. He doesn't even speak to me unless he needs something. I don't think he'll ever forgive me for what I did to you. And you shouldn't either. I'll never forgive myself. You shouldn't either."
He finally looked up and her heart broke further as his eyes met hers. "Why are you even here Anisha? Fuck Anisha, why'd you even stay?"
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I'm back! Haha :)
I literally finished my Bio Final a few hours ago and now I'm waiting for my parents to pick me up so I wrote this. Sorry it's kinda rushed and for the mistakes, I didn't feel like reading it. I'll probably write the next chapter on the way back home or I'll take a nap. Haha I'm so tired and it's been a long semester.
Also, I'm kinda sorry for sounding like a bitch the last note but I'm sick of people leaving paragraph-long comments about how they don't want to read my book anymore because they don't like Anisha, how they don't like that my book is slow or repetitive or because Anisha stayed for fourteen years and she still looks for someone to love her. But IDGAF. If you don't want to read it, then just leave. I have no problem with that. Just don't leave any hate, that's all I care. I filled out a wattpad ticket and had my book cleared :) my book is most definitely not mature. So yay!
I'll update regularly from now on. I promise. I'm going to be home until the end of January and I'll have a lot of free time. Other than that, thank you to every single one of you. I hope you guys have a great Holiday. I love candy canes, lol and I've never seen snow.
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