Isabelle's P.O.V
It's been a month since I went to the hospital. Every day is a struggle not to freak out about what will happen if I do this or that. I can't think properly. Not only that Ryder won't stop blowing up my phone. I want to chuck it at a wall sometimes and I'm not sure he even knows about my breakdown last month. I still wasn't ready to talk to him. I wasn't supposed to stress and he just might be my main source of it.
Flashback
My meltdown lasted minutes before my mom noticed my absence. "Honey, you alright?" She knocks and whispers.
Sucking in a bunch of air before being able to speak, I finally say, "I'm bleeding."
"Oh, sweetheart. Can I come in?"
"M'hm."
I unlock the door. She pulls me into a hug. I sniffle in her ear and look up at Noah. Noah looks like he has no idea what to do. Like the world around me is crashing and he has no way of helping me. The nurse advises me to sit down. When I tell her my symptoms, she quickly nods. "It might not be anything to worry about," she says. "The cramping feeling can be numerous things. We're going to just check everything out, okay?"
"Okay," I let out.
"Have you been stressed more than usual?"
"No, not really. I mean..."
As she looks up at the screen, she applies gel before tickling my stomach. The coldness is spread about my stomach as the nurse continues to stare at the screen and ask questions. I blurt the answers as if life itself depended on it and maybe one did. But she gives small smiles of reassurance.
The air felt dense and hard to swallow. Everything is unbelievably slow. Nothing could be heard except the shuffling of the paper under me and My mom and Noah nonchalantly pacing around the room. And when she left the room without warning, my heart sped up, nearly pumping its way out of my chest. If I wasn't stressed before I surely was now.
In her absence, the time had somehow gotten even slower. I couldn't help but think the worse. Stuck under stares of worried faces and gloop all over me, my mind seemed to have been racing my heart. Asking myself questions like what if neither one of us are okay? What if she is already gone? What if she isn't healthy? But I stop the what-ifs and just relax. Close my eyes and take in some silence before being shortly interrupted. "It's all going to be alright. I know it will, Izzy," Noah said softly, rubbing the length of my forearm.
I found it slightly comforting, but his words meant nothing. He can't know what will happen. No one can.
After a few more anxiety-filled minutes, the nurse returns with my O.B. Quickly apologizing for her abrupt disappearance, she shows the doctor a sheet attached to a yellow clipboard and the screen. He nods as he flips through a few sheets of papers and then returns his attention to the grey screen. Suddenly, the nurse begins to move the gel over me again and clicked some more buttons. It may have been no less than a minute but it felt like years. I wanted to express my anxiety but I thought it'd be right to stay relaxed, not because I wasn't supposed to panic or stress, but because this is their job; I shouldn't tell them how to do it, and, frankly, I was losing hope.
A revelation came over me when I heard the sweet sounds of loud thumping. It was music to my ears. Three, very long held sighs were released as I cry silent, happy tears. "Things seem to be fine. I think the cramps were just Braxton Hicks. Completely normal for your third trimester. There are a couple of things that we want you to be cautious of," the doctor assures, "Stress levels, physical activity, anything in that ballpark. But you should check in often to make sure everything stays copacetic."
When the doctor left and I was no longer hysterical, the nurse continued to discuss why things have happened the way they did. Or she said things that could have indicated further problems like with my placenta or a possible miscarriage.
In the span of forty-five minutes, my life has been flipped like a pancake, giving me a new sense of maternity. There is a lot more to being a mother.
**********************************************
I'm sitting in class and I hadn't been so distant in my life. When I had things going on at home or with my non-existent social life, School work was my main focus, but oddly for months, I couldn't think of anything other than staying healthy. I've taken an entirely new diet, moderate exercise, and even decided to baby-proof the house. Along with baby-proofing, I've used most the money to save up on diapers and child-care. So with work and my head spinning in either direction, my grades aren't as sufficient as they once were. B's and C's aren't the worse, but it doesn't suffice for me. I think it's a little too late to give up on the chance for valedictorian. Years of sacrifice and years of many more are not going to be given up now.
I sat listening to Mr. Lambert preach his class rules to talking students and tweaking the paragraphs on the board, unable to understand any of it. School has always been easy for me, comprehending things has never been a problem, but today seemed to contradict that. By the end of class, my face is flush with the desk. Amity shook me awake. "What's up Iz?"
I groan and pack my bags. Ignoring Amity, I ask Mr. Lambert, "Can I have the notes for the last couple of weeks in class?"
He hands me the packet and waves me out the room. Amity pulls back my shoulder and stares at me. Maybe I am to assume what she's supposed to say and how I am supposed to act but instead, I smile and walk to lunch. I imagine her scoff as she follows me to the cafeteria. "Isabelle!" she yells as I continue to walk to a cafeteria line.
I smile at her, shove my packet into my backpack, and walk up to the end of the line. "M'hm, what?" I say.
"What is up with you today? Sleeping in class? Ignoring me? Smiling like a lunatic?" She whispers, giving me a big smile.
I shrug her question off as I looked towards the lunch menu. Pizza, salad, and a protein pack, none of which sound appetizing, but I think I'm kind of in a pizza mood. When I ordered, she looked at me again with shock. I'm not acting differently.
During lunch, Amity kept looking at me. It was more or less starring, but she had had an expression that was worrisome. "What?" I ask as Amity looks back up at me.
"I didn't say anything," she counters.
"You keep looking at me. Is there something on my face?" I say before vigorously wiping the side of my mouth for possible crumbs.
"No," she laughs at me, "I don't know. You don't seem very... yourself."
"I'm fine."
"What about the baby? Have you spoken to Ryder?"
I shake my head and continue to eat. "The baby's fine," I say giving her another not-so-convincing smile.
She shakes off the conversation, but I can tell she is uneasy about something. "Is everything okay with you?" I ask taking a large bite out of my pizza.
"Yeah," she answers almost simultaneously. Maybe I have been acting weird, but Amity's acting weirder. Now that I think about it, she hasn't been socializing like usual and she hasn't been as persistent. I couldn't imagine what it is to get Amity to be so quiet.
"You sure?"
She nods and looks down at the table.
After lunch, I made a strenuous trip to meet up with Breanna before class. When I finally got to class, she stood there eyes wide open. Today was just a weird day.
"Hey, belle, about your birthday... Could you tell Amity that it should be on Sunday instead of Saturday? I can't make it Saturday. My dad wants me and my brother to go somewhere," Breanna greets.
"Uh, my birthday? Is that why Amity is acting funny?"
"Uh 'm, I don't know," she says in a confused manner.
I squint at her. Why would Amity be stressed over a party? This was second nature to her.
"Yeah, I can tell her," I assure, walking down the hall to sit down.
We discuss her parents' divorce. Her father moved out over a month ago and her mother has been a mess. When my mom and Matthew's father divorced, I think I had been more crushed than both Matt and my mom. Matthew definitely enjoys the separate holidays, but mom and Phill had mutually decided on the divorce. Me, on the other hand, lost another father. Breanna seems to be taking her parents' divorce better than 5-year-old me had. Then, Breanna went on about her father dragging her and her brother to some event this Saturday. She thinks he is deliberately trying to make her mother feel miserable with trips.
After the few minutes of ranting, the bell rang and she continued in class. History had been no different than the rest of my prolonged stress. I haven't missed school, but I wasn't there.
By sixth period, I officially had become lost. I shoved another thing of notes that I had to borrow from Noah into my backpack. Noah and I walked out and headed to the parking lot where he waits for his aunt and I wait for Amity. "Everything cool?" Noah asks while he quickly scrolls through his phone.
"Yeah, why wouldn't it be?"
"I'm not sure, making sure you're okay? Stop answering my questions with questions," he lets out a quick laugh before he notices his aunt drive up.
We say our goodbyes and give each other a hug. Not even moments later, Amity comes from behind, scaring me. "Fuck! I nearly gave birth," I comment.
Walking to the car, Amity couldn't stop laughing at my reaction to her scaring the crap out of me. And as contagious her laugh may be, I don't think anything could prepare me for what she was seeing. Her laugh abruptly stopped. I search her for an answer that might explain why she was acting weird again. Looking in her direction, I notice her car and Ryder. He was propped up against the driver side looking down at the ground. His car was parked on the other side. I feel Amity's eyes glued to my face, but I can't look away from him. This had to be some kind of dream; in reality, Ryder might as well be dead.
In the midst of the moment, his eyes flicker up to mine. Amity's hand finds my arm and she walks me over while Ryder comes closer.
"Isabelle," he said softly.
I look him in the eyes almost getting lost in them. His mesmerizing blue pools, that I'm afraid I could drown in, were searching mine. No, I can't let myself do this. I turn my gaze over to Amity that simply looks at the both of us before getting into the driver seat.
"Belle, please, I want to talk," he says and grabs my arm.
Emotions, that I had once tried to hide, came back. Anger, sadness, fear, had all came rushing back like they had never left. My heart begins to race and my mind goes blank. His stare was life crashing, but nothing could make up for what he did. I can't let him do this to me anymore. I don't need anybody else leaving me, not anymore.
I remove my arm from his hold in one move. Instead of sadness or fear, anger came over me. I blame him for everything. "No," I tell him straight to his face. Before I knew it, I was crying. They were hot, steaming tears that I had no control over. "Don't touch me."
"But, Iz-"
"I can't do this anymore, with you. I was foolish enough to sit around and wait for you. You let me sit there and wonder where you were. I was worried. Ryder, it's been months since the last time I saw you. You didn't call, text. I thought you loved me, huh?! I thought you changed," I cried. How stupid I could be to think he could change.
He attempted to reach for me again. As he did so, he looked down at my bump. A tear rolls down his cheek and before I let him speak or manipulate me into thinking any different, I say,"Ryder, I'm having your child. So you are just going to have to grow up. You can't leave whenever you feel like. You didn't even know I nearly miscarried. I needed you."
"Belle, listen. I can-"
"No, Ryder, I need a break from you. We're done!" I cry, but I say it firmly.
"You promised you wouldn't leave me. Can't you just listen?" he had the audacity to say.
"Leave you! Ryder, a promise goes both ways," I say wiping my tears from my face, entering the car. "I don't really ever want to see you again. I may have been just fine without you."
I slammed the door and locked it. Looking forward, I stared at the dashboard. I feel Amity and Ryder starring at me and hear muffled knocks. I was no longer mad, sad, or scared of the future, I was relieved, numbed.
"Isabelle? Do you want me to leave?" Amity asks.
I look up. His hand is affixed to the handle and his eyes affixed on me. "Yes."
He banged on the window and looked over at Amity with an intense expression, mouthing 'don't go'. Amity looked at me again. She unlocked the door. "What are you doing?" I ask.
Ryder kneels down to look me in the face, but before he could I throw my head in my hands. "Isabelle, listen to me, please," he stutters.
I can't. I know what he would do if I did. He has this power over me and I no longer am allowing it. "I wanted to talk to you. I swear."
I didn't let him finish. I threw the bag over my shoulder and began walking. "Isabelle!"
"What, Ryder?! Are you going to tell me how much you love me? How much you want to be in the baby's life? You're driving me absolutely crazy!" I yell, looking back at him and Amity. "I don't want to hear it. You're a bad boy. You like smoking and drinking. And you know what... that's fine, but stop dragging me down with you. I'm having a baby for Christ's sake... could you be any more stupid? Can you make me feel any stupider?"
He looks at me longingly, but he's nothing more than a victim to his own actions. "Belle, I promise-"
I turn around and continue down the street. "Your promises mean nothing."
After that, he didn't chase me. He didn't say anything. The first time in a long time, I was stuck with nothing but my thoughts. My grades are falling; I officially dumped a boy, and I'm 8 months pregnant at the age of 16. I was different. I didn't care.