er hi - don't murder me?
#10
The Smiths Pub was far too popular - with the exception of all the skiers gathered here for their results. The whole pub was pretty much made of the wood which was located on the mountains nearby and the bar men seemed to be English not French which surprised me. Phil, Louis, Max and I were stood at the front of the crowd by the small stage where all the instructors were sat - one of them making a speech. Our parents were at the back with Tilly since she didn't like the large crowds which overwhelmed the small area. Phil still wasn't really talking to me still, he seemed to be in a bad mood constantly and the only time he would talk to me was when he was bothering me about Louis. Even now, he was scowling. My mind was jumping to the conclusion that he was indeed jealous.
"What medal do you think you'll get then?" Louis asked.
"Bronze, I was really bad," I chuckled slightly.
"I will probably get none," Louis replied, his messy hair falling over his face again unlike his brother's which was straighter.
I tucked his hair behind his ears again.
"Thanks but you really shouldn't bother, my hair is always like this," Louis said simply.
Max laughed a little beside him.
"I'd much rather have your hair," Max said, ruffling his brothers hair as if he was older or even more dominant.
In which Louis hunched his back and swatted him away.
As if it wasn't obvious enough, today we met Louis' twin Max, they were completely identical - almost like they were just copies of each other. I sighed sipping my coke as one of the instructors finished his speech and told us we could see our instructors for our results. James walked up to us as Maxsaid he was going to go buy himself a drink. James gathered everyone around him who was in his group and he pulled out some booklets from his pocket.
"Well done guys, it was a pleasure teaching you all," he said smiling.
He fumbled throughout the booklets and then picked one.
"Netty here's yours," he said smiling, handing it to her and kissed her cheeks.
She blushed slightly and looked inside her booklet.
"Ben," James said handing him the booklet and kissed both his cheeks.
I guessed it was a tradition as all the ski instructors were doing it - I was rather ignorant to these things. James did the same with everyone and handed me mine, telling me I had to work on turning a little but then I'd be fine. He pecked my cheeks and I blushed slightly before turning around watching Phil have the same done to him out of the corner of my eye as I made my way back to my parents. I flicked through my booklet and found the results page. My eyes flickered down to where it said whether I got bronze, silver or gold. I smiled as I found out I had a silver and my improvement advice was how to turn properly.
"What medal did you get Daniel?" mum asked smiling, jogging Tilly who was on her hip.
"I got silver," I beamed.
"Well done!" my parents praised - my dad patted my back.
We looked over at Phil who greeted his parents, showing them his results and Mrs Lester hugged him smiling. I assumed he must've done well because Mrs Lester hadn't really ever shown Phil such affection and I could tell he was shocked too. I noticed he hugged back though and when they let go his eyes shone like the best thing in the world happened to him. Maybe it was - and it made me smile.
"Shall we go back to the hotel? A big day tomorrow since we're going home," my dad suggested.
"I think we should, Tilly has already drifted off," mum agreed gesturing to Tilly who had fallen asleep on my mum's shoulder with her long brown locks covering her soft face. I tucked some of the locks behind her ear and nodded.
After finishing our drinks, walked out of the pub and started to make our way back to the hotel, the snow crunching under our snow boots. It felt even colder tonight, the cold biting on any bare skin. I wrapped my arms around myself after rubbing my hands together to create heat. I almost expected for Phil to wrap his arms around me, breathing on my neck and whispering something in my ear, with 'Danny boy' being in there at some point. But no, he was stood as far as he could get from me, beside his dad, his fringe covering his eyes like he had been brooding. I felt my heart dampen slightly, he seemed so happy for a moment and now he looked like he was being rained on. I looked away and a smile tugged on my lips slightly as I saw Tilly had drooled slightly as she shuffled sub-consciously in my mum's arms.
Moments later, we arrived in the bar area, my mum kissed my cheek and told me to set an alarm for three am as we had to be downstairs by four am for a small continental breakfast and at five am we were getting on the coach although our flight was at ten o'clock. It seemed pretty ridiculous to my dad and I. Even Tilly had a little rant about it earlier to me because she didn't want to get up that early and would have to wait three hours till we got on the flight. Phil and I got in the lift again, ignoring me all the way up. We were both silent as the door to our room opened and Phil let me enter first.
"Thanks," I said almost inaudibly.
He just nodded and brushed past me into the bathroom. I sighed, what was his problem? One moment he wanted to sleep with me and the now he's being an absolute dick head. I pulled my shirt off and my jeans followed, climbing into bed with just my boxers on. I grabbed my phone and put an alarm on for three am as my mum suggested. I felt Phil slide in the bed next to me and I looked behind me, finding he was on the edge of the bed. Instead of sadness, I felt slight anger this time but I didn't confront him. I just turned around and tapped him.
"What do you want?" He said quietly, turning to look at me.
"What medal did you get for skiing?" I asked.
"Gold,"
I smiled.
"That's really good, I got silver."
"Well done Danny boy," he smirked and propped himself up on his elbow, he'd finally warmed up a little.
However I didn't roll my eyes this time, instead I raised my eyebrows. Phil then frowned suddenly and laid down.
"You looked really happy when your mum hugged you earlier Phil," I said.
"I was,"
"Why not now?"
Phil closed his eyes and then opened them again, the blue piercing my own brown eyes.
"Because,"
"Because what?"
"Just because,"
My frowned deepened.
"Why can't you talk to me?" I asked frustrated.
"You wouldn't understand," he said casually.
"I wouldn't? Phil we used to be best friends -"
"Yeah, used to be." He snapped before turning away from me and attempting to sleep. I turned away from him too, grabbing the pillow I was lying my head on and forced myself asleep in despite of my mood.
***
I almost jumped awake, my eyes snapped open as my phone bursted into song as my alarm went off. I rubbed my eyes and switched my alarm off, steadying my breathing after my alarm almost scared me half to death. I felt the cold overwhelm me suddenly as some arms removed themselves from my torso, I glanced behind me and saw Phil standing up, taking some clothes and locking himself in the bathroom. My brows furrowed together. What the hell was he doing?
I got out of bed, making it quickly and then finding some lazy clothes to wear. I thought about mines and Phil's conversation last night. I was stupid, why on earth did I think I could get him to open up to me? Of course he wouldn't. Even when we were best friends, he wouldn't open up to me completely. Especially about his parents. He always seemed distant from them and I never understood why. I huffed as I pulled on my clothes, shoving my phone in my jean pocket and then slipped on a big woolly jumper. Once Phil left the bathroom I proceeded to brush my teeth, leaving my hair curly as I had no time to straighten it. I walked back into the room which seemed empty even though the only things packed away where my own and Phil's. I was actually going to miss this place despite what has happened during this week - I feel empty and nostalgic. I clutched my hands together and closed my eyes breathing softly.
I turned around and suddenly Phil was there, his lips connected with mine for a brief moment, not giving me a chance to return it. He stepped back and looked at me straight in the face.
"I had to do that once, before I break your heart." He said before he turned away and picked up his suitcase.
Then he threw the room keys on the bed we had slept in together for the last week – even becoming intimate in. Afterwards; he left the room, closing the door, his hand luggage slung over his shoulder and his suitcase trailed behind him. For some reason I felt like crying, I felt like throwing everything I could at the walls. I wanted to break down on the floor, I wanted to be held as I let some of the tears fall down my cheeks aimlessly. My heart stung and my stomach tied itself in knots over and over. My hands balled into fists before I wiped some of the tears away. But why was I crying?
Before I break your heart.
I didn't understand; I didn't understand and it was so frustrating. I wiped my tears away and picked up my hand luggage and suitcase too, looking around the room one last time before I locked the door and walked down the stairs to meet my parents, sniffling as I went. Once I had reached downstairs my mum smiled, hugging me, running her hand through my hair which made the tears come back again as it reminded me of how Phil's hand ran through my hair when we kissed.
That night.
That night would curse me forever, it would haunt me until the day I die and I will never be able to escape it... Nor out run it. My mum noticed me sobbing and pulled me closer into her chest whispering that it was okay even though I doubt what she knew I was sobbing about but I didn't know either. I felt a tug at my shirt and I turned to see Tilly's large orbs looking up at me, holding a croissant up to me.
"I got you a croissant Danny, don't cry," she whispered.
I smiled weakly and took the croissant, then wiped my tears away.
"Sorry T, I'm just being silly," I chuckled lightly.
"Don't be sorry, I'm going to miss this place too," she said smiling.
Oh.
"Yeah, we can miss it together can't we?" I replied, biting my croissant.
Tilly giggled.
"Yeah we can! Mummy can we come back next year please! We can come with Phil's family too and it'll be so much fun!"
My mum smiled warmly, ruffling Tilly's hair.
"Of course we can sweetie."
She glanced at me and nodded to the side as if she wanted to speak to me. Of course she did. I came down crying just after Phil came down the stairs. Plus, she was my mum, she was probably worried. I took another bite of the croissant but felt sick so on the way down to the lobby I threw it in the bin when Tilly wasn't looking so I didn't break her spirits. I felt bad for throwing it away but I felt sick – maybe it is getting up early too? For fucks sake, I was such a mess over nothing.
My mum sat me down and pulled me into another hug. I wrapped my arms around her too, it felt nice, someone hugging me, and I hadn't had someone hug me in a while. It felt nice, but these arms weren't Phil's.
"Dan, why are you crying?" mum asked as she let me go.
"Just... Just..."
"Just what honey?"
I looked up at my mum.
"I'm just really going to miss this place, could we come back again next year?"
My mum smiled.
"I'm going to give you credit for trying to not be a pain but Dan, what is really the matter?"
"I'm a mess mum," I said plainly. "I just... messed up mine and Phil's ... friendship."
Hopefully she couldn't tell I was still lying. Mum nodded and stroked my shoulder sympathetically, telling me it was her fault for encouraging me to kiss him and that I shouldn't be hard on myself. I felt lighter though; the urge to cry was gone.
***
The plane was loud as it landed the wet country in which I lived. The UK just dampened my mood even more. And to know I had school in a days' time and had to do a project made me feel worse. My mum hadn't left me alone the whole ride home, Phil gave me looks every now and then but then he would look away as if he didn't do a thing. But I still loved him, even if I felt my heart crumble. I thought over those words so many times in my head.
Before I break your heart.
I wished he would open up to me, I wished... I wished I didn't feel as much regret as I did now. I was so ignorant, since I had Phil all to myself I thought I could get him to open up to me. But my downfall was that kiss, and those words. They were famous in my ears like my confession was in his.