I picked myself up off the ground, staring out, bewildered, at the dark world around me. What was going on? My head throbbed incessantly, preventing me from thinking straight. If life had been weird before, it no longer made any sense at all.
Life had changed so much within the past day, and I wasn't sure how to cope with it. How was I supposed to? Even a therapist wouldn't be able to justify this level of deranged. I didn't know whether to believe what I'd seen or not.
"Get it together," I commanded myself, brushing the dirt from my clothes.
The temperature had dropped again, and it bit into my skin with a renewed sense of vengeance. Frustration welled up in me, as I stifled a scream of irritation. The universe was laughing, I was sure of it. Yet another strange occurrence without justification. I was just as, if not more, lost than before, in life and in walking home.
Even if I found a payphone I hadn't memorized Jenna's number or Alex's for that matter, nor did I have the change to make the call.
All I wanted to do was curl up and go to sleep. Was it really too much to ask? Confusion, fury and helplessness... they all blinded me as I stood, trying to calm my swirling emotions.
I felt my hand unconsciously reach out behind me for the velvety ears if Bear, but he wasn't there for me to rely on anymore. I was more alone than ever, and totally fed up.
Half-heartedly, I traipsed down the street, my eyes and my heart heavy.
Thankfully, all roads lead to Rome, as it were, and I ended up outside of the Taurus Building, bedraggled but alive. Thoroughly exhausted, I trudged up to my apartment, almost crying in relief when it came into sight.
You can imagine my dismay when I reached into my pocket for a key that was never there. The utter stupidity of the situation hit me, and on impulse, I slammed my forehead against the door.
The impact rattled my teeth and sent my head ringing. Whimpering pathetically, I let the cool of the door seep into my forehead. My hand rested on the handle as I wished it was open with all my might.
Surprisingly enough, it was.
In her rush to get me out of there, Jenna must have forgotten to lock it. Her carelessness was a blessing at that moment. Not even bothering to do anything else, I dragged myself inside, bone tired and fed up. I collapsed into bed and into blissful sleep.
***
My dreams were fragments of my day shoved together in a cruel reenactment, a sinister, broken movie. When I woke, I could no longer remember what had happened in them.
***
I came to calmly, waking myself, without the help of sunlight or an alarm. It was terribly quiet. As I lay there, in total darkness, I listened to the silence. So quiet, so dark. No longer was there the warmth of a living, breathing companion pressed against my side. There weren't any quiet noises of comfort.
All there was, was silence, and I.
Oddly enough, it was soothing. Silence didn't assault, lie or deceive, it didn't ever truly die; a constant friend, though sometimes unnerving and unwanted.
I didn't understand those who hated silence, who actively defied its presence at any time they could. Loud noises and activity cluttered the mind and faded out important, true thoughts. Sometimes, nothing was better. No distractions, only time to be caught by the things I'd been running from, whether I wanted to or not.
In my case, there was nothing to run from, or be caught by. All there was were unanswered questions. That's all there ever was. Is that all there would ever be?
For hours, I questioned my life, other people, the world, existence in itself. I found that there were no real certainties or answers, but I kept searching for them, just as all of humanity did.
Ultimately, we all wanted answers to our questions, but I realized that only we had them.
It was then that I was filled with a sense of resolution, of my own certainty. Just as the sun graced the horizon with its presence, began to warm the earth once again, that I closed my eyes, and let myself fade into oblivion.
***
I was snapped back into a body, grounded on earth. Blinking, I glanced around my surroundings. Images were... off somehow, unclear, muted. A fiery red-headed girl looked at me, shooting me a hard stare.
"You can't just wait here forever, you know, asking questions all the time."
I had the distinct feeling of floating, as if I wasn't actually real.
"Take it from me, it doesn't end well."
Her form was oozing light, translucent and wispy. It gave her an otherworldly glare.
Still, I stayed, and she shook her head, her pale lips tilting downwards. Her aura dimmed, draining the remaining color out of our static surroundings.
"You humans never take what you have; you always have to have more."
I swallowed, hating the foreboding tone in her tremulous voice. She moved, and one step had her form transparent. Just like that, she was gone.
"Curiosity killed the cat," She whispered in my ear, and I could feel her breath on the side of my face. Her warm, soft hands gripped my shoulders, and everything began to disappear. "You know more than you think you do, nothing is a coincidence, not for you," She said, her voice tugging at the place in my brain that refused to remember what had happened to me, "Don't say I didn't warn you." Her grip on me loosened, as if she was resigned to the fact that nothing would change my mind, that I wouldn't let go, "Knowledge makes you more vulnerable to Him."
Darkness crept in until I could no longer feel her hands, her breath. All I could hear was her voice.
"Don't let your heart guide you; it is often wrong, after all."
***
The answers I'd received weren't clear, and didn't shed light on my situation, but they were answers, and I was happy enough with that. I didn't have time to think about what it could all mean, however, when I looked at my alarm clock and realized that I was going to be late.
Shooting out of bed with a renewed store of energy, and a brighter state of mind, I hurriedly got changed, snatched my textbooks off the kitchen counter and grabbed some breakfast before dashing out the door.
Blessedly, the roads were clear of major traffic, and I managed to make it to school just as the bell rang.
I joined the crowd in travelling toward the front doors. People pushed and shouldered me out of the way, disregarding my existence completely. I couldn't place why the feeling was so strange to me. Each impact with a person brought my mediocre mood down a notch. This closeness with people was disarming, and very confusing. Hadn't I felt this before? I must have.
It hit me full force when I finally noticed the difference.
Bear wasn't here.
I felt vulnerable and weak all over again. He'd allowed me a wide radius of space, had kept any near threats away. Now that he wasn't there, I was nothing. I was Just another person to be ignorant of in the fray of school. That fact shot the last bit of confidence I had left in me, and twisted a knife in my stomach.
A bitter feeling manifested itself in my stomach as I walked down the hallway, gripping my textbooks so hard that it hurt.
Little did I know, my day was just about to get worse.
Two people barred my way, leaning against the lockers surrounding mine. My stomach dropped, and my body fought to turn tail and run. Their heads snapped toward me, sly grins unashamed on their faces.
Please, not today, I pleaded in my head, sure that, just like sharks, they sensed my fear.
"Hey there, Blaise," Courtney mocked, giving her hair a flick, "Where's that mutt of yours?"
"He's dead," I answered, surprising myself with the bluntness of my voice.
Courtney's eyes flashed with surprise before she smothered it and crossed her arms over her chest, "That's too bad, no one to protect you now."
Tina stepped up, a satisfied sneer on her face, "Now I suggest you apologize."
Mental exhaustion and acceptance crept into my body, shielding me from the sparks of anger that should be flaring. I felt my shoulders hunch over with the weight of the world.
"I'm sorry," I said simply, stunning them both momentarily.
Silence hung between us. My friend called Silence. Where defeat had once lain, indignation rose. Why was I apologizing? I had nothing to be sorry for, I would not lie down and take their bullying and cure their insecurity in themselves.
"I'm sorry that you both feel the need to pick on people, just to make yourselves feel better," I carried on abruptly, raising my eyes to face them squarely. Why should I be afraid of two high school girls? I'd fared well enough with worse things, I was better than this, and it was high time that they knew it. "I'm sorry that the world isn't a perfect place, that people have probably put you down and made you into the bitter people you are."
They both gaped at me, red erasing the prettiness of their features as my voice gathered courage with every word, "I'm even sorry for blowing up at you and Drake the other day, truly, I am." I took a breath, stepping toward them with every apology. "But I am not, under any circumstance, sorry for being here or being myself."
My tirade came to an end, and I softened my voice.
"And neither should you."
With that, I gave them both a measured stare, right in the eyes, and walked away.
Every word I had spoken was the truth, and pride glowed warm in my chest as I recognized it. This time, I'd handled my anger well; I hadn't tried to hurt them with words.
After all, bullies were just people with a lot of hurt inside of them. No one was just born mean, spiteful or ignorant. Going down to their level, or giving them a taste of their own medicine was never going to work. They knew how it felt.
It felt good to have dealt with at least one problem in my life.
In math, I took a seat and ignored the fact that everyone was staring. Yes, Bear was gone, but it was hardly cause for more attention. I was really racking up a high score this week.
"Where were you yesterday?" Alex asked, his tone icy and less than conversational as he sat down at the empty table beside me.
I rolled my eyes, too used to his mood swings to be bothered by his attitude anymore. Instead of responding, I opened my textbook to the page we were supposed to be on and started on the equations. If he wasn't going to answer my questions, I wouldn't answer his.
"Did you hear me?" He demanded under his breath, through his teeth as he followed suit with the work.
Exaggeratedly, I stopped writing, raising the pen tip from the page, "I didn't know that you cared."
He scowled at his paper, his knuckles going white from the grip he had on his pen. "So everyone just listens to you, early in the morning and late at night, talking about strange things?"
I blushed furiously at the actuality that he was right. The implication was there, also, that he cared about me. There wasn't just the blooming warmth of pride in my chest anymore.
"Sorry," I admitted sheepishly, acknowledging that I may have taken it a little too far. Confidence was only a good thing in moderation. "I just had some things to deal with and it kind of got to me, I ended up in hospital."
Alex was noiseless for a while, his pen not faltering in its stroke, "Bear's gone?" He asked finally, after finishing a question.
I nodded, keeping the familiar despair locked away, not trusting my voice.
"You're alright, though? No lasting damage?" He looked up at me, his eyes searching for mine. I returned his stare, feeling comforted by his presence.
"Yeah, I'll be alright."
The pressure of his hand hesitantly squeezing mine, stopped my heart, and I ducked my head to hide the smile that grazed my lips.