Five | Signs
It's important to know when a sign is a sign and when it is not.
I wasted my breathe on far too many to not know the difference. To not understand the consequences of wanting that Instagram relationship you see on your timeline so often. The potential to have your heart broken over expectations that just couldn't be met.
You give your time and energy into just wanting to experience the one you see potential in. Wanting to know them on a deeper level than just what they choose to show the world. And you'll take those small signs that could mean everything and nothing at the same time, and you'll run with them blindly. Free of doubt and disappointment.
But I was far beyond that point. Because of never knowing when that sign would hit me, I wondered daily, "did he think about me the way that I did him?"
I wanted so much to not like him. I wanted so much for that sign to hit me. I just wanted a legitimate answer. No hidden meanings, no taking back words we said or the actions we did.
That warm hug of a genuine compassion for each other for example. How else would I have to take that? Friends don't hug the same way we do. Not even straight boys in general hug other boys that long.
That was one thing I never understood about him. Why give me hope but never act on it? Why do things just to have my attention and never make any use of it? Hit me smack dab in the face with that sign. Sure it'll hurt emotionally but I'd rather have a complete "no" then a half-assed "yes".
I gazed at him once he released me from his hug.
"Aight so what you wanna do first?" He said clasping his fist in his palm, "We can play the game, smoke a couple of blunts, cook, whatever you wanna do." I had taken a seat back on the bed. Looking at him, I shrugged not thinking too deep into any of the options. We could've watched the grass grow and I wouldn't have cared.
"Nigga don't shrug at me," he chuckled grabbing a pair of socks out of his drawer and throwing it at me, "Pick something."
I huffed against his extra-ness.
Finally giving it a thought, it would only make sense to organize everything he just said to be able to do all of it today.
"We can just do everything in that order. Just smoke first."
He nodded in a cooing motion, turning around to face his dresser. I played with my fingers waiting for him to say something while we sat in silence.
I looked around again. This time noticing a framed basketball jersey. Next to it being a younger picture of Joel and his big brother.
"You gonna get comfortable?" He snapped my attention back to him. He had turned around from whatever he was doing at his dresser. I had hoped I didn't look completely uncomfortable. However, I were both nervous and anxious around him. New environments always put a knot in my stomach.
"What do you mean?" To be sure I asked for clarification.
"Take your shoes off or something." He laughed, "You look like you scared."
"I'm not." I lied, so uncomfortable I couldn't find it in me to look him in his eyes. I unzipped my jacket and loosened my shoe strings, kicking my shoes off by the heel. My inner thoughts telling me to breathe in and exhale to hold off psyching myself out.
I cleared my throat and my thoughts, returning my eyes to the picture on the wall, " When did he get out again?"
He looked over his shoulder to me with a raised eyebrow, "Who? Ricky? He been out for like a month or two. You don't remember me talking about him to you?"
I shook my head no. "Only a little bit. I remember his name but barely."
"Well yeah, that nigga out. I missed him more when he was in jail then when he came out. He a jerk now." He chuckled.
Closing his drawer, he approached me at his bed with a notepad in one hand along with other things I couldn't see curled up in his other hand. He threw the notepad next to me and sat down on the other side of it, releasing two baggies of broken down weed out of his grip along with the cigarillos he needed to roll.
"You gonna help this time?" A chuckle escaped his lips as the smell of weed quickly started taking up space in his room.
"I'm still waiting on you to teach me." I shrugged once more. I had never learnt how to do this as I was still only a casual smoker and majority of the time, people didn't enjoy me touching their blunt.
He shook his head and began the process by himself. I watched intently, hoping I could learn by looking at the way he curled the leaf under his fingertips gently and tightly.
"So.."
"So?"
"So I got a few questions to ask you." Curiosity filled his voice, " And tell me the truth please." My heart started beating so fast I felt as if it were gonna jump out of my chest. Even though I was gay and pretty open about it if someone were to ask, anytime a "straight" boy told me that they had to ask me something, it always crossed my mind that he were going to ask the big question: Are you gay?
Sure I knew I was gay but I still wasn't comfortable enough to go around telling everyone. Not that I was ashamed of myself by any means. It was always a fear of mine. People are so quick to judge you based off of one small portion of your life, it's scary. I wanted to be liked for me. Known for simply being me and nothing else. If I were gonna be judged by the person I had the biggest crush on ever, I'd rather curl up in a ball and hide under a rock.
I couldn't show my fear or interest in him specifically.
"What you think about me and Tiara?" A breathe finally escaping my body silently as he got the question off his mind but in that same breathe, creating a semi attitude within my own.
"I don't think about you and Tiara."
"Come on smartass," He nudged me on my shoulder a little letting a soft laugh out his lips before becoming serious again, "Be real with me. You know I trust you and your opinion."
I huffed and shook my head, "What's there to say? You like her, she like you. My opinion don't matter." I had hoped he couldn't hear the disappointment in my tone.
"It matter to me." He looked to me, sealing the last leaf together with his mouth.
"Why though?" I said with a tilt in my head. He was playing his mind games with me again. Or at least what I assumed to be mind games. "I really don't get it."
He looked down with a grin, before getting up and walking back towards his dresser, grabbing a lighter and switching a big fan on. "I like talking to you." He shrugged, "I know you not gonna just tell me what I wanna hear." A flicking sound came from the lighter as he took the blunt to his mouth. Again, I watched him smoke his thoughts away. I really have to stop helping supporting this bad habit he and I both have.
"So tell me," He walked back towards his bed and in front of me, blocking my view of his TV making me huff once more. "You think she tryna play me?" he squatted down to my level.
I huffed, "She's cool I guess. I don't think much of her, we don't talk like that. But if you keep questioning y'all little 'situation-ship' y'all got going on then maybe the two of you shouldn't be together." Saying that could've made me sound jealous but these were my honest thoughts and since that's what he wanted, I won't hold back. "What is the point in being with somebody if every little thing they do or did made you question their loyalty to you? Maybe I just take everything too seriously but that's not healthy. And you don't deserve that."
He would stare at me blankly from the floor before grabbing on to my leg. Here he goes again. His silence is talking for him once more and I don't know if I can stand to listen to nothing again. The motions of his hands moving up and down like the rollercoaster of emotion he puts me through.
A vibration in his pocket stopped him long before I thought to. He took it out and glanced and at the screen, chuckling and showing it to me, "Speak of the devil," he bit his lip in a grin getting up from his squatting position and passing me the blunt.
My words of meaningful thought going through one ear and out the other as he took his call. All of what I said, and still he couldn't see me.
Words obviously couldn't reach him but actions certainly would. The remaining question being "Is he worth it?"
"Yeah, I ain't doing nothing though babe." Joel sat in the background while I grabbed the controller to his game system.
Was one action worth losing a friend I've known most of my life?
"You want me to come over?" I heard him say. I glanced over to see what was going on, I would have happily left if that's what he wanted but he had a confused look on his face as he asked the question.
"Oh for real?"
His conversation sounded interesting as he paced the room. I made it a point to try to listen but couldn't hear the other side of the phone.
"You tryna do what?" He smirked, walking over to me. My facial expression cringed at the thought of what they were talking about. He put his fingers through my hair as he talked and their conversation got more intimate.
Irritated would be too calm to describe my emotions right now. Rubbing his relationship in my face.
I shook my head for the last time, shaking his hands out of my hair and pausing the video game. I sat his blunt down, put my shoes back on and tied them up while he stayed on the phone.
I wasn't mad but at that point, there was no reason to be there any longer.
He had shown me all he needed to. Said all that there was to say.
Once my shoes got tied, I reached for my jacket. "Mhm." Joel said on the phone, snatching the jacket away from my reach.
I groaned and rolled my eyes.
"Give me a second bae, Ima call you back," he said finally taking the phone from his ear, "where you going?"
"To mind my business."
"Damn. What you mad at me now?" He laughed, getting back to his original spot in front of me. He towered over me.
"No, you can give me my jacket though." I mugged.
He responded with a very fake puppy dog face, wrapping his arms around my head with a hug, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," He said repeatedly in his grasp, making me fall back on the bed from his weight.