Sajdaa Taha
Walking down the pavement, I felt each step weigh more than the last, my shoulders heavy. School had been dreadful as always, and with my lack of concentration, I was even more annoyed than usual. The constant tests and quizzes kept me awake late at night along with all my other thoughts about the killer.
All those moments where he followed me, his hoodie covering everything, and that gun that pointed directly at Malik pierced me in ways I'd never known.
I sighed, continuing the long walk home. Life could be rough sometimes and I knew it first handedly, but for once, I wondered what it would be like to get away from all the stress and drama. For once, what would it feel like to be a normal teen that didn't have to fear for her life?
The killer had something personal against me. My death wouldn't be a simple gunshot like Mr. and Mrs. Hollen, no, my death would be a masterpiece in the killer's eyes, where death would be a blessing from torture. Saying I wasn't afraid was an understatement, but I had to be strong. Those lives of the people I'd known would not be in vain.
"Why so blue?" asked an amused voice.
I stopped, seeing the police car beside me. "Officer Nathan?"
"You mean the incredibly handsome Nathan, don't you?" he smirked.
I rolled my eyes. "No, I mean the plain and boring Nathan," I countered.
"That hurts."
"Good. It was suppose to."
"Someone needs to teach you a lesson in good manners," he frowned.
"Thanks for the offer, but I really don't care."
His blue eyes glimmered. "Need a ride?" he asked.
"Nope," I said as I continued walking away from his car.
"Sajdaa!" he yelled. "Wait up."
I heard the door to his car shut, the car beeping as he turned off his engine. I turned to him with a raised eyebrow.
Officer Nathan shrugged, "I'm a bit bored of my police duties."
"Why are you even a cop?"
"Cause I look incredibly sexy in the uniform," he grinned.
"I was being serious."
"So was I."
I face palmed. "Bye, Officer Nathan!" I shouted over my shoulder, walking away once again.
Officer Nathan jogged up beside me till he was by my side, leaving a good distance between the two of us. "I just thought you needed someone to talk to," he smiled. "You looked so sad. It didn't feel right to leave you like that."
I was flattered, but his words didn't make me feel the slight jolt of happiness like Malik's words did. Whenever Malik would comfort me in any way, I felt the jolt of intimacy between us. We didn't need to touch for me to feel electrified by his presence, completely stunned from the genuine care he'd show.
With Officer Nathan, it was different. There was no spark or tingling sensations. There was no extra beat in my heart. I was pleased to know he was one of the officers that cared about catching the killer and not accusing me of a crime, but that was all I felt towards him: respect.
For some reason, I felt pulled towards the blue-eyed officer, to confess the horror I internally faced. "I guess Jay's death took a toll on me," I mumbled.
His eyebrows furrowed. "Don't you hate Jay?" he questioned.
"Of course I do. It's just that he was the closest person to the killer. He knew who the killer was and before he could tell us, he died," I sighed. "And now we're back to square one."
"Hey," he started softly, "don't think so negatively. Our police department will find the killer. Yeah, Jay's dead, but that doesn't mean we won't be able to find the killer."
I let out a breath. "I guess you're right. Everything just seems to be going so fast, the difference between the deaths are getting shorter."
"It means the killer is getting desperate, Sajdaa."
"What do you mean?" I asked, confused.
"The more victims the killer takes and the shorter the time between the deaths mean that the killer is getting anxious. One death isn't enough for the killer to be satisfied," he stated, lowly so only my ears would hear. "The more he kills the closer he is to getting you."
"But why delay it?"
"Sajdaa, you're special to the killer. That means your death has significant meaning to him, good or bad," he said, giving me a tight smile. "Let's just hope he doesn't try to get you too soon."
Another police car stopped in front of us, rolling its window down as the engine roared. Familiar hazel eyes locked with my own, capturing me in a trance that I never wanted to escape from, but the moment was short-lived because Malik's eyes narrowed at Officer Nathan, who visibly shifted.
"Nathan, what are you doing?" questioned Malik, suspiciously as he looked between the two of us. His jaw clenched. "I thought you were on patrol duty not girl duty."
Officer Nathan grinned, "She looked so lonely that I just had to entertain her with my presence."
I rolled my eyes, stepping away from the feuding officers.
"Nathan, did you forget about the killer? Stop flirting with her," demanded Malik, fury lacing his voice.
"You can't tell me what to do."
"Nathan," growled Malik in warning, his grip tightening on the wheel.
"Talk to you later, Sajdaa," winked Officer Nathan as he turned to walk back to his car, humming a childish tune on his merry way.
I brought my attention back to Malik, who was still glaring at Officer Nathan's back, clearly upset over the whole situation. I, however, was even more annoyed at his rude behavior towards Officer Nathan. He was just trying to comfort me, but Malik became enraged by it.
"What's your problem?" I hissed.
"Get in the car."
"No."
His head snapped towards me. "What?" he frowned.
"Ask nicely and I will," I bargained.
He pinched the bridge of his nose, exhaling deeply. "Are we honestly playing this game right now?"
"I could just leave."
"Okay!" he exclaimed. "Would you please get in the car?"
I scoffed. "Not genuine enough. Try again."
"Please with a cherry on top?" he tried.
"I hate cherries."
He sighed, glancing at his wristwatch. "Sajdaa, I really don't have time for this."
"So, ask me nicely," I said, crossing my arms and tapping one foot against the ground. "I'm waiting."
Perhaps, I was a jerk for doing this to the helpless police officer that allowed his emotions to get the best of him, but it was a suitable form of payback. Malik had to drop his pride if he wanted me to go to the station with him. Yeah, I'm a jerk.
"Sajdaa, would you please get in the car this time?"
"No."
"I'll buy you a doughnut," he finally said, defeated.
I opened the door to the police car, sitting behind Malik and quickly buckled myself in. I readjusted my backpack to the seat beside me, and patiently waited for Malik to start the car, but he was staring at me with a slightly dropped jaw.
"What?" I asked, innocently.
He adjusted himself. "Women are so difficult," he muttered to himself as he started the engine again.
* * * *
The scenery blurred, different shades of red, brown, and yellow blending into the ocean in the sky. Clouds joined, dancing near the autumn colors as a gentle breeze brushed the glass that separated me from the outside world. The sultry heat of summer was gone, no more of its burning stares. Instead, the temperature shifted, cooling the harshness in the world.
There weren't many cars out today. Most people hid behind the doors, praying that they wouldn't be the next victim. People hid in fear, cowering from the unknown and those who they believed that were unknown: the Muslims. It was the Muslims' fault in their eyes.
Their hearts were hardened by stone, colored in ink that clouded their eyes from the clear truth that rang bells through the cities. The bells urged for their unwavering attention, but was left with the backs of the ignorant. I glanced at Malik, seeing his body tense from my gaze.
"Hey, Malik?" I asked softly.
"Yeah."
"Why did you get so mad at Officer Nathan? He wasn't doing anything wrong. He was just trying to comfort me," I explained, hoping he would understand how meaningless the situation was.
Malik's grip tightened around the wheel, his eyes darkened. "I know," he gritted out.
"What's wrong with that?"
"Nothing," he mumbled.
I didn't believe that. "Malik."
"I was just angry, okay?"
"I already knew that. No happy person yells at a colleague. I'm asking why," I emphasized. "Normal people don't get pissed for no damn reason."
"Guess I'm not normal then."
I clenched my fists. Anger bubbled within me and the car ride felt a million degrees hotter almost as if I was standing right in front of the sun, allowing the smoldering heat to break down on me. Keep your cool, I reminded myself, stay calm.
"Sometimes I wish you'd be more honest towards me," I mumbled, quietly.
The car came to an abrupt stop. I jolted forwards, holding onto the seat to balance myself. Staring out the window, I noticed that we pulled to the side of the road, the deers sprinting away from the sudden intrusion. Their coats shimmered in the few remnants of sunlight that seeped through the trees. I turned my attention back to Malik, glaring daggers at him.
"What the-"
He cut me off. "You really want to know why I was pissed, Sajdaa?" he asked, harshly. "You want to know why I yelled at Nathan for being near you?"
"I thought that was obvious," I remarked, sarcastically.
Ignoring me, he turned in his seat to face me. His hazel eyes shining with a strong emotion that left me breathless. "You act like this thing between us," he gestured the space that separated us, "this connection doesn't exist. You act like I don't care when everything I've done proved otherwise. You act like I don't belong in your world."
"That's not true."
"Let me finish," he said. "Sajdaa, I know why you deny every force of attraction that comes between us. I know and understand that, but that doesn't stop me from feeling."
"What do you mean?" I asked, breathlessly.
He sighed. "I was jealous, Sajdaa. I can't help it. You get along with him so easily, but with me, we're always fighting against each other, fighting against the currents," he admitted, quietly.
The previous anger evaporated. Before me was the most scared looking man I'd ever seen, a man who had witnessed a dark reality and shaped him away from his religion and heritage. He was lonely for years, suffering internally and becoming lost in a world of standards and prejudice. Since the first time we met, he'd changed for the better, and I found myself falling helplessly into the abyss of love.
"Malik," I started softly, "are you afraid of being replaced by Officer Nathan?"
He turned his cheek away from me. "Perhaps."
"No one could ever replace you. Yeah, we argue over pointless things, but that's something I value in our friendship. The fact that you're not afraid to argue with me or tease me. We have serious conversations and we have playful ones. No one can replace you," I smiled.
"Friendship?"
"We can't be more than that. Muslims can't date remember?" I reminded him even though saying no hurt me; it was the right thing to do.
He chuckled bitterly. "How could I forget?"
A moment of silence stretched between us, adjacent cars speeding past and leaving the world behind. Their tires screeched against the dark pavement, proving the rush they so desired. The group of deers moved deep into the forest that we stood at the edge of. Their slender necks bending over to capture the green leaves that their bodies required.
Life was beautiful when it wasn't rushed or forced. When people opened their eyes, they too would see the light that Allah guaranteed for all the believers. It only required a moment in time, to pause and admire the beauty of life around us.
Malik leaned his head against his seat, his back turned to me. I heard his soft breaths, a small sob escaping his lips, and instantly my hand went to touch the seat in front of me.
"You know about how I committed zina (unlawful sexual intercourse) right?" he asked in a voice so low that it was barely audible.
"Yeah," I whispered, retracting my hand as a cold feeling engulfed me.
"Well, there's more to the story," he breathed. "I thought I loved a girl once, wanting to forget every memory of Syria I had. She... tricked me. She lead me on and persuaded me that Islam was torturous and I stupidly believed her because I thought she was the one. I was so wrong. She forced herself on me one night... and if I tried to push her off, I could have left bruises. It would look like I assaulted her."
"She... oh my God," I gasped.
"I'm damaged," he whispered, "so damn damaged. Men don't get sexually abused in our society. No one helped, no one cared. I was just a refugee who couldn't navigate his way. The police laughed at my story, and I guess it's my fault for not trying harder. I should have fought back harder. Maybe that's why I became a police officer, to make sure no one ever has to live through that type of injustice."
"Where is she now?"
"Last I heard, she was in a psych ward," he sighed, looking into the rearview mirror and locking our gazes. "I still feel horrible about that day. Some days I want to just freeze my brain, numb it from those memories. I guess that's why Allah told us to stay away from such relationships, and I was blind to not listen."
My heart lurched in my chest, begging to piece his broken one together. "Malik," I said, softly, "that wasn't your fault."
"Doesn't stop the years of pain away."
"Allah forgives even the worst sins," I stated in a gentle tone.
"Could He even forgive a damaged soul like mine?" he mumbled as tears glistened his eyes. "Am I not too far gone?"
"You're not," I whispered. "You're not damaged. You've been lied to for so long, but Allah never lies in His words. Allah would rather have a servant that sins than one that wouldn't. You're not alone anymore, Malik. You never were. Allah was always there making sure you could survive."
He rubbed at his eyes, sniffling. "You have no idea how long I've been deprived of those words."
"Well, now you have me to always remind you of it," I smiled. "Now, I think you owe me a doughnut."
He rolled his eyes. "As you wish, Queen Sajdaa," he joked.
The way he said my name made my heart flutter, and all those familiar feelings he evoked came back, completing me. I was engrossed in Malik as much as he was in me. For some reason, the thought didn't bother me at all because in this chaotic sea of problems, Malik was my anchor.
Assalamualaikum!
I'm sorry the chapter was so long. I know some readers hate long chapters and some love it, so I like to keep my chapters in the middle.
Anyway, I was pretty sick of the stigma that only girls feel the effects of sexual abuse in a relationship of any form. I also wanted to highlight what a regretful sinner looks like. It's okay if you sin. You just need to acknowledge why it was wrong and seek forgiveness.
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