Don sat up and looked around: the baby's bassinet was still next to his side of the bed, Meryl's cardigan she had worn earlier was at the end of the bed as well as burp cloths and receiving blankets. It had to have been a nightmare; that was the only explanation. She couldn't be gone. He couldn't have become James; it just couldn't have happened. He buried his face in his hands as he sobbed and his body shook. "No, no, no, no, no."
"Don! Sweetheart?" Meryl rushed into the room as she saw her larger than life husband sitting up in bed, shaking, and sobbing into his hands. "Baby, what is it? Did you have a nightmare?"
Don immediately pulled her to him but she gasped in pain; he was furious at himself he was so rough with her only a week after she had two life saving surgeries. "Wasn't thinking...didn't mean to hurt...you."
"I'm fine, sweetheart. You would NEVER hurt me." Meryl said trying to breath through the pain as she ran her fingers through his damp curly hair. "Sweetheart, what happened? You are shaking and soaked in sweat. You were screaming for me and the babies."
Don looked around again. "Where are they? Did I run them away?"
"What?" Meryl wasn't following. "Of course not; they're not running anywhere without us. They woke up fussy and I was afraid they would wake you up because you need your sleep, so I took them into the nursery and put them in their bouncy seats to play with them. They're perfect, baby."
Don looked at his babies on her phone monitor as she showed it to him. "I need them; I need you."
"We need you too, sweetheart." Meryl really didn't know what was going on; but she was desperate for him to calm down. "Baby, you're going to hyperventilate. You need to take some deep breaths for me."
Don tried but he couldn't. "You didn't die? You aren't buried in Mason's Island? The kids don't hate me because I killed you by getting you pregnant. I know Henry blames me; and I know I didn't protect you like I should have, like I have always promised."
"Donald Gummer, you ALWAYS protect me and ALL of our children with every breath you take." Meryl choked as she kissed all over his face. As much as she wanted to comfort her husband she also wanted to kill her older children for blaming him for her getting pregnant and possibly dying. Though he said he was over it she knew he wasn't; especially after she flatlined. "There is no one to blame. You have given me two amazing miracles, Donald Gummer. The best gifts ever."
Don tried to get up. "I need to hold them, Meryl. Please don't be afraid for them to be around me. I really would never hurt them. I'm not a drunk. I'm not violent. I wouldn't hurt any of you. I was just lost when you died."
"Whoa, Don Man; you need to sit down." Meryl said as she caught Don when he tried to get up but was unsteady. "You would NEVER hurt ANY of us; and I would NEVER leave you, baby, not ever."
Don cried harder. "I need to hold them. I need them, and you, to know that I love you all more than anything."
"I know that better than I know my own name." Meryl gave him her phone. "You watch them on that while I go get them; okay? I will be right back."
Don looked at her with lost eyes. "You promise you'll come back with them?"
"Nothing could EVER keep me away." Meryl choked with a kiss to his lips. "Watch for me on there; we will be right back. I love you so much, my fierce protector. Just so you know, when I flatlined and came back I knew what was happening. I wasn't just fighting for myself and the kids; I was fighting for YOU, for US. YOU brought me back. NEVER forget that."
Don nodded as he tried to calm down. "I love you so damn much."
"I know that; I promise, I do." Meryl said placing one more kiss on his lips. "We'll be right back."
Don nodded as he watched her walk out of the room and then their babies on the monitor; trying to make himself calm down. "It was a nightmare; it was only a nightmare."
***
Meryl stopped outside of the babies' nursery knowing she needed to get herself together; because her husband would be able to see her on the baby monitor. Everything about him at the moment screamed to her that he was having a PTSD nightmare because of her "dying" when she had the babies. She had to figure out how to help him. She took a deep breath as she walked into the nursery and went to the monitor. "I'm in here, sweetheart, getting the babies. As soon as I get them we will be right by your side. I just need to get them out of their seats." Meryl tried to smile and wink into the baby video monitor. She kissed each baby as she managed to lift them to each shoulder. "Let's go see your daddy. I bet you're missing him like I am."
***
"Here's Daddy." Meryl said trying to pull herself together as she walked back into her bedroom carrying Mags and Brady.
Don was sitting up in bed and held out his arms. "Can I please hold them?"
"You never have to ask." Meryl choked at seeing her husband so upset. She knew he had a bad dream; but now she was starting to think that he had PTSD worse than she had originally thought. "You're the best father I have ever seen in my life."
Don blinked back tears as he held both sleeping babies to his chest and kissed their heads over and over. "I love you both so much. No matter what happens I will always love you and be there for you; no matter what. I won't drink again. I won't turn into James; I promise the both of you."
"Baby, what is going on?" Meryl asked as she ran her fingers through his hair. "What do you mean you won't drink again? You could NEVER be James; not in a million years, sweetheart. You are the furthest thing from James Gummer there is, baby."
Don started crying again. "I was awful to them. I didn't protect you from me, you got pregnant and died. I won't touch you until I get that vasectomy. Henry was right; I didn't protect you like I always say I will and look what happened."
"Yeah, look what happened." Meryl said kissing his lips as she put her hand on the backs of their new babies. "We have two wonderful, and perfect, babies that we both love more than anything."
Don nodded. "I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world; but I can't put you at risk again. Henry was right, I failed you. So were Dana and Mann."
"No, No, NO!" Meryl said strongly as she held his head in her hands. "You have never failed me, Donald Gummer. You protect all of us at ALL costs. You got me help. You were telling the doctor what needed to happen to save me before she even knew there was anything wrong with me. YOU wouldn't let go of me. YOU brought me back. Sweetheart, where is all of this coming from?"
Don shook his head. "I...I...you died. I denied...them...I drank...I died."
"Okay, baby, please calm down. I don't want you to have a heart attack or something. We are all fine. The babies are perfect. I am perfect because you worked so damn hard for the past 9 months to make sure I am. It was just a dream, sweetheart; a god awful dream, but just a dream." Meryl said soothingly as she kissed all over his face and ran her fingers through his hair. "I don't know what any of us would do without you, Donald Gummer."
Don turned longing eyes to her. "I love you and ALL of our children more than you will ever know; I promise."
"Oh I know, Don Man; I promise you I do." Meryl whispered. "Can I get you anything?"
Don shook his head. "Lay here with us?"
"These are moments I treasure." She whispered into her ear as she continued to kiss along his face and run her fingers through his hair. She continued to whisper in his ear as she kissed him and played with his hair until he had calmed down and fell back asleep. "Dream sweet dreams, baby; while I give our son a piece of my mind."
***
"Hen!" Susie said walking into the den where Henry was playing with Lily. "Your phone is ringing; it's your mom."
Henry nodded as he took the phone from his wife and got up while Susie went to play with Lily. "Hey, mom. How are you feeling? How's Dad and the babies?"
"How could you, Henry Wolfe Gummer? How could you do this to him?" Meryl choked as she stood in the hallway outside her bedroom and watched her husband and their newborn twins sleep. She didn't want to go too far because she didn't want to upset Don if he didn't see her when he eventually woke up; but this was a phone call she had to make. A phone call, a conversation, she should have had a long time ago. "Do you have any idea what you've done to your father?"
Henry shook his head; not following. "Mom? What are you talking about? I haven't talked to Dad since the day you all went home from the hospital."
"Do you know that he has PTSD from seeing me flatline after Brady was born? That he blames himself?" Meryl asked. "He blames himself because YOU blamed him."
Henry was starting to think his mother was losing it. "Mom, I never blamed him for what happened after you had Brady."
"No, months ago." Meryl choked. "You pinned him against a fucking wall, Henry; your own father! Do you have any idea how that felt to him? You blamed HIM for me becoming pregnant; which by the way has given us two amazing gifts just like you and your sisters are to us. You made him think that if ANYTHING were to happen to me then it would be his fault. He lived in that fear everyday for months; in the fear that something was going to happen to me, and if it did then it would be his fault. He didn't know how he was going to face you and your sisters; because he knew you would blame him."
Henry sighed; now knowing what this was about. "Mom, I didn't mean..."
"What happens between your father and me is private; between husband and wife. I want you to know that he protects me and all of you with every breath he takes; just as I do." Meryl was just getting started. "I am still here, the babies are here, because of how he has protected me and fought for all of us. Hell, YOU are here today because of how your father risked his life over and over for you at the hands of Kevin Mann. He has taken a knife for you from James. He has taken bullets in chest for you from Mann; not to mention, for me. For you to pin him against a wall and blame him? My God, Henry, you know how he was raised. You know how important we all are to him; and if he has a flaw it is that he puts too much pressure on himself where we are concerned."
Henry was still confused. "Mom, I know all that. I still don't understand what brought this all on today."
"Henry, you are now married and are a father." Meryl said not bothering to wipe away her tears. "Imagine that Lily smacked you and blamed you for Susie's health issues. Saying if she died then it would be YOUR fault. Lily looking at you with hate in her eyes; because when I saw you look at your father that day you pinned him against the wall I saw hate, and it breaks my heart that he saw that as well. This child you loved before you even held her. This child you spent sleepless nights comforting. This child you drove all around. How would that feel? How would it make you feel as a husband and father?"
Henry's heart hurt as he struggled to find his voice. "It would kill me."
"Then that is what you've done to your father. I love you, Henry Wolfe Gummer, so much. You are our first. You have taught us both so much about what it means to be parents. I just don't like what you've done to the only person who besides me, loved you first and most." Meryl choked as she saw her husband start to stir. "I have to go; I just couldn't keep this in anymore. Not after seeing how upset he was earlier. I do love you, Henry; I just hope I can get your father past this for his sake and health."
Henry looked at his phone when he heard a click. "Mom? Mom?"
"Is everything okay?" Susie asked her husband as he came over to her and their daughter. "You look like you've seen a ghost."
Henry picked Lily up, kissing her cheek and holding her close. "I've really fucked up, Suze; and I don't know how to make it right."
***
"Meryl?" Don asked looking around and started to panic when he didn't see her. "Darl?"
Meryl ran over to him and sat on the edge of the bed facing him. "I'm right here, baby. Sorry, I was in the hallway on the phone; I didn't want to wake you or the babes."
"Are you okay?" Don asked as he accepted her deep and long kiss. "Wow. What was that for?"
Meryl winked at him as she then kissed their babies. "To show you how much I love you; and that I am just fine. Are you okay?"
"Still shaken." Don said honestly as he kissed their babies. "I never meant to put you in danger or to hurt the babies."
Meryl sighed; they needed to talk. "You never would, sweetheart. Don Man, we need to talk. Let me put them down so we don't wake them up."
"I don't want them to think I don't want them." Don choked holding the babies tighter.
Meryl couldn't imagine how awful this dream had been for him. "Neither of us would allow that to happen; you are my main concern at the moment. We need to talk; and I want us to have as much uninterrupted time together as possible so we need to put them down."
"We'll stay in the room with them?" Don asked hesitantly. "If they start crying I can pick them up?"
Meryl nodded of course. "Let me take him; and then you can put her down."
"Uh, okay." Don relented and then kissed his baby daughter over and over. "I love you so much, Mags; you too, Brady boy."
Meryl blinked back tears. "So does your Mommy."
"My new favorite people I never knew I needed." Don choked after they laid them down in their bassinet. "I love them so much."
Meryl leaned her head on his arm as she grabbed his hand in hers. "We all know that, sweetheart; come on." Meryl said leading him to the overstuffed chair in the corner of the room and sat on his lap; playing with his hair. "Talk to me, Don Man. This must have been an awful dream to make you doubt the amazing husband and father you are; the love of my life. Tell me, baby. What was it about?"
"You uh, you died." Don choked as she nodded with a kiss to his lips for him to continue. "It was just like what happened. I knew you needed to have Brady as soon as possible. I was screaming he needed to come out. I knew something was wrong. You flatlined. They pushed me away from you as I was screaming for you. Larry came up and was with me as I waited; I was convinced I lost you but he said it wouldn't happen. They brought you back and wheeled you out; you were alive. They told me about Mags and you had to have surgery. I kissed you and wanted to be with you but they wouldn't let me; so I told you I loved you. Larry waited with me; as i processed having twins then the doctor came out. At this point it was everything that really happened; this is where it changed from real life. Then she told me there was too much damage and it was either save you or the baby; since you had that piece of paper they saved the baby. I yelled at Larry that he killed you because he drew up that damn piece of paper. I told them I didn't want the babies because they, and Larry, took the love of my life from me. I told him to raise them."
Meryl was already crying at his anguish. "Oh, Don Man. I now wish I hadn't drawn up that damn piece of paper. I just wanted to protect you if something were to happen. I didn't want you to have to make that choice."
"I know." Don whispered as he tucked her hair behind her ear. "My dream skipped ahead to their graduation. I wasn't there but was seeing it all happen. Larry, Liz, Henry, Susie, Mamie, Grace and Louisa were all there cheering for the twins and Lily as they graduated. Something was said about me not being there. Henry said that first I got you pregnant which killed you and I left the babies without a mother. He said I turned into a lowlife drunk who bankrupted us and I wasn't there for our children. He said you would be disgusted in me."
Meryl choked as she kissed his lips. "Oh, sweetheart; keep going."
"Susie told him not to start. The kids talked to liz and Larry about how they felt like orphans when you died and they thanked Liz and Larry for loving them. Liz said they all were their own; and Larry said they always would be. Then I showed up at their graduation party drunk. Larry wouldn't let me in. I said they were my fucking children and Hen asked since when. He said that I had never been good to them; that I was a lowlife drunk. I said I was doing it for you. Henry got mad and said you would be, that you were ashamed of me; that I was no longer your Don Man."
Meryl shook her head as she kissed his lips over and over. "You will ALWAYS be my Don Man, ALWAYS."
"I shoved Henry and told him not to say that." Don choked. "He said I was why you were dead; that I only thought with my dick and what I wanted. That I killed you by getting you pregnant."
Meryl got furious. "I would love to shake that boy for putting those god damn thoughts in your head. Baby, IF I would have died there is NO way it would have been your fault. NOT. AT. ALL."
"Mags and Brady came in and asked why I was there. Mags said something about how I had called her a whore." Don said. "I would NEVER."
Meryl nodded as she rubbed her cheek against his. "I know that, baby."
"I went and grabbed a bottle of whiskey and said I was going to be with you." Don went on. "Even though I was technically gone I saw Larry tell them I was going to your grave in Mason's Island."
Meryl nodded. "Keep going, sweetheart."
"As I was driving I was wiping away tears thinking that they had no idea what my life was like without you; the utter hell I was living in, not being able to breathe." Don said wiping away her tears. "I knocked over my whiskey bottle, I went to pick it up then when I looked up I saw headlights coming towards me. My last thought was that I was going to see you."
Meryl cried harder that he was so broken in his dream. "Keep going, my love."
"Then it was my funeral in Mason's Island, it was cold." Don explained. "Brady talked to Larry saying they never wanted that to happen; and I guess Mags had just had a baby. Brady went to Mags as she was at the cliff where we were buried yelling at me. That she loved me but hated me. She screamed how much she hated me; but knew I was in pain and they were reminders of you. That I wasn't really the person they knew. Brady came over and said I wasn't hurting anymore and was with you. That we belonged together. They said they loved me and to say hi to you. They hoped we were proud of and loved them. Larry came over and said we were his best friends and he knew how much we loved them and how proud we were of them."
Meryl nodded with tears streaming down her cheeks as she kissed his lips over and over. "What then, baby?"
"I woke up and couldn't find you and the babies." Don choked. "I couldn't breathe. I was afraid they were right."
Meryl shook her head as she kissed all over his face. "NEVER. That could NEVER be you. You are NOT James, NOT EVER. You are the most amazing father there is; and the most wonderful husband there ever was. Even if something would have happened to me you would still love these babies better than anyone. I know that."
"I hope so." Don said looking over at the babies. "I'm glad we didn't have to find out. I can't lose you, M."
Meryl gave him a sad smile. "You won't, baby. Let me tell you something about women."
"Uh." Don was confused. "Okay."
Meryl smiled at him as she played with his hair. "When we pick our life partner we not only think of who we want to spend our life with; but who will love and protect our babies like we do when we aren't around. For over 34 years I have known that if something were to happen to me that our babies couldn't have a better father than you. No one loves and protects us like you do. Besides me, you are the first one to love our babies and protect them. You have read to them while they were inside me. You have sung to them. You have touched them. You have protected them by protecting me. That dream is utter bull shit."
"I love you, M." Don choked as he pressed his forehead to hers. "So much."
Meryl didn't bother blinking back her tears. "Not nearly as much as I love you, my one and only, my Don. Sweetheart, you have PTSD from seeing me die."
"You didn't DIE." Don almost yelled. "Sorry."
Meryl gave him a sad smile. "You saw my heart stop. You were screaming at them to do something. They pushed you away from me. You were left with the unknown. Baby, you were traumatized. I think one of the reasons you had this god awful, never coming true, nightmare is because you stopped taking your medicine to sleep."
"And I'm not going to; I want to help you at night with the babies and those damn things knock me out." Don said. "I'm just not going to sleep. I can't sleep if that is going to happen again. I can't dream about that again."
Meryl nodded. "I can't imagine how awful that was, sweetheart, and my heart breaks because that is NOT you; it NEVER could be. But baby, we saw what happens when you don't sleep. I was terrified something happened to you. Hal said you could have a stroke or heart attack or die; and that would be MY worst dream come true. Just as you can't lose me; I can't lose you, Don Man. Please sleep."
"I don't want to take that medicine." Don said again.
Meryl nodded. "What about a Xanax every night? They don't knock you out; they take the edge off. Sweetheart, you are having PTSD episodes; that's what these are, and Xanax could help you. I want to help you through it just as you've always helped me. Please, take it. I don't want you to go through this again."
"Okay." Don nodded; he didn't want her to work herself up over this as she was beginning to do. "You'll wake me up if I don't when you need me and they want to nurse? Please, M, I don't want to miss it."
Meryl nodded. "Of course. Thank you. I'm so sorry this is happening to you."
"You haven't caused this." Don said.
Meryl captured his bottom lip in hers; inviting his tongue to play as she straddled him. "God, I love you."
"I love you, baby." Don groaned and then pulled away. "I mean it; we're not going to do anything until I get that vasectomy. I can't risk your life again; no matter how damn much we love our little surprises."
Meryl sighed. "You NEVER have. Besides, I had a hysterectomy. That's not an issue."
"I'm still doing it to show you how serious I am." Don said cupping her head in his hands.
Meryl wanted to revisit the subject, since it was no longer necessary; but decided to wait. She just nodded. "Kiss me, Donald Gummer."
"Love you, love you." Don mumbled against her lips as their hands were wild on each other's bodies. The kisses were not only filled with love; but also want, need and more passion than they had shared in awhile. Both showing the other that they were each other's everything. "God, baby."
Meryl was moaning as she moved against him frantically; but their hot make-out session came to an abrupt end when the doorbell rang and the babies started crying. "Really?"
"Later." Don said patting her ass as she got up; but then he pulled her to him. "I love you."
Meryl smiled at him as she gave him one more kiss. "And I love you."
"Come with me to see who it is?" Don asked as he picked up Brady.
Meryl winked at him as she picked up Mags. "Of course; then we can feed them."
"Sounds like a plan." Don said as they walked down the stairs as the doorbell rang over and over. "I wonder who this is and what's so god damn important."
Meryl laughed. "You're just cranky because I'm no longer on top of you."
"I'm always cranky when you're not on top me." Don winked as he opened the door making Meryl breathe a sigh of relief that he not only smiled but was joking. "Henry? What are you doing here?"
Henry exchanged an apologetic look with his mother. "Dad, we need to talk."
***