Yes, I'm still alive. Please read the authors note at the end, I love you guys!
Warning;
To me, this isn't the most interesting chapter I've written so far. Not the most poetic either, but it's more of a filler, just to get myself back on track. I'm aware I haven't written in a while, so I'm trying to get my juices flowing again and this kind of just happened on its own. Trust me, I'M GETTING MY SHIT TOGETHER NOW OKAY.
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Thalia Lively
I stared at the crumpled up autumn leafs that were threatening to fall off any time now, as I leaned against Riley's car, growing more and more impatient. I was freezing standing here waiting for her to come back from running back to the school to grab something she had forgotten. Typical. My eyes averted from the tree near me, to the sound of laughter coming from ahead of me. I looked up to see a group of girls playfully kicking around a soccer ball in the backfield, that was able to be seen from Riley's parking spot.
They were lazily playing around but I caught notice of one of the girls who was skillfully running around with the ball as her friend chased her laughing. I tore my gaze away once I felt my heart skip a beat as the girl kicked it straight into the net. I felt a wave of nostalgia take over my whole being. The urge to run towards them and play with them was strong, but I still held myself back regardless. My eyes glared down to the cement floor angrily; angry at myself. It felt like an anchor was tied to my ankle, and it was either slowly dragging me down or even worse, keeping me in place. Not allowing to move.
I couldn't move forward or certainly not backward, not that I want to ever revisit my past anyway. But often times I stay up thinking about what could have been. What type of life would I be living if I still had my family, still had my hope; still had some happiness left. Where would I be right now? Would I be with my brother teasing him as I stole the soccer ball from him, would I be with my mom cooking up something for the family, or would I be with someone who took the spot of being the love of my life? All those what if's, and could have been's don't mean anything since none of those are possible. Instead, I'm just simply someone who wakes the earth slowly, just waiting until it's over because maybe that would be less painful than the feeling that ruins my whole being. The feeling that sits in my gut, reminding me that I'm alone. How pathetic am I? I sometimes even laugh at the thought of having happiness again.
I blinked, holding my eyes shut for a few seconds, pushing out my current thoughts as I heard footsteps coming near me. I look up, expecting to see a freezing, complaining Riley but instead, my eyes are met with Carter's pale blue ones. He looked back at me questioningly but remained silent, walking beside me and accompanying my lonely side.
"Where are the boys?" I asked him, hoping to get my mind to wander onto another topic. His analyzing eyes turned into a soft stare as he turned his head to look down at me. I really think the boys and him are giants, because I'm not short with my 5'7 frame, however, I still need to look up towards each of them.
"Only God knows where Austin and Ethan wondered off to, Emmett is at work and Nathan went to go pick up the girls." He explained and I nodded, turning to face the school doors. People were still flooding out of the school as the school day ended.
"So where are you off to? Don't you have a bunch of girls blowing up your phone, you might need to attend to them." I joked, sort of. He probably did an unbelievable amount of girls with his good looks, and mysterious vibe. Nathan and he shared that trait, what lucky boys. I wonder if other guys envy them in a way, I mean girls usually wish death upon other girls who have it all.
He looked at me weirdly before chuckling, shaking his head at me. "No, actually I have nothing to do." He answered shrugging, which explained why he didn't seem like he was in a rush to go anywhere. He looked relaxed as he had his hands deep into his jacket pockets, leaning against her car with me.
"That's kind of hard to believe." I stated, speaking in all honesty. He looked at me as I continued. "I mean you're always on your phone, you must have a lot of people wanting to talk to you. Or at least have some friends texting you to make plans?" I pushed, almost in a teasing manner. Refusing to believe that he really had nowhere to go or no one to talk to.
He narrowed his eyes at me as a small smile broke out on his face, both of us turning around to face each other as we dove into a conversation. "Well for starters, my only friends are the guys and I really do have nothing to do currently. I never do anyway." He shrugged, thinking for a second. "I mean, I don't even like going to parties or big events. I usually just go because they force me to." He rolled his eyes, feigning annoyance but there was a glint of amusement in his eyes.
I hummed back, taking in what he said. "Not much of a party animal, huh?" I questioned. I, funnily enough, could see that what he was saying was true. He didn't look like the type that was as social as Ethan or Austin, he seemed more reserved and distant. I can relate in that sense.
"Nope, never was, never will be." He said back to me easily. I shivered involuntarily as a harsh wind flew by us mockingly, causing me to start complaining in seconds.
"Where the hell is Riley? How do you not look cold? Why am I still even here?" I asked questions repeatedly. I could already tell my cheeks were probably pink because of the cold, there was a stinging feeling piercing my uncovered skin that was exposed to the uncaring weather. It was a love-hate relationship that I have with nature, on one hand, it so far is the only thing that blows me away completely. It's beauty never fails to bring me to awe. But on the other hand, it's one bitch to fight against.
Carter laughed at me as I started jumping up and down, trying my best to try and stay warm. I turned to him, not stopping the smile that broke out on my face, realizing I probably looked ridiculous. Riley could've at least gave me the keys so I could wait in the car, where there was heat. I felt my phone start ringing in my jeans pocket, making me quickly pull it out hoping it was Riley. Instead of a contact, I could never mistake showed up.
My favourite person.
Carter made a weird noise as he looked over my shoulder and at the caller ID. I turned to him and saw him wiggling his thick eyebrows at me. My eyes widened when I realized what his intentions were as he grabbed my phone and answered it himself. Thankfully he put it on speaker so I could listen to the conversation as well.
"Hello?" Carter's voice answered instead of my own, pushing my face away as I tried jumping for the phone back. I huffed at him, crossing my arms and staring at him until he looked back at me.
"Oh oops, I thought this was Thalia?" An adorable voice responded and my heart melted at the fact that Maya took Nathan's phone to call me. Carter looked back at me and I took the quick opportunity to grab the phone, which I did successfully.
"Hey, Maya. It's me, Carter took my phone." I greeted and explained as I shoved Carter. I heard her soft giggle and I began to wonder what was going on on the other end of this call. I could hear Emery laughing along but it was when I heard a deeper laugh that my breath escaped me. I took a deep breath but I struggled as the laugh continued to play over again on the other line. It seemed to have consumed as I began wishing that it wouldn't stop anytime soon. I knew who it was, I knew what effect he was growing to have on me, and I knew that I wasn't able to stop it. Especially after that English class scene, I still had butterflies flying around in my stomach. He didn't even need to be with me for my body to still react the same way.
I avoided Carter's eyes that were watching me. "Hello?" I said after I waited a couple seconds, allowing them to have their fit of laughter first. A wave of calmness ruled my body as a husky voice was the first one to respond.
"Maya, can I please have my phone back?" I heard Nathan ask Maya politely. My heart started beating faster as I realized this would be the first time I would be talking to him again after the hand plus thigh scene happened. I practically ran out of English class, not saying a word to him, hearing him chuckle on my way out. At lunch, I hid in the library because I needed to get work done for the next period. And because I saw him walking towards Riley and me so I bolted while I had the chance.
Speaking of Riley, my phone started buzzing, indicating I was getting text messages. I made a mental note to read her texts after the phone call, but all thoughts flew out of my mind once I heard Maya groan.
"Okay, but let me say something first." I heard her say to Nathan who seemed to agree since I heard her voice once again. "I miss you Thalia and it's not fair that Nathan can see you everyday but we can't. Can you come over?" Maya asked hopefully and I chuckled at how she grew angry at the part where she said Nathan sees me more than her and Emery.
"I miss you and Emery too." I said genuinely meaning it.
I heard some shuffling and then a door closing. "Hello?" And, there he was.
"Hey." I greeted for second time. I ignored the fact that my heart was beating faster as I was growing more nervous. I was never like this, people never made me nervous but then again, I didn't socialize as much when I was a kid.
"Where are you?" He responded quickly. I looked at Carter who had a ghost of a smile on his face. The upper corners of his lips were slow long raising as he noticed my panicked eyes.
"At the school with Carter, we're waiting for Riley." I tried to answer calmly. I shivered for the the thousandth time, this time my teeth started chattering. My hand felt like it was gonna fall off from leaving it exposed in the harsh wind while I held my phone. It's only November, I guess winter decided to come earlier than expected. I don't have any past experience with winter, mainly because that part of memory was also blocked off. The doctor said I would gain my memory again, it would just take time.
"Get inside, I can hear your teeth chattering." His voice went from a soft greeting to a hard demand. Making me feel like I didn't have a choice in the matter. "I know this is on speaker, Carter drive her home or something. The fuck are you doing?" He aimed his demand towards Carter who rolled his eyes. Carter took out his phone, reading something before showing his phone screen to me.
Nahlia
Riley
I can't leave the library, I volunteered to help tutor here on Monday's, Wednesday's and Friday's for two weeks straight just to get some extra hours done. The stupid librarian won't let me leave. I completely forgot.
Riley
To Thalia by the way ^^ she won't answer her phone so if one of you are with her, can you show her!
I groaned as I finished reading her messages, it basically meant I wasted my time standing in the cold for nothing. She was my ride back anyway since she drove me here. I let my quick annoyance wash away once I took in that this was Riley, and I knew she didn't plan this. Or so, I hoped. I watched as Carter walked away from me, but turned around briefly to nod his head towards a car parked in the corner, indicating for me to follow him. I didn't need to be told twice as I ran after him, and even in front of him, racing to warmth.
"We're leaving now, don't worry." I said to Nathan who still on the phone with me, letting him know that we were in fact leaving this hell hole. I grabbed the car door, trying to open it even thought it was locked, I didn't stop tugging at it until Carter finally unlocked it. I jumped into the passenger seat and sighed in content, snuggling in my jacket as the cold air was being shut out.
"Come over." I paused at his request, mid way from putting on the seat belt. I looked at the phone on my lap and then to Carter who was silently laughing at me, and I knew I completely blew my cover in front of him. I'm usually good at hiding emotions, but these emotions are new to me. I don't want to feel anything though, I don't want these feelings. They remind of something I once felt, and I suddenly got the reminder that if I get too close, I might lose this too. What ever 'this' is.
"Um—" I was cut off by Carter who took my phone and started talking for me.
"Yeah, we're on our way." He answered and I slumped in my seat. I was too caught up in my thoughts that I wasn't even paying attention to their conversation, it didn't seem too important since Carter ended the call seconds after and handed my phone back to me. We sat in silence until he of course, brought up the topic I was dreading he would want to talk about. I knew it was coming regardless if I wanted it to or not.
"So what's this, 'Nahlia' Austin keeps talking about?" He asked, trying to contain his laugh as he spoke. I shoved his shoulder roughly, feeling my cheeks start to flare up.
"I don't know what you're talking about." I denied, and in all honesty, I really didn't know myself. Well either way, that's the route I'm taking. Deny. Deny. Deny.
"Mhm." He hummed, not looking at me since his eyes were looking at the road. "So, when he starting talking to you on the phone and you literally looked like you stopped breathing, that was nothing then?" He pushed harder onto the topic, still not looking my way and thank god for that, otherwise he'd see embarrassment covering my face.
"Yep." I answered curtly.
"How about the way you look at him? Like he's existence just simply amazes you. That's nothing too?" Still no eye contact.
"Nothing." I answered easily, looking straight forwards. My eyebrows scrunched together at that piece of information, I do not look at him like that. I don't know where he's getting all this from, but I'm sticking to my plan. Deny.
"What about those moments when he accidentally touches you and your face turns red before he even makes eye contact with you?" I didn't get to respond to that one since he continued. "Or, what about when he laughs too hard and you smile unknowingly?" He fired at me again.
"Absolutely nothing." I denied, not backing down. "I don't know what you're trying to accomplish with this, Carter."
"You don't feel anything for Nathan?" He asked, but he looked at me this time.
"No." And now, he knew I was lying.
• • •
I was being dragged into the Reyes house hold within seconds of ringing the doorbell. I kicked off my boots quickly, while in the process of being tugged by two very hyper girls. They pulled me until we finally made it to the kitchen where Bethany was cooking something that smelled delicious, and where Nathan sat the counter eating a bowl of grapes. He was talking to Bethany, laughing along with her until his eyes snapped to mine and his laughter died down, allowing a grin to stay on his face though.
I looked down to see Maya and Emery hugging my waist, a kid latching onto me on each side. I leaned down and hugged them back, smiling at them as they excitedly started rambling on and on. I couldn't catch up on what they were saying because I felt his eyes burning against the side of my face. I felt someone touch my shoulder and I stand up, turning around to greet Bethany.
"Hey, Ms. Reyes." I hugged her quickly and she sent me a warm smile.
"Call me Bethany, or Beth." She said to me, almost begging me to follow her command. I guess elders really don't like the whole 'Ms.' And 'Mr.' thing. I nodded at her understandingly. The girls ran off to sit at the table, clearly very hungry since they eyed the burgers that had Bethany made. Carter helped himself as he started making his own burger, he even started going into the cabinets for other essentials.
"You want anything?" Nathan asked me, pulling me out of my trance, but also taking me into a new one as I shook my head at him. He was wearing black sweatpants, a white under shirt and that was it. But it was enough for me to want to run away, it's too good to be true.
"No I'm good." I said, being sure of myself since Riley fed me more than enough times when she sneaked into my gym class and kept giving me food that she had hidden in her bag. I wasn't sure why she didn't get caught but I'm not complaining, I was accompanied by my best friend in a class that I had no one.
Best friend. Now that's new.
"You sure? I can make something if you want—" I cut Bethany off quickly, refusing her offer.
"No really, I'm okay. Thank you though." I smiled kindly at her. I sat at the table where Maya and Emery ate away happily. Carter soon joined, after making his masterpiece and Nathan followed. Nathan sat across from me and Carter on the right of him. Nathan wasn't eating either, instead he was texting and bursting out into a loud laugh. He looked up at me and showed me the group chat.
Fuck Bitchez Get Money
Ethan
YOU GUYS WON'T BELIEVE THIS
Austin
SHUT UP
Ethan
DON'T TELL ME TO SHUT UP
Austin
Shut up (:
Ethan
Anyways, Austin just got r-e-j-e-c-t-e-d
Austin
NO I DIDN'T OKAY
Ethan
I think you did
Austin
I didn't know she was into girls okay
*Austin changed the group chat name to Fuck Bitchez Get Money*
Austin
I didn't like her anyway
I chuckled as I read the conversation between the two, finishing it and handing his phone back to him. Instead of replying he put his phone in his pocket and looked directly at me.
"How was your day?" He asked and I blinked, not expecting that question. I thought back about my day so far, I woke up to some group chat nonsense, Nathan decided to try me in English class, I was blessed with food in gym class, Riley talked to me all of second period about peoples eyebrows and those were my only highlights. Oh, let's not forget Carter's interrogation session.
"It was okay." I answered. "How was yours?"
He shrugged. "Nothing interesting." He smirked at me and I narrowed my eyes at him, knowing he was thinking about exactly what hadn't left my mind all day. That sneaky little—
"Hey." Maya whispered to Nathan, looking up at him as she spoke. His attention turned towards her and he nodded at her.
"Hello." He replied, also whispering back to her.
"Wanna take my plate to the kitchen for me?" She whispered with a hopeful look in her eyes. I smiled the same time Nathan did.
He didn't respond back to her, instead he took her plate and walked to the kitchen. I stared at his back, my natural instinct was to look at his back muscles that very confidently stretched on his back when he reached up for something in a cabinet. While I weirdly continued looking at him, my eyes zoned into his ribcage. His shirt was a little see through, allowing me to take notice of black ink that went across his left ribcage. It had to be a tattoo, but it was blurry since the shirt covered it, not allowing me to really pick out what it was.
I turned back around and looked at Carter who sat there with his eyebrows raised, giving me a 'I told you so' look. I rolled my eyes at him and crossed my arms, leaning back in my seat.
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{ not edited }
I'm late. Later than usual. I'm sorry. For those of you who want to hear an explanation, continue on reading. For those who don't really care, thank you for reading babez.
So now, to the explanation on why I became the worlds worst author :)
First reason, is the most typical one. The 'I'm just too busy' reason. But it's stupidly a big reason in this case. Outside of wattpad I have what feels like a million different responsibilities piling up on my shoulders. These last weeks have been the worst weeks ever, with stress being added on every second of the day. I just haven't been in the right state of mind to right, which leads me to my next reason;
I don't want to give you guys a shitty chapter (which I just did.. but let's overlook that). BESIDES this chapter, I really don't like posting anything that didn't come from the heart. It just feels so unnatural to me to post some random chapter that has no feeling to it. I literally refuse to post anything that doesn't have apart of me in it, or a part of anything in it. A feeling, a vibe, an idea, etc. And lately, I just haven't been able to write. I was feeling pressured to write and I just couldn't, nothing was coming to me. AKA, WRITERS BLOCK.
WHATEVER, ENOUGH OF THAT BULLSHIT, I'M HERE AND I'M CRYING CAUSE 270K GUYS. THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH, I DON'T DESERVE THIS. I REALLY DON'T.
I'm also sorry cause you've all been waiting for an update and I gave you guys such a shitty one, PLEASE PUNCH ME IN THE FACE?
I'm getting my shit together though, the next update won't take too long from now :)
^ there will probably more late updates regardless though cause I'm a piece of shit but .. what he said