I thought I felt ready for whatever it was that Devin had to say. We all have stuff from our past that we find embarrassing or are not willing to share easily. But why would he hide from me that he has a child? Me of all people!
"Tania..." Devin places a hand on my shoulder that I shake off.
He has followed me outside, and I have a million unpleasant feelings running through me. I want to slap him or worse so I hold my fists to my sides.
"Am I only a temporary fix? Only in your life until a better option comes?"
"Why on earth do you think that?" he places his palms on his temples.
"Maybe it is my problem. I started seeing us as something we are not, a happy childless couple. You know how it feels to have kids, maybe you want more. I can't give you that."
"I never said anything like that," he looks frustrated.
"That is exactly the problem! You say nothing! Nothing! It's frustrating to be around someone who you barely know anything about!"
Devin looks uncomfortable as the people on the sidewalk stare at us.
"You don't trust me," I look for my car keys in my bag. "That must be it. You thought I would fire you if I found out. Who do you think I am? I'm not a heartless person. Fuck, Devin! You should know me well enough by now!"
"I trust you, it's that-"
"What? When were you planning to tell me? The day we marry and she comes to the wedding? And then I find I'm a step mom?"
"Marry?" Devin looks at me puzzled.
"Am I not good enough to marry you either?" my voice goes up a pitch.
"Jesus, Tania! Calm down! I can't get a word through!"
My head hurts, a mix of all the news mixed with a bad night of sleep. The events at the party kept replaying in my dreams.
My cousin and aunts cooked the ambush between them and brought my mom only as a witness. That was evident in her face. She didn't know what was going on. I was frozen to my spot and all eyes were on me, expecting me to say anything, break down in tears or run out of the room.
"He did porn, so what?" I shrugged. I wasn't going to agree with them.
"Is that it Tania? Have you given up?" my cousin said. "You are over 30 and you get together with the first piece of trash that crosses your way? Are you also a part of his dirty habits?"
I was about to open my mouth in protest, when someone answered for me.
"Wait a moment! You come to my house and assault Tania's friend with your questions and then humiliate him in front of everyone!" my mom yells at her. "You of all people shouldn't talk about others with four kids from different fathers."
The crowd gasped and began to talk. My cousin became furious and smacked the head of her son who was sniggering, the one who was sneaky enough to find out the truth about Devin, and left. The other kids looked at the scene with big eyes and open mouths.
"Who else wants me to dish out their dirt?" Mom looked around the room in a menacing way, and stopped by my aunts. "I see. You are all cowards! It's easier to judge others than yourselves. I'm no saint, but next to you all, I have a secured piece of heaven."
I felt shocked as I've never seen my mom go against the family like that. Ricky's grin was so big I was afraid his face was going to split. My brother Joey didn't even bother to find out what was happening and kept his eyes glued to the TV. Dad signaled the musical group to continue playing while Mom held my hand and brought me to her bedroom.
"Did you know about it?" she asked the moment the door closed.
"No. I knew he was keeping something from me and I guess this was it," I let out a deep breath.
"Vultures! How they dare do this in my house?" she paced the room. "In front of friends and the neighbors!"
"Wait! You are pissed with the family, but not upset by the truth about Devin?"
Mom stopped walking and looked at me.
"I'm not. I haven't seen you so happy in a long time. I knew you and Devin worked together before you told us. People like to find gossip where it doesn't exist, and I'm guilty of it as well. So I heard at the market that you were seen loading your van with a handsome man. I believe your happiness is worth a lot more than his previous career. Plus I know about the Spring Break video in your sophomore year in college."
I wanted to make a hole on the ground and jump in it. Something I did in a moment of stupidity and drunkness still haunts me. I flashed my boobs for a camera crew and gave a peck to Peyton. It didn't go further than that but I'm still ashamed about it.
"Have a good talk with him as soon as possible. Clear the air and this all will become a family joke," my mom cupped my cheeks and gave them a tender caress.
After a long hug, I left the house and tried to call Devin. The next morning, when I got tired of getting his voice mail, I called Stephen. I explained my worry of not knowing if he got home okay, but didn't give him additional details. I felt so relieved when Devin called me back and my heart broke when I heard his sad voice.
"Let me explain... please..." he pleads in the same voice that moved me earlier.
A tear rolls down his cheek. I have to hold myself from clearing it and holding him in my arms. He removes it roughly and exhales loudly.
"I couldn't tell you about Roxy. Not yet. I'm under the supervision of social services and I need to keep a reputable job as a condition to see my girl. If you fire me, that will delay the process for another six months. Visiting her for an hour each week in the presence of strangers is not enough. I want to see Roxy every day. How do you think I feel when we plan those parties for little girls? I don't talk about it because it hurts too much. I'm doing something for a stranger that I can't do for my daughter because I'm not allowed to be in her proximity. My ex played a foul game, using the evidence that a jealous man stabbed me and how dangerous that would be for Roxy. I was in a fucking coma when she and her lawyer planned it all," his lips tremble. "Sometimes I swear that I survived because of my determination to see her again."
"Did you really think I was going to fire you?" my voice comes out soft.
"I have an awful record. I have been fired everywhere. It isn't a trust issue. I do trust you and I wanted to tell you so many times," he looks defeated.
"Then what stopped you?"
"The fear of losing you both..."
"Both?"
"Tania, I'm in love with you. It's as simple as that. I don't want to lose my daughter and become a stranger to her. I also don't want to lose the woman who has taught me so much and makes me happy. I've never felt like this before in my life. You say you saw us as a happy childless couple? I saw us as a happy family cause God knows you would be a better mother to Roxy than Tessa has ever been."
I try to talk, but the words are stuck in my throat.
"I understand if you don't feel the same," he looks sad and exhausted. "I would be grateful if I can at least continue working for you."
"No..."
"No?" his eyes widen and his lips turn white.
"God, I need some water," I swallow hard. "No need to worry about your job or me."
"Tania, I'm not good deciphering cryptic talking. Dumb it down for me," he holds my hands in his.
I smile at his request.
"You won't lose your job, your daughter or me."
"Are you serious? Tania..."
I walk the few steps that separate us and place my hands around his waist. After hesitating for a few seconds, he does the same. His lips land softly on mine and linger there for a bit. I feel something wet on my cheek and I'm not sure which one of us is crying. He whispers thanks against my lips. When we separate, I see that the tears are my own.
"I will help you," I say. "We are now in this together, and one day we will be a family."
Devin smiles and holds me in his arms. He says nothing else and this time, he doesn't need to.