My bedroom is cold and empty feeling though my things clutter the space obnoxiously. I set my back down at the door and walk in as if this is someone else bedroom and I am an intruder.
My mother isn't home, actually, she doesn't know that I am either. I had never called and told her I was leaving as I only found out last night. She'll be disappointed, I think. Sad for me. Her daughter was mated to an Alpha, was taken to his pack, then was sent home for her own good. It makes me sad just thinking about it.
Having no desire to unpack, I leave my bag set against the wall and walk to the window, gazing out at the forgotten view of the forest, the view I used to stare out at while I cried when I was younger. I don't want to be here. Not anymore. This has become a sad place now, one where my half-filled soul will rot and wither away until I die. There is a peer of me that was left at the Grant Pack, and a part that I will never get back.
Mindlessly, I climb into my cold bed and hide under the covers. Depressed for the life ahead of me. Depressed over my empty heart, and dulled down from the loss of my one, true mate. There will never be anyone like him, no one to replace his anger and coldness, his good moments where he gives into me, and the sensation of his lips, a sudden kiss or not. I have never held such hatred towards every other man before, but I have no interest in them. That is something I have in common with my old self. No man will ever please me if it is the last thing I do.
My mother's shocked voice wakes me. "Rae? Rae, what are you doing here?"
I slip out of my dreamless sleep and look over to her.
She quickly nears me. "When did you get here? You didn't call to say you were visiting. Are you all right? What's happened? Did something happen? Is he here, your mate?"
"Not now," I mutter, cold and numb. "I want to be alone."
"Not now?" She gapes as if I had told her I was pregnant. "What do you mean not now? Will you please tell me what's going on?"
"Please, mom. Go. Please just go."
She crosses her arms. "Tell me what—"
"Leave me alone! Get out! I want to be alone!"
I hear the door shut before I curl back up and wish to return to my blank sleep, not wanting to see or feel anything.
* * *
It has been a few weeks since I had come home. I painfully explained to my mother why I was back, telling part of the truth and fabricating the rest. Other than that, my days consist of laying in bed, going down for food every now and then, staring out the window, crying a little bit, showering just to feel different sensations, and staring up at my ceiling like a corpse stares at the hood of their coffin.
I open the window during the day to hear new sounds other than the excruciating noises of silence. I hear birds and occasionally voices, though it is usually my mother talking to another woman in the pack, or a guard mumbling to himself as he walks by to the borders.
The diary sits on my desk alone, wanting to be read, but I don't want to be reminded of him so soon because he already takes up my entire mind. There is no reminding needed.
I lay in bed and daydream about our imaginary life together. How it would have been to sleep in the same bed, to feel him on top of me or underneath me, to feel his skin against mine in the most intimate of ways. Is it so wrong to want a bad man? I don't think so. It makes the dark part of me want him even more. I want to feel his body weighing against mine, holding me down, giving me no escape. I want everything from him. I need him to want me as badly as I want him, but that nagging voice always reminds me that he is gone. That voice shouts at me to get up and to put away my things and to let go, but I can't.
I enter the kitchen with no enthusiasm to see my mother leaning against the counter. She looks up at me and smiles. "Hey, Rae. You hungry for dinner? I made salmon."
I nod and sit down at the counter on one of the stools.
"You know, I think you should get out of the house a bit. There's a gathering tonight, I think it might be fun to reconnect with some of the girls and make friends. I know it's for finding mates, but everyone just talks and dances. I think it would be fun for you."
She talks as if she's never met me before as if those years of me whining about such gatherings has left her mind. "I don't feel like—"
"Please, Rae," she says, giving me a genuine look. "It would mean a lot to me if you went."
Maybe it's because I've been cold to her these past few weeks or because she's been nurturing lately, but I surprisingly find myself yanking on that same gold, silky dress that I wore when I ran into James. I don't want to wear it, but the purple one from when I was seventeen doesn't fit anymore.
My mother is pleased by the sight of me, and the happy look on her face cools down my frustrations. She excitedly leads me to the door and waves goodbye when it is time for me to walk off. Once the door is closed I contemplate running off into the trees, but for a second I can't help but think that my mother could be right. Maybe I should try. Maybe the girls will be nice and bearable and maybe I may just have an okay time.
I make my way to the building, prepared for James to walk towards me with my Alpha and Luna, and I think to myself, if it did happen I may just run into his arms and kiss him.
As the many dreadful times before, the gathering room is stuffed with eager girls and frightened boys and myself. I drift inside and dodge many people, automatically heading for the corner table that so comfortably hid me from the crowd times before. Just as I make it through the dense group and the crowd starts to spread out, I hear something curse-worthy.
"Rae East?"
I look to the side and see her, that girl, that one, that possible Stacey. The black-haired girl who stood beside that other one some time ago. "Yes?" I ask, not going any closer to her than I already am.
"I haven't seen you in a while, though you gave up on these again," she says in a friendly tone, reminding me of how bad I am at this.
"Oh, well, I decided to give it another shot, I guess."
"I thought for sure you found your mate that other time," she says, making my heart squeeze inside of my chest.
"Oh, no. I didn't. I didn't find...I have to go."
I walk off without an explanation and head straight for the table, my eyes searching like a hawk for glasses of wine or anything as sweet to me. Without any luck, I walk up to the table empty-handed only to find that it is occupied. Two boys and a girl sit at the table beside each other and pause their conversation to deal with my presence.
"Can we help you?" The girl asks, not rudely or nicely.
I stand without a backup plan. "Uh, no. Sorry." But before I can dash away one of the boy's pipes up.
"You can sit if you like. We don't bite." I look back at him and feel anger stewing inside of me. He is a handsome guy and I hate the charming look on his face. He pulls out a seat for me. "Unless you have somewhere else to be?"
I want to fire back and tell him that I have a Mate and that he's an Alpha and that he'll hurt him for trying such a thing, but I simmer down and walk off, leaving the unwanted conversation open-ended. I realize the guy did nothing wrong and that I'm just a hot-head, but I keep an apology to myself and continue on my journey to find alcohol. I don't have a Mate anyway, not anymore, not that I ever did.
I should have been nice and made friends like my mother said, but no, I have to do the wrong thing. It's nothing new to me, I shouldn't be surprised. I'm supposed to be the girl who is happy without a Mate, the girl who hates gatherings and hates guys, right? But I've become some weird version of her. I still hate gatherings and guys, but only because I had my shot and it was a dud. They still have a chance at happiness but both of my chances have been ruined by one man.
I find a man carrying around a platter of full glasses and I snatch one, hurrying off before he can ask if I am old enough to drink. The red blood-like liquid stains my tongue and relaxes me a little, but not enough.
I wander out of the building and towards the trees, burying myself inside as I weave through them, trying to be untraceable. Tears stream down my cheeks as I continue to trip further in, stopping at one point to fall back against a trunk and to let out a strong sob. I wonder if I cry hard enough that James might feel it and run to me. I wonder if I scream loud enough and desperate enough that James may rescue me.
"Why?" I mumble into the chilled night air. "Why do this to me? Why give me a taste only to take it away? Why when things could have gotten better?"
The Moon glares down at me, furious.
I sit in the dirt, my gold, silky dress filthy. The night air sneaks its arms around me, caressing me, flowing through me. I want to cry more, but the numb feeling returns.
The Moon shines it spotlight down on me, and I can only hope that James sees it.
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Read a chapter ahead on Inkitt or to chapter 17 on Radish