Chapter Forty Four: Everything Will Be Different
*•*•Bailey's POV•*•*
It's Christmas Eve, a day after Max's passing. Everyone was staying in Bennett's house because no one wanted anyone to be alone and no one wanted to deal with the press asking questions and making false allegations from what occurred. After visiting and clearing up with the police with what occurred at the station, everyone agreed to let everything die down before returning back home for the New Years.
Cal, Carson, Bennett, Parker, Grayson and myself were all at the moment sitting in the living room, all of them staring into nothingness, trying to comprehend what occurred a day before excluding Cal, who was happily playing with his elephant stuffed animal that was much more bigger than him and Luke, Elly, Dylan, Ms. Barrow and Kendall, who were out in the town getting who knows what. It was the afternoon and we all had just arrived and settled into the house. The night before we all had slept over in Parker's house. Grayson hasn't said a word since we left the morgue to say our final goodbyes before we see Max's body again at the viewing before the funeral that was going to happen on the thirtieth- six days from now. None of us had made a sound since we set foot in the house except for Cal.
I was the one assigned to Cal when he started his tantrums ever since the lot of them left to the town because literally no one paid any attention to him at all. Not even Parker.
It was when Cal started to become more mobile in my arms that I had decided I wanted some air. Bringing Cal, one of his toys, and the blanket that Dylan had told me to use if we ever went outside to play with me, I stood up and made my way outside to the backyard. Before going out, I put on Cal's shoes, hat, and sweater after putting on my sweater and shoes on myself.
Taking a step into the backyard, a cold breeze brushed passed us, feeling almost comforting to me. Placing the toy down first so I could have a free arm, I put down the blanket before placing Cal onto it.
Giving him the loud toy, I smiled when he began mindlessly playing and pressing the buttons on it that made noises that would please any child. Cal was the only ray of sunshine in the house at the moment and it felt good to see something smile and laugh to its hearts content.
Not noticing the sound of a door opening behind me, I found my voice and started to talk to the little child even if he couldn't understand me.
"You're getting big aren't you little Cal-y." I cooed as I caressed his head, giving him a sad smile when he laughs at the toy in front of him paying no heed to me, "I'm sorry that you won't be able to see Uncle Max anymore." I apologized, my voice getting quiet, "You know, when he first laid his eyes on you, he wouldn't let anyone else have you. He cared for you so much even if you weren't his part of his family. Maybe he even loved you. Who knows? Because he got killed yesterday because I was being stupid. I was so, so stupid. I'm stupid, Cal." My voice was getting weaker and weaker the more I went on. The next thing I know, I was at a full blown sob once the last words came out of my mouth, "All I do is mess things up. I should've kept out of this. This is all my fault. I'm so stupid. I'm so sorry, Max."
It was then when I felt a hand on my back when my sobs ceased and my whole body froze. I didn't want to cry in front of anyone, but somehow, when I felt the person behind me place me into a tight embrace, I relaxed into their hold and leaned back letting the tears freely stream down my face.
Looking behind me, I see Carson's nonchalant face as he hugs me, refusing to even look at me, "I'm so sorry-"
"Stop saying you're sorry." He said, his voice says with no emotions, "I'm just going to put it bluntly, okay? Life is full of shit and is never fair." His tone was rough and unwavering.
"Max didn't deserve to die today. Yes, it happened yesterday and yes, I sound insensitive, but trust me when I say that it does indeed hurt. I will not deny that I am hurt and angry that he had left us so soon, but it was his decision, and I have to accept that. You have to accept it like I have, too, even if it hurts. Understand that he wanted this since the beginning... He just... saw a chance and he took it." He gulped at that and a flash of hurt went through his eyes and left just as fast as it came, "From the stress that Harrison placed on him to the feeling of never being good enough for him, everything just became too much. It came to the point that he didn't even show emotion anymore. He did as he was told without any question. It was as if he wasn't even there anymore... But it wasn't until you came along that he slowly showed more feeling. There's something about you Ms. Winters that brings things out of people."
"I'm sorry."
"Bailey, you've got to stop saying sorry. We went over this." He said, his voice wavering ever-so-slightly, finally showing emotions in his voice.
Ignoring his comment, I pat the blanket right next to me, "Do you mind staying a while?" I asked.
He takes a deep breathe before replying, "I don't mind at all."
Sitting in my own accord, I watch Carson play peek-a-boo with Calum as he laughed his head off. My breathing finally evening out, I lean my head on his shoulder. I feel his tense form under my, causing me to start moving my head off of him, but I was stopped by him saying it's okay. Settling my head back on his shoulder, we continue sitting in silence as he messes around with Cal in front of him.
My eyes began to droop from exhaustion. I let them close and for a moment, the detailed memory of Max's dead body in my lap fills my vision. The way his hair stuck to his head from perspiration. The way that he hugged himself because the pain the bullet provided him even after he took his last breath. Looking back on him then remembering the words that Carson had told me, it pains me how he left without knowing so many things.
"Bailey." I heard Carson's voice say. Jolting up at the sound, I look up at him, "You just blanked out on me right there."
It took me a moment to understand his words. Shaken up from the vivid image of Max, I apologize to him for blanking. There was a small silence between my words before I decided to break the silence. I sit up before asking, "Are you thinking of ever being a dad later?"
Flustered at my sudden question, Carson blushes a deep red, "I do. I just need to find the right person." He said, coughing in an attempt to cover up his awkwardness, "How about you?" Carson asks, turning the question on me, "You plan on having any kids with Young Watts?"
It was my turn to flush. Clearing my throat, my gaze strayed to the floor, "I-I... um... haven't given any thought to it." I stammered, my cheeks heating up even more as I spoke.
"Really?" He asked with his eyebrows raised, genuinely surprised, "I thought you'd be one of those girls that has their future all planned out and crap."
I shook my head with a small grin, "I used to know what I wanted before Grayson and the guys were introduced to my life. Now that they've tainted my lives, I have no clue what I want. Kids were not exactly on my to-do list even before meeting them especially since I feel like I'm going to frick up the kids head."
I also don't know if I want to go that far with Grayson...
But I didn't say it aloud.
"Why's that?" Carson asks.
"Well, I guess I'm just too scared to raise a child without screwing up. I mean, my parents committed suicide when I was eight, leaving their only daughter to fend for herself. I only had Kendall and his parents then and I was lucky that Kendall's mom was kind enough to let me in."
"Why didn't you were an orphan?" He asked, concern flashing through his eyes.
"It's not exactly a conversation starter." I shrugged.
Sensing the touchiness of the subject, he doesn't push on. He's about to say something, but is interrupted by the sound of a car door slamming from the front of the house, "Seems that they're home." I said, standing up, "We should get inside."
To this, he only nodded as he got up himself handing Calum off to me, helping by picking up the blanket and Cal's toy. Holding Calum to my chest causing him to snuggle into it for warmth, Carson and I walk in together, being greeted by the sound of Kendall's voice.
"Do any of you guys wanna help us set up decorations for tomorrow, or help make cookies?" I heard him ask.
As Carson and I came into sight, I noticed how everyone was exactly how we left them, sad and emotionless staring at inanimate objects paying no attention to Kendall's figure in front of them.
Kendall's expression lit up, "Do you guys wanna help out? It's going to be so fun!" Kendall said excitedly as he tugged on my sleeve, "We could all set up the decorations outside, or even bake the cookies for tomorrow. Come on. Please?" He begged as he were a child.
I knew that Kendall was trying to get everyone in the Christmas spirit, but I knew for a fact that he was also trying to get everyone from refraining the bad thoughts in their head from yesterday, "We'll help." I answer for Carson and me.
He nods at my answer before turning back to the guys on the couch, "Anyone else want to help?"
No one answers nor do they ever look up from their distant gaze, "Okay." Kendall sighs, "Can you guys help me bring in the Christmas tree and the groceries?" He asked.
We both nodded, before placing Cal's things onto the side of the couch and placing him on the floor with his toys. I looked up at Bennett whose eyes were glued onto Calum, "Can you please watch over Cal?" I asked, quietly. He looked at me then back at Cal before nodding silently. Bennett moved his spot to sit next to my nephew, causing Cal to giggle at the sudden movement and to move closer to the older boy. Bennett not wanting the younger boy to be that close to him, he lightly places his hand on Calum's head to prevent him from moving closer to him as he continued staring blankly into space.
Sneaking a glance at Grayson and Parker, I notice that both have their eyes locked on where Cal and Bennett sat. Parker had the first grin I've seen on his face as he watched Bennett's poor parental skills while Grayson shook his head at his stepbrother as he scoffed, "Bennett you're a dumbass." Grayson scowled before making his way to where Bennett sat and picking up Cal, "I thought you knew better especially since you have Connor around." He grunts out as he pats Calum's back.
Grayson's words seemed to anger Bennett to the point he couldn't control his emotions. Standing up from where he plopped himself down not even moments before, he matches Grayson's height, "You really think I can't take care of a child?" He snapped, "I can do so much better than you."
"What're you saying, Bennett?" Grayson asked, glaring at his stepbrother.
"Guys, Calum wants to be put down now." Kendall says, deciding to steer the conversation away from where it was soon to be going. Seeing that this wasn't going to stop any time soon, he looks at Parker with a pleading look, telling the other silently to get Calum out of the way. Parker seeing Kendall, he takes Cal away from the scene and sits on the couch farthest away from the two step-siblings.
Ignoring the words of Kendall and Parker's movement to take away Cal, Bennett continues, "At least I can show I care to another human being unlike you who holds it in all the time!" Bennett exclaims.
"Oh that's fucking funny coming from you." Grayson scoffs, "You're the one that's so fucking depressed about your parents being so fucked up."
"Yeah you're the one to talk!" Bennett exclaimed, making Grayson flinch at how sharp his words were, "We're in the same fucked up family, but you make it seem as if I'm the only one that's suffering. I know you Grayson. I know how much you cared about Max. I know how much you regretted everything you've done to him. I know you regret not accepting Dad's offer so this could've all stopped. I know you regret not accepting him as a brother sooner. I know you regret a lot, but just please don't be so hard on yourself." He says, his voice sounding cracked and broken towards the end.
At Bennett's words, Grayson moves his gaze to the ground. His eyes are red behind the glasses he wore and the skin surrounding them is puffy and irritated. Bennett looked guilty as he stared at him, but he hid well with minor cracks in his exterior.
Before Grayson could see the regret in his siblings face, Bennett turns his back towards him and makes his way to the stairs. He stops at the bottom of the staircase, not bothering to look back at us, "Remember that I'm still here for you in this whole mess and no matter how far you push me away, I'll be right where you left me. Remember who you are, Grayson because I'm not going to be there to remind you all the time." He leaves us with his words in the air and none of us seem to make a move. The air surrounding us in the room was thick and it was hard for me to breathe.
It wasn't until Parker stood up from his seat with Calum in his arms, "Me and Calum want to go help Mrs. Barrow with cookies." Parker states as he walks into the kitchen where I assume Elly, Dylan, Luke, and Kendall's mother are eavesdropping.
From Parker's movement, Grayson seems to take that as a good time to move as well. He disappears to the backyard without looking or saying anything to any of us, leaving Kendall, Carson and I in an awkward silence.
"Um..." Kendall starts, "I'll start with the decorations."
"I'll come with you." Carson says as he follows Kendall out of the house, leaving me all alone in the vacant living room.
I stay standing where I am, not bothering to move. I begin to think about the coming days.
Christmas.
Funeral.
Then New Years.
I tell myself in my head, repeatedly,
We'll get through this. We're strong. We're alright.
I knew we were getting through this, but I knew for a fact that we were not alright and we're all going to break soon.
I knew by the time the clock strikes twelve on New Years Eve, everything will be different.
*•*•*•*
A/N
Hey.
Sorry for not posting last week. Been busy with studying for exams and I'm finally on Winter Break. Literally have been waiting for a break like this one for a while. School's just so fricking tiring and I'm so done with everything at the moment, but oh well.
Who isn't done with life?
Anyways, thanks for reading this far in the book and I'm glad to see that some people are still her after all this crap happened in the plot. I'm planning, after finishing the book, to rewrite and redo some of the things in this book. I hate how some of this went and I just need to rewrite some chapters in general to feel good about what this book has become.
I hope you guys understand my decision about that and respect it because it's a thing that was bound to happen.
I'm also sorry if anything in this chapter doesn't make sense. I edited this chapter so much through the weeks and literally could've left some unedited confusion in this chapter.
In addition, I have changed my profile picture to just plain white to honor Kim Jonghyun, a Korean K-Pop star that has died recently from suicide. It has affected me and others deeply and the least I could do is change my social media headers and profile pictures to white to honor who he was when he was alive and well.
Rest In Peace Angel.
Thanks again for supporting this book and voting, commenting, and all that stuff. It really does mean a lot and it makes me happy to know you guys actually like my writing.
Oh and happy holidays to everyone! I hope you have a very good Christmas and any other holiday you guys celebrate.
Love you guys so fricking much.
Stay alive and God bless.
<3