Good evening beshies :) Time for Kat to make an appearance again in this fic.
I'm sure some of you are kind of frustrated with Dei and how she is handling her relationship with Richard. Konting pasensya na lang, we'll be moving to the present soon, and you'll see that they did progress to something more before things got complicated.
Pero aminin natin, women sometimes complicate the relationship with views that can be kind of idealistic. It's like when fans build a mental image of what MaiChard should and shouldn't be, tapos pag hindi nangyari they get so frustrated and lash out. Hopia management should be offered as a course in college, haha.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, we should cut some slack for the men in our lives. To be fair, madami naman sa kanila try their best to please us, but we sometimes make it difficult for them. We should also give them back as much as we expect them to give us, whatever it is we ask for; love, respect, or time. Patas lang dapat.
Read on and see what I mean. This chapter is presented in both Dei's and Richard's POVs, their interpretation of how their relationship is progressing. Who is to blame for the standstill? Share your insights, please :)
Dei
This was what I wanted from the start. I wanted us to slow down, because our closeness was threatening me. I wanted to concentrate on my studies, I try to convince myself that this was my reason, but really, I was just biding my time because I wanted to be sure. I wante dto be in control of the situation.
I know now that I love him, I am sure of it. I want to be with him. And just when I am already sure, our closeness changed somehow. He still is affectionate and sweet, but the simple intimacies between us have slowly disappeared. It seems like we are now reduced to being plain good friends, and it doesn't seem to bother him.
I miss being kissed. I miss the way he looks at me like everything around us fades to black. There are glimpses of the old us, like sometimes when Paddy starts talking to me, Jay gets territorial and lays claim by pulling me close to him and I am elated when he does. But all too soon, when Paddy leaves, we are back to being just......friendly.
I try to convince myself that this was what I want. That I cannot afford to have a relationship, not when I am grappling with the tough demands of college. I need to get through college, to prove to my mom that my passion to write goes beyond my romantic fantasies. I am more than a chick lit writer. I have what it takes to be a good author. I dream of writing novels, or screenplays for movies or Broadway, and I know that if I concentrate and work hard enough, I can make it. I can make her see that she can be proud of me.
But I miss the old "us." I miss the times we cuddle. I miss his smell that lingers when he leaves me asleep at night, and I wake up early morning to smell a little bit of him in the clothes I'm wearing. I miss reaching for his hand in the dark alleys of Evanston, or the random kiss on my cheek while walking, his hand groping for my waist from behind me.
Sometimes I feel he lost interest, because I'm not exactly the most exciting girl to be with. Sometimes I think maybe he's waiting to follow my lead, that if I show him I'm still interested, he'd go back to pursuing me. And I'm torn between pulling him back or just savoring the friendship. I'm torn between what's good for me and what I need.
I am so fucking conflicted about what I want. I know I can't have it both ways. I so damn hate that I have to choose between my future and him. And in the midst of all this indecision, I feel him drifting away.
Richard
I promised to be patient, I know I said I'd wait till she was good and ready. I am keeping that promise, even though sometimes it hurts to be kept waiting. How do you hold on to a hope that seems to get dimmer as days go by?
Everyday, I see her smile like she's actually happy to see me. Her eyes light up and that smile, I know it's a smile uniquely for me. I would hug her if I was allowed, but these days, I don't know anymore what's still good and what's not.
I want to make her mine. But only if and when she is good and ready.
I don't know how to move from where we are now. If I had my way, I'd box her out from any guy, but I don't have that privilege.
So I wait.
I wait for her to give me that sign, that it's ok to come closer. That I can go back to how it was between us, when I had the freedom to pursue her doggedly like I used to, without making her feel like I'm rushing her to be mine.
I try to keep things simple, damn hard, but I do. I want her to feel safe with me, that she will never worry about losing me. But sometimes at night, when I leave her as she falls asleep, I wish I still had the liberty to lie beside her and spoon her against me. I wish I had the right to touch her and stay the night, to express my feelings intimately.
Of course, I desire her. I fall asleep at night imagining what I'd like to do with her, and get the satisfaction of knowing that she responds to me. But it is more than lust now. It is more than conquering a physical need. I want her to be a part of my life. And I want her to want the same thing with me.
But for now, I am playing the waiting game. I wait for her to give me a sign that she's ready to be committed, that we can go beyond friendship. I wait for her to say something, because actions can mean something else.
And until she says so, I will wait. This is what I promised, and this is what I will give.
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Richard was on his doorstep when his phone vibrated. He smiled upon seeing the text message. It was Kat, and she asked if he was available for a chat. He answered in the affirmative and rushed inside to open his laptop.
He enjoyed his chats with Kat. She was bratty but she was his source of information about Dei. Kat had a fascination for Dei that touched him, she was the little sister that was brushed off by the cooler elder sister, and he could identify with that because like her, he was the younger sibling.
"Dude, what's up?"
"Well, you're the one who asked for this chat, you tell me."
"Yeah, yeah so.........I wanted to ask you about something."
"Sige, what about?"
"There's this audition coming up in two months. I've been invited. It's for a TV show."
"How were you invited?"
I'm a part of our school theatre guild and we performed at a local theatre here. A talent scout saw me and asked if I would be interested to try out for a reality show. What do you think?"
"What did your sister say?"
"I didn't ask her. Of course she'd say no. She'd say that just to piss me off. I'm asking you. And please tell me what your opinion really is, don't play safe because you're avoiding to offend Dei."
"Won't that affect your studies?"
"I'm not stopping. I can study at my own pace and still finish my studies while pursuing what I want. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. It's also a dream come true for me."
"You do know how competitive it is to get in, right?"
"Are you saying I don't have a chance to get in?"
"No, I'm just making sure you know what you're getting into. How old are you again?"
"I'm turning seventeen in a month's time. The audition is happening after graduation. If I get in, I can adjust to the pace while we're on vacation from school."
"You're so sure you'll get in, aren't you?"
"I'm good at what I do, Jay. I may not be as smart as Dei is, but I know that acting is something I can make a career of."
"What happens if you don't get picked? Please don't do anything stupid."
"Like what? Sleep with someone to get the part? That is so cliché, Jay. I'm not stupid."
"Does your mom know about this?"
"Not yet. But I know she will let me do what I want."
"Then why did you bother asking me?"
"Your advice matters to me. It always has."
"Ok then listen. If this is something you really want, go for it. But learn to tell the signs if it's not for you. Don't force it to happen. This audition may be the first of many heartbreaks for you but if you really want it, keep trying. Just make sure you finish college, don't disregard that."
"I always knew you'd be cool with this. How are you and Dei? Is she your girlfriend by now?"
"No, I'm afraid not."
"What?! It's been almost a year, Faulkner. Why did you let it drag on this long? You want me to talk to her?
He laughed out loud.
"You sounded so grown up just then Kitty Kat."
"My sister is stupid. If I were her, I would have snatched you up a long time ago."
"To be honest, I'm getting antsy. But I'm too afraid to upset her. She's high-strung, your sister."
"Jay, don't sell yourself short, ok? I know you love her, but dude, if she does not see your value, start thinking."