———
In the process of healing, time would always be a huge factor. Time provides a safe space to self-reflect and wander through your vulnerability. Accept that you're wounded, you're in pain, you're suffering and you're vulnerable. It would take a lot of time. It may took years, years, years of wandering until you allow yourself to slowly come to face the loss and withdraw all the emotional energy you invested through the years, and move on. That's when you heal.
However, sometimes a deep wound would take more than just time to heal. In his case, time didn't heal him. How would it possibly be if he had lost his sense of time?
Somehow, he isolates himself where he was confined in a dark cinema and the memory of that certain moment in his life was on the screen playing in loop. It was like time stopped and he was stuck. He was hold on with the certain moment in his life that he wouldn't want to let go.
He was aware that it was cruel to torment himself like that, but how would he suppose to let go of the things that make him feel the sanity and solace everyday? Never. Judge wouldn't let it go.
"Hi mom."
It has been three years. Three summers have passed, she was still beautiful like fresh roses in a garden. She bloomed, yet just any other flower in the garden, even in a huge field... she withered. She lose her petals, one by one and die.
She died. Roughly three years ago.
"Damn, I m-miss you s-so much."
Ang maliwanag na ngiti nito na noo'y abot kamay lamang at hindi nakakulong sa apat na sulok na larawang nakasabit sa malungkot na dingding. Maging ang masiglang halakhak nito na naririnig niya sa bawat parte ng bahay at hindi nakakulong sa masakit na alaalang hindi niya kayang bitawan. Gusto niyang balikan iyon. Gusto niyang bumalik sa mga panahong iyon.
"Judge? Indeed, you came." A voice said from behind. "You came when you are told not to. Typical teenage deviance, do actions out of impulse and fun. Masaya ba Judge?"
"That's not it. I came here because Jules dragged me," he said. "Let's begin with the fact that this is the last place I wanted to see."
Judge didn't have to crane his neck to not know that it was Akello. Parang sa dalang na marinig niya ang boses nito ay gumawa na ng paraan ang utak niya para makilala ang boses ni Akello sa isang bigkas lamang ng salita— note that it was his inner undeveloped genius-ish brain cells were talking... explaining. Damn.
It was a simple dinner. They were seated in the table, quiet as a baby in deep slumber. No one dared to talk, maybe they didn't have the courage to do so. Parang tinitimbang ng bawat isa ang mainit na tensiyon sa pagitan nila. Tanging ang mahinang paggalaw ng kubyertos o di kaya'y mahinang tikhim mula sa kanila ang maririnig.
"A-ahm, h-hi?" Jules choked. It was fake, she was clearly getting their attention. Indeed, she did because there's nothing Jules couldn't do. She successfully got the attention she desired when they bestowed their eyes upon her.
"Happy birthday dad! Bakit parang ang dull naman? Hindi naman 'to funeral para hindi tayo mag-imikan!" She exclaimed. "Mukha tayong mga patay! Loosen up!"
Lahat sila ay napatikhim.
Judge spoke. "Wala naman sigurong patay na kumakain 'di ba Jules?"
Jules chuckled. "Malay mo, baka ikaw. You look dirty. Mukha kang galing lupa eh."
Yes, he's dirty. Hindi kasi siya pinagbigyang pagbihisin man lang ng kapatid at dumeretso agad sa bahay. Wala naman siyang damit sa bahay na ito. Since, he left two years ago and he got all his things. For the things he failed to keep, maybe his father burned it or something out of hate towards him.
"Kumakain tayo, Jules. It's rude to talk while there's food stuffed in mouth." His father's dominating voice stood out. It was stolid like the huge walls in their house. He was towering, strong and broody.
"That won't stop me pa rin!" Jules stubbornly said. Narinig niya ang marahang pag-ubo ng ama at maging si Akello.
"Kumusta na kayo? How about you Akello? I heard you're handling the main branch here? Congrats!"
Payak na napangiti lamang si Akello at nagsimula ulit na kumain.
"Akello's a great business man. Ang lahat ng alam ko ay itinuro ko sa kaniya. Alam kong malayo ang mararating niya," the old Argon boasted. "I even offered him the position in abroad with our foreign clients. It's a great deal there but he chose to stay here."
"I really appreciate your offer. I'm glad that you entrusted that position to me but I'm good here. Jessi though, he's brilliant. Alam kong kakayanin niya roon."
Judge remained quiet, since he have nothing to do with business. Jules on the other hand, inserted between some conversations. She had a lot to say. Hindi maitatanggi na may mga pananaw at ideya siya ukol sa kompanya. She could've been the heiress and wore the crown yet she chose to serve with her stethoscope.
"Ang galing! Congratulations Akello, you deserve it. Magaling ka naman talaga."
"Somehow, I'm thankful that Akello didn't take the offer abroad. I mean I'm not getting any younger. Sooner or later I need to step down and give the palace to my heir." It was a hearty laugh marked with enthusiasm. "Akello here will be a huge help. He will guide Judge, the way I guided him. Sa tulong ni Akello, alam kong kakayanin ni Judge na mas lalong palaguin ang kompanya."
Grilled steak melted in his mouth. His taste buds appreciated the sweetness of the sauce. It has raspberries in them. Raspberry jam! Savoring the distinctive sweet steak didn't last long. It suddenly turned bitter when he heard his father's indirect proposal.
"Wow," Jules was obviously stunned as he was. She was in query but she was quick to turn it into amusement and smiled bubbly. "You mean... you want Judge to take over your position?"
"Yes."
Judge dropped the cutlery in his hand. It produced a keen sound with the plate.
"Sorry."
Akello dropped his cutlery as well. Napatingin sila agad dito. Halatang nabigla rin ito sa narinig, ngunit agad inayos ang sarili at bumalik sa pag-upo.
"That's amazing! Ilang taon na lang naman mag-cocollege na si Judge."
"Exactly Jules, I'm still in high school. Anong alam ko sa mga ganyan?"
"Time flies! Before you know it, you're already holding your diploma!" Giit pa ni Jules. "At saka, there's no rush naman! Sabi nga ni dad, "Akello will guide you". Right, dad?"
Umiling-iling si Judge. Hindi kumbinsido sa mga pinag-sasabi ni Jules. That's just absurd! Why would his dad entrust him the company out of a sudden? He had cherish it all his life and out of the blue he'd give it to him? To his deviant son?
"Surely, four years is not long. We will wait—"
"What?" Judge chose to break his silence. "What the hell is this?"
Jules smiled. "You're taking over, silly. You have your spot in the company."
"Well, I don't need it. I am not stepping in."
Malalim na napabuntong hininga ang matandang Argon. Saglit siya nitong tinitigan bago ibinuka ang bibig para magsalita. "I'm doing this for you. You're in your last year in high school right? Pagkatapos noon? Anong gagawin mo sa mga taong 'yon? Wandering around with your guitar won't be great future Judge."
"I have plans dad. My own plans." Judge started. "I'm going to college if that's what you're worried about. I'm working on my application letter. Maraming music programs sa iba't ibang univ."
"Perhaps, its time for you to make a definite plan. You know, a more practical one. The clock's ticking Judge. I might talking to you right now and tomorrow... I might not."
Time, his father was greatly affected by time. He had grown wrinkles over the places he didn't supposedly had three years ago. His hair was silver. His shoulders were still broad, yet he noticed he was slightly slouching. There was a beautiful wooden cane leaning below the table's legs, near his father.
His father was getting old. Even Jules, she was too and Akello. They were drastically changed by time.
Looking back, time doesn't matter for him. The huge walls of this house when he plays hide and seek was his witnesses. Dinig nito ang bawat halaklak niya. Maging ang hagdanan na nakakonekta sa palapag ay ramdam nito ang sigla habang tumatakbo siya noon.
He was happy. He was contented. It as if time didn't exist.
Iyon ang alaalang ayaw niyang bitawan. Ang maamong ngiti ng kaniyang ina kapag tumutogtog siya sa harapan nito. Ang malumanay na halaklak habang hinahabol siya pababa sa hagdanan. Ang kaniyang ina ay isang panaginip. Isang napakagandang panaginip. Dahil doon gusto na lamang niyang matulog at kung maaari ay mamalagi sa lugar na iyon.
--
"I'm not taking dad's offer. I'm not even considering it," Judge said.
"Do you think I care? Sa tingin mo ba dahil umurong ka sa posisyon ay mapupunta na iyon sa akin?" Pagak na napatawa si Akello, parang isang hibang ang tingin ng lalaki nito sa kaniya. "You think so superior of yourself Judge. Kung mapapasaakin man ang kompanya dahil karapat-dapat ako at ipinagpaguran ko iyon. Hindi dahil umayaw ang isang liwaliw na katulad mo at napunta sa akin ng ganoon-ganoon lang."
Nanatiling nakapako ang tingin ni Judge sa harapan. Hindi siya umimik at nakatanaw sa magandang larawang na sa harapan.
"You're nothing Judge but a shadow lingering on your dad's back. No matter how you run, you really can't go further because you're a shadow. You can't change that."
"Sorry. I believe I know myself better than you do," Judge said. "Fuck your words. Fuck you. You don't know me. I am not a shadow of any piece of shit. Perhaps, you're misinformed."
"Misinformed?" Akello chuckled without humor. "Maybe I was. After all, it wasn't your dad. You are a shadow of your mom. Unfortunately, she died."
In a snap, fast like a car in race who's aiming for the finish line. When the car finally crossed it, it didn't stop. He lose his controls and slammed himself hard. The car was in rage, he was too.
"Fucker, take it back." Nagtaas-baba ang balikat niya, pilit pinipigilan ang galit na umuusbong sa loob.
Akello smirked. "How have you been these years? Your mom wouldn't like it that you moved out. You know that she loves this house, didn't you—"
He punched Akello.
Judge's knuckles against Akello's bare skin produced a distinct sound. It was like pounding a fresh meat with a hard pestle. Hindi nakailag si Akello. Nang tangkain ni Judge ang ikalawang suntok, dumeretso agad ang kamao ni Judge sa mukha ni Akello. Malaki ang mangangatawan ng binata ngunit nang na sa ibabaw na si Judge at ipinapaulanan ng suntok si Akello, wala na itong nagawa.
"Judge!"
Jules galloped towards them. Hinawakan nito ang balikat niya para awatin siya. Hindi naging madali ito ngunit sa tulong ng ama ay nagawang ilayo nila si Judge mula kay Akello. Galit na galit si Judge. Nagawa niyang kumawala mula sa pagkakahawak ng ama at umamba ng isang suntok kay Akello.
"Judge Arthur!" His father hissed.
Nabitin sa ere ang ang kamao niya. Ilang pulgada mula sa mukha ni Akello. Lumapit si Jules sa kaniya ngunit inilayo niya ang kamay nito.
"Don't touch me."
"Judge..." Jules squeezed her eyes. "Goodness! Ano bang nangyari?"
"Sorry." Dahan-dahan siyang umatras. "Kasalanan ko. I'm leaving."
"Aalis ka na naman?" His father commented. "When will you grow up Judge? When will you stop running away and face us? We are your family. Why are shutting us down?"
"I don't know dad. Maybe I'm like this because you shut me down first. You treat me like a wind. It was like my existence was excluded from your list," Judge gulped, feeling the hard lump in his throat. "I was just returning the favor."
"What are you saying? That's not true!"
Judge smiled painfully. "Dad, it's fine. I know it's my fault. I let mom die that night. I deserve it, every bits of it—"
"Judge! Tama na 'yan! Y-you're stressed! Pag-usapan na lang natin 'to bukas," awat ni Jules. Namumuo na ang luha sa mata nito at pinipilit pigilan ang pagkabasag ng boses. Their mother's death would always be a sensitive topic.
"No, Jules. Let's talk right now. Ilabas na 'tin lahat ng sama ng loob. I'm sorry if I fucked up that night. I know you blamed me and I'm telling you that it's okay. Ako naman talaga ang may kasalanan."
"J-judge!" Jules tried to stop it, but her voice cracked midway. "No one's blaming you. D-dad, m-me, we are not blaming you. It was an accident. W-walang may gusto sa nangyari."
"If that so, why did you leave me?"
"W-what do you m-mean?" Her brows met in confusion. "I w-went abroad to s-study."
"Iyon ba talaga? Or did you see that as an opportunity to leave?" A tear dropped from his eye. "You left. Dad stopped talking to me. I was lonely and miserable, but I don't have the right to complain. I killed mom."
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