[luke]
ever since i was a kid i loved the smell of smoke. i had a fairly normal childhood, compared to michael and calum. my parents worked several jobs to keep us above water, so i didn't see them much.
one thing i do remember from my childhood was some crazy ass arsonist that was lighting old houses in my town on fire. we lived in a fairly run down neighborhood, so eventually some of the houses just got so gross that people couldn't stand to live there any more.
i remember one night when i was in about the 4th grade (i think. calum has been trying to teach me the american schooling system and i think i've gotten it down. i'm practicing a lot though) my parents both had to work late, so i sat on my living room sofa and did my homework, eating ice cream for dinner. this smell filled my house, and i had never smelled it before. it was...calming. i'm not sure what it was about it, but i couldn't stop sucking in deep breaths and holding it in, then slowly exhaling and starting the process over again.
i saw a flicker of yellow light come from my window, so i got to my feet and walked over, still filling my nose with the sweet smell. my eyes were met with flames coming from a house about 5 away from mine.
i could hear yelling and sirens getting closer to my street. i wasn't worried though, the woman that had lived there moved out months ago due to the leaky windows and roof.
my feet involuntary carried me outside, where a wall of burning wood hit my nose. again, i felt...calm. i sat on my front porch for hours, just deeply inhaling the smell. eventually, my parents rushed home and scorned me.
"you could have gotten hurt!" they yelled.
i had no response. maybe i could have been injured, but i didn't care. ever since then when my father would light a cigar with his friends or our neighbors had a campfire, i deeply inhaled the smell of that beautiful burning. something about it just...made me want to go into a deep, peaceful sleep.
now, i can create my own smoke to feel calm. that's mostly i reason i smoke cigarettes, the smell of them calms me when i'm in a bad situation.
it was about 2am when calum woke up, and i've been walking the streets alone ever since. they were dead, not a person in sight. it was a regular tuesday night, so i wasn't surprised to be the only one out. a breeze hit my arms and they erupted with goosebumps, but i didn't mind. i quite liked the cold.
my body felt tired, but i just had to keep waking. all i had with me was a pack of cigarettes and a small bag of weed, i must have forgotten it was in my jeans pocket. i grabbed the pack and my lighter and quickly snapped it so a small yellow and red flame appeared. my cigarette and the flame connected, making a small trail of smoke go up into the air.
i inhaled deeply, taking in the sent, and then put the stick to my lips. i sucked in until i could feel like warm smoke hit the back of my throat, and then slowly exhaled.
i continued to puff in the smoke as i walked down the street. i must have been walking for a while, because the the urbanized streets turned into run down, small houses. a convenience store was illuminating a street corner a couple hundred yards away, so i crosses the street quickly and made my way towards it.
i always felt bad for the people who had to work night shifts, they always looked so tired. there was a man who seemed to be about 35 sitting behind the counter, resting his chin on his hand. i walked up to him and eyed the blunts behind him.
"can i get a pack," i asked, motioning towards the white owls sitting in a case behind the man.
"ID," he responded, perking his head up but still seeming uninterested in the conversation. i shifted uncomfortably, realizing i didn't have it with me.
"look man can i just pay you and go," i snapped. my mood had shifted so badly what i really was not in the mood to argue.
"sorry son, no ID, no blunts," he said blankly, putting his chin back into his hand.
"that's fine," i shrugged, and idea popping into my head. "just one more thing."
he didn't say anything, but his eyes met mine and his eyebrows raised, giving me the hint he was listening. quickly i pulled my arm back and thrusted my fist into the mans nose, nocking him backwards. his feet stumbled until he hit the ground, and i heard a small groan come from his lips.
in one swift motion, i jumped over the counter and grabbed a single pack of white owls. my legs sprinted out of the door as fast as they could go, making me drop my half finished cigarette. the sweet smell of smoke leaving my nose.
i sprinted down the street for what seemed like hours, even though i know it was only a few minutes. my legs burned and my arms ached, but i didn't care. i just wanted to run.
eventually, i found a small park off to the side of the road. well, you couldn't really call it a park. more like a couple of benches with a rusty swing set in the middle. i slowed down and walked over to the swings, lightly catching my breath. i sunk my teeth into my lip ring when another cold breeze hit my bare arms.
as i sat on one of the swings, the old junk squeaked under my weight. i sighed, but still pulled out the blunts and a small baggie of grinded weed. slowly, i ripped open the blunt and poured out the tobacco inside, then went to work licking and filling the paper. when i was finished, i licked it closed and lightly singed the tears to close it fully.
just like i did with the cigarette, i placed the blunt in my mouth and brought my lighter to the end of it, gradually connecting the flame to the paper.
i sucked in the smoke until it reached the back of my throat. but this time, i didn't stop inhaling. i kept going until my lungs felt tight and my throat burned. maybe if i never stop, my lungs will just give out. what if i never stop filling my lungs with smoke? what will happen? would i die of the lack of oxygen?
eventually, i coughed up the cloud of smoke and brought the weed back to my lips, sucking in smaller portions. i love getting high. i just made all my senses numb and it helped me sleep. god, i wanted to sleep so bad, but i knew i couldn't. i'd just lay awake for hours, thinking.
i was about 1/4 of the way though the blunt when i felt my senses tingling. it wasn't overwhelming, just a light relaxation in my head and body. i felt my eyes start to become heavy, and i sighed, smiling lightly. time after time i brought the burning stick to my mouth, sucking in not only the smoke, but the smell of that smoke. i'm honesty not sure what makes me love the smell so much, maybe i'm just weird. fuck, i know i'm weird, but i didn't care at his point.
i felt much more relaxed, but i still wanted to tear my hair out and scream until my lungs collapsed. eventually, i became so entranced in my own thoughts that when i looked down, the weed was almost fully burned out. i sighed, and dropped it to the ground. the small ashes started to catch the patchy grass on fire, but i quickly stepped on it until it he flame turned into singed dirt and grass.
i pushed myself off the swing and wobbled, giggling to myself.
"shut the fuck up," i whispered angrily. "this isn't the time."
i checked my phone and it was exploding with phone calls and texts from calum, his mom, and my friends. i ignored them, and quickly checked the time.
3:27
it was very late, but i couldn't bring myself to go back to the frat. i sighed, unsure of where i was supposed to go now, so i just continued walking, much slower this time. i counted the pebbles on the street, the leaves on the sidewalk, and the cigarettes i had in my pack.
eventually, my mind carried itself to calum. my feelings felt like a complex weave of anxiety and passion. i've only known him for a couple of months, maybe two or three, but i felt like i'm so connected to him. on the other hand, ever thing felt slightly... rushed. maybe that's my fault, for putting my trust into someone so quickly. i did that once, in high school.
quickly, my mind shifted into memories from my youth.
i was a freshman, i think, and i thought i was bisexual. my school reminded me a lot of famous scandals in tv and sports. all the popular boys would leave their popular girlfriends for a night and get their dicks sucked by all the little gay boys.
to my surprise, the junior captain of the swim team was my every thursday and saturday night. he'd pick me up and we'd make out in his car or we'd just watch movies in his basement. it felt like i was in a secret, scandalous relationship that made it even hotter.
when i was in the 8th grade, my father landed some job that payed over $200,000 a year, not to mention my mother's paycheck already. we moved out of our small house and relocated into a mansion with the higher society. everyone in school knew. they saw my new clothes and fancy car. i knew they all envied me.
i loved to buy the boy presents and take him out to fancy places. by sophomore year, or no. wait. yes yes, sophomore year. me and the boy were open about our relationship. he broke up with his girlfriend and made sure the whole school knew that the most popular senior in the school was dating the most wealthy boy in the area.
sure, there were people who thought we were disgusting, but we didn't care. we were in love. we did everything together, and i can't remember a time i wasn't with him. i truly thought i had found the person i wanted to spend the rest of my life with, but i was wrong.
it turns out, my first love was a sick, perverted bastard who only used me for my money and sex. for my whole freshman year we didn't do anything more than sucking each other off. but, one night near the end of sophomore year, i let him take me virginity. bad choice. the next day he broke up with me in front of the whole school, told everyone personal things about me and my body, and made sure everyone knew he didn't love me and never would. i was just a piece of meat with a bank account to him.
without even talking to my parents or my friends, i packed a bag and ran away to downtown Sidney. it was... eye opening. i slept on benches and tried drugs from people i had only met moments before. i had fun, and i honestly wanted to just live on the streets where no one knew every secret i ever told, like how i cried the first time i had sex.
after a couple weeks though, my clothes started to smell like stale beer and weed, and i grew dark purple circles under my eyes. i wanted to go home, but i wanted to show everyone i was a different person. i wasn't just some scared little boy who was totally controlled by his warped feelings for a psychopath.
i took the fake ID i got the 3rd day in the city and went into a tattoo and piercing store. i got my tongue pierced as well as a "mine, yours" tattoo with broken and unbroken hearts under the words. it symbolized my new mind set. i wasn't going to be hurt by anyone anymore. no one would control my feelings or make me do things for them.
when i finally got home, my parents seemed almost...unfazed. sure, they were worried sick and relieved when i came home, but the next day my father went right back to work and my mother left for her almost useless job as well. after all, my dad could do everything for the family.
things almost seemed to get worse and worse as i got older though. i don't particularly remember when they started fighting, but it wasn't very long after i got home from running away. my mother felt useless in the house, because my father did everything and i looked after myself and the house from doing it so much when i was little.
they didn't want to split up, for my sake, but life was hell. all they did was scream and throw things until my mother would sob so hard she'd pass out. one day i just couldn't handle it, so i ran away again, basically doing the same thing as last time.
i came back with my eyebrow pierced and a couple more tattoos, but again my parents were too busy with themselves to be too worried about me.
i probably ran away about 10 times as a teenager, each time because of my parents or someone would remind me of the kid that stripped away my dignity and ability to love. each time i came back with a new hair color or tattoo, and i loved it. people started to fear me rather than harass me.
a couple years of school and daddy's trust fund brought me to today. the fucked up kid who doesn't know how to love. or so i thought.
i can't shake this feeling in the pit of my stomach when i see calum. i want to say i love him, hell i already made the mistake of telling him, but i feel like i'm wrong. well, i must be, because i put so much trust in that boy and now he's leaving me. everyone leaves, either physically or emotionally.
i was finally pulled from my thoughts when i realized i had absolutely no idea where i was. i know most of my area fairly well, but i was totally lost. the houses no longer reminded me of my home...they were worse. the whole area smelled like a meth house, and my stomach churned at the condition of some of the houses. there were bars on windows and most of the doors barely stood up on their hinges.
i turned on my heels and started to walk back to where i came from, a little more speed in my movements.
"hey kid," i heard a raspy voice say behind me. it sounded cold and dead, and i shivered at the sound of it. at first i kept walking, pretending like i didn't hear the voice.
"hey! kid!" it tried to yell, but the words cracked under the raspy voice. they said it so loud that i had to turn around this time. slowly, i turned my head until i was met with a short woman with frizzy red hair. from the sound of her voice, she sounded to be at least 75, but she looked like a 25 year old girl.
"what do you want," i said rather angrily. i didn't have time for this. well, i did, but i wasn't in the mood to talk to meth addicts.
"you got any weed on you," she asked, starting to slowly walk closer to me. i wasn't scared though, i could easily fight her off if she tried to pull anything.
"no," i responded truthfully. i used all i had with me on the blunt i smoked earlier.
"bullshit," she laughed sarcastically. "with the way you're walking, you're high as a kite."
my eyes gazed over her body. she had short, thin legs and fairly bony arms. just like me, she had on a short sleeve shirt and a pair of skinny jeans, but hers bagged slightly due to her figure. her face was makeup less, but i could tell her eyes were bloodshot she had a wild look in them. not to mention, the absolute reek of vodka and meth protruding off her body.
"i'm not high, and i don't have any weed," i scoffed. sure i still felt relaxed, but i knew i wasn't high and i knew i wanted to just get the fuck out of this neighborhood.
"whatever you say," she said, giving me a slight smirk. "say, my house is just over there, why don't you come in for a little and have some fun with me."
the sight of her made me want to vomit, but i refrained from saying anything too rude. who knows what the fuck kind of weapon she might have in her house.
"oh i uh... thanks, but i really have to get going. it's late..." i trailed off, not really knowing how to respond. her question just shocked me too much.
"if you really had to go somewhere, you'd be there by now. no ones up to anything good at 4:30am" she smirked, raking her eyes up and down my body.
"really," i said, staring to lose my patience. "i have to go." my feet quickly turned me around and i started to quickly walk away from the woman. this place was starting to freak me out.
"your loss, sweetheart!" she screamed, her voice giving out again.
once i heard her stumbling feet walking the other direction, i took off. my legs carried me as fast at they could, and i sucked in short, painful breaths. i wasn't really sure why i was running, i wasn't in any danger, but i just didn't know what else to do with my body. it felt numb.
eventually i started to recognize where i was and i slowed down, sighing and trying to catch my breath. suddenly, i remembered what calum had said to me earlier.
he was leaving as soon as he left the hospital. that was tomorrow. a panic started to set in, and i felt my tired eyes widen at the thought.
"i-i have to talk to him before he leaves," i choked to myself. "i need to ask him what...what we are."
i quickly grabbed my phone and went onto the airports website. the only flight to New York tomorrow was at 7:00 am. that means they have to leave at around 5:00. i looked at the time, and my clock read 4:34 am.
"son of a bitch!" i yelled, putting my face into my hands. "have 30 minutes."
i collected all the strength i had left and started running as fast as i could. i had to get to the hospital.
[calum]
"we really don't advise him leaving so early... he needs to be resting."
"it's a long flight, he'll rest on the plane. plus, all your tests gave positive results, so there's no reason to keep him here any longer."
i quietly sat on my bed as my mother and doctor argued over if i could leave or not. my eyes felt tired, and i could tell my mother was just so done with this hospital and this country.
"we're leaving now," she finished, making it clear she wasn't going to budge.
"fine," my doctor sighed. "make sure you visit a doctor when you get home though, just for a follow up."
"will do," my mother said eagerly, grabbing her purse and my suitcase. she had asked michael to pack up my things for me and bring them to the hospital, so we could get out of here as fast as possible.
i was dressed in grey sweatpants and one of luke's tee shirts. it smelled like him, but i couldn't let thoughts of him fill my mind. i'd just start to cry. i was so worried about him, but i was too tired to really do anything about it.
i looked up at the woman trying to clean up the wall that luke punched a hole through. i sighed, and quietly apologized.
"it's fine," she laughed quietly. "happens more than you think."
before i could answer, my mom said my name impatiently.
"come on calum, we have to leave by 5"
i checked my phone and the screen read 4:48, so i sighed and stood up slowly. my muscles felt weak, but i slowly followed my
mother out of the room.
[a/n]
hello everyone!
i really hope you guys like this chapter, it's so fucking long but i think you'll like it:)
anyways, i hope you all still enjoy this, i feel like no one cares anymore because i didn't update for so long.
well, please vote and comment so i know how you guys feel about the book!
love you all
emily