Time.
It seems simple enough right?
You have milliseconds, seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, centuries.
But what if you didn't? What if all you had was the moment you were in right now.
Because that's my life. All I'm guaranteed is right now. So naturally, I try to live as much as I possibly can; which honestly isn't much.
There's not much I can do, especially because I've cut myself off from my old life. My old self. But I still somehow manage to keep myself distracted. Most of the day anyways.
I'll think about my current Netflix show, my newest read, what my next medication is going to be, or if I'm going to have to through chemo and radiation again; which I probably will.
I have to keep myself distracted with those thoughts, because if I don't I'll think about how I may never watch my brother finally settle down. How I'll never go to university. How I'll never fall in love, and never get married; never give my parents grandchildren.
You see, the likelihood of me never doing any of those things is so high, that when I think about it, I end up looking down to see them.
I see the memories I could make, if only I wasn't dying.
I see my brothers first serious girlfriend over for dinner, I see me embarrassing him, because who knows when or if this is ever going to happen again.
I see me receiving my acceptance letter in the mail, me packing my things, and moving; beginning my life as an individual.
I see my first date, my first real kiss; I see the boy I fall in love with.
And with all of these potential memories, I'm left with a hole in my heart that's so big, I swear my heart stops beating.
I mean of course, there is the possibility that I could live long enough to be able to attend that dinner with my brother, and maybe even attend my dream school for a year or two.
But there is one thing I will never let myself do, and that's fall in love.
When my time is up, I don't want to have any unfinished business. I want to be able to accept the way my life went, and have no doubts or regrets.
Of course, I may regret not falling in love, but how could I? How could I allow a person so deeply into my life, into my heart, knowing I don't have forever with them.
How could I allow the person I love watch me run out of time? Watch me leave them, despite everything we had been through, despite how much I loved them.
I can't.
Which is why, everyone is kept at an arms length.
Nobody except for my family knows about my shortened time span here on earth, and nobody will know.
Because once someone knows my secret, I won't be as accepting of the unfair amount of time I have been given.
I'll begin feeling things outside of the love I have for my family, and how sad I am about being forced to leave them.
I'll have something to fight for, despite knowing even my best efforts won't be able to stop the inevitable.
I'll be dragging yet another person into oblivion once I pass.
And that's something I cannot allow.