Its Amazing how much depression can change people, how much it can destroy people.
There was this girl, she was the strongest and most independent woman I have ever met. She had one of those smiles that instantly makes you better. She had eyes that you can see had got through some heavy hardships in life, but now shine the brightest. She was amazing and everyday I spent with her, the more she blew me away. She was easy to get along with, and we became fast friends.
We were each others rock and company throughout a bad career decision and we've been close as family ever since. She knew me better then anyone, as I knew her better then anyone. She was more then just my best friend, she became an integral part of my life. We never were romantically involved, but I never felt the need to be. We were happy with each others company and we knew that we loved each other in ways no one could ever comprehend. I never expected I'd ever lose her... Until she started suffering from a depression.
She started to close up on me, but I thought that was normal at first, thought that she needed space and that she'd let me in eventually. Unfortunately as time went on, our conversations grew shorter and shorter. I tried to help her through it, but every time I tried to get close she'd just push me away. However she started opening up to her online friends, that knowledge stung like hell but.. I was glad that at least she had somebody to talk to. As time went on.. She stopped talking to me all together, ended up learning things on how she's doing from her online friends, who in turn always tell me how she talks to them alot, actually contributes to the conversation and how she is happy talking to them.. "So then why not with me?" I started to wonder. Started to miss her, started to miss our talks, our laughs, ended up spending most of my time just staring at our chats hoping she'd reply to a message I send.
One day I asked her why wasn't she opening up to me, she said its because she only has enough strength to talk to one person about it, It never was me. Another day I asked her why isnt she spending time with me anymore, she said its because she's focusing on herself and only has enough energy for herself, she spends it with her online friends but not with me.
Just yesterday I asked what I am to her.. Why arent we talking anymore, she told me that its what she's become now, that she changed, that if our friendship ends so be it, that asking her to talk to me is like I m trying to mold or force our friendship. When I asked her why she's saying these things.. Why is her depression targetting me.. Why is she treating me like a stranger when we were like a family? She didnt tell me.. She didnt explain anything to me. All I have are questions and What ifs. She just said she confirmed that she needed space for me.. After giving her space for these past 3 months, all she wanted was to do less with me. But I noticed it.. It wasnt space she wanted.. That was it.. That was the end of our friendship.. She didn't want me in her life anymore and I dont know why. I ll never know why.
I guess I m writing this story to try and get it out of my system, but to also say this; Cherish each and every moment with your loved ones, because you never know when you're gonna lose them. I never expected to lose her like this.. But I cant change it now.. I have to learn to live without her now. Depression is the worst poison a person can get.. It changes everything.
I hope you'll live a good life, I hope you'll be happy someday, I really do. I wish that I knew what I could have done and I m sorry that I didn't know. I'll miss you.