Sleep was impossible for most of the night. It wasn't until the late morning that I managed to finally slip into unconsciousness. I wish I hadn't because when my alarm went off in the morning, I felt more exhausted than when I was awake.
Getting out of bed, I grabbed my overnight bag before going to the bathroom to shower and brush my teeth. As I was passing my parents old bedroom, I heard dad talking on the phone but I made no stops. The last time I did that, I ended up over the toilet vomiting.
I took a quick shower and after putting my hair in a ponytail and slipping into a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, I made my way downstairs and found dad sitting in the living room with a cup of coffee in his hand.
"Good morning," he nodded.
"Morning," I replied before letting out a deep breath. He stood up from the sofa and pointed towards the kitchen.
"Breakfast is in there and the tape is in the vcr, you can eat while we watch this or you eat then we watch." He stated and I nodded
"I'll just grab a few bites then we can get started." I explained and he nodded. I turned in my heel and made my way to the kitchen and I quickly grabbed a piece of toast and spread some jelly in it. I ate that with a glass of milk before returning to my waiting father.
"What did you eat? That was way too fast."
"Just toast with some milk." I brushed. I didn't want to keep him waiting. If I get hungry later, I can just eat something then.
"Okay," he frowned at me and I walked over to him on the couch. I took a seat next to him with enough space for us to not touch.
"Ready?" He asked and I nodded.
I wasn't really, but telling him would only frustrate him and I didn't want to do that.
"This was labeled first and it had both of our names on it."
I nodded for him to pressed play.
Mom's laughter was what greeted me first.
"You have to take the lense cap off first Charles." She scolded and after a few fumbles, she came into view.
"There it is," she smiled and dad mumbled something into the camera.
"Okay, focus on the baby." Mom ordered and dad walked over to a crib. He focused the camera on an infant me and I smiled.
"She's good huh?" Mom said behind the camera and dad muttered in agreement.
"She's perfect." He replied and I frowned before glancing at him. I thought he never wanted me?
I didn't have time to question it because there was a scene cut and my father and I came on the screen and I pulled my knees up to my chest as I watch dad play with a younger me. I was probably around one or at least ten months old.
I giggled about something and mom awed behind the camera while dad grinned. He held his hand out for me and I happily waddled into his arms.
"Give daddy a kiss." Dad puckered out his lips and I happily collided my face with his.
That is not something I could see happen between us at this point. The father daughter relationship ship has sailed.
The scene changed again and this time I knew exactly what was happening. The song Rosanna by Toto was playing and mom and I were dancing.
"Oh my gosh," I voiced as I watched my six year old self broke it down.
"You were a bad dancer." Dad muttered and I couldn't help but laugh.
It wasn't so much that I was a bad dancer that was hilarious, it's the fact that I had the most determined and serious face whenever I danced. I looked like I was doing the most complicated task, so I looked ridiculous.
"Oh my gosh," I laughed as my six year old self danced with my mother.
"Wow, mom wasn't any better." I pointed out and dad chuckled.
"Where do you think you got it from?" He teased and I smiled.
"I don't remember you being a professional dancer." I raised an eyebrow at him and he clicked his tongue before he faced the tv.
"Well you got genes from two bad dancers, you're the one losing here." He added me I laughed in agreement as my six year old self attempted a split that just looked pathetic.
Another scene cut and this time I was in bed while mom was reading to me.
My heart clenched with pain as I rememiced on the memory. This tape is not helping me miss her at all. This is painful and the urge to cry worsens with every minute I watch her fave on screen or hear her laughter.
This scene didn't last long though, mom was halfway done with the picture book and when she was done, she placed a kiss on my forehead and told me she loved me before leaving. Then the tape clicked to just my mom sitting in front of the camera. The camera wasn't shaky so I knew that it was propped up on something and dad wasn't holding it.
"Hi Charles, hi Rosie." She smiled and I froze.
"Oh God, I hope you never have to watch this part of these tape." She took in a deep breath telling me that she was trying not to cry. "Because it means that I'm not with you anymore. It means that something happened and I had to leave the two of you."
"No," I whispered. I don't want to watch this.
"If that's the case," mom sighed. "I made these tapes to show both you how much I loved you. How much I loved my little family."
Her voiced cracked and a tear slid down her face and that was all I could take.
"Turn it off!" I ordered dad and he looked over at me.
"Turn it off, turn it off." I ordered and he shook his head and grabbed my hand.
"She wants us to watch this," he said and I shook my head no, my eyes burned with tears. He can't expect me to watch this and be okay.
"I can't," I shouted and he moved closer to me and wrapped his arms around me in a hug.
"I don't want to watch this!" I shouted as I tried to get out of his grasp. This isn't doing anything to help me. All it's doing is opening the deep wound I thought I had stitched up a long time ago.
"Rosie,"
My mother's voice was enough for me to stop fighting dad and I turned my attention back to the tv.
"Baby, I love you so much." She smiled and tears streamed my face.
"I promise to keep watch over you and I'll never let anyone or anything hurt my little girl." She smiled and I wiped away at my face.
"While I'm not there, daddy will have to keep you safe and out of harms way but I promise that we will see each other again. I love you with all of my heart, Rosie."
"I love you with all of my heart." I replied like I always did when she was with me.
The tape ended there and I let myself deflate into my dad as the sobs left my body. A part of me wanted to shout at him, to tell him that he failed her. That not only did he not protect me from harm, but he was the harm in my life.
But another part of me didn't care enough. The stronger part of me needed my dad to hold me while I mourned to loss of my mother all over again.
We didn't watch any more tapes for the day. However, I did read one of my letters from her and it left me in even more of a mess than before. I was not okay and I wanted my mother. These tapes should've been watched a long time ago. It should've been given to me when I needed her most in my life.
That way I would've learned to heal properly, knowing that she loved me and was watching over me. But as I grew up and her loss became my fault, I was ashamed of loving her and letting the idea of her loving me settle in my heart. Now it's opening up that wound and I don't know what to do with it.
I was sitting outside soaking up the sun when dad stepped outside. He was in a business casual out for but his briefcase wasn't in his hand.
"I'm going to head out, I told Alice that she can stop by earlier if she would like. She's closing up shop and is going to be here in about thirty minutes." He said and I nodded.
"I though you were going to work?" I frowned and he shook his head no.
"I have a meeting with some people in town first." He said and I raised an eyebrow at him. "It's more necessary that I go to this meeting instead of going to see my client."
Weird.
"Okay, when will you be back?" I asked.
"Shouldn't be more than a few hours, but I'm going to stay out and maybe grab dinner and a drink with a few colleagues while you and Alice catch up."
When he said the word drink, the fear that coursed through my veins was almost unbearable.
"Okay, see you later." I nodded and without another word, he walked back inside.
Aunt Alice came by about half an hour later like dad predicted. We cooked and ate dinner outside while the early summer breeze cooled us down from the setting sun.
We talked for hours, about what's been going on in life. I told her about Sam and Mia, Katelyn and I even mentioned Liam. When we ran out of things to say, we climbed on top of the roof and watched the sunset. It was refreshing to be with family on my mom's side again. It made me sad yet happy to be held by a mother figure again.
"Are you sure you don't want me to stay until your dad gets home?" Aunt Alice asked when she was putting her shoes on. I shook my head no and glanced at the clock again.
Ten thirty.
"No, it's okay. He went to grab a drink with old friends, he should be back in about an hour." I nodded and she smiled.
Although I wasn't sure that was true.
"You're so grown up."
She has no idea just how many times I've waited up for my dad to come home on one of his drunken nights.
"I'll make sure to make dad stop by before we leave so I can say goodbye. Then, I'll tell you when I'm at UCLA for good." I told her and her smile widened. She wrapped me in a hug and I happily went into her arms.
"Your mom would be so proud of the person you are today." She said and I returned her genuine smile.
"I hope so." I nodded as we walked to the door.
"I know so and you know I'm always right." She said and I nodded.
"Of course." I smiled before giving her a hug. She held me for a good moment before pulling back and giving me a kiss on the cheek.
"I'll talk to you soon, okay?" She said and I nodded before one last short hug and she was gone.
With a satisfied smile, I closed the door and walked back to the living room to clean up our mess. I tossed our trash in the sink and washed our two glass before going upstairs to bed.
I wanted to wait up for dad but I was emotionally drained and sleep came to without any effort.
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Dad's specific ringtone woke me up and I sat up and stumbled around for my phone.
"Hello," I muttered without wasting time.
The voice that answered wasn't my father's.
"Hello, do you know a Charles Thorne?" They asked and my eyebrows furrowed together.
"Yes, I'm his daughter."
"Okay perfect, you need to come pick him up right now. And if you can't, send someone in the next thirty minutes or I'm calling the cops." The man ordered and I shot out of bed.
"What? Where is he?" I asked as I fumbled around for a proper pair of pants.
"Fat Angels," he replied and I froze.
"The bar?" I asked and the man grunted.
"Yes, and get your ass over here quick before I call the cops, you're down to twenty five minutes now." He said before hanging up.
I was worried. When I answered the phone call and dad hadn't answered, I was struck with worry. Except, there's absolutely nothing to worry about. Charles Thorne was just being selfish as always.
I requested for a car and waited the ten minutes before it arrived. I got in and told the driver my location and with a lot of anger and and disappointment, I let my head fall back on the car seat.
I arrived at the Fat Angels bar a little after two thirty am and I quickly rushed inside to get my dad.
"We're closed," a bartender answered over his shoulder without even looking at me.
"No, I'm here for my father." I clarified and turned to face me.
His impressive beard is what struck me first. Then it was his broad shoulders and height that made him stand like a tree, and I think he could take me down by simply blowing at me.
"Oh, thank fuck." He groaned in gratitude and I nodded.
"Follow me,"
I hesitated. I know I shouldn't have, he's probably a nice gentleman who isn't intimidating at all.
"Alright missy, just follow me to get your drunk off his ass father. I see the pepper spray clutched in your hand." He rolled his eyes and I opened my mouth to defend myself but he held his hand up and I clamped my mouth shut.
With another eye roll towards me, he turned on his heel and walked towards a back room and I followed quietly behind.
"Here are the keys to his car." He handed me dad's keys and I grabbed them without saying a word.
"And here is your father." He stepped aside and I let out a disappointed sigh at my sleeping father on the sofa. At least he was yelling and cursing. It's always more embarrassing when he's conscious.
"Thank you, thank you so much." I turned to him. "But, before I take him could I please have a two glasses of cold water please?" I asked and he let out a long sigh.
"I don't see why not, he's wasted two hours of my life already." He pointed to my father and I let out a sigh.
I walked over to dad and tried to shake him away but when nothing came from him, I gave up and reached for my purse. I grabbed my bottle of ibuprofen and took two out and waited for the bartender to bring me the waters.
"I really hope you don't drink like that." The man said behind me and I quickly stood up to face him.
"Because of him, I'll never touch an ounce of alcohol." I told him before grabbing the waters.
"Would you be mad if your couch got wet?" I asked and he frowned.
"No, why-" I didn't let him finished before I dumped one of the glasses of water on my father.
"What the-" dad sat up and looked around in utter confusion and the bartender tried and failed to stifle a laugh.
"Hi daddy," I smiled through my anger and frustration before handing him the full glass of water. He wiped away at his face in confusion and I bit back a laugh.
"Please take this, it'll make you feel better in the morning." I handed him the ibuprofens and he looked at them in confusion.
"I need you to take them." I ordered.
"Don't tell me what to do!" He spat before popping them in his mouth and downing the glass of water.
This is only half of the journey.
It didn't take long. I've had enough practice with this that I knew the right things to say. After getting his coat on and attempting to ask for another drink, I managed to get dad out of the room and out of the bar.
"Thank you-"
"Andrew," the bartender replied and I nodded with a smile.
"I got a question?" Andrew stared and I nodded for him to continue.
"Which daughter are you? The one he calls his future world leader or the one he's sorry for disappointing?" He asked and I frowned.
"What?"
"Every time he downed a drink, he would groan about how he disappointed his two daughters. One it was because he was a coward and he wanted to avoid hurting himself. But the other one is more specific, says that she's a future teacher that's gonna make the world a better place. That he let her down one too many times and he's sorry but she won't accept his apologies."
Oh, dad how drunk did you get that you actually felt remorseful?
"I suppose I'm the latter, since I am a future teacher. My younger sister wants to be a psychologist." I told him and he nodded.
"I figured but I wanted to double check." He said and I let out a sigh.
"Thanks for not calling the cops, Andrew." I nodded and before he could say something along the lines of I'm going to be okay, I turned and got in dad's rental car and I drove us home.
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Coming up: Rose takes matters into her own hands in the light of her father's drinking.