Onika's POV........
Do I still love Agustin?
Do I still love Agustin?
Do I still love Agustin? I keep on chanting his words before I can completely process it.
Shouldn't I straight away say that I don't? Isn't that what I told myself again and again over two years. Then why is it so hard to push the world out of my mouth. It was as if I can hear it, analyse it but my brain was refusing to answer it and my heart started beating on its own accord.
It isn't supposed to hurt so much admitting that I don't love him anymore. It should be easy. Then why is my chest constricting in unbearable amount of pain.
Why do I feel like my heart will break into million pieces if I accept that same thing out loud when I have been convincing that to myself ever since I had left Agustin.
Does it even matter? I will love him again he will crush my love again because I know he won't change then how does it matter whether I love him or not, after all it was never about me loving him. It was he who failed....
Loving him have only given me pain. I am better off without it.
Even if I somehow still have some feelings for him I can never go back to him. The damage he had created can't be repaired now.
Whenever I see his face all the torture scene starts revolving in my mind. Fear starts taking over my whole being. Even if he lift his hand in affection I flinch back in fear that he will hit me. How am I supposed to live with him like this. I can't spend my lifetime in fear like this.
This relationship is completely jeopardised. It is never going to work. It will again end up in disaster.
Anyways what is more important then loving him is Forgiving him.
People say love forgives it all, forgiving someone is an act of greatness, that would make you the better person.
Then why do I feel it would be an act of cowardice if I forgive Agustin. Forgiving Agustin is easy than fighting him will ever be. How I want to give in and get over it. My heart breaks everyday seeing Agustin suffer.
But Is it right to forgive it all?
Will you forgive a person who does what Agustin did to me to your sister or your mother?
I guess no you can't. Then why do you have to forgive the person when the torture is on you? Because you love that person? Huh? The same person who crushed your love beneath his very shoes without a second thought. Who didn't gave a shit before torturing you to death.
I couldn't even forgive my father for what he did to my mother and Agustin had done far more worse to me than what my father did then how is forgiving Agustin justified? Won't that make me a hippocrate if I do.
Even after Agustin did so much to me, after everything that happened that night it was still hard for me to run away from him. Removing his wedding ring from my finger was one of the toughest thing that I have ever done.
May be a small part of me still can't bring itself to hate him but I will be doomed if I let that part govern my life. Not again. Not the same mistake again.
It's not just about letting go of the past, the main problem is I am not sure about my future with Agustin. I can't see a future with him..I have seen his caring side even before but then he became the monster out for blood, so how do I believe him this time, is where I am not able to decide what to do. I am afraid he is again going to do the same thing.
I can't go on experimenting every time I feel like Agustin needs a chance at least not now that I have Alex.
I can't just risk everything on what my heart says or want .
This time I have to do what is right no matter how painful it is or whether my heart agrees or not.
What scares me the most is, Agustin isn't going to accept Alex as his own which is unacceptable to me. Alex deserves the love of a father or no father at all but not a mean one. I want a stable future, more for Alex then for myself and I don't see that happening with Agustin.
Right now what is more important for me is the person I spent my life with be a good Human being than a good lover, for Alex's sake, to my bad luck Agustin is none.
I can spend my life with a person who doesn't love me but at least respect me and can accept Alex as his own, but not with someone who claim to love me and strip me of all my dignity.
I still see sparks of his outbreak where he looses control over himself and I am scared if given the reason all hell will break free and he will turn into a monster again.
It's easy for people who see from afar to judge that how much Agustin loves me. You won't say the same thing if you are beaten to death by the love of your life. To make a relationship work, a foundation of trust and respect is as important as love is. And I can't expect any of them from Agustin.
Truth be told a part of me still cherish my time with Agustin and always will, but that is as far as it goes.
It is no more enough to give him a chance. I did give him that chance five years back and I had to run for my life because of that one wrong decision.
Loving Agustin was never easy for me as he was the exact opposite of what I used to imagine my life partner to be but I did give him a change against my better judgement. Look where it brought me.
I gotta learn from my mistake I can't keep doing the same mistake again and again.
I hardened my heart. This is the right think to do I repeated again in my mind. But before I can answer Jacob, he soke first, running out of patience.
"It's still hard for you to decide even after what he did to you, isn't it?" His eyes where set on me analysing my each and every expression like a hawk.
He continued "Strange, what love does to a person.
Render you powerless.
Render you handicapped." I doubt whether his words were directed towards me or he was talking to himself.
"Can't get that person out of your mind no matter how hard you try, no matter what he did to you, right? Ready to love him unconditionally even if don't get anything in return. Even after your love is crushed like it's nothing...."
He seethed with an edge of anger in his voice. It seems he is too familiar with the feeling. I was a bit taken aback by his anger.
I was to stunned to say anything. I was just looking at him in confusion when he abruptly stood up from the chair to leave but before he can I caught his hand. Every eyes where on us but I don't care.
"Leave my hand Onika....there is nothing left to talk." He said in a calm voice, but his eyes still held the anger.
"NO." I said, meeting his eyes.
He looked at me with uncertainty and repeated. "No?"
"Are you sure? Because it doesn't seems like it to me."
"No, Jacob you got it wrong... I don't love him anymore. Your question is not even valid because the person I loved is long dead. There was nothing left of him since the day he first called me a slut....he was dead then and there.. he was dead the moment he said I was nothing more than a fucktoy to him...since then I was just holding on to a dead relationship...."
A lone tear slipped from my eyes as I finally said that and an excruciating pain erupted from my heart. But I continued...
"I may be scared but I am not broken....I may be weak but not enough to give in.... I do still have some self respect left within me.
So please have a seat Jacob and do tell me what is this all about. Because I don't see how does it matter whether I love him or not. I will divorce him after 3 months and will be done with him." I said with confidence.
He took a deep breath and said. " This is where you are wrong."
That is what I and Agustin had negotiated then what does he mean by that? "How so?" I asked.
*************
Please Agustin fans don't kill me as this is not the end of the story. A lot is waiting for them and please try to understand Onika's view point as well ...it's hard for her to forgive and forget what Agustin had done to her.
Next chapter will be about jack and Agustin's face off...so get ready for a rollercoaster ride.😁😁
The book has reached 69 rank!!!! Can't express how happy that makes me. My eyes literally popped out of my socket when I saw that. Never thought an amateur like me can reach so far, so thanks a lot to all my lovely readers for their support. You guys are The Best. 🙏🙏
I am sorry I know the chapter is short. I will try to make the next one bigger.😅😅
Lots of love.
Untill next.
Ricky❤❤