The day after Millie's wedding, mum came out to the balcony while I was sitting there reading. 'Good wedding,' she said.
'It was nice,' I agreed.
'I wanted to tell you yesterday that you looked really pretty in that dress.' I wanted to puke all over the bridesmaid dress. It was peach satin and had no shape. What my mother was really saying, was that she liked what I was wearing yesterday, as opposed to what I usually wear.
'We should start thinking about what dress you'd like for your wedding,' she said. 'If we want one made, we'll have to commission someone very soon.'
'I want a dress off the rack,' I said. 'I know where I want to buy it from.'
'You're not going to wear one of your ridiculous outfits. You'll look like a fool.'
'No one is going to be there anyway,' I said. It was true, I ticked the 'small wedding' checkbox on the form at the agency, meaning mum and dad, my sister, Lachlan, Ruby, Millie and her shiny new husband.
'I thought it would have been nice if we shopped for something together,' mum said.
I was almost sucked in by this sudden invitation to share some time together. But then I remembered that although it sounded good in theory, the reality would be terrible. First we'd argue about which shops to visit, then she'd tell me I only had two hours and we'd need to be 'snappy'. She'd demand which dresses I try on. In between, there'd be comments about the colour of the nail polish I was wearing, that I should wear more flattering shoes and try a new hairstyle by this great guy she knew in town who was 'magnificent' and knew exactly what to do with her hair. She'd speak loudly and the shop assistant would feel slightly sorry for me. I'd come away from the whole experience with a dress I hated and a reduced self esteem.
If we were going to do this, I had to make it on my own terms.
'Mum, I really want a dress from Baby, The Stars Shine Bright. I can book us in for a private viewing. I hear they serve high tea, and I'll have a personalised stylist.'
'That's not a wedding dress shop,' my mother scoffed. 'It's one of your silly stores.'
It was not one of 'my' silly stores . Baby, The Stars Shine Bright is an iconic Lolita store in Melbourne. I'd never been in there, as you have to make an appointment for a private viewing and you need to be seriously cashed up for one of their dresses. Here was my one chance to get a beautiful outfit from Baby, The Stars Shine Bright.
Mum swallowed her gum. 'Why can't you just wear a lovely dress on your wedding day like Millie?'
'One, because I don't even want to have a wedding, I'm being forced into it. And two, I think these dresses are lovely.'
'Stop being so melodramatic, Sylvie,' she was reaching in her pocket for another caffeine gum. 'It was you who came to me and said, "all right, I'm going to get married." No one is forcing you into anything. It's your little fantasy to create some god damn drama in your trivial life.'
I stared straight ahead, looking out at the bay. There was a vicious tone in her voice and I knew better than to buy into it.
'You can get your child-like dress from your silly store. But I'm not coming with you. And just remember, one day, when you're looking at photographs of your wedding day, you'll feel like a moron for wearing such an idiotic outfit.'
I closed my eyes, wishing the volcano of lava bubbling inside of me to settle.
I heard the bi-fold door snap shut, but a second later it opened again.
'And stop moping around here all the time. Don't you have any other friends? Have you ever heard the term don't put all your eggs in one basket?'